The Librarian Principle (37 page)

“Not this kind. This is why we have problems right now. We can’t even have a normal relationship, Ryder. I can’t tell any of my friends about you, except the one who lives out of town. How long can we keep doing this?”

“Have you changed your mind about making this work?”

“No.” Her voice caught. The thought of losing him scared her, but the thought of damaging her career frightened her as well.

“You’re certain?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know. I want to be with you, but it’s complicated.” Liese closed her eyes, pausing before she voiced the concern weighing heavily on her. “We’ll end up resenting each other if our careers are put in jeopardy because of this.”

Ryder swallowed audibly, and Liese looked up from her lap to find his head bowed. He wrapped her hand in his. “You’ve had a very stressful evening. I know you have a lot on your mind, and I’m asking you not to make any rash decisions, at least not tonight. You need to focus on you. This Sean thing is finally under control. It’s going to be okay.”

“I’m just overwhelmed.” Liese ran her fingers through his hair. She wanted him to stay, but she needed him to go. An emotional battle waged inside her, and she didn’t think she could hold it together much longer. Once the first soldier fell, the rest would follow in domino effect. Tears threatened to break her composure. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

“Liese.” He touched her chin, lifting her head gently. “I wanted to wait, but in light of recent events—”

Liese’s stomach dropped. He looked serious—too serious. “Ryder . . .”

“There’s a superintendent position at the public school board in Montgomery County.” He stopped and waited for a reaction. When she remained silent, he continued, “If I applied and got the job, it could make things easier.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“It would be a good thing. We wouldn’t be working in the same building anymore.”

“But wouldn’t you have to move?” Montgomery was farther south. The prospect of a long-distance relationship did not ease the choked feeling that overtook her.

Ryder shook his head. “It would be reasonable to commute.” He smoothed her cheek. “We would be free to pursue this relationship without fear of backlash.”

“Which would be a good thing.” Liese echoed his earlier statement.

“It’s definitely an option to consider.” Ryder gave her a tentative smile and kissed her cheek. “We can talk about this later. You’ve had enough thrown at you tonight without tossing this into the mix.”

“It’s a lot to digest.” Her head swam with the new information. Piled on top of everything else, she didn’t feel capable of processing it.

“I can only imagine.” Ryder opened his arms, and she went into them.

This was the kind of physical contact she needed right now: benign and comforting. She felt him bury his nose in her hair and inhale deeply. They stayed like that for a few minutes before she extracted herself. He searched her face. After a long moment, he rubbed his hands over her shoulders and kissed her chastely.

“I should go. You need rest, and I’m sure Marissa would like to spend some time with you. I know she’s been concerned.”

Liese snorted.

“At least Blake’s no longer an issue.”

“That’s one way to look at it.” Liese sighed.

Fatigue came over her like a leaden shroud as she walked Ryder to the door. He erased some of the cold she couldn’t seem to shake with his goodbye kisses. She sensed desperation in the way he held her almost too tightly, his body taut and rigid as his lips pressed against hers.

“Call if you need me,” he whispered.

“I’ll be fine. I’ll talk to you in the morning.” She touched the side of his neck and felt his pulse pounding against her fingers.

“Liese, I—” He paused, meeting her gaze with one so intense her breath faltered. A range of emotions passed through his eyes before settling on agonized regret. “Get some rest.”

She closed the door and watched him leave through the sheer curtain. Long after his taillights had disappeared, she focused on the darkness beyond, trying to figure out what he had wanted to say.

Eventually she made her way to the kitchen, where Blake and Marissa sat at the table, inches apart with their bodies turned into each other, holding mugs of tea. She wondered if their knees were touching under the table, and a stab of envy pierced her. They could have a normal relationship. They could be together, and no one would pass judgment on them.

“Can I get you something?” Marissa offered, her fingernails tapping the side of her mug.

Liese declined. “I’m going to bed. I’m exhausted.”

“I’ll be up in a few minutes,” Marissa promised.

“Don’t rush. Sorry about tonight, Blake. I didn’t mean to ruin the final performance.” Liese gave him a pained smile.

“You didn’t ruin anything.”

But Liese didn’t want to be mollified; she wanted to wallow. “G’night,” she mumbled.

The blissful solitude of her bedroom offered the privacy she needed. She threw herself on the mattress and buried her face in her pillow. The tears came fast and hard, her body shaking with the weight of her sobs. She let the waves of uncertainty wash over her, and her tears carried her away.

Sometime later, Marissa’s hand settled on her back. “Liese?”

With her face still buried in her pillow, she took a couple of deep breaths. The hiccups had started, but at least she’d stopped sobbing. When her breathing calmed, Liese rolled over and sat up, hugging the pillow she’d been snotting into.

“Did something happen with you and Ryder?”

“No, not really.” Liese shook her head. “We haven’t broken up, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“But something happened?”

Liese sighed. “He’s talking about applying for a job in another county.”

“Which means?” Marissa prompted.

Liese explained what could happen.

“Then why don’t you sound very happy about it?” Marissa asked.

Liese rubbed her face. “I don’t know. Even if he did get the job—if he decides to apply—people will still talk when they find out we’re together. And they’ll already be talking about this mess tonight.”

“So? Who gives a shit if people talk?” When Liese didn’t reply Marissa was the one who sighed. “Look, I know it’s been a hell of a day for you. I don’t think now is the time to have a philosophical conversation about the losers who are going to gossip no matter what the deal is with you and Ryder. He cares about you, and you care about him. Right now that’s all that matters. We’ll figure out the rest when the time comes.”

“Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it,” Liese replied.

“Can I ask you something?” Marissa said.

“Sure.”

“Do you love him?”

“What?” Liese’s voice rose two octaves too many.

“It’s a simple question. Do you love him?”

Liese didn’t answer for a long moment. Caught up in all the other crap surrounding their relationship, she’d avoided looking too closely at her true feelings for Ryder.

But now she whispered a quiet
yes
.

“Then it’s worth it.”

Liese exuded crankiness the next morning. While she’d resolved that she wanted to be with Ryder, she still didn’t know what that would look like, or how to manage her feelings. She planned to see him and then hide out in the library until the holidays arrived. Her cheeks flamed with heat every time she imagined having to answer questions about her crazy ex and what had happened at the play.

When she entered the office, Betty sat behind her desk, examining her nails. Her eyes lit up with the kind of gleam Liese associated with gossipy teenagers when she tried to sneak past. Obviously word had gotten out. Betty beckoned her over; peeking around to ensure their conversation was not overheard. “I’m surprised you’re here today, what with last night and all . . .”

“I’m sorry?” Liese decided to play dumb. What better way to find out what the rumor mill had churned out.

“Well, I—” Betty looked around again, seeming more uncertain this time. “I heard the police were here.”

“To see the play?” Liese continued to feign confusion. “One of the officers had a nephew in the performance, and you know how supportive this community is.”

Betty frowned. She clearly didn’t like the thought of doling out inaccurate gossip. “Harvey mentioned they made an arrest.”

“Oh. That.” Liese’s voice cracked. So much for the ruse.

The sound of movement came from inside Ryder’s office. Harvey opened the door and stepped out, saving Liese from further interrogation. He looked a bit worse for wear as he grunted a greeting at her chest and trudged past. But his sloth-like appearance didn’t mean he’d lost his smarmy touch. He paused at Betty’s desk to make a comment that set her all atwitter. Liese barely suppressed a gag.

“Liese, come on in.” Ryder smiled warmly at her, but he radiated tension.

Once inside, he motioned for her to close the door. She didn’t know how to act and felt surprisingly ambivalent about being shut in his office with him alone. Every cell in her body begged her to move toward him and let him pull her into his arms. Yet she was determined to remain professional. As if he could sense her conflict, he rose from his chair, his hand passing over his tie.

“Did you sleep well?” he asked, voice gravelly. He cleared his throat and fidgeted with the cufflink at his wrist.

“Not really,” she admitted.

“Me neither.” He rearranged the pens on his desk.

Silence unfolded and stretched between them as she waited. When it became obvious she wasn’t moving from her position in front of the door, Ryder stepped around his desk. He raised a tentative hand and pushed her hair back over her shoulders. Gentle fingers skimmed the length of her arms until he reached her hands. He held them in his own and gave a soft squeeze. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Liese sighed, her brain fritzing out at the physical contact. Nothing and no one else existed when they were alone like this. She was fooling herself if she thought it would be easy to get over him if things didn’t work out. “A whole lot of nothing at the moment.”

“I call you on that lie.” His sad smile eclipsed the humor in his tone.

“I’m just tired, and I’m nervous about dealing with everyone today. Betty’s already grilled me about the police being here, and you know what that means.” Liese focused on their twined fingers. If she kept looking at him, she’d get caught up in his intensity. After her conversation with Marissa last night, there was so much more to say, but his office wasn’t the place to do that.

“She’s fishing for details. She’s already done that with me,” Ryder said.

“Well, she’s out there flirting with Harvey now, so who knows what she’ll get out of him.” Liese shuddered. “I feel like my personal life is on a billboard after last night.”

“Do you want to take the day off?”

“And postpone the inevitable?” Liese shook her head. “I’d rather deal with the Sean crap before the holidays than spend the entire break stewing about the ridiculous stories people will concoct.”

Ryder nodded as if he understood, but his experience differed greatly from hers. He’d played the hero, calling in the police again. She was the one with the whack-a-doo ex-boyfriend.

“And how are you feeling about the rest of last night?” he asked. “Managed to process that at all?”

“Still overwhelmed.” Liese squeezed his hands, hoping it came across as reassuring. Her heart began to race all over again just thinking about the possibility of him switching jobs.

“When can I see you?” he asked abruptly.

“Marissa leaves tomorrow.”

“Shall I come to you?”

“Okay.” She immediately began counting the hours until they could sort things through.

“May I kiss you?” He leaned in, stopping a few inches shy of her mouth and waited for permission.

Liese lifted her chin in agreement. Ryder slipped an arm around her waist, and dipping his head, he covered her mouth with his. The innocence of the kiss evaporated as his tongue swept out to meet hers, the pent-up desire and desperation she carried mirrored as he claimed her mouth. Liese was far too aware of their environment, though, and after a moment, she broke the searing kiss, though her body demanded more.