The Letters (Carnage #4) (12 page)

“I have no clue what to make of all this. I’ve put him on such a pedestal for all these years. He was the loyal, faithful husband, while I was the cheating whore of a wife, but he was just as guilty as I was. Then, to top it all off, he tells me to be with Cam. I mean, what the fuck? What do I do with all this? Everything I thought was us, me and Sean, really wasn’t.” I start to cry. I fight it and fight it, but I lose, and I’m so fucking angry with myself for crying that it makes me cry more.

“I’ve felt so much guilt. I convinced myself that I lost Baby M because I fucked Cam. All these years, I’ve felt so much guilt over what Cam and I did, for moving on so soon, and for going back to Cam. It was all pointless.”

Ashley jumps up from beside me and stands with her hands on her hips.

“Right, stop your snivelling just for five fucking minutes and listen up.”

I shoot a look across to Jim, who just frowns and shrugs her shoulders.

“You and Sean were not a fucking fairy tale couple. You were real people, with real problems. No marriage is perfect, not a single one. I don’t know why, for all these years, you’ve thought that yours and Sean’s was, but it wasn’t. So, build a fucking bridge and get over it. You were two people who loved each other passionately. No one will ever call that into question, but that alone does not make for a perfect marriage. Sadly, Sean died. Sean died and you lost Beau and it was horrible, fucking awful, George. Not just for you either, I might add, it was fucking horrible for all of us. Then you got lucky. You got so
fucking
lucky. TDH did exactly what Sean predicted he would. He swept in, he picked you up, and bit by bit, he put you back together.”

She pauses to take a swig of her wine, and I take that moment to draw breath. Apparently, while she was speaking, I’d forgotten to breathe.

“Where you go from here is entirely up to you. You either finally accept that what you had with Maca was beautiful, but far from perfect, and move on, enjoying the amazing and wonderful life you have with Cam and the kids guilt free. Or you ignore everything that you’ve discovered by reading these letters and continue living half a life, weighed down with the unnecessary guilt you feel because of past actions that can never be changed. What’s it gonna be? You finally gonna give Cam everything, every little piece that makes you who you, or are you gonna keep riding the ‘I’m Not Worthy’ train?”

The three of us sit in silence.

“I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor starts to play and totally in sync, the three of us look up towards the speakers in the ceiling. We start to laugh. I wipe the tears from under my eyes.

“It’s time,” I say quietly.

“Yes, it fucking is,” Ash states before high fiving me.

We put the letters away and have a party for three in my office. We set my “Old Skool Club Classics” playlist up and dance the night away. The last thing I remember is singing Alison Limerick’s “Where Love Lives” into an empty wine bottle. All of us finally crashing in my bed at around four in the morning.

Despite the lateness of the hour and the wine I’ve consumed, I can’t sleep. I toss and turn for about half an hour before Ash whisper shouts, “Stop fucking thinking, George. The sound of your brain is keeping me awake.”

“I can’t help it.”

“Yes, you can,” Jimmie joins in. “Like Ash says, build a bridge and get the fuck over it. You are both the unluckiest and luckiest person I’ve ever known. It’s about time you started enjoying the good and letting go of the bad. Life is short and then you die. You know first-hand how that one works. Time to move on, George. We’re all sick of ya whining.”

“Yeah, bored. Bored. Bored,” Ash adds.

“Gee, thanks ladies.”

“Anytime. Now, go to fucking sleep before I put this pillow over your head.”

“And I help her hold it down,” Jimmie offers.

I go to sleep.

I put the potato salad I just made into the fridge. I’ve followed Marian’s recipe to the letter and can only hope and pray I haven’t fucked it up. There was very little cooking involved, except for parboiling some potatoes and frying the bacon, so I have every hope.

I know he’s there before I even straighten up. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as his big arms slide around my waist.

He trails kisses over my neck before whispering in my ear, “I’m gonna slap that skinny little arse of yours till it’s raw next time you ignore my texts and calls. Whose dick indeed.” He bites and then sucks my neck. “I’ve missed you so fucking much, Mrs King.”

I turn myself around in his arms and wrap mine around his neck. “You have no idea, baby. No fucking idea.”

He claims my mouth, and it takes me less than a second to surrender.

I waited for Dido to start playing “White Flag”. But instead, it is Shine Down’s “Second Chance” that comes over the hidden speakers.

“Get a room you two. Where are the beers, big man?”

I look around Cam’s broad chest to see my brother trying to get around us to the fridge.

“Big brother Marley, me and you need to talk.”

He stops in his tracks. “We do? About what?”

I’m not gonna hold back, I don’t care that Cam is here to witness this. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us, and I want the truth from my brother. What’s done is done, nothing can be changed now, and I’d just like to know the truth. He either slept with her while we were together, or he didn’t. Whatever the answer, I’ll live with it. It’ll hurt and I’ll be pissed off. I am, in fact, pissed off but I’m not as angry as I should be. I don’t know if that’s because of my age or because I’ve got my head around the idea that neither of us were perfect. If Marley doesn’t know the truth, well then I’ll just have to live with that, too.

“Carla.”

Not missing a beat or breaking eye contact with me, Marley nods his head slightly.

Cam steps to my side with one arm still around my waist, holding me against his side.

“Honest to god, George, there’s really not much to tell. They were together on and off when you two were apart. They were never exclusive, and I don’t think she was anything more than a warm and willing body. Apparently, she got pregnant, but because he got back together with you, she terminated the pregnancy without even letting him know. She announced it in a room full of people years later, and he distanced himself from her completely after that.” I watch his throat move as he swallows hard.

“When you lost the baby on New Year’s and things were a little rough between the two of you, she started sniffing around. He wanted no part of it, George. Despite the fact that you kept pushing him away, despite the fact that he was grieving for the loss of his baby just like you were, he kept her at arm’s length. She turned up at your house in Hampstead and made a pass at him. I walked in.”

Whoa. He knew? Marley knew and never said anything to me. The disappointment I felt at that moment almost floored me.

“Don’t look at me like that, George. I walked in on him pushing her away. Things weren’t good between the two of you as it was, and I wasn’t about to make them worse. He told her to leave. He went to Mum’s the next day and you two sorted your shit out, and that was it.”

I nod my head, hating the fact that I actually understand why he didn’t say anything to me. I watch as a look passes between Cam and Marley, and instantly, my suspicions are raised again. Did Cam know about Carla too? Had he also kept quiet all these years?

“What? What was that?” I ask.

“What was what?” they ask in unison. Making me even more suspicious.

“That look you just gave him? Don’t even think about lying to me, Marley Layton.”

He looks from me to Cam, who shrugs his big shoulders from beside me.

I watch my brother rake his fingers through his brown hair, which has the first signs of grey appearing just above his ears.

“I went to see Cam.”

“What?” I ask, thinking that I’ve asked this question a lot lately.

“The night I walked in on Maca and Carla,  me and him had a long chat. He was worried that he was losing you. He had it in his head that there was something going on between you and Cam. He’d seen photos of the two of you together at Cam’s club from that night you had a run in with Haley White. He felt that the way Cam looked at you in those pictures meant there might be something going on. Anyway, I told him to man up and sort his shit out, the next day, he went over to mums and the pair of you flew off somewhere on holiday, remember?”

I nod my head. “The Dominican. We stayed for two weeks.”

“Whatever. Anyway, in my infinite wisdom, I thought it would be a good idea to give Cam a visit and warn him to stay the fuck away from you.”

My mouth quite literally hangs open as I step back from Cam and look up at him. He holds his hands up as if he’s surrendering. “Don’t go blaming me for this. I told you in Australia that your mum and brothers had all threatened me with bodily harm.”

He’s right, he did.

But then I remember something.

“You told me he came to see you when we first got together.”

Cam shrugs. “It was a little white lie. I didn’t wanna cause trouble.”

“Don’t blame him,” Marley interrupts. “I went to see him again when you came back from Australia and asked him not to mention what I’d done.”

Marley tilts his head to the side and holds out his hands, palms up. “I lost ya once, George. I didn’t want us falling out. I’d lost one of my best mates, I didn’t wanna lose another.”

I don’t know whether to bitch slap or kiss him.

“Now, you got a fucking beer or what?”

I slap him.

We spend the rest of the afternoon enjoying the company of family. My brothers, their wives, some of their kids, our kids, and my parents. We eat, we drink, and we laugh. We sit around the outdoor dining table on our back patio telling stories and we reminisce. Sean’s name is remembered with affection, and I neither cry nor feel guilty.

With the help of my two best friends, I’ve finally accepted the path that my life has taken. Having regrets is pointless. Feeling guilty changes nothing. I need to accept that what I had with Sean, was most definitely true love but it was far from perfect. The time has finally come to love my husband the way he deserves. I don’t have to divide my heart into sections. It’s his, all of it. He might share it with our children, Sean, and my lost babies, but he has it all.

I reach across and run my fingers through the hair at the back of his neck. I love it when he grows it longer and down past his collar.

John Legend’s “All of Me” begins to play, and I smile at the relevance of my playlist again. I wonder if I actually subconsciously choose to download the songs I do?

“What are you smiling about?” Cam asks quietly from beside me. Every one seems to be engaged in their own conversations, except my parents. They are both snoring quietly, and my dad’s hand is covering my mum’s on the arm of her chair.

“You, Tiger. I’m smiling at you.”

“And why is that, Kitten?”

“Because I love you so fucking much, that’s why. I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life right now, and it’s all thanks to you and everything you’ve given me.”

His warm brown eyes dart over my face, giving me tingles in my belly. “Are you drunk, Kitten?”

I giggle. “Maybe a little, but that doesn’t mean I don’t mean every word I just said.”

He nods his head slowly while rubbing his index finger back and forth over his top lip.

“So, you loving me enough for anal later?”

“Cam!” I say a little louder than I intend. “Seriously. Do you never give up?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “No.”

I laugh at his honesty.

“A blow job then? Gwaaaan, you know you wanna.” He winks. I melt.

“I think I can stretch to a blowie.”

“Now. Go inside right now, Kitten. Go up to our bathroom and wait for me on your knees.”

My mouth goes dry as my palms begin to sweat. I won’t even mention what happens in my knickers.

I stand from the table, about to make up an excuse about collecting up the empties when the alarm sounds to let us know the security gates at the front of the drive are opening.

“That’ll be Paige. She just text me for the gate code.”

Paige hadn’t made it over last night. Her new boyfriend flew in from America to surprise her, and she’s bringing him over today to meet us all.

“Unlucky Tiger, the BJ will have to wait.”

Cam pouts and drops his big soft bottom lip. I lean forward catch it between my teeth before kissing his mouth. I’m still holding the empty bottle of wine I’d cleared from the table a moment ago.

“Did we have odds on this one?” Marley asks.

“Yeah, I said a week at four to one, you said two days at three to one, and Cam said an hour at ten to one. Dad was being generous and gave him a month at a one hundred to one and Bailey plans on terrifying the poor bloke and gave him twenty-four hours at eleven to two.”

“You lot are horrible,” I tell them.

Every time one of the girls brings home a new boyfriend, my brothers, Cam, and my dad run a book on how quickly they can scare them off. It’s funny, but mean.

“Just be nice for a little while, please?” Jimmie asks. “He lost his dad or step dad a few years back and now he’s flown over here because his mum’s really sick.”

“I thought you said he was American?” Len questions.

“His dad’s American, his mum’s English. He’s lived most of his life in the States. He’s in a band I think she said, or his dad was. I can’t remember, but any way, just be nice.”

Marley and Bailey both clap then rub their palms together and make a
mwaaaahaha
sound.

“Bring it on,” Marls says quietly and then makes an
umph
noise as Ash elbows him in the ribs.

Paige walks out onto the patio looking stunning. Her hair’s piled on top of her head, she has minimum makeup on, and is wearing a pair of denim cut-offs with a gorgeous off the shoulder cheese cloth blouse in a pretty baby blue colour. The wedges on her feet matching her top perfectly. She looks every inch the catwalk model she is.

Holding her hand and looking a lot less nervous than he should, is a bloke of about twenty-five. He’s wearing board shorts, a Led Zeppelin T-shirt, and a pair of flip-flops. Sunglasses cover his eyes.

“Hey, everyone. This is my boyfriend RJ. RJ, this is my family.”

RJ lifts his sunglasses up to his head and rests them there.

“Hey, all, thanks for having me over.” He smiles and they start to make their way towards the table. I watch them approach with a strange sense of unease creeping over me, the closer they get. There’s something about this boy’s face that looks vaguely familiar, and I’m not sure if it’s that or the wine that is making me feel both sick and a little uncomfortable.

Marley stands abruptly, pushing his chair back noisily in the process.

He looks at me, his eyes wide with panic.

“What’s the RJ stand for mate?” My dad, who is now wide awake and sizing up his next victim, asks.

“Oh, um, Rocco Junior. My dad was Rocco Taylor, it just saved on confusion.”

Marley almost staggers over as he backs away from the table. I drop the empty wine bottle I was holding.

THE

END …

FOR NOW!