The List (5 page)

The maddening thing is that she
could
have tried. She could have made the decision to shop at their stupid stores, to buy the ugly boots and the teeny purses, to bounce along to their crappy music.

If they think she’s ugly for trying to be different, that’s fine by her.

Mission accomplished, in fact!

“Forget it,” Milo says. “Those so-called pretty girls are completely deluded. They’re the ugly ones.”

She stares Milo down. Had he said this yesterday, before she’d found out the truth about him, she could have believed him; she would have felt better. But today was today, and now she knew better. Whatever they had was over. It had to be. She can’t pretend Milo is something he’s not.

But Sarah
is
glad he’s here right now. Glad for the moment, anyway. Because she needs Milo’s help.

She hoists her book bag onto her lap and pulls out her black marker from the front pouch. “Do me a favor. Write
UGLY
as big as you can across my forehead.”

Milo shrinks back. “Why would I do that? Why would you want to do that?”

Sarah stutters for an answer, and settles on, “Do it, Milo.”

He swats the marker away. “Sarah, we had
sex
last night.” He’s all earnest. It’s infuriating.

“Milo! You do not want to piss me off right now! I’d do it myself but I’d write it backward. Please.”

He groans, but he climbs onto his knees and pushes the hair up off her forehead.

The marker drags across her skin. As Milo writes the word, she glances up at the windows in the second-floor bathroom. There are girls staring down at her; they know where to find her, so they’re checking to see if she’s heard yet. Sarah salutes them with her middle finger. “Make it as big as you can,” she tells Milo.

The spicy scent of the ink makes her woozy. Or maybe it’s the anticipation. Milo caps the marker, and the click is like a movie clapboard. The show’s about to start.

“For the record, I am totally
not
cool with this,” Milo whispers as they enter the main door of Mount Washington.

“Then don’t walk with me,” she bites back. “Seriously. Don’t.” She gives him the chance to leave, to take the easy out.

Milo opens his mouth, then thinks better of it. “I’m walking with you,” he says. “I walk you to class every day.” His eyes go again to the word on her forehead, and the corners of his mouth sink.

It makes Sarah’s throat tight. She can’t fucking deal with Milo right now. So she starts walking, fast. The speed flutters her hair off of her forehead, so people can see the word. And they do. They see it.

But only for a second. Once the people in the halls see what she’s done to herself, they quickly find another place to set their eyes. Their shoes, their friends, their homework. They’d rather look at anything but her.

The list is so powerful, its judgment so absolute, and yet no one wants to deal with it in black Sharpie on her face.

Fucking cowards.

But knowing this doesn’t make Sarah feel better. In fact, it makes everything worse. Not only do they think she’s ugly, but they want her to be invisible, too.

ridget Honeycutt is halfway to school when her sister, Lisa, starts begging to put on a little bit of her lipstick.

“No way, Lisa. I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup until sophomore year.”

“Come on, Bridge! Please! Please! Please! Please! Mom won’t know.”

Bridget puts a trembling hand on her temple. “Fine. Whatever. Just … be quiet, okay? I have a serious headache.”

“You’re probably just hungry,” Lisa says, and then reaches into the backseat for Bridget’s purse. She rummages until she pulls out a slender black tube.

Bridget watches from the side of her eyes as her sister flips down the visor. Lisa traces her lips with the stub of peachy pink, presses them together, and blows a kiss at Bridget.

The pink makes Lisa’s braces look extra silver, but Bridget doesn’t say that. Instead she says, “Pretty.”

Lisa touches up the corners of her mouth. “I’m going to wear red lipstick every single day when I’m your age.”

“Red won’t be good with your skin,” Bridget tells her. “You’re too pale.”

Lisa shakes her head. “Everyone can wear red. That’s what
Vogue
says. It just has to be the
right
red. And the right red for girls with dark hair and pale skin is deep cherry.”

“Since when do you read
Vogue
?” Bridget wonders aloud,
thinking of the rainbow that the spines of Lisa’s horse books make on the shelf over her bed.

“Abby and I bought the September issue and read it cover to cover on the beach. We wanted to be prepared for high school.”

“You’re scaring me.”

“Don’t worry. Besides the red lipstick thing, we didn’t learn much. But we did get ideas for homecoming dresses. Abby will be happy you like the one she wants. It’s a red-carpet knock-off.” Lisa pouts. “I hope I find something nice, too.”

Bridget wipes away a smudge of lipstick left on Lisa’s chin. “I said I’d take you shopping this week. We’ll find you a dress.”

“Do you think Mom will let me wear makeup to the dance? I was thinking that if I ace my Earth Science quiz, I’d show her the grade and then ask her. Isn’t that a great plan?”

“Maybe … if Mom didn’t already expect you to get As.”

“I guess I could sneak it on once I get there. I’ll just have to make sure no one takes any pre-dance pictures of me.” As Bridget parks the car, Lisa sets the lipstick on the dashboard and grabs her things. “See you later!”

Bridget watches Lisa sprint across the yard toward Freshman Island, weaving in and out of human traffic, her overstuffed book bag slapping against her legs, her long black ponytail stretching down her back. Lisa is growing up so fast, but there are plenty of glimmers of the little girl that shine through.

It gives Bridget hope for herself. That there’s still a chance to be the girl she was before last summer.

She turns off the car and sits for a few minutes, collecting herself. It is quiet, except for her deep, measured breaths. And
the voice in her brain, calling out instructions that reverberate inside her hollow body.

You have to eat breakfast today.

Eat breakfast, Bridget.

Eat.

This is her life every morning. No, every meal, every bite chewed to a monotone mantra, mental cheerleading needed to accomplish a task that would be no big deal to a normal girl.

She picks up her lipstick and drags a finger through the thin layer of dust on her dashboard. Bridget wants to feel proud that she’s been doing much better. Eating more. But the victories feel bad, if not worse, than her failures.

A girl Bridget knows taps hello on the glass. Bridget lifts her head and manages to smile. It’s a fake one, but her friend doesn’t notice. No one does.

It’s scary how fast things got messed up. Bridget thinks about this a lot. The timeline of her life had been linear and sharp and direct for most of her seventeen years. Until something went jagged.

She could trace it back to, of all things, a bikini.

Every summer of Bridget’s life began and ended the same way — with a trip to the Crestmont Outlet Mall.

It was the halfway point between Mount Washington and the beach cottage where the Honeycutt family spent the entire summer. The family stopped at the Crestmont outlets to eat lunch, fill the gas tank for the second leg of the drive, and shop for clothes. In June, Bridget and Lisa stocked up on summer things. And then, on their way back to Mount Washington in
August, they’d search for back-to-school deals on cardigans and wool skirts.

With summer vacation beginning, Bridget’s shopping bags were full of new tank tops, shorts, a jean skirt, and two sets of flip-flops. The only thing missing was a new bathing suit.

The bikini she’d worn last year had sprung an underwire, and the tankini from the year before was too small for her chest, so she’d given it to Lisa. Snipping the tags off a brand-new bikini was akin to the ribbon cutting of a store or breaking ground on a building site. The Grand Opening of Summer.

Bridget was determined to find one. She flew in and out of stores.

“We should get going, Bridge, if we want to make it before dinner,” her mother said with a sigh from a few steps behind. She wiped some perspiration from her top lip with a napkin from the food court. “Your father and Lisa are already back at the car, probably dying of heat. You can get a suit on the boardwalk tomorrow.”

Bridget knew better. The boardwalk shops only stocked two kinds of bathing suits: fluorescent triangles that belonged in
Playboy
or frumpy flowered one-pieces for grandmas.

It was now or never.

The Crestmont Outlet Mall had opened a few new stores since she’d last been there, and Bridget came to a stop in front of one she recognized. It was a surf shop, complete with long-boards that doubled as the cash stand, beaded curtains on the dressing room doors, and twangy songs vibrating through the glass window. The same store was in the mall back home, only the clothes there were full price.

As soon as she walked in, she spotted a sherbet-y orange gingham bikini with a white eyelet lace ruffle. It was the last one, it was her size, and it was marked an additional 50 percent off. She ran into the dressing room while Mrs. Honeycutt reminded her daughter to leave her underwear on, lest she catch an STD.

Bridget frowned as she pulled the bottoms up. They were surprisingly tight. The elastic cut into her legs. Maybe it was her underwear? She took them off and tried the bottom on again, but the fit wasn’t any better. Her belly rolled a soft, fleshy wave that crashed over the ties at her hip. The top was similarly ill-fitting. The shoulder straps dug into her skin, and when she managed to test the limits of elasticity on the chest strap, poof! Back fat!

Bridget had never considered herself overweight before seeing the fabric stretched across her. But the reflection in the dressing room mirror startled her. She panicked, remembering her friend’s End of School pool party last week, how she’d walked around the whole day in her old bikini without even a T-shirt on, in front of boys and girls, completely clueless as to how awful she’d looked.

She checked the size tag, expecting an error. But it was no mistake. The bikini was the same size as the other new clothes she’d bought. Her size.

This is an outlet mall.

That’s why the clothes are cheap.

Because they’re irregular.

Imperfect.

Defective.

Even though Bridget knew this, she couldn’t quite hold on to the idea. It was slippery, sliding right out of her as she rushed
back into her clothes. She clipped the suit back onto its hanger. Sadly, it was still a cute bikini. So very cute. Or it would be, if she were maybe five or so pounds lighter.

Bridget smoothed her hair as she stepped out of the dressing room. Mrs. Honeycutt stood by the register impatiently, her credit card already out, chatting with the salesgirl. The waist of Mrs. Honeycutt’s navy linen pants swelled underneath her sleeveless white shell, the skin on her bare arms taut and overstuffed and about to split, like hot dogs left too long on the grill. Her mother never wore shorts. Her mother never swam in the ocean. She stayed in the air-conditioning in those wide-legged pants.

All of her aunts said that Bridget looked exactly like her mother had as a teenager. Staring at her, Bridget realized she had no memories of her mother being thin.

Bridget placed the bikini on the counter, careful not to look at it or anyone else while her mother paid.

As she walked back to the car, Bridget rationalized her decision. Everyone did it. Bought clothes that fit a little too tight, with the hope they would be inspiration to lose a few pounds. It would be a reward for good behavior. The bikini became a test. A test Bridget hoped to pass by the end of the summer.

And just like that, a new part of her mind lit up as she became acutely aware of all her bad habits. It dinged like a warning alarm when Lisa tore open a bag of Old Bay potato chips for movie night, or when Bridget got too close to the dish of salt water taffy her mom kept filled on the kitchen counter. Bridget’s brain continued to evolve over the months, rewiring her cravings for boardwalk soft serve with the challenge to run another mile to the next pier, brainstorming excuses to skip out on Dad’s amazing tuna fish sandwiches, until it commented
not only on everything she put inside herself, but every piece of food she even thought about eating. It wiped away any memory she ever had of being pretty, and made it a goal, something she might be lucky enough to accomplish one day if she worked hard enough.

By the Fourth of July, she’d aced the test. With flying colors.

But even after she’d fit into that beautiful bikini, Bridget hardly wore it. Instead, she practically lived in her jeans. At the end of summer, they were so loose that when Bridget pulled the waistband flush against her hip, there was enough room to fit her whole fist on the other side.

The return trip to Crestmont Outlets at the end of summer provided her with a new wardrobe at a low, low size. But deep down Bridget knew this wasn’t a good thing. At least that part of herself was still working. She wasn’t totally gone.

Bridget’s stomach rumbles.

As she climbs out of her car, she tugs on the hem of her tan cable-knit sweater, attempting to bridge the gap of skin between it and the waist of her jeans. The skinny space in her waistband four weeks ago has shrunk. Or rather, Bridget has expanded. She can only fit a few fingers now. Not her whole fist, like before.

You weren’t healthy before.

You had a problem, but now you’ve got it under control.

On her way inside the school, her dark hair whips in her face, the sweet scent of coconut shampoo blowing across her with the breeze. It is too sweet, too rich. Her stomach twists on itself. Change jingles in her pocket. Enough for a bagel with cream cheese. She’d counted it out after passing on the bowl of cereal Lisa had poured for her. She shouldn’t have said no to
the cereal. Especially when she’d only picked at last night’s dinner.

Prove that you’re fine, Bridget.

Eat a bagel with cream cheese.

Eat it all before homeroom!

Every Monday, student council sets up a huge banquet table practically in front of Bridget’s locker. There are huge paper bags filled with bagels, economy-size tubs of cream cheese and butter. Bridget takes careful steps matched with careful breaths. The smell is overwhelming. The yeasty, spongy sourdough. Charred bits of garlic. The sweet stink of bloated raisins suspended in bread. Her stomach squeezes, only not in hunger.

Don’t you dare, Bridget.

Bridget is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Two sides of herself, always arguing. She is tired of the fight, the constant struggle between a muddied version of good and evil, where right feels wrong and wrong feels really good.

“Bridget!”

One of Bridget’s friends steps out from behind the bagel table, fingertips glistening with buttery residue. “Have you seen the list?” The girl smiles wide, a few poppy seeds black between her teeth. “You’re the prettiest girl in the junior class!”

In spite of herself, Bridget gasps. All the bagel smells fill her up like helium inside a Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. And in a flash, the guilt, the sadness, and the depression she’d felt the whole way to school vanish and are replaced by warmth.

Bridget Honeycutt made the list?

Impossible.

Someone else hands her a copy. Bridget reads aloud, “What a difference a summer can make.” She looks up and blushes.

You know why.

You know what’s different.

“Here!” her friend says. “Have a celebratory bagel on the house!” The girl takes a serrated knife and slices a bagel in half. Seeds and crumbs sputter off the blade and drop to the floor. When the table is packed up and put away, there will still be crumbs everywhere in the hallway. Bridget will feel them squish and pop underneath the soles of her shoes on the way to first period. Big, like gravel. Like boulders.