The Little Old Lady Who Broke All the Rules (5 page)

A light snowfall had just begun when Martha and her friends from Diamond House stepped out of their taxis outside the Grand Hotel in the very centre of Stockholm. As they did so, Martha realized that perhaps they didn’t really blend into the crowd. Brains was wearing his red cap and, thanks to him, they all had bright reflector arms sticking out from their walkers. ‘I don’t want you to get hurt while we are in such a big city,’ Brains had said. His walker looked rather chunky. The steel tubing on the sides looked wider than Martha’s. She must remember to ask him what he had done.

‘People who go to the Grand Hotel usually give a tip,’ one of the taxi drivers informed them.

‘My good man,’ Martha interrupted him, ‘we’re not
going to the Grand Hotel; we’re going to the island ferries from the quay here.’

‘Why are you lying?’ Anna-Greta whispered.

‘You must realize that every proper criminal leaves a false trail,’ Martha whispered back.

‘Soon you’ll get the biggest tip imaginable,’ Rake chipped in, and was immediately poked in the ribs by Brains.

‘Shush! Be a bit more discreet.’

‘Listen to you in that cap! You could at least turn the lights off.’

Brains quickly pressed the peak and the LED lights went out. Martha folded the reflector arm back into the walker and made a sign to Brains to do the same. Better to be on the safe side. Witnesses always noticed odd details.

‘And now the great adventure starts,’ said Martha when the taxi drivers had got their tips and driven off. She looked up at the Grand Hotel and nodded at Brains. What they had at first just talked about as a joke was in the process of becoming reality, even though it had been quite an effort to get there. It had taken them several weeks to persuade the others, and deep down Martha was afraid that one of them might bail out of the adventure. She so very much wanted to enjoy life
before
they ended up behind bars. She had had nightmares about one of the others dropping out at the last minute, or, even worse, giving them away before they had even managed to stage the first raid by the League of Pensioners.

It had been Christina’s idea to have a group name and they all thought that
the League of Pensioners
fit their purpose perfectly. It sounded like an important and mysterious code name too.
Outlaw Oldies
, which Martha had proposed, had
been voted out because the others thought it sounded far too criminal.

Thanks to Nurse Barbara, the step from helpless geriatric to prospective criminal had been quicker than expected. Martha had gone to the hardware store to buy some parts for Brains, but his handwriting was so bad that neither she nor the shop assistant could read what he had written.

‘We’ll have to phone your good friend,’ said the assistant, and, without thinking, Martha gave him Brains’s number. When she realized that all private conversations went through the Diamond House main line, it was too late.

‘There is an elderly lady here with a walker who wants to buy something, but I don’t know what it is,’ the assistant explained to the woman on the other end of the line. In vain Martha had tried to put a stop to the conversation but Nurse Barbara had already understood that somebody from the home had sneaked out without her permission. A week later the locks on the front door of Diamond House were changed and Martha cried against Brains’s shoulder and said that now everything was lost.

‘But Martha dear, don’t be sad. Our new life as criminals is about to start at last. We must get out of here before they put a new lock on the cellar door.’

And then he sat down in front of his computer.

‘We were going to find out where the rich people are. Well, this is it!’ He smiled as he opened the home page of the Grand Hotel in Stockholm. ‘Now we’ll book some rooms for ourselves.’

‘The Grand Hotel?’ Martha swallowed. From a little country farmhouse outside Brantevik, via a two-room flat in the
southern part of Stockholm to … the swankiest of swanky hotels? Her parents had always said that you should be satisfied with what you have. But this was to be her next stage in life, so ignoring her nervousness, she took the plunge. ‘Yes, of course. The Grand Hotel, the obvious choice.’

‘We can order the celebration special—flowers, champagne and fruit so that everybody will be in a good mood.’

‘And fresh strawberries?’

‘But of course,’ Brains went on enthusiastically, but then suddenly came to a halt. ‘What if Christina and Anna-Greta have too good a time at the hotel? They might not want to go to prison afterwards …’

‘That’s a risk we must take,’ said Martha. ‘But in the long run it can become boring to live amidst too much luxury, or so I’ve heard.’

Brains scrolled down the screen and after a while he had booked the most expensive hotel suites for them and ordered five celebration specials. Martha felt a pleasant thrill run through her body.

‘We’ve got exactly forty-eight hours to do this,’ said Brains as he turned off the computer. ‘On Monday the locksmith will be coming, and by then we must be out of here.’

On the Sunday evening, the five of them sneaked out of the retirement home with their walking sticks and walkers. It was early March and there were still grey skies and snow in the air, but that didn’t bother them. Now a new phase in their lives awaited them.
The adventure era
. Martha closed the cellar door and locked it after them. Then she
pinched her lips together and brandished her clenched fist at Diamond House.

‘Rogues! That’s what you are! You went too far when you took away our Christmas tree decorations! Do you hear me?’

‘What did you say?’ Anna-Greta asked, being rather hard of hearing.

‘What scrimping makes, the devil takes.’

‘Oh, I see, him,’ said Anna-Greta.

Half an hour later they were at the Grand Hotel. When they had paid their taxi drivers and were approaching the hotel entrance, Martha stopped. Devoutly she looked up at the traditional old hotel.

‘What an exquisite building,’ she exclaimed. ‘Pity they don’t build them like this any more.’

‘You’d have to blame the architecture schools,’ said Rake. ‘I can’t understand why they have to study for years if they’re only going to design square blocks. I could manage that when I was four years old. And mine looked nicer too.’

‘Perhaps you ought to have been an architect then?’

‘Welcome to the Grand Hotel!’ a handsome porter interrupted them and bowed.

‘Thank you very much,’ Martha answered and tried to look as if she was a woman of the world. But however much she smiled, her voice gave away a certain lack of confidence. Being on the run
and
turning criminal at the same time was rather stressful at her age.

The walkers rolled nicely and smoothly on the wall-to-wall carpet all the way to the reception desk. Martha looked with delight at the deep blue edging with the beautiful gold crowns. She thought of all the royalty that must have stayed here. A glance at the edge of the carpet and they would have seen their own crowns several times over.

It took a while to check in because the staff discreetly did a check on their bank card. Luckily, Anna-Greta was well-off and there was enough in her savings account to cover them all, but nevertheless, they all felt nervous. The others had little more than their pensions and none of them had experience being in such grand surroundings. Finally, the reception staff confirmed their bookings and they were welcomed with smiles to the hotel.

‘We have to take the second door to the left after the stairs,’ said Brains, taking the lead. ‘You girls can have the Princess Lilian suite, where the big stars usually get to stay, and me and Rake can take two of the luxury suites.’

‘Heavens above, that will be far too expensive,’ said Anna-Greta, always the careful bookkeeper.

‘But, my dear, have you completely forgotten? We do not intend to pay,’ Martha whispered.

In good cheer they walked along the corridor leaning on their walkers. After all that training in the gym they had good balance and didn’t really need them, but they knew that their walking aids could come in very useful all the same. Martha smiled. Who would suspect an old lady with a walker of any criminal activity? And the basket at the front was good for keeping loot in too.

They continued slowly down the corridor until they saw a door on the left.

‘Here it is,’ said Brains self-confidently. He opened the door and entered, with the others close behind him. His eyes were like saucers. ‘Not much here that reminds me of Sundbyberg, I’ll say that.’

‘Heavens above, what a sight! The whole room is shining as if it was gold,’ said Christina.

‘And what lovely red upholstered chairs. Is this how rich people really live?’ wondered Brains.

‘But …’ muttered Rake. ‘Doesn’t it smell rather too much of perfume?’

‘I hardly dare go in. Have you seen the mirrors and the beautiful washbasins? Is this the Princess Lilian suite?’ Anna-Greta asked.

‘I don’t know,’ muttered Brains. ‘Perhaps rather too many mirrors for that …’

‘Eight mirrors in the same room,’ said Martha. ‘And just look at those fancy chandeliers on the ceiling, and all the marble and lamps over the washbasins.’

‘But where are the beds?’ wondered Christina, who was feeling tired and wanted to rest a while.

‘The beds?’ Brains looked around him. At that very same moment they all heard a very familiar sound.

‘Well, I’ll be damned … the bathroom?’ Rake smirked. ‘I was wondering why there were eight washbasins.’

Amidst a great deal of laughter they left the ladies’ room and made their way to the elevators. Brains put his plastic card into the reader and pressed the button for the eighth floor.

‘My apologies. I didn’t have my wits about me. The Princess Lilian suite is on the top floor.’

While they were going up in the elevator, Martha was deep in thought. Mixing up a luxury suite and a ladies’ room was not a good omen. And if they were going to get all confused while they were sober, what would happen after a drink or two at the bar?

‘So what do we do now?’ wondered Christina after she had done several laps of the luxury suite and been overwhelmed by the choices available to her. She had mostly been fascinated by the televisions everywhere—all of which she had turned on. ‘It’s hard to know which TV to look at, and then there are so many other things to do here too.’

She looked about her, taking in the opulent rooms. Should they make themselves at home in the library, play the grand piano, watch a movie in the private cinema or just sink into the closest enormous armchair? That big bathtub with the lovely mosaic and the sauna were also very tempting. The housekeeper had told them that they could have green lighting and jungle music in there, or blue lights if they preferred. Or perhaps she should just lie down and have a rest in the large double bed, which came complete with an amazing view of the royal palace across the water.

‘You can look at the stars if you’d like. There’s a telescope
in the suite,’ said Brains. ‘Or why not point the telescope at the palace? I’m sure the King will be doing something exciting.’

‘But he doesn’t even live there!’ Martha pointed out.

‘Never mind telescopes and TVs, is there a loo in here somewhere?’ Rake wondered, looking about him.

‘One on your right, one in the bathroom and two more a bit further away,’ Christina informed him.

‘Stop, one john is sufficient, I can hardly use four at once!’

‘There are four showers too. You could use all four of those,’ joked Martha.

After they had all unpacked, everyone settled in the armchairs with a glass of champagne for a first run-through of their plans.

‘Planning is important,’ said Brains. ‘We must map the entire hotel. When we discover where the richest ones hang out, then we pounce.’

‘I’ve worked it out already. There are forty-two luxury suites and many of the guests use the spa facilities and the pool,’ said Anna-Greta. ‘They are bound to put their watches and bracelets in the lockers there.’

‘Brilliant! We shall steal their valuables. Simple. And then we shall hide the loot so that we can use the money when we get out of prison,’ said Martha.

‘Sounds like you’ve been reading too many crime novels,’ Rake muttered.

‘Oh no. All major criminals sit out their prison terms and then use the money when they get out. Like the British train robbers, for example.’

‘Then we’ll follow their example,’ Anna-Greta decided. Her eyes shone with excitement.

‘Now listen, let’s go down to the spa and have a look around. At the same time, we can do some water gymnastics in the pool,’ Martha suggested.

‘No, no, we didn’t come here for exercise—’ Rake exclaimed, but managed to stop himself just before adding, ‘you fitness fiend.’

‘But if we do steal lots of stuff, where shall we hide it all?’ Christina wanted to know.

‘We’ll think of something,’ said Martha, blushing violently because she hadn’t thought of that.

‘Now listen to me. We must commit the robbery before the authorities find us. Why not do it tomorrow or the day after?’ suggested Brains. ‘And then we can stay on here a while.’

‘Stay on at the scene of the crime, God help us!’ said Martha, who had never read of such a thing in any detective story. ‘The scene of the crime is where you return to, not where you take up residence!’

‘That is precisely why the police won’t look for us here in the first place,’ said Brains with a flourish. ‘Come on, let’s get changed and meet at the spa later.’

When the men had gone, Christina browsed the hotel’s leaflets while she filed her nails slowly and with considerable care.

‘I think we ought to get a beauty treatment down in the spa,’ she said, pointing with her nail file.

‘Spa and beauty treatment?’ Martha gave her friend a weary look. Christina was always reading about ways to keep yourself looking young. When she was fifty-five she had had a facelift, but that was something she forbade the others to refer to. She wanted everybody to think that she was naturally
attractive and that her beauty shone from within. She hadn’t even mentioned the fact that she had had her teeth whitened. Perhaps it was her upbringing. Her parents had forbidden her to use make-up, and throughout her childhood she had been told it was sinful, and that you should accept your natural appearance because that which God had created was a gift. So as a teenager she had been forced to do her make-up clandestinely. Now she was equally secretive about her cosmetic operations.

‘Now listen to this,’ Christina went on. ‘There are spa treatments that can dissolve emotional and physical blocks and give your body a pleasant sense of calmness. And in addition we can have an eye mask which reduces all signs of tiredness and age.’

‘I don’t think I’d look any younger even if I wore a mask over my whole face,’ said Martha.

‘It is beneficial to massage the important marma points in your eye area. This signals to the nervous system that the musculature should retain its vigour,’ Christina went on, clearly fascinated by the hotel’s brochure.

‘Marma? What is that?’ asked Martha.

‘No, this is better,’ said Anna-Greta, who had now found the hotel’s spa and fitness brochure. ‘We can have a sixty-minute facial acupuncture treatment. The needles stimulate production of collagen and strengthen your body’s connective tissues.’

‘Just what I’ve longed for,’ said Martha, rolling her eyes.

‘The treatment leaves your skin firm and soft,’ Anna-Greta went on.

‘Firm and soft. That was how men used to describe my breasts,’ said Christina in a different tone of voice. ‘Unfortunately,
the same can’t really be said about them now.’

‘Listen to me. We are on a stealing spree, nothing else,’ Martha said authoritatively and picked up all the brochures.
‘Never
forget the reason we are here.’

The ladies nodded, changed into their bathing costumes and put on the hotel’s white bathrobes. On their way to the door, Martha paused.

‘When we get down there, have a good look around for safes where guests can store valuables.’

‘Are we really going to commit a proper crime?’ Christina suddenly exclaimed.

‘Shush! No, no, just a little adventure,’ said Martha, entering the elevator and giving her a calming pat on the shoulder. Then she felt a gnawing worry deep inside. Would Christina ruin the whole thing?