The Love Series Complete Box Set (101 page)

We sit in silence for a few moments. He doesn’t say anything and I want to give him the space to absorb what I’ve just told him. He finally looks at me. “But I don’t understand, Melanie.” He sighs as he scratches his head. “You said . . . I mean . . . how did you . . . what made you think that you slept with him.” The last few words catch in his throat.

I’ve actually thought about this a lot. I blamed myself for ruining our relationship for so long; I had a lot of time on my own to try and figure it all out. “Bryan, I’m so sorry. I never meant to put us through this, but I think part of it was that I always thought the worst of myself. I remember talking to him. I remember the kiss and the call and then the rest is a blurry mess.” I sniffle and wipe my nose with the back of my hand in a rather unladylike fashion. “I woke up the next morning with in someone else’s shirt, my jeans were unsnapped, my bra was missing and I guess through my hangover fog, I assumed the worst. When I happened to run in to Tyler over spring break, that night came into focus. I wanted to tell you right away, you have to believe me, but you wanted nothing to do with me.” Bryan looks utterly disgusted with me. Hell, so was I when I first found out. But, sitting up a bit straighter, I feel lightened by the truth I’ve just unveiled.

Scrubbing a hand through the light stubble that decorates his jaw, he huffs and closes his eyes. I can tell he’s struggling with what I just told him, but the reality is that he wanted me last night
before
he even knew about any of this. Emboldened by that thought, I scoot an inch closer to him and cup his cheek. Turning his face to mine, I call him out on last night. “But you didn’t know this last night, Bryan. You didn’t know any of it, but you still wanted me. I saw it in your eyes and felt it in your touch too. Last night was not just a one night thing for you.” I lace our fingers together in my lap and squeeze gently.

At least, I hope it wasn’t.

“You’re right. It wasn’t just about last night.” His words sober me immediately; they’re words I never thought I would hear. “When I saw you at Bella’s, I could tell what you thought about me and Abbey. I saw how much it hurt you and I knew. I just knew that you still had feelings for me. When I saw the hurt in your eyes as we were leaving, I decided to finally own my feelings for you, too.”

A lone tear trickles down my face. Bryan kisses it away and smiles at me. “I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.” He opens his heart to me and I shoot him a wry look. “Okay, okay.” He holds his hands up in surrender. “Right after you told me what you
thought
happened, my feelings
may
have changed, but even still, there was always a part of my heart that belonged to you.”

“So, what changed between then and last night?” I ask timidly.

Bryan stares absentmindedly out of my bedroom window as the sunlight dances through the thin purple curtains. Closing his eyes, as if he’ll find the answers hidden behind his lids, he finally starts talking. “I spent the last few months struggling with my family. Watching the people you love the most fall apart right before your eyes is pure torture. But when Emmie was staying with me for the summer, I felt alive again. I know it’s cheesy, but she gave me hope again. And then when I saw you again, I knew I had to take a chance.” He pulls my face to his and lightly grazes his lips across mine. “I just didn’t know how. And then when I saw you with that guy at camp, I lost my shit. Everything I thought about what happened between us, came crashing down around me.” Through tensely clenched jaw, he mutters, “I let my anger about everything—about you, about my dad, about my mom—I let it consume me. It changed me. “

I softly press my lips to his cheek and whisper against his skin, “It’s okay. You’re still you.” He leans into my lips and my heart swells. I missed him so much.

“But I wasn’t for a long time and I didn’t like who I was. I spent a lot of time thinking about how unfair I was to you when we broke up. I told you that you weren’t good enough, that you had to change.” His face twists in guilt. “How fucked up is that? We could have worked on things. Maybe we could have figured them out, but I told you to go fix yourself and here I was becoming the exact same kind of person I told you not to be.”

That’s pretty harsh to hear and it kills me to think that we could have figured things out a long time ago. Opting to take the high road, I bite back what could be a very pissed-off outburst. The truth is that he was right. Back then, I wasn’t a whole person; I was a shadow of the woman I’ve become.

“But Bryan, don’t you realize that I wouldn’t be who I am now, if you didn’t do that.” I take a deep breath and hope that my words make sense. “Most of what you said back then was right. I didn’t have faith in myself. I didn’t love myself. If we hadn’t broken up, I might have never found the strength to figure out who I am. I’m not going to lie; it wasn’t a pretty time for me. But I did a lot of soul searching and I spent a lot of time with my family. I learned so much about who I really am and I found out that I’m pretty awesome.” I flip my hair playfully to emphasize the dorkiness of what I’ve just said. His goofy grin and small laugh reassure me so I continue. “Maybe that’s just how things were supposed to be. We were meant to spend some time apart to figure things out, to pick up the pieces so that we could both be whole when we found each other again.”

Before I can even offer up my lame smile, his lips are on mine. His hands are in my hair and he’s pulling me so close to his body that I feel like we’re going to melt together as one. Pulling back from the branding kiss, he leans his forehead against mine. “I’m still scared.” His admission knocks me for a loop because it’s as if he’s just read my mind.

“Me too, Bry. I’m scared I won’t be enough for you, for us.”

“Shh . . . Melanie, I see how different you are, but you’re the same too. Sweet, kind, funny. You’re everything I fell in love with in the first place and so much more. I’m just afraid we’ll screw it up again.” His thumbs brush my cheeks tenderly. “What if we’re
too
different?” His vulnerability cuts through me.

I don’t want to verbalize the fear I feel. There’s some truth to what he’s saying, but in my heart, in my gut, I have a feeling that the different people we’ve become are the people who were meant to be together.

Recalling the words he said to me so long ago, I laugh softly. “Do you remember what you said to me when we first met? That you would
show me
rather than
tell me
all of the ways we would be perfect together?”

He pulls his face away from mine. Tapping his finger on his kiss-swollen lower lip, he acts as if he’s trying to recall some long-lost secret. “Yeah, I think I remember saying something like that.” I swat him teasingly on his arm.

I shoot him a look of seriousness and get lost in his melted-chocolate eyes for a minute. “Let me
show
you just how good we can be. Let me wear
you
down and prove to you that even though we’ve both changed, we’re better off for it.”

“I think I can do that, Melanie. But just what did you have in mind?” He arches an eyebrow at me on his last words.

I drop the sheet from around my breasts and straddle his hips. “A little of this,” I say as I wiggle on top of him. On another wiggle, I add “And a little of that.”

His fingers dig into the soft flesh of my waist as he nudges his hips up into mine. “I think I like your plan,” he mutters lustily. I lean down onto his body and mumble against his lips, “Oh, no. You’re going to
love
my plan.”

We spend the rest of the day
showing
each other just how good we are for together, coming up for air and food only when necessary. As dusk settles in and the sun descends behind the mountains, the sky is set ablaze in a fiery hotness that mirrors the day we just spent together.

Sprawling out in my bed, Bryan is wearing only his boxers and I’ve opted to cover up with an extra-long T-shirt and panties. Cuddled at his side, I let my fingers trace random patterns across his chest.

“So where does this leave us?” Damn me and my stupid need for definition.

Bryan clears his throat as he tucks his hand behind his head. “I don’t know, Melanie. I don’t know.”

“Yeah, me either.” And that’s the honest truth. Sure, the last day has been great and we’ve talked a lot—among other things—but, there’s still so much to figure out. “How about we just take it slowly, one day at a time? We’ll see how things go, day-by-day. Sound good?” My suggestion actually doesn’t seem half bad.

Kissing the top of my head, Bryan nods his agreement. “It’s perfect, Melanie.”

“It might be a little cold tomorrow, but we could start back at the beginning.” I point to Emmie’s picture of Happy Times Waterfall that hangs on the wall above my computer.

“Just be sure to wear your sneakers.” I poke him in the side and stick my tongue out at him. He just pulls me closer to his side and inhales the sweet citrus scent of my hair. “Cold or not, I can’t think of a better way to spend the day. As long as I’m with you, it’ll be perfect.”

I roll my eyes. “Will you stop saying that?”

“What?” He looks down at me, clearly confused by my words.

“Perfect. Things are never going to be perfect. It’s impossible.” I pull him closer to me and kiss his lips tenderly. “We’re not perfect, neither one of us. And we never will be, but we can be imperfect together.”

His lips dance across mine and happiness shimmers in his warm, brown eyes. “Then here’s to one imperfect day after another.”

Chapter 18

December 2013

It’s lame to say, but very true—Bryan and I have spent the last month together basking in the glow of our not-so-perfect love. We’ve fought and made up and then fought again, but through it all we’ve learned to be honest—both with ourselves and with each other. When we first got back together, there were a few times that I thought we wouldn’t make it. Like when he gets stressed out and angry about home. Or when I feel like I don’t deserve his love and affection after all I put us through. That’s usually when he reminds me that it wasn’t entirely my fault.

As mended as we may both be, there’s obviously still a lot of healing that needs to happen. I’m not disillusioned enough to think it’d all be rainbows and glitter, so at least I was a little prepared for the struggles. I wasn’t as prepared for just how amazing the good times would be, though.

Just this past weekend we volunteered at the local Special Olympics and it was, by far, the most rewarding experience of my life. We were paired with Joey, a twenty-year-old with Downs Syndrome. When he won his first of three medals, he actually cried. Which of course made me cry and even though Bryan will still deny it, I know that I saw a tear or two fill his eyes.

The last event for the day was an indoor group soccer game. It wasn’t at the level at which Bryan was used to playing, but he was in his glory. It was clear that he missed the game, but based on the way he was running with the other players and coaching them along the way, he missed his sister even more. I think it was a defining day for us, not just as a couple, but as individuals as well. Bryan has always been a helper—be it for Professor O’Neil, Bella, Emmie or even his mom, Bryan has always had a kind heart and a caring soul. I think he got a piece of that back as he ran his final lap around the soccer field with Joey.

I know I got a piece of myself back that day too. For so long I thought I didn’t deserve to be loved, that the people who did love me only did so out of obligation. But after reading the letters from my dad, and seeing my mom find love again, I know that I am surrounded by loads of unconditional love. That’s why I love working with kids with special needs. At the end of the day, when Joey, Bryan and I walked off the field, he asked us if we would be back next year. Without missing a beat, at the same time, Bryan and I said, “We wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

That day was proof positive of how much we’ve changed, but it was also a testament to how closely we’ve grown together.

So here we are, one year away from the week that forced us apart and the same nervousness about our distance is seeping into my soul all over again. We’re at Bella’s on our last date before we have to spend the holiday break apart again. Bryan can feel my leg shaking under the table. “What’s wrong, babe?” His hand stretches out across the table and I willingly place mine into it.

“Forget it. It’s silly.” I swat my other hand in front of me and reach for my water.

Squeezing my hand tightly, he locks me in his persistent stare. “Stop it. Something is bothering you. What is it? Please tell me.”

Remembering out promise to be honest with each other, I take a deep breath and divulge my foolish concerns. “I’m just nervous about being away from you.”

Bryan releases my hand and starts lightly tickling my forearm. Leaning in closer to me, I close my eyes and enjoy the feel of his fingertips on my skin. Just like that, I’m calmed. His touch has that kind of power over me. “Okay, now that you’re relaxed, listen to me.” I nod and stifle my rising emotions.

“I don’t want to be away from you either. I kind of like waking up with you, but I have to go home. It’s Mom’s first Christmas alone and she’s been doing well, going to AA meetings and all that, but I just . . . I need to be there with her and Emmie.” He pulls my hand up to his lips and sweetly kisses my knuckles.

“I know, baby. I understand, but it doesn’t mean I’ll miss you any less.” His thumb gently stroking over my knuckles calms me a bit more. I take a deep breath and throw out my last Hail Mary. “Are you sure you won’t be able to make it to the wedding next week?”

“You know I want to be there. We’ve talked about this. It’s just too close to Christmas. I can’t . . .”

“I know, Bryan. I just thought I would ask one more time. Let’s drop it and enjoy our last night together.”

An impish grin spreads across his face. “We definitely will.”