The Manual of Darkness (51 page)

She hails a taxi, gives the driver directions and tells him she’s in a bit of a hurry. She can’t afford to get there after Víctor. For the first few minutes of the journey, she watches what she has filmed on the monitor. She has to congratulate Víctor, he didn’t make a single mistake. When the traffic begins to clear and the taxi overtakes the bus, Alicia leans her head back, closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. That really took it out of her. They made the same journey together two days ago. Without the cane, with Víctor still clinging to her elbow like a limpet. She talked the whole way. Stand like this, listen to that, pay attention to this, ask for that, walk up to here, grab the rail with this hand, no, higher up, get on board, put the cane here. Instructions. Víctor said nothing but complied. It was like carrying a heavy rucksack.

The following day, they did the same journey again, but with one difference: Víctor still stuck to her but this time he was the one who didn’t shut up. When he wasn’t arguing loudly, he was muttering under his breath: Christ, it would be so much easier to take a taxi, for fuck’s sake, it’s not like we even need to go anywhere … He tripped over everything in his path, elbowed people aside and at one point Alicia was afraid that he was going to hit her with his cane.

The third time, he did not make a single mistake, but Alicia was reluctant to set too much store by this. She knows what he is like now. All he really wants is for her to leave him in peace. Some days he will pretend to be unbelievably clumsy, hoping that maybe she will take pity on him, or at least give him a break. If that doesn’t work, he does the exact opposite: he will demonstrate a skill which, far from being encouraging, is all about contempt. It might mean that he is ready to take the bus by himself, that he doesn’t need any more lessons, but it also means he has no intention of ever taking the bus again. There is only one flaw in this strategy: it’s impossible to fake a skill. So whenever Víctor insists on proving he can do something in order to get her to stop showing him how, Alicia chalks up a little victory. Her mission is simply to teach him
how to take the bus; whether or not he ever takes it again has nothing to do with her.

Since he refused even to discuss the possibility of doing the same journey without a guide, they came to an agreement. She would go with him, but she would simply follow and be ready to intervene if necessary. They decided to try the strategy out the same day on the bus back, and everything seemed to be going well until, as he was boarding the bus, Víctor dropped his cane. Instead of bending down and feeling around using the techniques which he had mastered perfectly in their first week, he started waving his arms around wildly to stop himself being trampled. One person did yell at him, but the real problem was the two girls who immediately bent down to help him find it. Víctor felt something brush against his leg and lashed out with his feet as though he were being attacked by a wild boar. Alicia had had to put her arms around him and forcibly move him away from the door. Only after she had had to listen to his hysterical ranting about how she should have intervened earlier did she manage to calm him.

As she leans back in the taxi, it occurs to her that the real miracle was that he was prepared to try again the following day. She congratulates herself on her powers of persuasion, although it wasn’t easy. If everything is going to plan, Víctor is now standing next to the middle doors, holding on to the rail and counting the stops. In fact, all he needs to do is ask someone to let him know when they get to his stop. People are usually happy to help the blind. It’s not unusual to find those who will go out of their way to help. But Víctor refuses to ask for help. Alicia does not know whether this is out of pride, shyness or insecurity, but she tries to take advantage of the fact – for as long as Víctor refuses to ask other people for help, he has no choice but to learn to take care of himself. At this rate, he will turn out to be the perfect blind person. A little rude, a little lonely, but perfect.

She pays the driver, gets out and stands inside the bus shelter, camera at the ready. Everything went so well yesterday that, as soon as they arrived, Alicia said:

‘Tomorrow you’ll do it by yourself. I’ll wait for you here. Eleven o’clock.’

‘You might end up waiting all day,’ he said.

‘Fine, I’ll take that risk …’

The bus is approaching. Alicia gets the camera ready. The doors open and the first thing she sees on the monitor is the white cane, perfectly perpendicular to the ground. He finds the step, then moves the cane forward to make sure there are no obstacles in front of him. Next his feet appear on the screen. Ten out of ten, Víctor. The doors close, the bus moves off and Víctor stands, motionless, on the road. Alerted by the noise of traffic, Alicia looks up from the camera and is about to shout to him to get off the road when he taps the cane to find the kerb, steps up on to the pavement and, shrugging his shoulders, says:

‘Right. Well, now I’ve learned to get around by bus.’

Which means: if you like, we can move on to something equally pointless.

There are three steps between them. She stands, staring at him. She could kill him. She could kiss him.

For an instant, Víctor thinks that Alicia is not at the bus stop. Only for a fraction of a second, but in that moment she can see the fear in his eyes. She calls to him even before she turns off the camera.

‘I’m right here, Víctor.’

‘I was saying, now that I’ve learned …’

‘No, Víctor. You’ve learned how to get on and off a bus, that’s not the same as being able to travel. Nobody takes a bus just to take the same one back. You take the bus because there’s somewhere you want to go. Remember the café where we had a drink with Galván?’

‘Of course. It’s on this street, same side, two blocks farther along.’

‘Tomorrow, I’ll wait for you there.’

‘Aren’t you going to congratulate me?’

‘Tomorrow, tomorrow …’

‘Will it always be like this?’

‘What?’

‘Is there always something left to be learned tomorrow?’

He is speaking in a low voice, but the words are like a scream: is this hell going to go on for ever?

‘No, Víctor. There will come a day when it’s complete.’

And that day is not far off, though neither of them says this. They stand in silence. To reach that goal will be a triumph, but even to think about it is sad. For both of them.

T
hey both spent the first half-hour with their ears pressed to the door, listening for the slightest whisper, but some time ago, feeling a little calmer, they decided to sit on the landing outside the door. From time to time, Alicia reaches up and hits the timer switch on the light. Everything is fine. The silence is tense, but they have relaxed their vigil somewhat because Víctor, like anyone else when they’re talking to a child of that age, is speaking about an octave higher than usual, in a sing-song voice which means they can work out what is going on inside the apartment as easily as if they were watching it happen. Alicia clings to the copies she had made of the keys and the knowledge that they can let themselves in if they need to is reassuring.

Inside, they seem to be drawing. That’s lovely, Víctor exclaims from time to time. Draw a circle for me. Irina stares at the door. Alicia closes her eyes so she can translate what she is hearing into pictures. They must be sitting on the floor, since there’s no table. She visualises Darius holding the Parker pen. Where did they get the paper from? Maybe they’re drawing on the sofa. It doesn’t matter. What’s that? She hears, Mickey? Oh, Mickey Mouse. Silly me, I should have recognised him. Can you draw Pluto for me? You know who Pluto is? When they hear Darius’s whispered replies, Alicia opens her eyes and looks at Irina to make sure everything is OK. The boy uses one Spanish word for every two or three in Romanian. He has just said something. What? What do you want, Darius?

Alicia would like to be able to make the most of this silence to talk to Irina. She wants to thank her, obviously. She could never have pulled off her plan without her help. Irina had arrived at twelve on the dot as they had arranged, and performed her role
with the skill of an accomplished actress. I need leave Darius with you, she said as soon as Víctor said hello, as though she were in a desperate hurry. Neighbour she go holiday. No have no one to babysit. I be quick. Come straight back. Then, following Alicia’s instructions to the letter, she pre-empted any misgivings Víctor might have had by rattling off a list of instructions: in this bag is nappies and baby wipes, cookies here. Here, touch. Alicia had insisted that Irina get Víctor to touch everything so he would feel more confident. Irina had to leave immediately, thank you, Víctor, thank you, and having thrust Darius into his arms, whispering something reassuring to him in Romanian, she had rushed out. Alicia heard everything from her position on the landing. When the door opened, she held her breath, careful not to make the slightest sound, nothing that might reveal her presence. Trying to be a spirit. But she had her eyes open. And, seeing the expression of puzzled gentleness with which Víctor cradled Darius in his arms, she swallowed hard and thought that everything was going to be fine.

‘Water?’ She hears Víctor’s voice. ‘Come on … What do you say? Something to …? Something to …?’

‘Dink!’ She hears the boy’s voice.

‘That’s right. Here you go, drink. What do you say, Darius? Thank you, you say thaaaaank you.’ It’s magnificent. He’s not only keeping the boy amused, he’s trying to teach him. An altruistic act. More than she could have hoped for. Irina cannot possibly understand how much this means, but Alicia can. She is not about to tell her about ants and solitary wasps, but she can imagine the cracking sound as the amber shatters. The plan is working.

There is a burst of laughter from Darius, followed by a silence, then a louder laugh. And another. Tickles, thinks Alicia. The two women smile. Then they hear footsteps coming closer. They must be in the hallway. Darius is running up and down. Víctor chases him, catches him and covers him with noisy kisses then lets him go again. Until Darius starts to cry. ‘It’s all right, it’s OK,’ Víctor’s voice reassures him. ‘You fell down, but you’re not hurt.’ ‘Yes, hurts,’ the boy whimpers. The two women quickly get to their feet. Irina gestures for Alicia to give her the keys but Alicia clasps her hands together: please, let’s just wait for a moment, it’s nothing
serious. Víctor’s voice says the words ‘It’s nothing serious, Darius. Show me … Where did you hurt yourself? Here? All right, Víctor will kiss it better. There you are, you’re OK now.’ Darius has stopped crying and whimpers, ‘Me hungry.’ The voices move away but a minute later comes the sound of Darius laughing. Irina and Alicia sit down again.

Perhaps now is the moment to bring the experiment to a close. Irina can go downstairs and press the buzzer on the intercom as though she has just arrived. The idea was that, for the first time in a long while, Víctor would have no one to look after him, but he would have to look after someone else. A moral obligation to attend to someone else’s needs. Has it been enough? How long does one have to be exposed to other people to forget oneself? Does she need to repeat the experiment? Would Irina be prepared to let her?

Put your hand here. Víctor’s voice sounds as though it is extremely close, just on the other side of the door. The bastard, Alicia thinks, the arrogant bastard. They both get to their feet. ‘Over here, Darius, I can’t put your coat on if you don’t help me. Come on, we’re going to go out.’ Alicia is the first to react. She grabs Irina’s elbow, presses a finger to her lips asking her to remain quiet and pulls her away from the door. They barely have time to make it up to the next landing before the door opens. They lean over the banister carefully so Darius will not see them. Víctor is carrying Darius with one arm. He is holding a cheese and ham sandwich in his teeth, like a hunting dog reluctant to give up its prey. With his free hand, he closes the door, then he pats his trouser pocket to make sure he has his keys. Other way round, Alicia thinks, and cannot help shaking her head. The other way round, Víctor, first you check to make sure you have your keys, then you close the door. There’s no point otherwise. She’s told him a hundred times.

‘Here, take this. It’s bread, honey. Bread and ham. You like ham?’ Darius accepts the sandwich and takes a bite. Although his feet seem to know the precise distance of every step, Víctor keeps his left hand on the banister at all times, and brushes his right shoulder against the wall. They leave a trail of breadcrumbs as they go, all the way down to the entrance.

Irina is about to push Alicia out of the way, but there’s no need. They both dash down the stairs, two at a time, and when they get out on to the street, they stop dead. About five yards away, Víctor is walking with long, slow strides as though he needs to steel himself at every step. He manoeuvres the cane with his left hand, his right holding on tightly to Darius, who trots along beside him – or rather, one pace ahead, as though trying to guide him. The child’s steps – four little hops for each of Víctor’s strides – follow the strict, steady rhythm of the tapping of the cane. Regular as a metronome set to
andante
. Rather than looking at them, Alicia, ever the professional, runs her gaze quickly along the pavement to the first corner. There is no imminent danger, no scaffolding, no dogs, no motorbikes parked on the pavement, no group coming the other way, and what few pedestrians there are, alerted by the white cane, step to one side even before they reach Víctor.

They are so close that Alicia does not dare speak. She gestures to Irina to move back a few steps, whispers in her ear: ‘I’ll go after them, Irina. I promise you everything is going to be fine. I just don’t want Darius to see you.’ By the time Víctor gets to the corner, Alicia is on his left, walking one step behind, focused on the impossible task of mentally controlling his every step. She counts the sounds: tap, tap, step, tap. When she comes to the crossing, having checked that there are no cars coming, she crosses in front of them, tapping her heels hard against the road surface to let Víctor know it is safe to cross. She turns and watches him, lets him walk past her and waits for Irina. She is not worried now. The little square is a pedestrian zone and Alicia, who knew at once where Víctor was heading, takes a deep breath.