The Leaving of Liverpool (14 page)

Emily lay back against the pillows. How was she ever going to feel normal again? Do all those things that other people do without even giving a moment’s thought to: eating, laughing, singing. She would never laugh again. And work. How could she ever work again, and what would people think? She felt guilty and ashamed. She
must
have done something, said something. He wouldn’t have just gone and attacked her like that. She forced the bile down, feeling the bitter taste in her mouth. People would point at her on the street. She would be called terrible names. Just the thought of it brought the blood rushing to her cheeks. And then there was Edwin. He’d been there. He’d found her like that. How was she ever to look him in the face again? She turned her head to the wall and closed her eyes. She wanted to die for what was the point in living? Her life had been ruined.

 

Lily bent over the range feeling like an old woman. Her shoulders and her back were aching, but the burden of grief she carried was the worst ache of all.

Albert had obviously gone out for his walk and there was no sign of either Jack or Jimmy and she wondered if they had accompanied him. She went through into the scullery and splashed cold water on her face. It helped to banish the numbness that had seeped into her body. When she returned to the kitchen the kettle had boiled and she spooned the tea into the pot from the red and black lacquered caddy, then she sat down, waiting for it to draw.

What was she going to do now? How could she coax Emily back to some semblance of normality after what she’d been through? She remembered something Emily had said last night. What was it? Something to do with Phoebe-Ann. That was it. He had mistaken her for Phoebe-Ann. Phoebe-Ann had been his intended victim. Her mind cleared. What the hell had Phoebe-Ann been doing to encourage him to think she would have welcomed his attentions? She’d heard her youngest daughter talking about him, boasting that she was the only one he would talk to. He ignored everyone else, including his own father. And she had said how sad it was that he followed her with his eyes. The little slut! The little tart! She must have encouraged him. It was the only explanation. In a flash she had crossed the room and had stormed upstairs. She flung back the bedroom door and the china jug and bowl on the washstand rattled.

Phoebe-Ann sat up, her short blond hair tousled, her eyes still red and puffy from crying. The short hair only served to inflame Lily’s anger. With two strides she had crossed the room and, throwing back the bedclothes with one hand, she caught her daughter by the hair with the other and yanked her from the bed.

Phoebe-Ann screamed in pain and terror. ‘Mam! Mam, you’re hurting me!’

‘Not nearly as much as I’m going to, you little slut!’

‘Mam! Mam, stop it! Please stop it!’ Phoebe-Ann screamed.

‘It’s all your fault. You’ve been acting the whore with him, haven’t you? Haven’t you?’ The sound of her hand as it struck Phoebe-Ann’s cheeks, first the right, then the left, echoed around the room and the terrified girl shrieked.

‘No! No, I haven’t! I only used to talk to him. Oh, God, Mam, that’s all it was! A few kind words!’

‘Don’t you take the Lord’s name in vain and lie to me in the same breath, Phoebe-Ann Parkinson! Your pa must be turning in his grave and your brothers too, to see what kind of a harlot you’ve turned into! You thought you were on to a good thing, didn’t you? Didn’t you? You thought he was a gentleman. Did you think he would up and marry you? It was that, wasn’t it? You thought you’d be like his bloody sister!’

‘I didn’t! I didn’t! Oh, please, Mam, leave me be!’

Lily’s anger and outrage had found an outlet, her reasoning impaired by rage. ‘So you played the whore and where has it got you? Nowhere! Nowhere and, what’s worse, your sister has had to pay for your stupid, sinful dreams! Your poor, innocent sister has been raped and ruined for life because of you!’

Phoebe-Ann had managed to tear herself away.

Lily’s bosom heaved and her eyes glittered dangerously. ‘Don’t you think this is the end of it because it’s not. I should have taken your pa’s belt to you long ago, but by God I’ll do it now! You’ll regret the day you ever tried to copy Miss Olivia Mercer.’

‘Mam. Don’t!’

The cry was weak, yet it penetrated the red mist that was dancing before Lily’s eyes. She turned to see Emily clinging to the doorpost and behind her stood Albert.

‘Lily, what’s all this about?’ he demanded in a tone she’d never heard him use before. Nor had she seen him look so grim as he took in the scene: Phoebe-Ann cowering against the far wall, her arms folded over her head as though to protect it, shaking and sobbing; Lily, her usually neat hair hanging in untidy strands either side of her face, trembling too.

‘It’s all her fault, the little slut! She’s no daughter of mine!’ Lily pointed to Phoebe-Ann with a stabbing forefinger. ‘She’s been leading him on; playing up to him, the poor mad sod. How was he to know what she was up to? She wanted to be a lady like his sister and she thought he’d make her one, so she led him on. It’s her fault and I’ll never forgive her. Never. I don’t want her in this house. I don’t want her near me.’

Fresh sobs racked Phoebe-Ann.

‘Is what your mam says true, Phoebe-Ann?’ Albert asked quietly.

‘No! I swear by everything that’s holy I didn’t lead him on. I didn’t want him to marry me. I didn’t want to be like Miss Olivia. I only talked to him. I didn’t even say anything or do anything I shouldn’t have! I swear it!’

‘Liar!’ Lily screamed.

Albert caught her by the shoulders and shook her hard. ‘Stop it, Lily! Do you hear me? Stop it. Look what it’s doing to Emily, you screaming and swearing and blaming Phoebe-Ann! Stop it!’

All the anger drained from Lily as she saw the tears running down Emily’s face. She burst into hysterical tears and clung to Albert. ‘My poor girls. My poor girls. What did I do to deserve all this, Albert? God knows I’ve had my share of grief and trouble – why this?’

He patted her. ‘I don’t know, love. I just don’t know. It doesn’t seem right or fair but never mind all that. Everyone is upset.’

Jack and Jimmy had appeared on the landing and were surveying the scene with disbelief.

Albert took charge of the situation. ‘Jack, lad, take your mam downstairs and give her a drop of brandy, she needs it. Aye, and one for Phoebe-Ann too. Oh, what the hell! Get us all one. We need it.’

Jack nodded, never thinking to question his stepfather’s authority.

‘Phoebe-Ann, go and get dressed and wash your face and then help Emily; your mam’s in no fit state and she didn’t mean any of this, she’s just so upset and angry.’

Phoebe-Ann sniffed and nodded, still shaken, and for the first time wondered if her pity for James Mercer had indeed been construed by him into something far more sinister. A feeling that was to grow stronger and would be transformed into guilt that would turn to resentment which, in its turn, would be instrumental in ruining her life.

When everyone was much calmer and Lily had kissed Phoebe-Ann and when Emily had come downstairs, pale and silent, Lily expressed one of her worries aloud. ‘I don’t know what you will do now. Neither of you are going back there.’

‘I could get work in Tate’s or Tillotson’s, Mam,’ Phoebe-Ann ventured timidly, not knowing how this suggestion would be received.

‘Aye, maybe it would be the best thing for you. Maybe I was wrong forcing you to go back into service. All this might not have happened if I hadn’t been so set on you keeping your promise. I should have realized that things have changed.’

‘How were you to know, Lil? You did what you thought was best, there’s no use you feeling guilty about that.’

Lily managed a weak smile.

‘I think you should go and see Mr Mercer when you’re calmer. When we’ve all thought this thing through.’

‘What for? I never want to set foot in that house again.’

‘To see if he’s willing to make some kind of compensation for Emily.’

‘Like what?’

Albert shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’

‘We don’t want his bloody “hush” money,’ Jack stated.

‘No. Not money. Perhaps something in kind.’

‘What? The least he can do is give her good references,’ Jimmy put in.

‘I don’t doubt he’ll do that. Perhaps he knows where she could get other employment.’

‘They have stewardesses, Mam. I saw some on the day I went over the
Mauretania
.’ Phoebe-Ann fell silent. Unwittingly she had reminded her mother about that awful day out with Miss Olivia, and she waited for Lily’s wrath to descend on her.

‘No. I don’t want to do anything like that. I don’t want to leave here.’ Emily surprised them by the force of her objections.

‘You won’t have to. It’s no life for a young girl, working like a skivvy for hours on end and being away from home and family,’ Jimmy stated.

‘Let’s leave it for now. Leave it for a day or two until we’ve all settled down,’ Albert ended the discussion.

 

In the middle of the following week Emily agreed to see Edwin. He had called every day but she had resolutely stood firm in her determination not to see him. To all Lily’s pleading and cajoling she had turned a deaf ear. Not even Phoebe-Ann’s tearful urging had had any effect. It was Albert who made her change her mind. He had been quick to note how she had suddenly developed an aversion to men, himself and her brothers included. Indeed they were the only men within her immediate circle and vicinity but she seemed to shy away from physical contact and even their embarrassingly stammered attempts at apologizing for their loudness and often insensitive remarks appeared to make her shrink.

Jack had summed up their feelings. ‘I find myself apologizing for being a man. One of the same breed as that bastard.’ He always referred to James Mercer as ‘that bastard’.

‘No, lad. Not the same breed. Never that. But I know what you mean. I find myself watching every damn word that I utter while she’s around.’

‘It’s poor Leeson I feel sorry for. I think he and our Emily had come to an understanding and now she won’t even see him. He told me he gave it to old man Mercer straight. Wouldn’t stay another day in the house. If he’d have had his way he would have had that bastard publicly branded and locked up and I agree with him. Except it would mean our Emily’s name being tossed around every ale house in the city, and there’s no way I’d have her go through that.’

Albert had nodded his agreement. ‘Aye, but something is going to have to be done about it all. We can’t go on like this for ever and young Edwin is very fond of her, I know that from the hangdog look on his face when your mam says, “Not today”.’

‘Can’t you have a talk to her? You’re not as . . . well, not as close as us, if you know what I mean?’

‘I’ll try. All I can do is try,’ Albert agreed.

After dinner that night the two lads made themselves scarce and Lily said the weather was so humid she needed a breath of fresh air. Preferably fresh, salt air and that it would do Phoebe-Ann good as well, her being stuck in that factory all day. Phoebe-Ann had been very fortunate indeed. She’d been taken on at the B&A, as everyone called the British American Tobacco Company. The wages were good and the work a lot easier than in other factories. Lily had sworn what she would do if she ever caught Phoebe-Ann with a cigarette in her mouth but Jack and Jimmy were very pleased when she brought home cheap cigarettes and tobacco for Albert’s pipe.

‘Sure you don’t want to go with them, Emily? It’s a fine evening,’ Albert ventured as the two women were about to leave.

‘No. No thanks.’ Emily stared listlessly out of the window that looked on to the yard. It was an effort to do anything these days, her mind was so tired of going round and round over the same things.

‘We’ll bring you some peardrops. You like them,’ was Phoebe-Ann’s parting offer.

Albert stood up and walked over to where Emily sat. Dropping down on his hunkers he took her hands and held them, despite the fact that she tried to snatch them away. ‘Emily, love, we’ve got to talk about this. Me and the lads can’t spend our lives apologizing for being men, watching what we say, what we do. It’s not natural and it’s not right.’

‘I know, but I can’t help it.’ She was still very uneasy.

‘What is it that you hate the most? Come on, tell me now?’

‘I don’t want to think about it.’

‘I know you don’t, but try. Your mam’s worried to death about you.’

‘I just can’t even bear to think about things I used to do.’

‘Like what?’ he coaxed, feeling he was nearing a breakthrough.

‘The way I used to hug the lads sometimes. Link arms, things like that. I think I would be sick, really sick, if I tried to do anything like that now.’

He looked into her earnest face and felt defeated. It had affected her far more than he had realized. ‘Well, we’ll just have to think of a way round it.’

‘I still love them. They’re my brothers, but it’s not the same any more.’

‘I can understand that. Everything has changed, hasn’t it?’

She nodded.

‘And what about Edwin Leeson? He’s called every day you know and he won’t be able to come for much longer.’

For the first time he saw a glimmer of interest in her eyes. ‘Why?’

‘Because when the
Mauretania
comes back he’s joining her. He refused to stay at his old job. He’s going as a steward or a waiter or something. Won’t you see him before he goes, Emily? The lad is very fond of you.’

‘I can’t. I can’t. How can I face him knowing that he saw me like that? That he knew . . .’

‘Emily, it’s not your fault. None of it was your fault, you have to get that out of your head right now. He doesn’t think any the worse of you. He’s worried about you, same as we all are. Won’t you see him?’

She faltered. Was what Albert saying the truth?

‘Look, just see him for five minutes. Your mam and me will stay in the room if you want us to.’