The Letter (22 page)

So she thought to throw a stick in the wheel and disrupt the smooth ride he had scheduled. If he allowed it, she would detour them off onto bumpy roads. He humphed. W
e will just see about that.

“So, you want to be my mistress? I hadn’t considered it, but you have my interest.” With his gaze focused on her, he walked toward her, keeping his steps slow.

Her eyes widened. “You hadn’t considered it?”

He suppressed a smile at the squeak in her voice, walked behind her and stopped. She swiveled to face him.

He shrugged. “I wish I had, but no. I must thank you for putting the idea in my head.”

“I didn’t…did I?”

“I’m afraid so.” He was undoubtedly having too much fun. Perhaps he could learn to like traveling uncharted roads and detours that led to adventures. Stepping forward, he trailed the back of his hand over the swell of her breasts. “Will you?”

She slapped his hand away. “Stop that.”

“Why? You seem to like it if the gooseflesh on your chest is any indication.”

“Well, I don’t.”

He tsked. “What a little liar you are, my dear. You still haven’t answered my question.” Clasping his hands behind his back, he tilted his head and studied her. “By the way your brows are furrowed, I am thinking you are undecided, or else you are trying to remember what I asked. If it is the former, I would be more than agreeable to kissing a yes out of you. If it is the latter, then I should kiss you regardless, though I doubt it will be of help to your memory.”

He looked at the ceiling and considered. Lowering his gaze back to hers, he smiled. “No, there is no doubt about it because I would kiss you senseless, and you wouldn’t remember your name, much less my question. Which reminds me, will you?”

She stepped back and sank onto the sofa. “I no longer have any notion of what we are speaking.”

“Then I shall speak plainly.” He pulled a chair up, sat in front of her, their knees touching, and took her hands in his. “Will you be my mistress?”

She gave him an irritated look. “Don’t be absurd.”

“I take it that is a no?”

A small laugh escaped, and she bit down on her lower lip. She glanced away. “Yes, that is a no. I don’t know why you would ask it of me.”

It was the sadness in her eyes that made him throw his plan out the window. With his heart pounding at his gamble, he put his cards on the table. “Truthfully, I do not want you as my mistress, but I do want you for my wife.” He knelt in front of her. “Will you marry me, Diana?” She tried to pull her hands away, but he held tight.

“No, I will not marry you. No. No, Michael, how could you think I would?”

“Because, from the first time we met, there has been something between us that has never gone away. I know you feel it, too. Then there is Jamie. He is my son, and I want to be a father to him. I can’t do that from a distance.”
And because I love you.

If he thought it would make a difference, he would have told her, but what if she could not find her way to loving him again? He would have bared his heart, and then she would feel pressed to return the sentiment, or worse, pity him.

“I thought you would be willing to provide us with a small cottage somewhere. You know you can visit him anytime you wish. I thought you cared enough to do that.”

“I more than care, Diana, but you need only understand this. You and Jamie belong to me.”

She jerked her hands from his. “I don’t belong to anyone, my lord.”

He was quickly losing ground. It was time to turn the tables. “Why do you prefer to live out your days in a cottage in God knows where? What happens when Jamie leaves you? Someday he will, you know. Why would you choose spending your nights alone instead of in my bed?”

She wrapped her arms around her waist and rocked forward, and then back. “I can’t talk about it.”

Ah, they were getting to the heart of it. “Why is that? Is there a physical reason? By that, I mean, are you physically incapable of having relations? Although if you say yes, I will not believe you considering our night at Wyburne.”

She blushed prettily, her eyes lowered to her lap. “No.”

“Then is it me? Do you find me unappealing?”

His question brought an adorable little snort. “Hardly.”

“Well, that is good to know. Do you think I might find you unappealing?”

Silence.

He waited.

She rocked faster and tears fell down her cheeks.

“I won’t,” he said softly.

“You will. You don’t know and I don’t think I could bear it if you did.” Without another word, she walked out.

Oh, but he did. His bastard of a cousin had marked her, convinced her she was repulsive, and done his utmost to deprive her of ever being happy. For his own gratification, he was going to dig up Leo’s grave and desecrate it in every way he could conceive. Even then, he wouldn’t find the satisfaction he craved on her behalf.

Was she too damaged to ever be well again? Could he spend his life with her and never engage in intimate relations? One way or another he was going to marry her, and he would honor his wedding vows. It might well kill him, but he would learn to live like a monk if he must.

Well, that hadn’t gone as well as he’d hoped. A lesson learned. Never again would he toss one of his plans away.

Chapter Eighteen

Diana rang for Fanny. She needed fresh air, wanted the sun on her face. If Michael had made up his mind to marry her, there would be no stopping him. She’d told him she wouldn’t go to Wyburne, didn’t want to go to London, and wouldn’t stay in this chamber. She might as well have beaten her head against a brick wall. If she had understood why he gave her this room, she would have moved herself. Far away from London would have been ideal.

He was mad! She couldn’t marry him. Being married meant giving him an heir, which meant he would see her scars, and when he did, she would see pity in his eyes, or worse, disgust.

If she asked him to never come to her bed, would he agree? No, he needed an heir, something she couldn’t give him if she wasn’t willing to allow intimacies. It came to her then, the way to put a stop to this absurdity. It was too unnerving to think about now, however.

She wanted to spend time with her son, needed his sweet presence. Between his schooling and riding lessons, he barely had time for her and she missed him.

“My lady, you rang for me?”

“There you are. Bring my pelisse, Fanny, and wait for me downstairs. I wish to go for a walk.”

She went to the schoolroom. “My pardon, Mr. Denton, but I’ve come to steal your student for an hour, if you are agreeable. I wish to take him for a walk in the park.”

He bowed. “Of course, my lady. He has been diligently studying since luncheon and would no doubt welcome a bit of fresh air. ”

“Is Michael coming, too, Mama?”

“No, love, not today.” She took his hand and led him downstairs. How had Michael become so important to him so quickly? Would he be happy if she married Michael? He would probably be ecstatic.

Foolish man. Why did he want to marry her? She couldn’t deny there was still something between them, but love? The ability to feel that emotion had been beaten out of her long ago. She wished he had asked her to be his mistress. It would be easier to refuse. The temptation to accept his marriage offer was a difficult thing to resist. She would be forever safe, Jamie fed, clothed and under the protection of his true father.

Jamie let go of her hand and jumped down the steps. “Aunt Suzanne, are you going walking with us?”

“Well, good afternoon,
ma précieux.
If your mother doesn’t mind my company, I would love to.” She held up Diana’s pelisse. “I came across your maid in the hall and she mentioned you were off for a walk. I thought you would not mind if I came along, and so I sent Fanny back to her duties.”

“By all means, it would be a pleasure to have you join us.” Diana enjoyed talking to Lady Suzanne, and she would provide a welcome diversion from thoughts of Michael, and his impossible offer.

“I know what you called me, Aunt Suzanne.”

“Do you now?”

“Yes, you said I’m your precious. I’m learning Latin and French. Michael said I’m smarter than him, but he speaks French very fast, so I think he is still smarter than me.”

They walked to the park with Jamie between them. Diana tried to listen to the banter between Jamie and Lady Suzanne, but her mind drifted to Michael. It had to be Jamie that motivated him. Hadn’t he said he wanted his son with him? He wanted Jamie, and she just happened to be the means.

He also claimed there was still something between them, but
something
was not good enough. If he loved her, she might risk it and pray Shakespeare spoke true when he said love is blind. Except for the lack of food, she yearned to be back at the cottage where her days had been simple. Yet, that was not entirely true. She had no wish to return to a life of struggle, fearing each day Jamie wasn’t getting enough to eat.

She huffed out an irritated breath. The purpose of this walk was to take her mind off Michael and his proposal. It was a lovely fall day, and she was here to enjoy time with her son, the fresh air and the sun on her face. She didn’t care if she freckled, the warmth on her skin was all that mattered. And she would have begun her enjoyment at that very moment if she hadn’t spied Lady Hartwell coming toward them.

Blast. She darted a glance at Lady Suzanne. Was she aware of Michael’s affair? Did she like Lady Hartwell? There was no way to avoid the woman, and Diana hoped that with Lady Suzanne by her side, there would be no cutting remarks slipped between pleasantries.

“Upon my word, Lady Daventry,” Lady Hartwell said, “it is such a delight to see you in Town. Will you be here long, or is your visit a short one? Oh, I do hope you shall call on me. I so enjoyed it when my dear Lord Daventry brought you for tea last you were here. You must ask him to do so again. I insist.”

Witch. Diana had the urge to grab Lady Hartwell’s parasol away. That pale, perfect skin would surely be susceptible to freckling. Jamie scowled at the woman.

Lady Suzanne sighed. “Oh dear, Lady Hartwell, I fear my time is spoken for on this visit. My dearest Diana has brought my nephew for a visit, and Daventry and I are busy keeping them entertained.”

The witch turned to her. “Oh, Lady Brantley, so sorry, I didn’t notice you.”

“It must be the eyes, my lady. Have you had a doctor examine them?” Heavens, there went her mouth again.

The ghostly eyes narrowed. “Pardon?”

She should stop speaking. She really, really should. “I read somewhere, I don’t remember where…though I wish I did so I could refer you to the exact assertion that people with ghost eyes don’t see very well. I’m sorry I can’t tell you more. If you wish, should I ever recall, I will send you a note so you may read it yourself.”

“Why you—”

“Lady Hartwell, what a surprise.”

Startled, Diana yelped when Michael stepped past her. Taking Lady Hartwell by the elbow, he escorted her away. Did he have to disappear with the woman? “Whatever did he see in her?”

Lady Suzanne chuckled. “We all make mistakes, my dear, but men just seem to make them bigger and better.”

“You are aware then of their relationship?”

Lady Suzanne shrugged as if it was of no importance.

Jamie tugged on her hand. “Mama, I don’t think that lady liked us.”

“The lady is of no concern to us,
ma précieux.
” Lady Suzanne took Jamie’s hand. “Come, shall we continue with our walk?”

Diana followed, her enjoyment of the day stolen by a mean-spirited, beautiful woman. Was Michael even now staring into her pale blue eyes, or kissing those pink lips? What did it matter if he was? Diana didn’t want him, and even if she did, he wouldn’t want her. She glanced over her shoulder, but there was no sign of him.

It truly didn’t matter.

“Look, there’s Harry. Can I go see him, Mama?”

Harry stood at the edge of the Serpentine, feeding bread to the ducks. Another boy sat on the ground, his hand busy drawing on a sketchpad. He must be Bensey, Harry’s twin. Lord Derebourne had said he was an artist. His lordship sat on a bench, his long legs stretched out in front of him. He appeared to be taking a nap.

“You may, but stay out of the water, mind you.”

Jamie looked at his boots. “Hansen polished my boots this morning. He wouldn’t like it if I got them wet.”

“No, I daresay he wouldn’t.” She kept an eye on him as he ran to Harry.

“He is such a lovely child.”

Diana slipped her hand around Lady Suzanne’s arm. “Thank you. It is wonderful to see him learning how to be a boy. He’s never had the opportunity before now.”

“My grandson will never return to such a life, nor will you.”

She knew? “Did Michael tell you?”

“Yes, he did. Come, let’s sit on that bench there. We can have a nice chat while we watch the children play with the ducks.”

“How much did he tell you?” Diana asked once they settled on the bench.

“I think everything, my dear. We all failed to comprehend the evil that lived in my nephew, and for that, I am so very sorry. It is still difficult to believe he would do such a thing.”

“Yet, he did. It is only that Michael should have…he should have believed in me. I thought he knew me, but I was wrong.” She could tell herself all day she understood now she knew all, but it still hurt.

“Madame de Lafayette, wise in the ways of love, wrote, ‘
L'on est bien faible quand on est amoureux
.’ It is truer for men.”

“One is very weak when one is in love?”

“
Absolument.
The scene was so very shocking, and Michael was in a terrible rage. He was in such pain because of what he saw, it made him weak, or stupid if you prefer.”

“I do.”

“Do you think you can ever find it in your heart to forgive him?”

Diana turned from watching the boys. “I already have. Shall we collect your grandson and return home?” Home. She no longer knew where that was. Where would she go if she did not marry Michael? No,
when
she did not marry him? She glanced around the park, but there was no sign of him. He was probably still with the witch. Stupid man. The woman would make his life miserable if he married her.