The Masquerade (37 page)

"Tell me something." I paused, unable to look at him. He waited silently. "Is part of your rock star persona getting the
gullible teenage girl to fall in love with you or is it so you can sleep with her?" I finished acerbically, my eyes sliced to his.

A singe of pain morphed into his gaze, but it was gone before I could truly identify it. He clenched his jaw as though he was holding
something back. He looked down. His silence engulfed me like a poison that spread to my heart, icing it to the core. He had nothing to say to me. That was an answer in itself.

"Congratulations, you scored the package. You got in
the small town nobody's pants and stole her heart." I was feeling brazen. I had to hear myself say it, for closure.

His eyes shot to mine and for a moment I saw something flash
behind them that made me believe he was going to respond with the answer my broken heart yearned for, that my chest ached for.

He blinked and whatever I saw behind his eyes was gone. "I never wanted to hurt you, Ella." His eyes bore intently into mine
when I met his gaze. I shook my head, unable to find words. I needed to get out of there. I moved around him and walked to the bridge. It pained me with every step, feeling my heart rip out of my chest.

"Are you okay to walk to your car?" I thought I
heard concern in his voice, but it was masked and I didn't want to decipher it.

I made it halfway up the bridge when I turned to face him. "Don't worry about me, Ben. I'm fine. I'll be even better when you leave
and I never see you again." I didn't mean it and he knew it. I hoped my words would take a stab at him, but he appeared unharmed. He only gave an accepting nod. He didn't care.

"I didn't think it would turn out like this." He managed
to mutter. I wanted to believe there was a hidden meaning in his message, but his eyes gave away nothing but danger and darkness, like the first day I met him.

"Your excuses need some work, Ben."

"It's the only one I have." He said, his voice low.

The first tear fell to my cheek, revealing the sadness and betraying my mask of anger, but I didn't bother to wipe it away. His eyes
caught the drop before it slipped over my cheek and hit the one of the wooden planks below me.

I exhaled, my eyes hardened, despite the tears that glistened. "I guess that's it then."

His voice grew farther and farther away, although I made no
attempt to leave. "You deserve a happy ending, Ella." My name was dead on his tongue. It was no longer a blanket of comfort or relief. I didn't feel the excitement when I would respond with his name. It rang gravely in my
ears like a treacherous sound that needed to be killed.

"Sure," I mumbled, thinking he just ruined the only ending of my life that could have been happy. It pained me to the core,
knowing he took that from me. "Goodbye, Ben."

It took him a moment to respond. I waited to leave until he spoke. Even if hearing my name in his voice was suddenly an awful sound, I needed to hear it once more. To know that whatever we had was real, at least to
me.

"Goodbye, Ella."

That was the last memory I needed of him. It didn't matter how much I hated him on the outside. I would never be the same. I would never
feel the same way I felt for Ben with anyone else. I always believed everyone lived with a curse, whether it was internal or external. That was mine.

His blue eyes, chipped with ice, met mine for the last time. His face was empty, but his eyes contained something more, feigned remorse. I
didn't matter, because I didn't care anymore. I broke our gaze and turned away. Every step pulled me further and further away from my broken heart. I longed for its return, but it stayed behind, shattered in Ben's hands. When I reached
the woods, I dared myself to look over my shoulder. A chilling pain stabbed my chest when my eyes rested on the spot where he stood moments ago. My eyes searched the inland, but he was gone, my heart along with him.

There's a small playground located on the outskirts of
Covington. When my father left Noah brought me to the park every day. For weeks it was the only place I could be without crying. I cried in the absence of a man, whose memory I no longer have. Noah took care of me until I forgot what it
was like to have a dad because I had something better. I had a big brother.

I'm there now sitting on a swing. My hands grip the smooth worn iron rings linked together that hold me steady. My converses dig into the
mulch so that I'm no longer moving back and forth. I sway from side to side, becoming one with the emptiness that consumes the forgotten park.

There's a sidewalk that runs through the park. My eyes follow it as I picture my small hand in my brother's larger one. I'm wearing a
yellow dress with large sunflowers sewn into the fabric. My sun-kissed blonde hair is tied back into two braids. Beams of sunlight shine against my hair and highlight the pieces that resemble gold.

Noah is eleven or twelve. Even at that age his hair is a dusty blonde, nose specked with tiny freckles, and dimples pinching his cheeks. I suddenly rip my hand from his and run in the opposite direction. My footsteps quicken when I discovered he's about to unleash the tickle monster. I skip through the tall grass, my sundress is stuck between my legs and it makes it difficult for me to run as fast. My brother catches me quickly and my squeals of laughter ring in my ears as the image slowly disappears, along with my
smile, when I realize I'm alone.

The sunlight disappears and thunder claps above me. I should be going home where my mom is waiting to bombard me with prom dress magazines. I already told her I wasn't going to prom, but she likes to pretend. I don't
get up from the swing even when my phone beeps. I know it's one of my three best friends and I already know they're asking what I want to do tonight. Hayley and Shiloh want me to shop with them for dresses, but I can't bring
myself to go. My mind would only trail off to memories I couldn't burn.

When I start to think of
him
a door closes in my mind and the feelings, the pain, the loss, it all goes away. For months I numbed the
pain until I was eventually made of stone. I'm not a walking human body without an actual being inside of me. I'm simply different. I no longer bleed of ecstatic joy or giggle uncontrollably to ease the tension. I smile when appropriate and joke when my cue is given. See I now wear a mask, to hide the
vulnerable girl I once was.

My friends are worried about me. They know I've changed. They think it is due to a certain rock star that dumped me months ago. They aren't wrong. There is a large, gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to
be. Where
he
used to be. There's simply more to it than that.

Months ago, if someone were to ask me if zombies were real I would laugh and pretend to bite them. Now I would respond with one simple word.
Yes. The world is a much scarier place than I was brought up to believe. I used to live on the bright side, walk on sunshine, the whole nine yards. But the world is haunted in a way that I refuse to hide. I will not bite my tongue if I
can warn a few future victims, even it means raising hell. Maybe what this world needs is a little more chaos.

There is a monster in every human. Mine is waiting to be unleashed, praying for my last breath to be taken from me. I can feel her
inside of me, chomping at the bit. I hate her and I hope she never sees the light of day.

I'm supposed to fear anything or anyone that can bring me harm, but I refuse. I am human and I will die. I may come back and I may not.
My fate is out of my hands, but I refuse to let it fall into anyone else's. I will not become a monster.

My phone beeps from the inside of my pocket again. I exhale and decide it's time to put on my mask. I stand up and the swing bumps against
the back of my thighs. At the new angle something catches my eye. I freeze and my hair blows into my face as the wind picks up.

My wary eyes travel to a nearby tree. A little girl stands beside it. Her long brown ringlets are pulled back into pigtails with baby blue ribbons tied into bows at the start of each pigtail that holds it in place. Her light blue and white dress with a cross-striped pattern engulfs her small frame. Her shimmering red shoes capture my stare and I hold my breath.

Her haunting black eyes are focused on me. She finds that I finally notice and she gives me an innocent smile. My stomach churns, but I do not fear her. I know what she is now. She bends her neck to the side and raises
a closed fist above it imitating a hanging. An execution. She
is
death.

"I'm dead," she says. "Are you dead too?"

I stare at her. Her words make sense now. She knows what I
have the ability to become. Suddenly, she smiles and shakes her head. The angelic childlike manner seeps back into her voice as she resumes the part of a little girl.

"Not yet," she chimes.

When I blink she's gone. The wind carries her laughter that still remains in the air. I whirl around in search of the girl, but it doesn't take me long to realize I'm alone once more. My hands run through my hair before they fall to my sides. I force myself to face the conclusion that I knew
all along.

"It's not over."

"Smoke 'Em If Ya Got 'Em" Parkway Drive

"Another Day In This House" Def Havana

"Everybody Loves Me" OneRepublic

"Wasting Away" Tonight Alive

"Youth and Whiskey" Black Veil Brides

"The Rise" Oh, Sleeper

"Desolate[the Conductor]" Woe Is Me

"Born This Way" Lady Gaga

"Grenade" Memphis May Fire

"Bones" Young Guns

"Violence" A Day To Remember

"Cola" Lana Del Rey

"Iris" Sleeping With Sirens

"Degausser" Brand New

"Vengeance" Woe Is Me

"Blacklist" Bring Me The Horizon

"Outnumbered" The Devil Wears Prada

"Breathless" Asking Alexandria

"Devil's Whorehouse" The Misfits

"Miles Away" Memphis May Fire

"Lilith" Chelsea Grin

"Lollipop" Framing Hanley

"Chelsea Smile" Bring Me The Horizon

"Karma" Parkway Drive

"White Washed" August Burns Red

"Vessels" Memphis May Fire

Thank you to all my friends and family for listening to my constant babble about Ella's story and for feeding into my characters
personalities.

Thank you Aunt Kathy for designing the cover. I can't imagine it looking any cooler than it already does.

Thank you to Alex Baum, for bringing Ben Sloane to life and giving him a face. You're an amazing cover model.

On that note, thank you Nancy Stack for finding me Alex and for the killer haircuts.

I have to give a special thank you to my mom for reading and editing my story without complaints. And just for being the coolest, most
wonderful mother I could ever ask for. You're my superhero for dealing with three teenage daughters and our hissy fits. I hope someday to be, at least half the woman you are.

And finally, thank you Ella Grace Barnes. You are always my
inspiration. I love you.