The Love Series Complete Box Set (159 page)

Later that night, after a normal dinner with Mom and Dad—one where they asked me how my day was and if I was excited for camp—I couldn’t help but think about what Shane and Reid’s night was like.

Did their dad lay into them even more over the broken window? Would Shane have another black eye like the one he did a few weeks ago? Since he was younger, and perhaps just more of a hothead in general, Reid was usually angrier about the whole situation than Shane was, but I could see the sadness in both of them, and I hated it.

But there was nothing I could do, and in all honesty, even though my home life was much happier than theirs, I had my own issues to deal with, my own secrets to keep. In the solace of my own room, with the moon light slicing through the window, I pulled out my journal. Pressing the pen to the paper, I let my mind create a world in which I didn’t have to hide who I knew I was.

Chapter Two

July 30, 2006

Dad’s fist slammed down on the table for what felt like the hundredth time and all I could think was
at least it’s not my face, like last time.
“Shane, are you even listening to me? Dammit, you’re such a fucking lost cause.” He tossed his hands up in the air and I literally bit down on my tongue to keep from talking back to him.

I tried my best to shut him out when he got like this, not to let his words affect me, but it was a pointless endeavor, really. So, rather than saying, “Yes, Dad. I am worthless—no thanks to you,” I sat ramrod straight in my chair and choked out, “Yes, sir. I’m listening.”

“You know, this camp cost me more money than I even want to think about. You better make sure you don’t screw around while you’re there.” He leaned across the table much like a snake slithers toward its prey. Folding his hands together, he eyed me like the piece of trash he repeatedly told me I was. “I’m waiting for the day you’ll do something to make me proud, but I guess I shouldn’t hold my breath,” he sneered.

After the words fell like venom from his mouth, a car beeped out front. Thank God, they were here, finally. I was getting a ride to camp with Dylan and his father. Rather than dreading the two-hour drive, I was actually looking forward to being in the car with Dylan and his dad, Ben.

They were normal.

They were happy.

They were everything I wasn’t.

Dad stood first; I learned long ago not to rise from my seat before he did—that was a sign of disrespect in his book. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’d wished he treated us with even just a sliver of the respect he’d demanded from us. As he squeezed my shoulder, almost to the point of being painful, it was clear respecting me was never going to happen.

Before I walked out the door into the just-rising sun, my father shoved my bag into my hands and told me “not to fuck up.” I swear, if Dylan and his dad hadn’t been waiting out front already, I know Dad would have shoved me out the door and down the steps.

As I walked down the cobblestone path leading to the street, I glanced back at the house and saw Mom waving to me from the window, a sad look coloring her face. God, what I wouldn’t give to take that sadness away from her. Even though I was dealing with my own shit-storm of sadness and a world of my own issues, I would gladly take on hers just to see her smile and hear her laugh like she used to.

Since it was still early, barely six in the morning, Reid was still asleep. I didn’t bother to wake him, so when I slid into the back seat, I punched out a quick text to him to let him know I’d call him later. I hated that I had to leave him there with Dad, but I had no choice in the matter, really. Hopefully, Reid would play it smart and just stay out of Dad’s way. Since it was still summer, he could easily just spend the day out with his friends without having to worry about Dad for more than a few hours a day.

Ben pulled away from the curb and Dylan turned in his seat to face me in the back. “You excited?” He was all bright-eyed and alive.

“Yeah,” I groaned through a huge-ass yawn, but in reality, I was exhausted. Another sleepless night of tossing and turning, of anxiety eating me alive from the inside out. Another morning waking up to my parents fighting, to my gut clenched in anger at the worthless feeling that was always hovering around me.

However, rather than saying anything about all of that shit, I plastered a fake smile on my face, feigning excitement about the camp I really didn’t want to go to. “I’m shot. I didn’t get much sleep last night. I think I’ll just close my eyes for a bit before we get there.” I tried my best to ignore the upset look that flashed across Dylan’s face as I balled a sweatshirt up into a makeshift pillow. Leaning up against the door, I closed my eyes and tried to sort through the shit in my head.

It was pointless, really. I’d never sort it all out. The best I could hope for at this point was just a bit of a break from it all while I was away from home. It was difficult to admit how shitty your life was to yourself when you were not even willing to admit it to the rest of the world. When those were the only thoughts in your head, all the fucking time, you started to feel like you lived in your own personal hell.

That was pretty much all my life was. I’d be worried if my family had noticed that I’d retreated into myself more and more in the last year, but then again, they’d have to care about me for that to happen. I mean, I guess Mom cared, but who the hell knew and I’d be one selfish son-of-a-bitch wanting her to put me before her own sadness. Dad was pretty much a lost fucking cause. God, even thinking about him made my stomach roil in a fit of rage, my fists clenching involuntarily under my rolled up hoodie.

Then there was Reid. He was the only one I could turn to, the only one who I could trust, but what kind of big brother would I be if I laid all my problems at his feet when his life sucked just as much as mine did. If I thought Dad was tough on me, he was like a prison guard with Reid. You know how some parents expect less out of the younger sibling? Well, that was definitely not the case with Dad and Reid. So there was no way in hell I was going to burden him with my problems.

They were mine and mine alone.

“This place kicks ass.” Dylan flopped back onto his bed after tossing his bag on the floor. I stood by the window that looked out onto the quad and took a deep breath. After a two-hour drive, we finally arrived at the small college campus where the Central New York Youth Baseball camp was held. Turning around, I took stock of the small dorm room and a huge smile spread across my face.

“Hell yeah, it does.” I felt freer in that moment than I could ever really explain. For two full weeks, I could run and play ball with people who were here for the exact same reason; they weren’t here to break or belittle me.

“So it looks like we’ve got a meeting at eleven and then lunch. Our first practice is this afternoon at four.” Dylan laid back on the bed, holding the itinerary in one hand and the TV remote in the other. “What should we do until then?” he asked as he mindlessly flipped through the channels.

Looking beyond the open field out behind the quad, my legs grew twitchy. After sitting in the car, biting back my anxiety the entire time, I needed to let off some steam and a run seemed like the perfect way to do that. “I think I’ll hit that trail out there.” I angled my head to the huge evergreens lining the path as I pulled my running sneakers out of my bag.

“Sounds good,” Dylan agreed as he turned off the TV and got up from the bed. Ten minutes later, we made our way across the field and stretched a little before hitting the trail. I could tell that Dylan wanted to say something, probably wanted to ask about my dad again. Maybe one day I’d want to talk about it, but today, with the warm air filling my lungs with some kind of renewed energy, was definitely not that day. Right then, all I wanted to do was run until my legs gave out, until my lungs couldn’t take it, until I felt like I was far enough away from who I really was so that I could be someone else entirely. Since that last part would never happen, I would have to settle for the three miles we had time for.

When we arrived at what we assumed was the halfway point, we stopped to take a quick break. Neither one of us thought to bring any water, not that we would have wanted to carry it anyway. While most people would have felt anything other than happiness at being hunched over, completely unable to breathe with sweat dripping from pretty much everywhere, I felt nothing but elated.

“Keep running like that and you’ll knock a full second off your home-to-first time,” Dylan managed between shallow breaths. The sharp reminder of why I was here hit me right in the gut; I had to use this time to train, to sharpen my skills, to shut my father the fuck up.

That last thought caused a wicked smile to pull at my lips. “What time did you say the weight room was open?” I straightened up, finally able to pull in a deep breath.

“Um, I think it was seven. Yeah, after dinner. Why? You think you want to go?” Dylan looked at me sideways as he stretched out his legs.

“I’m just thinking I might as well use the time here to my advantage. Prove to my father that I’m not a total failure.” Dylan’s eyes widened a little at my small confession, but thankfully, he didn’t press for more. Instead, he jumped up and down a few times and shook out his legs. Shooting me an I’m-up-to-no-good look, he said, “It’s on, now. I am so going to kick your ass. Let’s go!” Then he was off, sprinting ahead of me, leaving his challenge to race him back to the dorms somewhere in the dust behind him.

“Nice work out there, Shane,” Coach Murphy squeezed my shoulder as he walked up to me in the cafeteria later that night. “You’re a real natural. With a little bit of work on that slider, you’ll be unhittable.”

“Thanks, Coach. I’ll be sure to get out there early and stay late to work on it.” For some odd reason, putting in a little bit of extra effort here didn’t seem like punishment.

“Sounds good, Shane. Keep up the good work, kid.” Coach tipped his hat to me as I walked away, dinner tray in hand, to the table where Dylan was sitting with Scott and Eric, two friends we met earlier in the day while running drills.

“Dude, did you leave anything up there for the rest of us?” Scott joked as he took stock of my overly full plate.

“What? I’m bulking up. You might want to follow suit.” Scott was fast, but mainly because he was skinny as hell.

“Works to my advantage. Last season I was only caught stealing twice. I’ll take speed over strength any day,” he mumbled around a full mouth of pasta.

I would never admit it to anyone aloud, but while my main motivation for the extra workouts was to prove my father wrong, I also had an ulterior motive—to be finally big enough to fight back.

“So I guess that means you won’t be joining us in the optional weight-lifting session tonight, huh?” I asked as I sank down into my chair.

“No, we’ll be there. Even though it says ‘optional,’ we know they keep track of those things,” Eric answered for both him and Scott. “Our coach back home would kill us if he found out we didn’t do everything that was ‘optional.’ He’s quite the overachiever.”

“Sounds familiar,” I grumbled under my breath, wondering if their coach was as mean about over-achieving as my father was.