The Marriage Wish (15 page)

She shouldn’t have come.

Jennifer watched Scott in the backyard of Heather and Frank’s home playing with six kids and four puppies and felt the joy of the last month disappear.

She shouldn’t have come. There was no denying reality any longer. In a month of loving him, she had conveniently been ignoring one very obvious fact. Scott was going to want to have kids. Heather stopped beside her at the dining room table, smiled with her at the antics outside. “The kids are having a great time with the puppies.” Greg had invited four of his school friends over for the party.

“Yes. They are all having a great time,” Jennifer agreed. She was trying her best to not think about how pregnant Heather was. She liked Scott’s sister a lot. Heather was a wealth of stories about Scott, and Jennifer wasn’t above looking for information. Heather’s due date was only two weeks away now, and as much as Jennifer liked her, she was doing her best not to think about the baby. Jennifer felt Heather look over at her and forced herself to shift back to a carefree appearance. “Can I help with the cake?”

“Mom is finding the candles. Then it’s just a matter of calling the kids inside,” Heather replied. They watched the antics in the backyard for a few more moments, then Heather slid open the patio door and stepped outside to call everyone in for cake.

Scott’s mom joined Jennifer and smiled at the scene in the backyard. “I don’t know who is enjoying themselves more, Scott or the kids. Amy and Greg are both having a great time.”

Jennifer turned to smile at Margaret. Scott’s mom had made her feel welcome from the moment she had walked in the door, and Jennifer was relieved. Margaret had looked
at the way Scott had his arm around her, looked at the expression on Scott’s face, and when she’d turned to look at Jennifer the deck had already been stacked in her favor. “Scott does seem to like kids,” Jennifer said after a moment, dreading the second confirmation and knowing she had to hear it.

“That he does. He’ll make a good father.”

Jennifer nodded but didn’t reply.

Scott came inside with the children, carrying his niece, Amy, in one arm and Quigley in the other, laughing over something Amy had told him. Jennifer smiled when Scott reached her, took the offered Quigley. Amy looked so right in his arms. The little girl had her arms around Scott’s neck and was clearly very pleased to be where she was. Amy had been at the door to meet them, been hoisted up by her uncle Scott for a smooch and had given Jennifer a wide grin and asked Scott if this was his girlfriend, like Jeff was her boyfriend. Scott had frowned and had wanted to know when he had been bumped as her boyfriend, and Amy had just giggled and explained that Scott didn’t have a hamster and Jeff did.

Quigley chose that moment to stick his nose in her face, and Jennifer laughed and shifted him around so he could rest like a football in her arms. She loved this puppy. Scott hoisted Amy into one of the chairs and came back to join Jennifer. He stepped out of the way by standing behind her. He draped his arms around her waist, rested his chin against her shoulder. “How do you like my parents?” he whispered in her ear.

“I like them both,” she whispered back. His dad had given her a hug and told her to make sure Scott behaved himself, that he was dangerous at birthday parties.

The dining room table was set with party decorations,
streamers, balloons, party napkins and cups. After “Happy Birthday” was sung, the candles blown out, the cake was cut and passed around. Since Jennifer was still holding Quigley, Scott shared his piece with her. Jennifer giggled when he got icing on her chin. “Hold still,” Scott warned as he lowered his head. She knew he had done it deliberately so he would have an excuse to kiss her.

“Don’t you dare,” she whispered fiercely. She didn’t mind his family seeing them holding hands. Kissing was another matter. Scott grinned and rubbed the icing off with his finger instead.

“Scott, would you and Jennifer like some ice cream to go with that cake?” His mom’s question had a touch of laughter in it. Jennifer blushed.

“Thanks, Mom, but I think we’re okay with just the cake,” Scott replied, not minding the question and not looking away from Jennifer. He hadn’t seen this shade of pink before. It was quite endearing.

It was late. After midnight. Jennifer tossed another wadded tissue toward the bathroom trash can. She was sitting in the tub, crying her eyes out, and she was beginning to get mad.

Scott was going to want to have children.

What was she going to do?

She had tried to call Beth, but her friend wasn’t home, and she didn’t want to call Rachel. Not yet. Rachel would talk to Peter, and Peter would want to put his arms around her and fix it, and when he couldn’t it would make him more sad, and Jennifer knew her brother had already carried more pain than any man should ever be expected to carry. The memory of his face as a pallbearer for Colleen was the last
pain she ever wanted to cause him. The whole problem was the fact this couldn’t be fixed.

It was a horrible dilemma. She was in love with him. But even the idea of having children petrified her. Jennifer couldn’t think about children without thinking about the hospital, the doctors, the fear. The funeral. Colleen had struggled so hard to live. Jennifer didn’t have the strength to risk losing another child.

How could she think about marrying Scott, when she knew she was going to deny him the fulfillment of his dream? She couldn’t risk having another child. Not even for Scott. She was petrified of the idea. The tears came harder, and Jennifer gave up trying to stop them. She felt as if her heart was breaking. She loved him. And she was going to have to give him up.

Jennifer finally got hold of her friend Beth early the next morning. If anyone was going to be able to help her sort through what she had to do, it was Beth. Jennifer had reached the horrible conclusion that her only option was to say goodbye to Scott and not see him anymore. “Beth, could I fly out and see you and Les for a few days?” Jennifer asked when her friend answered the phone. Twenty minutes later, she stepped into a cab for a ride to the airport.

Scott paced the corridor of the airport terminal, waiting for Jennifer’s flight to get in. To say he’d been surprised when she called from South Dakota was to understate his reaction. He had been trying to reach her for two days when she had called. Something was wrong. Jennifer hadn’t said anything on the phone, only that she was visiting a friend, but Scott didn’t need to be told that something had
sent her running. Jennifer was not the type to simply up and leave without a reason.

Her flight finally landed, twenty minutes late. Scott was standing at the gate as the passengers entered the terminal. He saw her immediately. She looked exhausted, her eyes dark, her expression weary and sad.

“Hi, Jen.” He took her carry-on bag and wondered if she would accept a hug. She removed the uncertainty by stepping forward to hug him. “Thanks for coming, Scott.”

Okay. Whatever was wrong, it was at least going to be fixable. Scott held her tight, grateful to have her back. She’d scared him leaving like that and he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Have you eaten yet?”

“Yes. The food on the plane was not too bad.”

“Let’s get your luggage then, and I’ll take you home.” He kept an arm around her as they walked down the terminal to the baggage claims area. “How’s Beth?”

“Beth is fine. I’m glad I went. The phone simply doesn’t do a close friendship justice.” Jennifer pointed out her one bag. Scott got her luggage and led her out to the car.

“Jen, why did you go?” Scott asked after several minutes of silence in the car. He had debated whether he wanted to ask the question or not, he was afraid of the answer, but he found the need to know was stronger than the fear.

“I needed to talk about Colleen,” Jennifer finally replied. She turned and looked at him. “Beth knows the terrain. She lost a son in a drunk driving accident.”

“How did it go?”

“Okay.” Jennifer gave a half smile. “I cried a lot. Be glad you were not there.”

Scott reached over and grasped her hand. “Don’t. Don’t hide the pain, Jen. It matters that you let me be part of this recovery.”

She squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry. I know you want to help.” Jennifer bit her lip. “I’m scared of having children again, Scott. Really, really scared.”

His eyes closed briefly. No. Not this. Anything but this. He had been afraid she felt that way about children, but had hoped time had made her feelings less intense. Scott urged her over to sit beside him so he could put his arm around her. “It must be a very frightening idea to consider, after what happened with Colleen.” His voice was husky, and he found it hard to speak. He could tell how much pain Jen was in, and he was sharing it. They had to be able to have children together. They had to.

“I keep remembering the hospital delivery room and the neonatal intensive care and the way she didn’t breathe. The image is frozen in my mind.”

Scott felt Jennifer take a deep breath. “I’m getting past the fear. I’ve got to. That’s one of the reasons I went to see Beth.”

Scott heard the determination in her voice and was so grateful she was working to heal. “What can I do to help?” he asked huskily, willing to do anything he could.

Jennifer eased her hand more firmly into Scott’s. She loved him. She could do this. She could face having children again. Beth had helped make that choice clear. If she wanted a life with Scott, she was going to face her fears and deal with them. The bottom-line conclusion was simple. She loved Scott too much to let him go. A week with a friend who knew she could do it had helped make that decision possible. “Just be there, Scott. I’m going to beat this fear,” she replied.

“Do you need a jacket?” he asked. Jennifer had on a sweatshirt, but the breeze off the lake was cool tonight.

“No, I’m fine,” Jennifer replied. She had been home a
week since she’d gone to see Beth, and her courage to at least consider children was still intact. She had begun to think about the possibility more, had actually got up the nerve to go into the room that had been set up as Colleen’s nursery and sit for a while. Scott had invited her to his place for dinner and a walk on the beach tonight. She thought it was a good sign that he had let her drive over instead of coming to pick her up. The laughter of the last month had disappeared and been replaced with something more serious, more intense. The fun of a friendship was still there, but there were larger issues in front of them now, and they both knew it.

“Did you get much done on the book today?” Scott asked quietly as they began their walk along the beach, Quigley racing out ahead of them.

“I wrote about six pages. A moderately good day, I guess. I normally want to write about ten. How was work?”

Scott smiled. “Every problem in the entire company seemed to come across my desk today,” he replied. “I was glad I had tonight to look forward to.”

“Dinner was very good.” He had made a thick beef stew.

He hugged her. “You’re willing to taste my experiments. That must be one of the signs of a good friend.”

“If you make something really bad, I probably will have to tell you,” Jennifer replied with a smile. She bent down and found a smooth rock, sent it skipping over the water. “You must love having the water so close.”

“I do. It is a very peaceful walk.” Quigley chose that moment to coming running back to stop beside them, tail wagging, proceeding to shake all the sand off his coat. “Quigley, behave yourself,” Scott said sternly, having to hide his grin. The puppy just nudged his leg. “If you find a
stick, I’ll throw it,” Scott told the dog. Quigley took off down the beach again.

They had not talked directly about children since the car ride back from the airport. Jennifer did not want to broach the subject, and Scott fully intended to give her all the time she needed.

They walked back to the house forty minutes later, holding hands.

Jennifer found Quigley’s brush and began to brush the sand out of his hair while Scott went to check for any messages.

“Jennifer.” She looked up to see Scott in the patio doorway. “Heather has been admitted, in labor. Mom’s message said they are planning to do the C-section at 7:00 p.m. That’s just about now.”

Jennifer felt part of her stomach drop. She wasn’t ready for this kind of test yet. Not yet. She let Quigley climb from her lap and got up and dusted off her jeans. “Since my car is here, let’s both drive to the hospital,” she said, getting a firm grip on her courage.

Scott came to join her, tilting up her chin so he could see her eyes. “Are you sure?” he asked, worried.

Jennifer forced a smile. “I’m sure. Let me get my purse, and we can be on our way.”

Scott hesitated, then nodded. “All right. I’ll lock up the house.”

Jennifer followed him to the hospital. If it had been the same hospital as where she had had Colleen, Jennifer would never have turned into the parking lot. As it was, she pulled in and parked beside Scott and found her hands were damp with sweat.

They walked across the parking lot to the main entrance of the hospital, followed the signs to the elevators that
would take them to the fourth floor and maternity. Jennifer suddenly balked when the elevators opened and Scott moved to step inside. “I can’t do this.” She shook her head wildly, feeling the panic. She had spent too much time in her past on a maternity ward floor, in the intensive care. She couldn’t go up there. The hospital smell was already making her stomach churn. She couldn’t go up there and wait for a baby to be born. What if she were bad luck and the baby died?

Scott grabbed her in a bear hug, stopping a panicked flight. “Easy. Jen, it’s okay. We’re not going up there,” he said firmly. She was shaking uncontrollably. “Come on.” He walked her toward the hospital doors, waving aside a concerned front desk attendant and got her outside. He found them a private alcove where he could lean against a pillar and hold her.

She started to calm down. “Scott, I’m so sorry. I thought I could do this.” She was crying, and he found a handkerchief and carefully wiped her eyes.