The Life She Wants (22 page)

She had a feeling everything was about to change. She could smell it in the wind.

Maddie was getting older, more mature. She was asking the questions Adam had predicted, and then some. She wanted to know how she came to be. Did her parents love each other? If they did, why did they stop? Riley could no longer live in denial—Jock was a pretty good dad and Maddie loved him.

And Adam, he would never leave them, but he wasn't going to belong to them anymore. It was the elephant in the room—Emma had come back and Adam was different. Emma had come back and Riley had lost fifteen years, feeling thrown back in time. She wanted to ask where Emma was today but she wouldn't. Surely Lyle would look after her. Or her landlady would.

Riley tried to savor the two days, to fill up on them, as if they'd have to hold her for a long time. The presents were a success and dinner was slowly being prepared. She stood at the stove and sink with her mother, got out the Christmas dishes and set the table. Maddie came into the dining room, her cell phone to her ear. “Put an extra plate on. Daddy is coming to dinner.”

“Does he know it's at four?” Riley asked.

“He knows. He's glad. He'll have to go to work early tomorrow.”

Because Mackie's would be a madhouse, Riley thought. People would be returning and exchanging all their gifts. He'd worked for Mackie's full-time since getting his degree. Which took him over five years to accomplish, she reminded herself.

But he'd been there for fifteen years—part-time at first while he went to school, steadily working his way up. It wasn't a big job but it was solid.

He wasn't the senior partner of a law firm or chief of neurosurgery, but he worked hard, long hours in a tough, competitive business and his employees loved him.
So when are you going to give him a break, huh
?
she asked herself.

He arrived, wearing the ugly Christmas sweater Maddie had gotten him, thrilling her and forcing a laugh out of everyone, even Adam. And too soon it was coming to a close and Riley had a sinking feeling the Christmas holidays she'd known since Maddie was born would never be the same. Maddie was growing up. She was so smart they were already looking at colleges. Riley, though still young, was staring in the face of a different life. June would age, Adam would leave her, Maddie would build a life of her own.

Riley's phone rang and she fished it out of her purse.

“I just wanted to call to wish you a merry Christmas,” Logan said.

“And merry Christmas to you!” she replied cheerily. “We're just sitting down. Can I give you a call after we eat?”

“Perfect,” he said. “I am blessedly finished with my family. I'm home.”

“I'll call in a little while,” she said.

Jock and Adam both left while Riley and June were cleaning up the leftovers and washing the dishes. Maddie was on the phone planning a big shopping day with Gramma and two of her girlfriends for tomorrow bright and early. Riley would go to the office. The Monday after Christmas was always a busy day for her crews.

That left only tonight. Maddie was staying overnight with Gramma, and Riley was alone. She felt a little guilty that seeing Logan hadn't even come to mind. It was only seven and Christmas was over.

It was a dark, cloudy night and she drove to Jock's house. He'd lived in this house for three years now. It was small and one of the newer houses in Santa Rosa, a new construction. He was proud of it. Riley had never been inside but she knew where it was because she'd dropped Maddie off there to visit many times. Maddie hadn't spent the night very often; her life was still mostly with her mom and gramma and girlfriends. Jock didn't push any kind of custody arrangement. He didn't dare. Riley scared him, she knew that.

She sat in her car out front for a while, just thinking. She wasn't sure what she was going to do, but here she was. She was driven by some sentimental force she didn't understand. After ten minutes or so, she walked up to the front door and rang the bell.

Jock threw open the door and looked at her in shock. “Riley?” he said. “You need Maddie to stay over?” he asked, looking over her shoulder.

He had gotten rid of the sweater and wore an old sweatshirt—Seahawks. His jeans were old, torn here and there and looked like a beloved garment and in absolutely poor taste. He was in his stocking feet and held the TV remote in his hand. The TV was muted but there were football players paused like statues on the screen.

“You shouldn't just open the door like that,” she said. “I could've been a home invader or something.”

“In Santa Rosa?”

“We have crime here, you know.”

“Would you like to come in?” he asked.

“I don't want to interrupt. I just had something on my mind and... Maddie's growing up so fast.”

He stepped back and held the door open. “I'm having a cup of coffee. Would you like one?”

She absently rubbed her tummy. “I've had too much of everything today. But I wondered if we could have a little talk.”

“Something wrong?” he asked, walking back into his living room.

“No, I—” She stopped talking and looked around. He had a tan velour sectional, a tall dining table surrounded by stools—looked like a poker table. There was a wall unit and a big-screen, but it looked like someone had actually helped him decorate. There were female touches—throw pillows, a marble bowl on the table, a couple of framed prints on the wall, shelved books, a shadow box with pictures of Maddie from childhood. “This is very nice, Jock.”

“Would you like to see Maddie's room?” he asked.

“Sure,” she said.

He led the way and she was stunned to see an actual girl's bedroom. The furniture matched, the bulletin board was covered with pictures, there was pretty bedding, a couple of her trophies were on the bureau, there was a desk and chair, and her pom-poms from seventh grade were hanging up on the wall. On her bedside table was a professionally done portrait of Jock and Maddie. It was beautiful. She walked over to it and picked it up.

“When did you have this taken?”

“Last year. We'd have given you one but I was pretty sure that wouldn't work. My mom has one.”

“Why didn't Maddie tell me?” she asked.

“I suppose because she thinks you don't like it that I'm her father,” he said.

“Oh, nonsense,” she said defensively, with the slightest blush. “I'm surprised by all this. Maddie doesn't stay over here very often.”

“She has, though. Did you think I put her on the couch? She knows she has a room here whenever she wants it or needs it. I bet she has a room at Adam's...”

“No,” Riley said. “No, of course not. But if Mom and I were both going somewhere and needed a babysitter, he wouldn't mind coming over to my house. Or Mom's house. But this is so nice. Thanks.”

“She doesn't use it that much,” he said. “Come on, Riley. What do you want to talk about? You never want to talk.”

She turned and went back to the living room. “We talk,” she said as she went. She sat at the end of the sectional, as far from where his coffee cup sat as she could get. She put her purse down on the floor beside her but didn't even open her coat. “We talk,” she said again.

“Not really,” he said, sitting down. “You're very businesslike.”

“Well, I suppose that goes with the territory. I run a business and I'm used to being that way.”

“And tonight?” he asked.

She sighed deeply. “I don't know why, but it just struck me—things will be changing again. Maddie's growing up. She's a woman now.”

“I wouldn't go that far,” he said. “She's still a young lady to me.”

“Jock... I did a good job, didn't I?”

“Huh?” he said, obviously completely confused.

“A single mother, barely holding it together, living with her mother and brother... Maddie seems to be remarkably well-adjusted. Don't you think?”

“She's fine, Riley. She's amazing.”

“She's been asking me difficult questions lately.”

“Really? Like what? She hasn't had anything new for me,” he said.

“She said you two have talked a lot about back when... When we were so briefly together.”

“I wouldn't say a lot,” he said. “I think she was about twelve when she asked me why we weren't married. I figured that'd be coming. So I told her.”

“But what did you tell her?”

“I told her that getting pregnant was an accident, that we weren't careful about preventing it, about birth control. Mostly my fault. And I issued a warning—teenage boys and young men are idiots, do not trust them. So—we were pregnant and we talked about marriage but didn't think it would work for us. We were too young, for one thing. But we both wanted her—I made sure to tell her that. My mom always said that kids want to know two things—that you love them and wanted them.”

“You offered to give me money for an abortion,” Riley reminded him.

He shook his head sadly. “Look, I did what I thought men did, what I thought they were expected to do. I didn't think it through. Thank God you didn't want that. Thank you for that, Riley. You've always been the smart one.”

“You didn't tell her about that, did you?”

“Of course not,” he said. “That wouldn't do one single positive thing for Maddie and I'm so damn grateful for her, you will just never know. I did tell her that as far as stupid eighteen-year-olds go, I was the dumbest. I told her I had a lot of regrets but none had anything to do with her. She made me the luckiest dimwit alive.”

“She wants to know things, like did we love each other,” Riley said. “I told her I loved you.”

“That was good, to say that. She should think that her mom and dad loved each other when she was made.”

“Jock, I
did
love you. I told you I loved you and you said, ‘Whoa, wait a minute...'”

He rested his elbows on his knees and briefly hung his head. Then he looked at her. “Riley, there's no way I'm ever going to be able to go back in time and fix mistakes like that. I never should have done that. I never should have talked that way. I'm telling you, I was a stupid boy and I was scared to death. I didn't know how I felt. I just didn't know what to do.”

“You wouldn't tell Emma...”

“Yeah, the list just gets longer and longer. Riley, I'll be the first person to admit it took me way too long to grow up, to know my mind, to figure out that life was handing me a gift and there was no way I was ever going to deserve it. But I admit I'm a damn lucky man and really, I'm so grateful. And I made my peace with Emma. I finally got to see her and tell her I was sorry that I did that to her, that I cheated on her.”

“Huh,” Riley huffed.

“I should have called her and told her we were together. Things might be a lot different if I'd just done that.”

“You saw her?” Riley asked.

“Well, yeah.” He laughed ruefully and shook his head. “That daughter of yours, Riley. She's fifteen going on fifty, you know that? After I told her I was someone else's boyfriend when I fell for you, she started asking me if I ever said I was sorry to Emma. Of course I hadn't. I'm too clumsy for that. It would've meant finding her number in New York and we both know she was in a bad place—she didn't need to hear from me. Then Maddie told me she was back. She'd met her. I guess she was with Adam and they ran into her. Maddie isn't sure but she thinks Adam likes her. And Maddie told me Emma would be having dinner with your mother so I hung around and waited for her to leave so I could...”

“Wait! What?”

“What what?” he asked, looking confused.

“Emma had dinner with my mother?”

“Yeah. A week or two ago, I think. You didn't know?”

“No,” she said, feeling her blood pressure rising. “And Adam is seeing her.”

“I don't know. She didn't mention...”

“He is,” Riley said, angry. “I can tell. And my mother is having dinner with her behind my back and not telling me. And you're seeing her, too. Making up with her?”

“Sort of making up. I just wanted to say I was sorry about all that, sorry that it hurt her, not sorry it happened because we're very lucky to have Maddie and—”

“So everyone has personal private stuff going on with Emma and no one finds it necessary to mention any of this to me!”

“Holy Jesus, maybe if you weren't so mad all the time!” he fumed. “Don't you ever get tired of people walking on eggshells around you?”

“Why aren't people at least honest with me?” she demanded.

“I don't know, Riley! Could it be because you get so freaking
angry
?”

She stood up. “So you said you were sorry you cheated on her. Did you ask her for another chance?”

Jock stood, as well. “Oh, for the love of God, of course not! I don't want another chance! Why are you so upset?”

“Oh, I don't know, Jock. Could it be because everyone is keeping stuff from me? My daughter, my brother, my mother, you! But who gave her the job? Me! Why am I always the one picking up the pieces?”

Jock just stared at her in shock. “Is that what you think? That you pick up the pieces? Not June or me or even Adam? Aren't we the A-Team? I know no one counts on me much but you all can. I do everything any of you asks. You weren't left alone, goddamn it! You had all of us! All of us doing it the way you wanted it done! And here you are, your girl is almost grown and you found someone, she tells me. You finally found someone who deserves you. Well, good for you. And I said I was sorry every way I could so you can get over it now and move on. I never stood a chance with you anyway.”

“You didn't want a chance with me!”

“I asked you to marry me! More than once!”

“To be with Maddie! To be with your daughter!”