The Making of Matt (14 page)

“We can have a date here,” Alex suggested, snapping me from my thoughts. “If we go somewhere public the-”

“Whole world will know about us within minutes?” I finished for him. He nodded. “So fucking what.”

“Well… aren’t you supposed to…I don’t know, ask for your manager’s approval or something before you announce any kind of news?”

I shrugged, cocking my head to the side. “I don’t need to worry about that since Souls split. Not that I ever bothered before. I’m pretty sure I made Claire’s, our manager’s, life a living hell. I’ve never been very good at saying the ‘right’ things. Thoughts just seem to come into my head and topple straight outta my mouth. I can’t help it.”

Alex looked unsure. “Once it’s out there you can’t take it back. You need to think about this. It’s such a big thing.”

“I’ve done nothing
but
think about it. I’m tired of thinking. I’d rather just
do
,” I said, molding my lips into a devilish smirk.

“But it’s a-”

“Big thing?” Alex rolled his eyes as I plucked the words out of his mouth. “It is. For
me
. For
us.
It doesn’t concern anyone else.”

“That won’t stop them having an opinion.”

“Let them,” I breathed, inching closer to him until our chests were pressed together. His warm breath blanketed my face, making my dick stir. “The only opinion I’m interested in is yours.”

“And your family? Friends?” Alex asked, his words barely a whisper as I kissed along his jaw.

I peeled my lips from his skin. “If they love me they’ll support me. Besides, since Saw came out most of my friends seem to be gay these days. I swear the dude is some kind of cock-jockey magnet.”

“You’re really quite amazing, you know?”

“Yes, I do,” I replied with a serious expression. Alex shoved me gently in the shoulder before rolling onto his back, laughing. His head flopped to the side so he faced me and I blew away the rogue curl that obscured his eye. “How did it take me so long to notice how fucking hot you are?”

“You think I’m hot?”

Grabbing Alex’s hand, I guided it toward my erection and wrapped his fingers around the base. It jerked under his touch, causing a proud smile to spread across his face. “What do you think?” I said, groaning as I thrust softly in and out of his firm grip.

As I began to fuck his hand I plunged my tongue into his mouth, fisting his hair with one hand and feeling his hard body with the other. My fingers ached to touch his cock and I paused for just a second while I swallowed the flurry of nerves clogging my throat. I always wondered if it would feel weird, unnatural even. If putting my fantasy into action would prove that it was just that. A fantasy. A dream. But as I snuck my fingers into the waistband of his briefs and circled the tip of his hard cock with my thumb, nothing had ever felt so absolutely right in my life.

“Matt…” Alex moaned, clamping his hand down firmly on top of mine. “Not yet.”

Sighing heavily through my nose, I collapsed onto his chest. “You’re killing me, Alex.”

“It’ll be worth the wait. I promise.”

My hand still pressed against his cock, I angled my head so I could look him in the eyes. “Just because
I’m
not allowed to touch you, doesn’t mean
you
can’t.” Raising an eyebrow, Alex gazed down at me quizzically. After giving his cock a firm squeeze, I moved my hand, letting his own fingers fall onto his length. “Jerk yourself off for me,” I said, my tone begging. “I want to watch you come.” Appearing hesitant, the only movement coming from Alex was that of his chest as it rose and fell with each jagged breath. “It’s only fair,” I said, molding my fingers around his and encouraging his hand to move up and down his shaft. “You’ve seen
me
come twice now.”

I knew I was winning by the husky moan that trickled from his throat when I cupped his balls. It was a strange feeling, touching another man this way, but I found the strangest part to be the fact I couldn’t wait to explore even further.

Raising his ass off the mattress, he used one hand to push his underwear down his legs before kicking them to the floor. “Holy shit,” he moaned, arching his back and forcing his cock deeper into his hand.

His eyes bored into mine as if trying to assess my reaction to what was happening. I spotted his free hand travelling slowly down his chest and I sensed he was about to remove my contact. Before he did, I continued to trace the soft ridges of his sac with my thumb, never taking my eyes off his as I tried to learn how he liked to be touched.

As expected, Alex’s fingers clamped down on mine. I sighed, frustrated by the knowledge he was going to push me away, even though I understood why. I wasn’t ready to stop touching him. I wanted to feel him
everywhere
, experience the different textures of his skin. “Eyes only,” he groaned, his voice pained. It cushioned the blow somewhat to know he’d miss receiving my touch as much as I missed giving it. “I’m really close already.”

So am I,
I thought and I hadn’t paid an iota of attention to myself yet. After peppering hungry kisses along Alex’s chest I sat up, falling back on my heels as I curled my fingers around my throbbing dick. I’d jerked off thousands of times in my life, but nothing came close to what I was experiencing right now. For the first time I watched Alex relax his walls. He completely let go for me as he gripped his cock so firmly his knuckles turned white. The sight of his fist pumping up and down, the contours of his muscles glistening from the sheen of sweat dusting his skin, the sound of his ragged breathing as he cussed and moaned into the air…

It set every nerve in my body on fire.

My dick wept as I tugged fervently. Keeping my eyes on Alex, I felt a rush of heat creep across my chest as shards of pleasure shot down my spine. Alex’s strong thighs tensed before falling open, completely exposing him and making me want to cry out with the desire to touch him again. Pre-cum leaked from his tip, as did my own, and as my impending orgasm drew my balls up into my body the need to feel his skin against mine became impossible to ignore.

Reaching out, I took his hand in mine, grasping it tightly as a violent tingle spread from my balls all the way through my cock. “You’re so fuckin’ beautiful,” I whispered harshly, bringing his hand to my lips and gently licking each knuckle.

“Jesus, Matt…I’m-I’m”

“Fuck yeah you are,” I said, watching in awe as spurts of creamy white cum rained onto his stomach. “Oh
fuuuuck.”

So engrossed in Alex’s body and its reaction to being played with, I’d barely noticed how close I was to coming until the ball of pressure deep in my belly exploded, making my dick pulsate as it coated my fingers with my warm load.

Alex smiled and, returning my earlier move, kissed the back of my hand. My gaze wandered up and down his naked body, wanting to see every inch of him but not being able to squeeze him all into one shot. I stared as his cock waned, flopping to the side. I admired the patterns his cum had made on his skin and for a brief moment an irrational fear of getting too close to him made me shrink back a little. Maybe it was because of how determined he was that I mustn’t touch him intimately yet, or maybe it was because despite how confident I felt about us moving forward, the risk he posed to my health was absolutely real.

“Don’t be afraid, Matt. Please don’t be afraid of me.” I hadn’t realized how intently I’d been staring at the wet patch on his stomach until he spoke. Ripping my gaze away from him, I looked at the pillows instead.

“I’m not.” My voice was so weak there’s no way he could’ve believed me.

“You can’t lie. Not to me.” Still holding my hand, he squeezed it tenderly. “It’s good that you’re thinking about the risks. It means you know how serious it is.”

“Of course I know how serious it is,” I snapped, immediately regretting my curt tone. “I’m sorry. I don’t
want
to be afraid of anything with you. I just…” I trailed off, not knowing how the hell I felt about it.

“You don’t know enough about it yet. A ten minute Google search isn’t nearly enough. But that’s what the doctor and the counseling sessions are for. And know that we won’t do anything until you’re ready, and if you’re never ready, that’s okay, too.”

“What are you saying?” My throat felt suddenly tight, as if my heart was trying to push its way free from my chest.

“I’m saying we can stop this at any time. I’d never expect or want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, and if after speaking to the doctor you don’t think a relationship with me is something you can do, I will respect that.”

“That’s not an option for me,” I said resolutely, shaking my head. “I can’t believe you just said that.”

“Matt,” Alex murmured, sitting up and using his pointed finger to gently push my chin upwards so I was forced to look at him. “I’m not saying it because that’s what I want to happen. Believe me when I say it would
destroy
me if it did, but I’ve said all along this
has
to be
your
decision, and I won’t push you to make one that suits me.”

Fuck, why did he have to say such perfect things to me? As if I wasn’t falling hard enough for him already. My craving for him had made me accept his illness so easily.
Too
easily. The severity of our situation had suddenly dropped on me from a great height, crushing me,
terrifying
me, but not once did I regret sitting here, naked and covered in cum, with him. Yes, his HIV status was serious, and yes, it scared me, but with education and time, I would learn to deal with it. I
had
to. I’d been searching for a purpose in my life and I’d finally found it. Alex was my purpose, my reason for being alive. I’d never given a thought to waking up after going to bed until last night, when, for the first time, I looked forward to waking up just so I could be with him again.

No matter what lay ahead for us, I wasn’t willing to give that up.

Feeling appeased and positive about Dr. Wilson’s visit later, I leaned forward and brushed Alex’s lips with my own. Glancing down, I noticed that when Alex shot his load all over himself some had fallen onto the tidy patch of hair that led a path from his navel to his pubic bone. “You better get that off before it sets in,” I said, playfulness dancing in my voice.

“Wow. What a romantic sentiment to end on.”

“Hey, that proves I care. What kind of man would I be if I left you to let it dry out and get stuck in your hair? It’s painful picking that shit out.”

“Unless I shower. You know, like a normal hygienic person.”

“Fine,” I said, raising my hands and feigning a frown. “I’ll stop looking out for you.”

“Stop sulking. It’ll give you wrinkles.”

“Even wrinkles couldn’t ruin this face,” I teased, smoothing my dry palm across my cheek.

I flopped onto my back, and so did Alex, and for a few seconds we lay in perfect silence. The idea that I should find this situation bizarre continued to peck at my mind, yet the longer I stared at him, the more I found myself wishing I could lie like this with him forever. Everything about him intrigued me, compelled me to him like a magnet. When he wasn’t around it felt like a piece of me was missing, instantly slotting back in to place when he entered the room. I wasn’t sure if I knew the meaning of the word
love
, but if anyone was going to teach me, I couldn’t imagine it being anyone but Alex.

“I don’t know about you but I need to get cleaned up,” I said, wiping the sticky residue from my hand onto my chest.
There’s nothing attractive about sex once it’s over.

“I could go in first and you can join me?” Alex suggested with a sultry smile.

“If I do that we’ll end up all over each other again, and if my dick gets any more friction it’s gonna break out in sores and drop off.”

“We can’t have that. Not with the things I have planned for you.”

Damn.
I couldn’t wait to find out what those were. He’d taken me to heights I didn’t even know existed already. How it would feel to be with him properly, to explore him in the ways he had me, was beyond imagination.

“You take the en-suite, I’ll go down the hall.”

I gave Alex a quick peck on his forehead and rolled out of bed, making my way to the door.

“Matt?” Alex called. I turned to face him. “I’m so happy right now.”

Closing my eyes and concentrating on the rhythmic thud of my pulse in my ears, I answered, “Yeah, me too.”

~Alex~

Once
I’d showered, I headed back to my apartment to grab some clean clothes. I’d been living out of a suitcase for the last few days in the hotel and the jeans I wore had been covering my ass for three days already. I also called my mom before I left. I hadn’t been home for over three years and although we spoke on the phone, the last time was two months ago. She seemed thrilled to hear from me and I frowned as guilt pooled in my stomach. It was the same guilt that forced me to keep my parents at arms length in the first place. I was responsible for the pain and worry that swam around in my mom’s heart when I told her I was HIV positive. We didn’t talk about it anymore but I knew it was there. I could hear it,
feel
it, in her voice.

We talked about work, my dad’s business, and my uncle Barry marrying a woman half his age. She ended the conversation as she always did, by telling me not to wait so long before calling her again, only
this
time I meant it when I said I wouldn’t. Seeing Matt losing his mom, watching him struggle, it made me realize how selfish I’d been for pushing my parents away. I blamed myself for the fact my mom feared my diagnosis meant she was going to lose her only son, and I dealt with that by abandoning her in a different way. I’d neglected
everyone
over the last six years, including myself. I thought it was the only way I could cope, but since Matt chipped his way into my guarded heart I was starting to think I hadn’t been coping at all.

Just…existing.

When I got back to Matt’s place it was almost time for his doctor to arrive. I felt apprehensive as I clambered out of my car. When faced with the cold, hard facts there was every chance they would scare Matt away. It almost broke me seeing the uncertainty in his eyes earlier. I hated putting him in this situation and for the first time in a long while, I fucking despised my disease.

The idea of having to discuss my HIV at all strangled me with nerves. When Corey died I became so damn confused. So angry. At him, myself, the whole freakin’ world. Despite repeated recommendations from my doctor I only attended a couple of my counseling sessions before I dropped out. I was too stubborn, too bitter to take anyone’s advice, certain I could learn to deal with it on my own.

As a result, I’d spent the last six years cutting myself off from people, unable to let anyone get too close. Truth is, I knew Matt was scared and it killed me that I couldn’t help him…because
I
was scared, too. After opening up to Matt last night, and speaking with my mom earlier, it became painfully apparent that I hadn’t come to terms with my diagnosis as well as I’d thought.

Maybe today would be the beginning of a journey toward understanding and acceptance for
both
of us.

When I entered the living area of the vast open-plan ground floor of Matt’s condo, I dropped my backpack next to the reclining chair and stood, utterly confused, next to Matt who, lying flat out on the couch with his arms folded across his chest, continued to stare at the ceiling.

“What are you doing?” I asked, baffled at his lack of acknowledgement to my presence.

“Trying to figure out how to get my pasta down.”

“Huh?” My eyes followed his gaze to the white ceiling and saw, bizarrely, a shell of cooked pasta stuck to it. “Um…why is there pasta on the ceiling?”

“I was trying to catch it in my mouth. Threw it too high. I’ve looked everywhere for something long enough to get it down and all I got was depressed.”

“How high do you actually need to throw it when aiming for your mouth?” I asked, still staring at the ceiling.

“I was trying to challenge myself.”

“And you
cooked
?” That was actually more surprising than the fact he’d been playing games with his food.

“Tried,” he said, scrunching his nose in what looked like disgust. “Tasted like shit. Think I microwaved it too long.”

“You microwaved pasta?”

“How else are you supposed to do it? I’m not a total moron before you say anything. I put water in the bowl, but most of it ended up dryer than a nun’s pussy.”

“That’s it. I’m teaching you how to cook.”

“Oh yeah? You should know my mom already tried. Went in one ear and straight out the other.”

“That’s because you knew she’d keep your freezer stocked with her homemade meals. You didn’t
need
to learn then. Now, if you don’t want to starve to death, you do.”

Matt smiled; a sad smile that pulled on the corners of his eyes. “I still have a beef casserole in there. It’s the last one and…well I just can’t bring myself to eat it.”

I slapped Matt’s ankles, silently telling him to make room for me. He lifted his legs until I sat down and then draped them over my knee. “You’ll never stop missing her,” I said, stroking his leg from knee to ankle. “But it
will
get easier to live with.”

“I keep thinking I wish I’d told her how much I appreciated her, how much I loved her… instead of being a sarcastic ass all the time.”

“She knew,” I assured him. “She absolutely knew.”

“I still need to sort through her things, empty her house. Ashley keeps asking if she can borrow Mom’s photo albums and I can’t hold her off forever.”

“We’ll do it together. Whenever you’re ready.”

“I keep hoping she’ll drop the baby and it’ll make her forget about the damn photos for a while.”

“She’s due soon, right?”

“Friday, I think. I’m happy for her, just not overly looking forward to seeing Asshat Adam again.”

“You should invite her over, or take her to lunch, just the two of you, before the baby’s born.”

“Yeah. I’ve not spoken to her in person since Mom’s funeral, and whenever she calls I know Adam’s with her.”

“You need to make time for her. She’s family.”

“My
only
family now.”

I was about to lean over and hug him, console him, when the security monitor buzzed. Immediately, Matt shot into a sitting position while I stood up and walked over to the screen.

“Think your doc is here.”

Matt joined me at the other side of the room, nodding when he saw the car approaching. I pressed the button to open the gates and Matt combed his hair back with his fingers.

“I’m nervous,” he muttered, his words rushed and flustered. “Why am I so fucking nervous?”

Anchoring my hands on Matt’s hips, I pulled him closer to me, looking straight into his eyes. “Because you’re about to make one of the biggest decisions of your life.”

“No, I’m not,” he said, shaking his head defiantly. “I’ve already made it.”

My heart swelled in my chest as I pressed my lips to his. There was no hesitancy in his kiss. He devoured my mouth like a starving man eating his first meal in months. Blood pooled in my dick, making me groan in frustration when the buzzer sounded again and I had to pull away. Resting his forehead on mine, Matt exhaled a deep sigh, kissed my cheek and then headed for the door. I made my way to the couch, rearranging my junk along the way and hoping it calmed the hell down before Matt and his doctor walked into the room.

Matt entered first, outstretching his arm and offering a seat on the bigger couch for Dr. Wilson. Matt joined me on the smaller couch opposite before introducing us. The doctor reached across the coffee table, proffering his hand, which I shook while offering a weak “Hi.”

“So, Mr. Carter. What can I help you with today?” he asked, setting his briefcase down on the floor in front of him. He looked like a typical old school doctor – the kind you see on TV; older guy, balding, tweed jacket and thick-rimmed glasses.

“I want to talk to you about starting PrEP,” Matt stated without a flinch.

“Okay,” the doctor replied with a hint of surprise in his voice. “I take it you’re in a relationship with a woman who’s tested positive for HIV?”

I’m not sure why, but part of me expected Matt to take the easy route and agree. I mentally scolded myself, pride ballooning in my chest, when Matt immediately replied, “No. I’m in a relationship with Alex.”

Matt looked at me, his eyes piercing mine as he smiled.

“And you’re HIV positive, Alex?”

I could almost see the battle occurring in Dr. Wilson’s head as he fought to remain professional and non-judgmental. Not because I thought he was a homophobe, but because I’d have challenged
anyone
not to be utterly stunned to learn Matt Carter, renowned womanizer and serial man-whore, was in a relationship with another man. Hell, even
I
still struggled to wrap my head around it. “Yes. I was diagnosed six years ago.”

“So I’m right in thinking you’ve both discussed this and think this is the way forward? I’m sorry, I have to ask these things.”

“We have,” I answered. “Although we need more information. The drug wasn’t available when I was diagnosed so I don’t really know much about it.”

“Well,
that
I can help you with. PrEP, or Truvada as we call it, is a combination of two drugs used to treat HIV. Should you come into contact with the virus,” he explained, focusing on Matt. “Truvada helps prevent it taking hold by blocking the pathways HIV uses to set up an infection.”

“Sounds complicated,” Matt said, nervously drumming his fingers against his leg.

“It’s not as important that you know the exact science behind it as it is to know how to use it. It’s only effective if taken daily. You’ll need to get yourself into a strict regime. If you start missing doses, you’ll be putting yourself at greater risk.”

“I understand.” Matt nodded, his expression firm and serious.

“How well does it work?” I questioned. “I’m…” I paused, gathering enough air and courage to be completely honest. “I’m terrified of passing the virus onto him. Can a pill
really
lower the risk?”

“Studies have shown that patients who take it every day reduce their risk of infection by as much as ninety percent.”

“
Ninety?
”

“Of course, there are no guarantees and other precautions should be used simultaneously.”

“Yes of course,” I agreed, feeling somewhat astonished.

“Without a doubt I’d like to refer you to one of our specialist counselors in my clinic, Mr. Carter. They can discuss things in far more detail than I can. They’ll talk to you about the risks, precautions, etcetera.”

“Sure.” Matt nodded. “By precautions, you mean condoms, right?”

“Definitely condoms should still be used alongside the medication. Our counselors will also provide you with information about the different ways you can have sex and the risks associated with each one.”

“It’s not all the same?” Matt didn’t appear even slightly phased.
I
on the other hand, felt the heat tickling my cheeks like an immature teen in sex-ed.

“As an example, oral sex is considered to pose a much lower risk of transmission than anal sex. It decreases even further the lower Alex’s viral load goes. But like I said, there will
always
be a risk of infection and my team at the clinic specialize in this area. They can answer any questions you may have as well as providing emotional support for both of you.”

“Okay, okay,” Matt said, nodding again. “What happens now? Can you prescribe the pills today?”

“I’m afraid I need to test you for HIV first. I can take a blood sample today and you’ll have the results tomorrow. If it’s negative, I’ll write you a prescription.”

I glanced at Matt’s expression and noticed he’d turned a ghostly shade of gray.
Is he having second thoughts?
“Are you okay?”

“I, um…Oh, dear God…”

Clutching the top of his arm, I followed Matt’s gaze until it landed on the needle Dr. Wilson had just removed from his briefcase. The muscles in his arm trembled beneath my fingers and I braced myself, wholly expecting him to pass out. “You don’t like needles?”

“Why do you think I’m the only rockstar in the freakin’ world that doesn’t have tattoos?”

Dr. Wilson waited, setting the needle that was still in the sterile wrap and other necessary equipment down on the table. “I won’t begin until you’re ready, but I should forewarn you that you’ll need a repeat blood test every three months before I can renew your prescription.”

“Just do it,” Matt insisted, squeezing his eyes closed and extending his arm. “Get it over with.”

Without procrastination, Dr. Wilson kneeled in front of Matt and asked him to make a fist while securing a tight band around Matt’s upper arm. I took his free hand, stroking the top of it with my thumb.

“Man the fuck up,” Matt whispered to himself when he heard the sterile wrapper being torn open.

I watched the tip of the needle approach Matt’s arm and started talking in an effort to distract him. “So… have you worked out how to get the pasta off the ceiling yet?”

“Fuck off. I know what you’re doing and it’s not going to work.”