The Lost Treasure of Tuckernuck (3 page)

“Gerbil Monitor. I'm Gerbil Monitor.”

“Gerbil?” Mr. Wallace took off his glasses and wiped them with his pocket square.

“It's a little animal. Like a hamster, but with a tail.”

“Oh.” Mr. Wallace put his glasses back on. “Well, gerbils are good too.” He smiled at Bud.

“Yeah.” Bud tried to smile back. His dad didn't have to say anything. Bud could tell how disappointed he was from the way he picked his papers back up. Gerbil duty was the lowest of the low.

Bud attacked the pan with the scrub brush. First day of school, and he was already screwing up. Well, that settled it. He wasn't going to let Ponch and Jon and that Laurie Madison drag him down.

Letter from Mrs. Olivia Hutchins to Bud Wallace

Dear Mr. Wallace:

I am very sorry to hear that you are unhappy with your current classroom duty assignment. Unfortunately, changes cannot be made at this time. If at the end of the semester you still wish to be reassigned, please see me.

Happy monitoring!

Mrs. Olivia Hutchins

Ponch and Jon Care Schedule from Mrs. Olivia Hutchins

Bud, Laurie, feel free to arrange the schedule as you see fit. The important thing is that all of these things are done each week.

Every day: Feeding and fresh water.

Twice a week: Chew toy and playtime.

Once a week: Clean cage.

“Chew toy and playtime, Kimmy. Playtime. What am I supposed to do? I can't do playtime with those gerbils,” Laurie hissed into the phone desperately. After the bell rang, she'd made what she hoped was a discreet dash behind Mrs. Hutchins's freestanding blackboard, but it wasn't like she could go unnoticed for long. “What kind of lame school has classroom gerbils in sixth grade anyway? What, do they think we're babies?”

“I don't get it. You totally loved Suzy-Q,” Kimmy said.

Suzy-Q may have started life as a gerbil, but once Kimmy switched her to an all-sunflower-seed diet, she basically turned into a tennis ball with feet. Not the same thing.

“You know how Suzy-Q went after sunflower seeds? Well, that's how Ponch and Jon are with human flesh.”

“Wow, that really stinks. Oh! Did I tell you what happened with my sneakers?” Kimmy didn't seem to be grasping how dire the situation was. Who cared about sneakers?

“Kimmy, what do I do?” Laurie peeked out from behind the blackboard. Bud had wandered over to the gerbil cage and was shooting her periodic glances. He was totally on to her.

“Beats me. I'm really sorry about the hamster thing. Maybe they'll die.” Kimmy didn't sound nearly sympathetic enough. “So anyway, this girl, Alyssa?”

“Gerbils.”

“What?”

“Gerbils. They're gerbils, not hamsters.”

“Right, gerbils, same difference. So at lunch? This girl Alyssa stepped on my sneaker, and it was totally on purpose.”

No, Laurie thought, huge difference. Ponch and Jon were gross. They were evil. They weren't cute and fluffy, and they didn't sing and dance on the internet. The two were in no way the same.

“I mean, deliberately, can you believe that? It scuffed!”

Bud had given up all pretense of watching the gerbils and was openly staring at the blackboard. Laurie was totally busted.

“Kimmy, gotta go,” she said, cutting Kimmy off in the middle of the smudged sneaker saga, which, honestly, Laurie didn't consider an appropriate topic for a time of crisis (or ever). Kimmy obviously didn't know a thing about gerbils.

Know Your Rodents: A Study Guide for Kimmy Baranski
by Laurie Madison, grade six

Size: Small, fluffy, and fat.

Tail: Nonexistent.

Activity level: High at night, low in day.

Color: Gold.

Cute?: Yes (especially when wearing a bow, hat, or other accessory).

Verdict: Hamster.

Suggested response: Detached affection.

Size: Small and wiry.

Tail: Long and plumey.

Activity level: Abnormally high.

Color: Brown or black.

Cute?: Definitely not (even with bow or hat).

Verdict: Gerbil, aka Demon Spawn of Satan.

Suggested Response: Nuclear.

Bud pointed to the blackboard as Laurie sauntered over nonchalantly. “What was that all about?”

“What?” Laurie shot Bud a cool and unconcerned look. “What do you mean?”

“That whole hiding deal. What was with that?” Bud rubbed his nose in irritation. It made a little wrinkle on top that made him look like he had a snout.

An eighth grader who worked in the school office appeared in the doorway with a note in his hand. He gave Laurie and Bud the once-over before handing the note to Mrs. Hutchins. From the face he made, it didn't look like they passed muster. Laurie blamed the snout.

The eighth grader left, but snouty Bud was still staring at Laurie for an explanation. She shrugged. People probably ducked behind blackboards for secret phone conversations all the time. It was no big deal. If Bud didn't understand that she needed a couple of minutes of private time, that was his tough luck.

Mrs. Hutchins bustled over just in time to save Laurie from coming up with a snappy reply. She looked worried.

“I'm so sorry, kids, but I've got to go up to the office for a little bit. I hate to leave you guys on your first day....”

“We'll be fine, Mrs. Hutchins,” Bud said. “No problem at all.” Laurie wondered if Bud had somehow missed hearing about Ponch and Jon's last victim. It would explain a lot.

Mrs. Hutchins gave them a relieved smile. “You know where I am if you run into trouble. But I can't imagine you'll have problems.” She patted them each on the arm and then hurried out of the room.

Note from Betty Abernathy to Olivia Hutchins

Dear Olivia:

I've compiled the Tutweiler papers you requested—we have documents from her time in Paris a few years before the renovation of the school up through her resignation as principal. They're in the back room of the office.

I know you're looking for a way to save the school, but I don't think you're going to find it here. I did see the names of some of the artists and architects you asked about, but I don't know that there's any connection to the school there.

Unfortunately, due to the historic nature of the documents, we can't allow them to leave the office.

Best,

Betty

P.S. One interesting thing to note. You will see from the papers that there is no love lost between Maria Tutweiler and school board member Wayne LeFranco. That very same Wayne LeFranco is related to our current school board president, Walker LeFranco. So if you're hoping for a sympathetic ear there, I'm afraid you won't get one.

Bud thrust a grubby-looking gerbil play ball into Laurie's hands. “Go for it.”

Laurie shook her head. “No way.” She braced herself for an argument, but weirdly enough, it didn't come.

Bud just looked down at Ponch and Jon, who were standing up against the aquarium walls watching them, their jaws dripping with venom. He looked doubtful.

“Okay, well, maybe we ease into it? Let them get used to us before we try playtime? I'll change their water and you change their food.”

Laurie nodded. She could handle food. How hard could food be? And by the time she filled the dish, Bud probably would've bonded with the suckers, and she wouldn't have to get involved with playtime at all. Or he would've been attacked and killed, at which point she'd need to go the office for help anyway.

Bud carefully took the lid off of the top of the aquarium and put it on the table. Ponch and Jon didn't move—they just watched the whole procedure with interest. Then he lifted out the water bottle and headed to the sink.

Laurie scowled to herself. Ponch and Jon stood watching her expectantly, flexing their knees and rubbing their tiny hands together. She knew they were up to something. She just needed to distract them long enough to grab the dish.

Laurie scanned the room for ideas. A glint by one of the desks caught her eye. There was a button on the floor. Sure, it was big and silver and probably toxic to small rodents. But chances were good they hadn't ever seen anything like it before, so it would be just the thing to boggle their tiny minds. Plus it was shiny, and everybody knows animals go crazy for shiny things. Laurie scooped up the button and dusted it off. She held it up just long enough for Ponch and Jon to fixate on it, and then flipped it into the aquarium. It bounced against the far wall and landed in a pile of cedar chips in the corner.

Ponch and Jon immediately raced over to it, trying to figure out what the amazing shiny thing was. Laurie gave a little internal cheer, took a deep breath, stuck her arm into the cage, and successfully grabbed the food dish. She didn't know what she'd been so worried about. Gerbils were no big deal anyway. Puny little dimwits, that's what they were.

Unfortunately, they were also puny little dimwits with powerful jumping muscles. Laurie had barely taken hold of the bowl when Ponch (or Jon) saw his chance. Turning away from the button, he crouched and gave an enormous leap, landing squarely on Laurie's arm. In one smooth motion, Ponch (or Jon) grabbed hold of her sleeve and shimmied up toward her shoulder. It was like he was a stunt gerbil in an action movie, that's how slick his moves were.

“AAERRERRREGHHHH!!” Laurie shrieked, jerking her arm back and flinging gerbil food all over the room. “GUUUUHRREAAEEEEAAAA!!”

“What the heck?” Bud looked up from the sink just in time to see Ponch (or Jon) go flying across the room and land on one of the pillows in the reading nook. A fine scattering of birdseed and sunflower seeds pattered softly as it hit the ground.

“Laurie, what are you doing?” he yelled, dropping the bottle with a loud thunk.

Laurie shuddered convulsively and rubbed at her arm, trying to get rid of the feeling of tiny claws. “He went after me!” she wailed.

Jon (or Ponch) abandoned the shiny button he was clutching and watched the two of them with interest. He was no dummy. With Bud and Laurie distracted, he knew it was time to make his move. He leaped up and grabbed the edge of the aquarium, pulling himself up onto the rim.

“Aaaah!” Laurie jumped back like she had springs on her feet. “They're after me!”

She grabbed the aquarium lid, pushed Jon (or Ponch) back inside before he was able to make the jump from the aquarium to her shirt front, and slammed the lid down hard. Jon (or Ponch) went back to his button, cursing loudly.

“Get a grip, Laurie, they're gerbils!” Bud said, rolling his eyes. “Come on, we've got to catch that one.”

He made a move toward the tiny escapee on the pillow. But Ponch (or Jon) wasn't giving up that easily. He hissed at Bud in a very non-gerbil-like way, turned tail, and raced out of the room and down the hall.

Bud and Laurie stared at each other in horror.

“He'll kill half the school!” Laurie gasped.

“Mrs. Hutchins will kill us!” Bud groaned. “We'll fail sixth grade!”

Without another word the two took off running down the hallway. There was no way they could let that gerbil escape. But Ponch (or Jon, but for some reason Laurie had decided it was definitely Ponch) was a gerbil on a mission. He could really move. They didn't catch up to him until the main entryway, when he was momentarily distracted by a stepped-on piece of banana.

“Shh.” Bud put a finger to his mouth and jerked his head to the left. Then he headed off to Ponch's right.

Laurie nodded in understanding and started slinking to the left. Once they surrounded that psychotic rodent, he wouldn't have a chance. They'd catch that sucker if they had to squish him to do it.

Theoretically, their plan was terrific. Theoretically, they should've surrounded Ponch and grabbed him easily. Unfortunately, in practice the plan left a lot to be desired.