The Lost Boys (53 page)

“Harry? You’re still here?” I mumbled, confused. “I thought you’d all left …”

“No. I’m still here.
We
are all still here,” he said, and he balled up his fists at his sides. “You need to stop this,” he said angrily. I had never seen Harry so angry before. His eyes were hard and his voice was sharp and clipped. “I know you’re hurting. But you need to eat. I’ve lost him too, but I’m not going to lose you!” he added, and I saw so much pain in his eyes it made me realize I wasn’t the only one grieving for Tristan.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “Please forgive me,” I said, and finally left the cold comfort of my bed to hug him. He wrapped his arms around me, tears in his eyes. I had never seen Harry cry either. It was a side of him I wished I hadn’t seen. I wanted him happy again. I wanted to hear his loud laughs and see his emerald eyes smiling at me.

“I’m gonna eat. I’ll do whatever you want. Please stop crying,” I whispered in his ear. I hugged him for a long time, until I sensed he was calmer, and then I stepped away and sat on my bed, patting a place for him to sit next to me. I grabbed the tray and put it over my lap, staring at its contents.

“So … what’s lunch?” I asked, smiling weakly at him.

“It’s … I don’t know,” he said, sitting next to me and wiping his eyes with the back of his hands. “Seth made it. I think it’s soup of something,” he mumbled.

“Soup of something. My favorite!” I joked feebly, grabbing the spoon. I gave him a sideways glance as he watched me eat. He looked paler and thinner than usual. I ate in silence for a while. “You look like you haven’t been eating either,” I pointed out between spoonfuls.

“I have been eating,” he said, smiling softly at my concerned looks.

“Did you eat this soup?”

“Yeah, yeah. Soup of something is my favorite too,” he muttered, then he shuffled uncomfortably. “I’m sorry, Joe. I didn’t mean to shout at you …”

“That’s okay. I needed it. I’ve been a lousy friend.” I put the empty bowl back on the tray. “Do you think Seth, Tiff, Josh and Sam will forgive me? None of you guys deserved this treatment from me.”

“Tiff, no doubt about it, and Seth will forgive you too if he sees you eating again. As will Sam and Josh, if you get out of your room sometimes and spend time with them again,” he said hopefully.

“What about you? Do you forgive me?” I asked quietly, glancing up at his glinting green eyes.

“Only if you keep up that
‘I’ll do whatever you want’
deal,” he said seriously.

“Okay. Deal,” I said, hugging him again.

“So you can start by taking a bath now. You’ve outdone me with the longest-time-without-a-bath record.”

I smiled and nodded. “Okay, Harry. A bath it is, then.”

I took a long bath, enjoying the feeling of hot water on my skin. I washed my hair and stayed under the water for a long time, because it felt really good, like it was washing away a tiny piece of my pain. When I walked back to my room wrapped in a big towel, Harry was still there, snoozing away in my bed. I tiptoed inside and put on fresh sweat pants and a clean top before sitting back on my bed at Harry’s side. He was sleeping so peacefully that I didn’t have the courage to wake him up. I lay down and snuggled close to him, and the sway in the mattress made him shift and turn to his side, settling his head comfortably in my pillow, facing me. I looked down at Harry for a long time, looking at his straight nose and thin lips, the pale skin over his cheekbones. He was one of my best friends and I loved him so much. I immediately planned to go downstairs and apologize to the boys – and to mom and Tiff – but I fell asleep by Harry’s side instead.

I woke up in his arms the next morning. At the first second of consciousness, I thought it was Tristan by my side, but the weight of his arms was wrong, and his scent was different, hazelnutty. I knew it was Harry even though my eyes were still closed. I had one arm wrapped over his waist, my face resting cozily against his collar-bone. I had slept through the whole night uninterrupted by my usual nightmares. Harry had guarded my dreams.

My stomach rumbled for the first time in a long time, surprising me. I shifted carefully out of Harry’s arms and snuck out of the room, walking downstairs. I walked pass the living room and saw Josh sleeping on the couch with the TV on. The TV was showing an old movie from the fifties. I thought of Tristan and my heart twisted. This missing piece, this hole, would never go away. But the presence of my friends could make it more bearable, I realized for the first time. The minute I had let Harry in, I felt so much better, like he was sharing some of this heavy load I’d been carrying by myself all this time. If it wasn’t for Harry yelling some sense back into me …

I walked silently into the kitchen and bumped into a sleepy Seth on his way out, making him almost spill the mug of hot tea in his hands. He looked at me, surprised that I was out of my room and a little apprehensive, but then he softened when I lunged forward and hugged him tight.

“I’m so sorry for shutting you all out, Seth,” I said, burying my face in his chest. “And I really liked your soup.”

He exhaled, relieved, and smiled and hugged me back.

“Harry made you eat, then,” he said softly.

“Yes, he
ordered
me to. And from now on, I have to do all he says. He can be very bossy, you know,” I muttered with a small smile on my lips.

“Yeah, he waits for the best moments to unleash his dictatorial side …” Seth said, chuckling lightly.

Seth looked thinner, with black rings under his eyes, his hair unkempt and messy. Tristan had been his best friend, his brother-in-arms. How could I have been so blind, so selfish, so unaware of my friends’ suffering?

I hugged him again and whispered in his ear. “I know you miss him too.” And he wrapped his arms around me again, and squeezed me softly.

“I’m sorry there was nothing I could do to help him,” he said in a choked voice. “But I’m here for you. We all are. Anything you need, just ask,” he whispered in my ear.

“I know. Thank you, Seth,” I said. “I want something else to eat now. Then we can watch some TV with Josh, okay?”

He looked at me, surprised and happy. “Okay,” he murmured. He sat next to me in the kitchen and watched me eat, just like Harry had done the night before, and he walked with me to the living room. Josh woke up lazily the moment Seth changed the channel. He glanced at us with surprised eyes, rubbing the sleep off his face. I sat next to Josh and snuck under his blanket, lying with him on the couch.

“I wanna watch cartoons, Seth,” I said, pretending I wasn’t seeing Josh’s wide eyes glaring at me. I grabbed Josh’s heavy arm and pulled it over me, making him hold me in his arms. He understood that I wanted a hug from him and held me tight, wrapping his arm closely around me. We watched some cartoons for a while, and then Sam woke up and stepped into the living room, also with wide eyes glaring in my direction.

“Hey, Sammy, you’re up!” I greeted him, raising my head off Josh’s pillow. “I was waiting for you to wake up and give me a hug.” I extended my arms to him. He smiled so much it made dimples appear on both sides of his cheeks, and then he walked over to me, kneeling by the couch and hugging me tight.

“Hey, Joe,” he said softly in my ears. “You’re back. We’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too, Sammy.” I hugged him back.

Sam went to grab something to eat for breakfast and Harry woke up shortly after that, joining us in the living room. They were all giving me cautious sideway glances to begin with, but after a while they started to relax and soon they were all talking and making funny remarks at the TV shows, like we used to do at school. I watched them chatting casually and sometimes a shy laugh would burst through. Every time it happened, my heart felt a little lighter.

Seth told me Tiffany was sleeping at her house downtown most the nights, but she always came back near lunchtime and stayed until late at night. When she saw me sitting in the living room with all the boys, she ran over and gave me the biggest rib-crunching hug ever. We stayed together all afternoon, and when my mom arrived home from work she was also shocked to see me in the living room, huddled between Tiffany and Seth on the couch. She smiled and gave me a peck on the forehead, then hurried to the kitchen to prepare some food. But not before I’d seen her tears. She was happy to see me out of the room and with my friends again.

“Hey, what do you want to do tomorrow, Joey?” Seth asked out of the blue.

“Tomorrow? Nothing. What’s happening tomorrow?” I asked, confused.

“You seriously don’t know? It’s your birthday, Joey.”

“Oh. Really?” I said, genuinely surprised. I couldn’t believe almost fifteen days had passed. It felt like it was only a couple of days since New Year. I glanced up, thinking hard about what I wanted to do for my birthday. I never liked celebrating my birthday at the best of times, but now it felt wrong. But I should try to make up for my poor behavior to my friends. “You know, there’s something I’d really like, but I know you guys can’t do it,” I mumbled.

“Of course we can!” they all said in unison, taking the bait as expected.

“Anything you want, name it!” said Harry. “We promise.”

“Okay, I’m not quite ready to face the world yet but I’d like you all to celebrate my birthday for me. I want you all to go out and have some fun. You’ve been sulking around here, worrying about me. That’s what I really want,” I said, smiling at them.

My friends all looked surprised at my request.

“Aw, Joe. We’re are not going to leave you alone on your birthday!” Sam was the first to complain.

“Hey! It’s my birthday wish! And you promised me!” I frowned and crossed my arms.

They were still reluctant but eventually they all agreed to my wish, though they got me to concede a little and agree to have a birthday cake at least.

After we’d eaten dinner, we returned to the living room to watch some more TV. I ended up falling asleep on the couch and dreamed about a frozen desert, where a sun made of glittering ice floated in the cold sky; but now, strangely, snow fell on the soft warm sand, melting as soon as it touched the ground …

Chapter Forty-Two

A Birthday Wish

The morning of my birthday, Seth and Tiff were still reluctant to leave me on my own. I hugged them both tight and admonished them: “Remember you promised me you’d have some fun today, okay?” I smiled and tried to make them stop worrying about me.

Seth gave me a half-smile and nodded a little apprehensively. My mother had to go to a work event and Josh, Sam and Harry had already left, like they’d promised me, but Seth was really hard to convince.

“Are you sure?” he started to ask again, but I cut him off.

“I’m sure, Seth! I don’t need babysitting any more. You need a break from here, and it’s my birthday wish,” I said, stretching up to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“All right, then,” he said, resigned and a little sad. “Come on, Tiff. Let’s go have that promised fun, then.”

I closed the door behind them, letting out a big sigh. I wandered through the house thinking about Tristan and The Lost Boys. For some reason I also thought of Vigil. I felt guilty for how I had treated him at our last encounter. He hadn’t deserved all the hate I had thrown at him. I twisted my wrist and touched the black mark underneath my skin. I remembered him saying he could feel every time I said his name. It was worth a shot. I closed my eyes and concentrated hard, visualizing his name over and over again in my head.

“Vigil. Vigil. Vigil. Vigil. Vigil,” I repeated to myself. It took only a few seconds before a sharp stabbing pain shot up my arm, making me cower on my bed, but I was smiling. It had worked. I opened my eyes and Vigil was standing in the middle of the room, looking at me with frightened eyes. He still had his androgynous looks, a gray outfit, and his soft long black hair falling over his black eyes.

“It worked,” I whispered to myself. This magic stuff always surprised me. “Thanks for coming, Vigil. I wasn’t sure if you would show up after the last time we saw each other …” I muttered, feeling a little embarrassed when I remembered my last words to him.

“You were in pain. I understand,” he said quietly, looking down, ashamed and guilty for being the one that had caused me pain. I stood up and walked closer to him.

“I wanted to apologize. You didn’t deserve to hear all that, and I’m really sorry for everything I said to you.” He looked astonished at my words. “I wanted you to know that I forgive you, Vigil. I hope you can forgive me too,” I said, looking him straight in the eyes.

His eyes were wide in disbelief. “I-I’m s-sorry too,” he stuttered.

I took a step closer and hugged him then, so we could be officially and mutually forgiven. He stiffened, more surprised than ever, holding his arms close to his body. The instant I had touched him the shooting pain in my arm stopped and I relaxed a little, making the hug last longer than I originally intended to be. It was nice not feeling the tearing pain in my arm. I broke away and looked up at him. He looked confused. I smiled and walked to my bed, sitting on the same spot I had been in when he’d first appeared in the room.

“Thanks, Vigil. It means a lot to me that you came when I called. I hope I didn’t interrupt any work you were doing, and all …”

He walked hesitantly closer to my bed, sitting a little further away from me. He must be thinking I’m bipolar or something, one day wailing at him like a banshee and the next apologizing and being super nice.

“It is not a problem, I was not … working. I am glad you called,” he said, still with a worried tone in his voice. “How are you … doing?” he risked asking.

I put my hands on the mattress and stretched my legs. “I’m not doing so good.” I stared down at my feet to avoid looking at him. “I’ve been treating people very badly these past few days, but I finally came to my senses and thought it was time to start apologizing. Good way to spend your birthday, huh? Apologizing for all the crap I’ve been putting people through.” I smiled weakly.

“Today is the anniversary of the day you were born?” he asked curiously.