The Lonely (25 page)

I
can barely get my eyes open, "Booooo. Stop being cheerful and
humming."

She
sits on my bed and bounces it. I grumble and pull the covers up.

"Did
you make the crawl of shame?"

I
open one eye and smirk, "What?"

She
pulls back the covers and plucks my t-shirt, "What is this?"

I
swallow and stretch and moan a little, "My…" I clear my throat,
"Uhm. T-shirt."

I
make duck lips and watch her. She arches her eyebrow and shakes her head,
pointing at my shirt and waggling her finger. "Nuh uh. No. I know all your
dirty skeezy little orphan clothes and this shit isn’t yours." She bats
her eyelashes blankly, "Spill bitch."

I
roll on my side and try to imagine the words I would use to describe it. There
are none.

"Fine.
Keep your secrets. Just say it was Sebastian. I want details eventually, I kind
of have an idea how it goes anyway." She closes her eyes and grinds her
hips on my bed, "Oh. Yeah I got some visuals for that one."

I
shove her and laugh, "Dirty. No. I was with Eli."

Her
green eyes pop open, "No. What have you done? Did you wreck it with
Sebastian?"

I
shake my head, "I don’t know. Maybe. I'm seeing him again tonight."

"Sweet
Jesus. Somebody lost her V-Card and went wild with it." She looks around,
"Where is your phone?"

"Why?"

She
grins, "Cause Catholic girls gone wild is gonna be calling."

I
laugh, "I left it there. I told him. I don’t want anything from him. I was
going to go to financial aid today and apply for a loan for summer
semester."

Her
perfectly manicured dark eyebrows knit, "Huh? You humped him and wore his
shit home, but he can't pay for your schooling anymore?"

I
cover my eyes and moan, "Noooooo. Don't say humped. So nasty." Who am
I to call anything sexual, nasty? I open my eyes and bite my lip.

"Dude,
did you take those pills I gave you?"

I
nod.

"Good.
You don't want to be having sex without protection. You don't know where Eli
has been."

My
heart burns when I think about his room. He has that for a reason. He uses it
on other girls. I gag a little.

"For
reals Sarah, are you done with Eli or not?"

I
shake my head again, "I don’t know. Yes. No. I don’t know. I just want to
sleep longer and then go to financial aid. I have a paper due next week and I
haven’t even started. I'm meeting Sebastian tonight. I know that much."

Her
eyes twinkle, "Wanna take this new found awesome-sauce you have and try
going to a bar again?"

I'm
about to shove her right off the bed and say no, but I don’t. I stop and think.
I nod once.

She
squeals and butt hops on my bed.

"We
can double. I'll ask Vince to come."

"Who?"

Her
eyes widen in delight, "Rebound boy. I love me some rebound boy."

"What
about Stuart?" I think about what he said earlier. I like Stuart. I feel
loyal to him.

"What
about Sebastian?" She mocks me.

"Dick."

She
sticks her tongue out and leaves for class. I stare up at the stark white of
the ceiling. The images I never saw because of the blindfold, but can imagine,
flood the empty space in my mind. His hands holding me and the silver flash of
metal spanking me. I squeeze my thighs together and sigh. I need closure. I
need to not want him.

I
get up and pull on my own yoga pants that Shell said I needed and a lime green
hoodie. I slip on my Uggs and my white down coat. I turn the lock and walk out
of the room. I'm partway down the stairs when I think I see him. I stop and
watch a man in a pea coat and dress pants talking to someone. It's him. His
dark hair is in the faux hawk. He's pointing with a leather glove at my
building and shaking his head. I grimace and watch him. His blue eyes look
intense and angry. It makes my stomach twinge.

I
creep to the door and push it softly. I pull my hood up and walk to the path to
the left, instead of toward the sidewalk where he is.

I
hear him speaking to the man like he is lesser, "I don’t care what the
problem is with it, it's how I want it. Change the policy." The arrogance
in his voice makes me shudder.

I
hustle along the sidewalks through the paths made by other people's footsteps.
The wind is cold and bitter.

I
climb the steps of the building and walk to the financial aid office. I walk in
and smile at the secretary. She is older with brown hair and a mom look. She
isn’t trendy like Doctor Bradley. She's just a mom. Cuddly and soft.

"Hi
sweetie." She says. I like her instantly.

I
have a seat and smile, "Hi."

"Can
I help you?"

I
nod, "I hope so. Here's my student ID. I need to discuss a student loan
for next semester and beyond that."

She
smiles, "Grants and scholarships running out?"

I
cross my arms, "Something like that."

She
takes the card and pulls on glasses, "Let's see what we have here."
She puts my number in. She frowns, "Honey, you have paid your tuition up
to the end of your degree. There is a note on the account that if you choose to
stay on for your masters or doctorate, we are to contact your guardian, a Mr.
Elijah Adams." She squints, "Does that sound right?"

I
sigh, "Something like that."

She
hands me back the ID. She looks bug eyed with the glasses on. I take it back
and stand up, defeated. "Thanks."

I'm
sure she thinks I'm nuts. I walk back out into the cold and look in the
direction of my building.

I
don’t have anything without him. I need a job. I walk to my dorm. I sneak past
the sidewalk where he isn't anymore.

I
climb the stairs and wonder what to do. I'm foggy from plotting and
disappointment, when I open the door and miss the man on my bed. I close the
door and stop when I see the shoes. They're the ones that kicked me in the
parking lot. I press my back against the door and let my eyes travel his pants
slowly.

He
looks beautiful and moody. I like it when he's moody. No matter how hard I
fight it, I do.

He
cocks his eyebrow and holds my phone up, "You forgot something last
night."

"Why
did you pay for all my tuition for the next four years?"

He
ignores me, "Stop being a pain in the ass. Do you know how hard it is to
track you without the cell phone? Stuart and I literally have to follow you
everywhere you go. It's annoying. Luckily, I had a meeting here today so I
could return it."

"I
don’t want anymore help from you. I don’t want money or stuff or Stuart driving
my ass around."

He
stands up and fixes his coat. He walks to the door and bends to kiss my cheek,
"Are you angry?" he asks in a soft voice. His words brush against my
skin, making me shiver.

I
nod.

"Good."
He takes my hand and opens the door to the dorm, "I have something I want
to show you and I sort of need you angry for it." He pulls me from the
dorm. My stomach flutters with excitement.

I
let him drag me but I mutter, "I want those damned shoes burned."

He
laughs, "Deal."

"I
still can't believe you kicked me."

"I
didn’t want to. I needed you to believe."

I
glance at him as we leave the dorms, "Keep telling yourself that."

He
grins his cocky, shitty grin, "Keep telling yourself the paddle doesn’t turn
you on."

I
snort and hate that he knows so much about me. My cheeks are on fire just
hearing the word paddle.

His
hand doesn’t leave mine, not even in the SUV. Stuart pulls up to the curb of a
dodgy-looking building. His eyes meet mine and I sense worry coming off of him.
We climb out. I notice Stuart doesn’t get out and open the door for Eli. Eli's
grip on my hand tightens. I'm feeling a disturbing fear. He wants me angry. He
wants to show me something. I have no idea what it could be. I see a bulky guy
walking up to the door. He beams when he sees Eli.

"Adams,
yo. You're back." They slap hands like they grew up in the same hood. I'm
officially freaking out. The guy eyes me up. He nods at me.

Eli
points to me, "This is Sarah Mastermen."

I've
never heard of that girl, except in the article. It feels weird to be her.

"Sarah,
this is Angelo. He's a lightweight champ."

I
eye him up and down. He's a beast. He doesn't look like a lightweight.

Angelo
grins, "I can strip weight off like a mutha."

I
nod and smile like my Spanish teacher always told me to do when I was lost.

Angelo
gets the door for us, like he wants to open the door for Eli.

They
both watch me, waiting for me to go in. I nervously walk into the room.

It's
grey. Grey walls, grey floors, grey air. It feels warm and heavy.

I
clutch my coat. Then I hear it. Grunts and slaps. I gulp.

His
hand on the small of my back is warm and relaxing. He guides me through to a
room with benches. Angelo watches me, grinning and shaking his head. He starts
taping up his hands and stripping clothes off.

Eli
is doing the same. Seeing him down to a tight white undershirt is a delightful
distraction from the feeling I might pee my pants any second. I can see his
tats through it. He is sexy. Angelo is even more so. His abs are sculpted and
ridged. I feel the blush on my cheeks and look down at the floor. Angelo leaves
the room and winks at me, "See you out there Tinkerbell. Unless you
chicken out. I understand if you’re too scared to do this."

I
scowl as my head whips around to watch him leave. I can feel my mind accepting
his challenge before the common sense part of my brain can disagree.

I
look back at Eli, "Tinkerbell?"

He
smiles, "You do kind of look like her. Big blue eyes and light-yellow,
blonde hair. I can see it." He hands me a bag and nods to the corner,
"Go put this on."

I
snatch the bag and stalk off. I fling the change room door open and sit on the
bench inside of the small closet-like room. I look at myself in the mirror. I only
see me. I almost wish for a second I could see her still. I strip my clothes
off and pull on the things in the bag. Everything fits perfectly, including the
runners.

I
jump when he bangs on the door, "Let's go Tink."

I
laugh and shake my head, "Fuck you Eli."

The
change room is silent. I fling the door open, stuffing my things in the bag.
His face is red and his square jaw is tight.

"Do
I ever speak to you that way?"

"Let's
not discuss the things you do to me."

He
laughs bitterly.

I
shoulder past him and walk through the doors Angelo went through. I'm in a long
hallway. I hear the door swing again when he walks through it. He shoulders me
back and turns, "In this place, you get what you give."

I
grin, "Well then, let's play. I have some serious shit I'd love to give
back to you."

He
licks his lips and fights a grin. The dimple distracts me for a second.

He
nods and walks through another door at the end of the hall. The noise blasts
into the hallway from the door. I slow down and feel my stomach gnawing at me.
I push through and gulp. It's several rings, wrestling or boxing rings. There
is music playing somewhere from a shitty sound system and guys grunting
everywhere. I see a girl with man muscles. I grimace.

"Don’t
look so horrified. She is a pro female boxer."

I
lean into him, "Heavy weight?"

He
laughs and shoves me along. His fingers bite into my skin. I pull away. He
looks at me and the red marks on my arm. "Sorry. I get pretty hyped in
here."

My
arms wrap around me. It's involuntary.

I've
boxed in gym class. I actually liked it. It was fun to hit things. People. I
haven’t done it in years though and never with guys like this. Eli, who has to
be six two and two-twenty, is not a big guy here. He's not even average. He's
lean. People wave to him and pound his knuckles. Everyone knows him. The old
guys who look like bikers and the young guys who look like UFC champs.

He
strolls over to the far corner where an older man is talking to some younger
guys. They're skinny and more my size. I realize they're more like twelve, as
we get closer. I sigh. He's going to make me take self-defense classes with
little boys? I wonder if maybe they're Catholic too, and chuckle in my head at
my joke.

I
stop chuckling, reminding myself how sane people don’t laugh at their own jokes
inside of their head. They tell them aloud and laugh. I look at the crowd and
instantly my filter shuts that one down.