The Laughing Matter (19 page)

“Well,” he said, “suppose you are? Suppose I am, too? So what? We'll go on. We'll begin again, both of us frightened if need be. We'll keep going. We'll grow more and more frightened if need be, but we'll go on. I'm speaking of the worst, Swan.” He stopped a moment. “Suppose going on
is
difficult? It's not difficult for us alone. Think how difficult it must be for Red and Eva, who have no other direction to take, except to us. Suppose it is difficult when we are thinking only of our own lousy selves? So what, Swan?”

“I don't care how difficult it is,” Swan said, “I
want
to be there with you. I want to begin as soon as we can. I wish we could get what needs to be done out of the way right now.
Tonight
, Evan.”

“Is it this that you're most afraid of, Swan?”

“I think so, Evan, but I don't care any more. I don't care if I
am
afraid. I want the vineyard.”

She tried her best not to sob, as if it were Eva herself trying to hold back the tears.

“I was the one, Evan,” she said. “Do you think anything happens to a woman that she doesn't
want
to happen? I did it because I was curious, because I'm stupid, because I
am
irresponsible, because I
do
live in the minute, because I have wanted instantly anything I have ever wanted. I forgot all about you, Evan, I forgot all about Red and Eva. I didn't care, and I didn't
want
to care. Now, I'm sick of myself. I want this whole business to be stopped. Tonight. Telephone Dade. Speak in your own language. I won't be able to sleep anyway. Do it for
me
, Evan. It must be done and I
want
it done, but I can't wait. I just can't wait. After this is over with, I'll wait for everything. I'll be
able
to wait.”

“All right, Swan.”

He went to the telephone and after a moment spoke to Dade in his own language.

“Please don't ask any questions,” he said. “If you know somebody, fly here with him tonight. I'll meet you at the airport and bring you here, no matter when you arrive. It must happen tonight. It's half-past ten. By daybreak it'll be over. I'll stay beside her. You can take the kids for a drive. Can you do it, Dade? Can you find somebody? I've got a lot of things to talk about tomorrow, but this has got to happen
first. It's not me who's asking, it's Swan. Find somebody, Dade.”

“I'll find somebody,” Dade said. “I'll call you back.”

He found her standing in the parlor, waiting for him, her face trembling.

He embraced her.

“My wonderful Swan,” he said. “My beautiful Swan.”

“Your terrible Swan!” she sobbed. “Your crazy Swan.”

She stopped suddenly to laugh, laughing as a small girl laughs.

“If you only knew what I want,” she laughed. “If you only knew what I want
now
, at a time like this, Evan. God, it amazes
me
, even. If you only knew, Evan.”

“I know, Swan. It's all right.”

“It's all right, but it's not to be, is it, Evan?”

“No, Swan.”

“Why, Evan?”

“Because it's what I want, too, and it's not to be because it will take us to a time like this again, and this isn't fun enough, that's all, Swan.”

“Is somebody coming?”

“He's going to call me.”

“Can I have a drink, then?”

“Sure.”

When he'd fixed drinks and they'd each had a sip she said, “I wish you knew how glad I am we can't have what we both want. How glad I am you want to try to love me that deeply.”

Dade telephoned after an hour and said in their own language, “I've got two of them. They don't know one another. We'll be at the Fresno airport at two. They'll be finished in less than an hour. I'll drive them back to the airport, and they'll take the five o'clock plane back. I'll be talking to both of them on the way down to find out which one it's to be. The other one will stand by. She ought to be up and about in a couple of days. She ought to be finished with the whole thing in a month.”

“I'll be at the airport at two,” Evan said.

One of them was a small, dark man of sixty or so. The other was tall and thin, and ten or more years younger. Evan hoped it would be the dark one, for he believed this one was nothing worse than an alcoholic. Each of them had ordinary suitcases, and Dade had his luggage. The stuff was put away in the trunk compartment of the car, and Evan drove back swiftly, but not too swiftly. He didn't want to be stopped for speeding at a time like this. There was almost no conversation during the entire half-hour drive.

The whole thing was over in a little more than an hour. The dark man had been the one. The other one had seen to the sterilizing of the instruments, and had kept out of the way, staying in the kitchen.

“She'll want to sleep,” the little one said. “She may become half-awake every now and then, but she'll fall back after a minute or two. She ought to stay in bed until Thursday morning. After that she can get up for a couple of hours at a time—for three or four days. She ought to take things easy for a month.”

Dade drove them back to the airport. It was half-past five when he came into the house again.

“I wanted to put them back on the plane,” he said. “How is she? Have you been in to see her?”

“Yes,” Evan said. He waited a moment. “Dade?” he said.

“It's all right,” Dade said. “He's the best there is. The other one was insurance. You're not worried, are you?”

“She didn't make a sound, Dade. Swan can't take pain. I was with her when Red and Eva came, and I know she can't.”

“He gave her some stuff to make it painless.”

“Could he have given her too much?”

“No. He's the best there is.”

“It's been almost three hours.”

“She may not want to wake up for a long time yet,” Dade said.

“If I get Swan through this,” Evan said, “I'm going to know how to take care of her. I'm going to know what to do for her. This is nothing, it doesn't mean a thing. We've made a lot of plans. We know what we're doing. She's a little mad, the same as I am. The same as you are, too. I didn't know that, Dade. She expects me to help her. This was part of it, the beginning of it. She's irresponsible. She's swift. She doesn't think living's worth the trouble. She's a little mad, that's all, but she doesn't
want
to be. I guess any beautiful girl can be a little mad if somebody won't stop her. She wants to be stopped. Living very nearly
isn't
worth the trouble, you know. It
is
very nearly a fraud, you know. All I want is to get her past this, and then I want to straighten both of us out. I helped her become a little mad, you know. She thinks it's herself alone, but I helped her. A man can't know much, Dade, until it's almost too late. I haven't done wrong, have I?”

“No,” Dade said.

They went into the kitchen and Dade got coffee started. They sat at the kitchen table, waiting for the coffee.

“The easiest thing in the world,” Evan said, “is to kick things over at the first excuse for doing so.”

“Sure it is,” Dade said. “If she calls out, we'll hear her, won't we?”

“I've got the door a little open,” Evan said. “Dade, when this thing's out of the way—when Swan's O.K. again——
you're going to see a family that
is
a family. When this thing's out of the way——”

“It's out of the way now,” Dade said.

“She didn't make a sound,” Evan said.

“He didn't want her to feel anything,” Dade said. “Maybe Swan didn't
want
to make a sound.”

“Poor kid,” he said.

“She's all right,” Dade said.

Evan went into the room quietly, around the bed to see her face again.

He went back to the kitchen.

Dade was drinking coffee. He poured a cup for Evan.

“Take it easy,” he said.

“I don't like the way she looks,” Evan said.

“She's all right.”

“I thought about it,” Evan said. “I thought about everything that might be done. Nothing else made any sense. Nothing else gave anybody half a chance. I'm scared, Dade. Take a look at her, will you?”

They went to the room, and Dade looked at her. They went out into the parlor.

“I don't know,” Dade said. “Let me think a minute. I don't like the way she looks, either. Let's wait a little while, though.”

“What do you mean, Dade?”

“She's all right,” Dade said suddenly. “Of course she's all right.”

“Are you sure, Dade?”

“She'll wake up in a little while,” Dade said. “You'll know she's all right then.”

“I'll go in and wait,” Evan said.

“Yes, that's a good idea.”

“If the kids wake up, will you tell them we're asleep? Get them some cold cereal or something. Let them go out into the vineyard and play, but don't
you
go far.”

“I'll be here,” Dade said.

Evan went into the room where his wife was sleeping. He sat on the bed, watching her face, waiting for her to wake up.

“I'm sorry, Swan,” he said softly. “I'm terribly sorry. Don't make me sorrier. I did wrong. I know I did wrong. Help me, Swan. Don't let it be the wrongest thing any man could ever do.”

He sat and stared at his wife a long time. At last he went out and found Dade in the kitchen.

“She's dying, Dade.”

“For God's sake, get hold of yourself, will you?”

“Dade, she's dying! I don't know what to do. We'd better get somebody. We'd better get somebody quick.”

“Let me look at her again,” Dade said.

They went in and looked at her again. They didn't look very long. Dade went to the telephone, and woke up a friend, Dr. Altoun. He spoke to the man in their own language. While he was on the telephone Red and Eva came running into the hall, calling out Dade's name. The man said he would be out as soon as he could get dressed. Dade picked up both of the children and hugged them.

“We've got to be very quiet,” he said.

He helped them dress, got them cold cereal and milk, and sent them out to play. Red climbed the fig tree, Eva stood under it catching ripe figs. Dade went to Evan standing over the sleeping woman. They stepped out of the room.

“He'll be here as soon as possible,” Dade said.

“What did you tell him?”

“The truth.”

“That's good,” Evan said. “Let Swan be all right. I don't care who knows the truth. It doesn't mean anything anyway. Just let her be all right. I'm glad you told him.”

“He'll keep it to himself,” Dade said, “but I had to tell him. He had to know. We didn't speak English.”

“I'm glad he's coming,” Evan said. “We couldn't just stand around like a couple of fools with our mouths open.”

Dr. Altoun was a slim young man, not more than thirty-five, fair for his race, with blue eyes. He was alone with the woman fifteen minutes.

“We'd better get her to a hospital,” he said. “There's a good one in Madera. I'll telephone for an ambulance.”

“Is she going to be all right?” Evan said.

“I hope so,” Altoun said.

He went to the telephone, Evan following him.

“We couldn't take her in Dade's car, could we?”

“No.”

“What is it? What's happened to her?”

“A lot of things,” the doctor said. “I've done everything that can be done just now.”

He telephoned and went back to the sleeping woman. He asked Evan and Dade not to enter the room.

“I don't want the kids to be frightened,” Evan said. “Can you get them in your car and take them somewhere, Dade, so they won't see the ambulance?”

“Sure,” Dade said. “I'll take them for a long ride.”

“No,” Evan said. “Take them to the Walz home. Tell Warren and May to let them spend the morning there. They
like the Walz kids. You come on back. I'll sit in the ambulance. You follow in your car. I can't think straight. You'd better be around, Dade.”

“Sure,” Dade said. “I'll take them over now. I'll be right back.”

“If we're gone before you get back, you know where it is, don't you?”

“Yes,” Dade said. “I'll be there.”

Dade was back before the ambulance arrived. He saw his brother sitting on the railing of the front porch. The doctor's car was gone.

“Evan?” he said.

Dade waited a full minute, then went inside to where the woman lay. When he went out to the porch Evan stepped down from the railing. He struck his brother on the side of the head and knocked him down. Dade leaped to his feet, hugged his brother quickly, and stopped his arms.

“I'm going to kill you,” Evan said.

“What did he say?” Dade said. “Where did he go?”

“He said she's dead,” Evan said. “I don't know where he went.”

Evan tried to free himself, but Dade wouldn't let him go.

“He should have waited until I could speak to him,” Dade said. “I've got to get him at his office. He's got to report this. He's got to report
something.”

“Let him tell the truth,” Evan said. “Let him report that. I killed my wife, the mother of my kids. Let him report
that
.”

“You didn't kill anybody,” Dade said.

“I killed her,” Evan said, “and
you
helped me.”

“Get hold of yourself,” Dade said.

Dade waited for the break, but it didn't come. He waited for his brother to cry, so he could let go of him, but his brother wouldn't cry, wouldn't stop being ready to kill—himself, Dade,
anybody
. When he saw the ambulance coming up the road he let go of Evan, struck him under the chin, lifted him and took him into the house, to his own room, and put him down on the bed there.