The Lost Art of Listening (46 page)

Marcia, who didn’t really have any reasons and was now too mad at

this latest incident of her son’s “rudeness,” could only sputter, “Because I

don’t want you to, that’s why.”

“Mom! What the hell—you’re so unreasonable!”

“Leave me alone. I’m tired,” Marcia said, her cheeks blotched with

color. “Because I don’t want you springing things on me at the last minute.

That’s all.”

“Why can’t I see my friends!” Jonathan moaned. “I don’t want to be

here!”

Notice how this argument is driven by “totalizing views”—mother

and son reducing each other to one set of frustrating responses. Jonathan

wasn’t mad just because his mother wouldn’t let him sleep over at his

friend’s house. He was mad because his mother
Never Lets Him Do Any-

thing
. His mother is
Totally Unfair
. Aren’t all parents?

Likewise, Marcia wasn’t upset just because Jonathan wanted to sleep

over at his friend’s house. She was angry because her son is
Rude
. He’s
Self-

ish
,
Demanding
,
Disrespectful
. Aren’t all teenagers?

Parents reduce their children to stereotypes when they focus only

on the things that disappoint them. The child who doesn’t do what you

want is, by definition, stubborn, right? Parents who see their teenagers as

“stubborn” and “irresponsible,” as though that were the sum total of their

being, are likely to be seen in turn as “unfair” and “demanding.” When

this happens, both sides collect grievances, saving them up like coupons.

For what?

276
LISTENING IN CONTEXT

Is the common parental view of teenagers as “lazy” a complete distor-

tion? No, a lot of teenagers are lazy around the house. That’s because home

is the natural arena for expressing the dependent, childish part of them-

selves. The teenager’s more independent and considerate side is usually on

view only away from home, often unseen by his parents.

What’s the Matter with That Kid?

When teenagers seem to be acting unreasonably, it may help to consider

what view of their parents would make those actions seem reasonable.

Find a time when you’re both relaxed and ask the teenager, “Do you

see me as . . . ?” If the teenager is brave enough to give you an honest

answer, try saying: “I’m sorry. Maybe I need to work on that.”

We’ve seen how adolescent rebelliousness is related to parental con-

trol and how control-and-rebel cycles are driven by the tendency of both

generations to view each other in oppositional stereotypes. Thus, we’ve

gone from blaming conflicts with teenagers on their rebelliousness to see-

ing these struggles as part of an interpersonal pattern, first in behavioral

terms and then, adding a cognitive dimension, by recognizing that people’s

actions are based on their perceptions.

“Dad, please, can’t I borrow the car? I promise to be home by 10:30.”

His father was just about to say no when he paused for a moment,

remembering what it was like to be a teenage boy needing a car on a Sat-

urday night. And, with a greater empathic grasp of what it was like to be

a teenage boy, he cried out, “Oh, my God!” and handcuffed his son to the

bedpost.

Breaking out of the fixed narratives that fuel antagonism is difficult

but not impossible. The way to break the grip of totalizing views is to ask

yourself how does the other person prefer to think of himself or herself?

How does he or she prefer to be seen? Once you start thinking this way,

you begin to see other people’s actions in a more reasonable light.

A Certain Amount of Control

You don’t eliminate conflicts with adolescents just by listening to their

point of view. You only win by being willing to lose a little. Or to put it

Listening to Children and Teenagers
277

another way, only by giving up on the idea of complete control can par-

ents retain a certain amount of control over their teenagers. And, with

teenagers,
a certain amount of control
is all you can hope for.

Those things that parents absolutely don’t want their kids doing—

smoking, drinking, having sex, cutting school, hanging around with bad

company—most teenagers are going to experiment with no matter what

their parents say. Actually, it’s a little more complicated than that.

The adolescent’s parents are already a part of him or her, in the form

of a developing conscience. It is this inner voice that now begins to exert

the most powerful influence on an adolescent’s decisions—but not if par-

ents are controlling or punitive. Teenagers think about what’s right or

wrong only when they don’t have somebody standing over them telling

them what to do.

Striking a Balance Between Autonomy and Connection

For all their opposition to their parents and breathless enthusiasm for the

adventures of adulthood, teenagers still need their families.

Adolescents need their parents to listen to their troubles, their hopes

and ambitions, even some of their far- fetched plans. The more tolerant

parents are, the more they remain open to hearing their children, the more

possible it is to preserve connection.

“I’m thinking about not going to college.”

(After counting to ten, in Roman numerals) “That’s interesting. What

are you thinking about doing?”

In realizing that they can disagree and argue with their parents,

adolescents come to differentiate between conventional views of family

life—as nonconflicted—and a more realistic view, namely, that conflict

and confrontation, and working through differences, are part of a healthy

relationship.

Teenage boys still expect to be supported and understood by their

parents, but perhaps more than anything else they want the freedom to be

independent. Teenage girls, on the other hand, often have more complex

and ambivalent relationships, especially with their mothers. As a mem-

ber of Carol Gilligan’s study of the relational world of adolescent girls,

278
LISTENING IN CONTEXT

Sharon Rich found that mothers’ dependence on their daughters troubles

the daughters and makes it harder for mothers to accept daughters’ inde-

pendence. Daughters want mothers to be there for them, but also to trust

them, accept their independence, and honor their choices. Over and over,

girls reported being unhappy with mothers they described as poor listen-

ers.

“These girls depict themselves as receiving two messages when they

feel their mothers are not listening: Their mothers do not care and are not

‘there’ for them; and their own opinions are not important.”

As one girl in the study reflected: “I sort of feel that I don’t want her

to know too much about me. I mean not that I’m trying to keep everything

a secret, but just that I want to be more myself and less her trying to mold

me. And so there are lots of things I don’t tell her because I just know what

she would say . . . and I don’t feel like hearing it.”7

Adolescents who don’t feel listened to flare up in angry resentment,

and later retreat into silence and secrecy as the best way they know to

protect their vulnerable, distinct voices and themselves. In attempting to

protect themselves from feeling “terrible,” teenagers may cut off the pri-

mary means for improving the relationship: communication.

Unheard adolescents who flee their families are seldom really free.

Protective distance affords them the illusion of being grown up, but it’s

only an illusion.

* * *

with them but because they’ve gotten stuck. Families resist change

even more than individuals because the structure that holds them

together is supported by the actions of every single family member. That’s

why systems are stubborn. What we mustn’t forget, though, is that even

though families act like systems, it’s still individual persons who do the

acting—and they, as you may have noticed, can sometimes be pretty cou-

rageous.

7Sharon Rich, “Daughters’ Views of Their Relationships with Their Mothers,” in Carol

Gilligan, Nona Lyons, and Trudy Hanmer, eds.,
Making Connections: The Relational World of

Adolescent Girls at Emma Willard School
(Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1990),

p. 268.

Listening to Children and Teenagers
279

Exercises

1.
Get a notebook and for one week write down every time you make a

critical comment to your child. That’s all. Just notice. If you have more

than one child, keep a separate tally for each. Make sure you count

comments that start out positive but end up negative. “I appreciate

your doing the dishes, but I wish you’d remember to rinse off the soap

next time.”

Notice what effect changing from positive to negative comments has

on the communication between you and your child. Does he or she talk

to you more when you make positive comments? Listen to you more?

2.
Pick out one thing that your child fails to do consistently despite fre-

quent reminders. Find a time when you’re both relaxed to talk with the

child and say that you bet he or she has a good reason for not doing

that something—maybe the child doesn’t think it’s fair for him or her

to have to—and that you’d like to hear how the child feels about it. If

you’re lucky enough to have your child open up, just listen. Don’t end

the conversation by laying down the law.

3.
What were the two worst things that happened to you when you were

a teenager? Did you tell your parents? Why did you or didn’t you tell

them? What were the consequences?

4.
Think of a conflict a parent might have with a teenager. Write down

something a parent might say that fits into each of the following cat-

egories:

Criticism

Accusing

Lecturing

Orders

Threats

Lecturing

Comparisons

Moralizing

Name- calling

Sarcasm

Shaming

Prophecies of doom

Blaming

Martyrdom

5.
For a few days, keep track of your interactions with your children. Esti-

mate the percentage of time you spend listening versus the percentage

of time you spend talking.

If your kids don’t seem to want to talk with you, it’s all their fault.

See? You’re off the hook.

LISTENING IN CONTEXT

Being Able to Hear Friends and Colleagues

13

…

“I Knew
You’d
Understand”

Being Able to Hear Friends and Colleagues

Friends make the best listeners. They may not love us quite as much as our

families do, but then they don’t need quite as much from us either, and that

frees them to listen better. No matter how close we are to our friends, we

retain a certain independence, which enables us to listen without needing

to control them or protect ourselves.

Why Friends Make the Best Listeners

Sandy had just come from a workshop on counseling high school students

when she met her friend Roberta for lunch. If she didn’t trust Roberta’s

support so completely, Sandy might have hesitated to tell her that she was

thinking about doing something that would mean an end to their lunches.

The two of them had been teaching French at the same school for nine

years, and now Sandy had decided to go back and get a master’s in guid-

ance counseling. It was a big decision, scary and exciting, and she needed

someone to talk it over with.

Roberta was taken aback by Sandy’s plan. Giving up tenure and going

back to school seemed risky. How did Sandy know she would like counsel-

ing? Wasn’t she taking a big chance? Besides, Roberta couldn’t imagine

getting along at work without her friend. Sandy was the only sane person

280

Being Able to Hear Friends and Colleagues
281

in the place. It would be awful if she left. But Roberta didn’t say any of this.

No matter how much she questioned Sandy’s plan, it was her decision, and

Roberta could see how excited she was by this new dream of hers. So she

just listened.

It took Sandy two more days to get up the nerve to mention going

back to school to her husband. “I can’t believe you’d even think of such a

thing!” Gordon said. “Are you crazy? You’ve got a perfectly good job. How

are we going to pay for you to go to school?” Sandy started to protest, but

she was too hurt to bother, and they finished supper in silence.

Roberta’s ability to listen to Sandy was the mirror opposite of her hus-

band’s inability. Roberta could listen because she wasn’t threatened—or at

least not
as
threatened.

Clearly Gordon had a stake in whether or not Sandy went back to

school. He had a right to his concerns. At some point the decision might

become a joint one. But his inability to even listen to Sandy’s plan not

only deprived her of the chance to think out loud but also made her less