The Meaning of Liff (5 page)

LAMLASH (n.)

The folder on hotel dressing-tables full of astoundingly dull information.

LARGOWARD (n.)

Motorists' name for the kind of pedestrian who stands beside a main road and waves on the traffic, as if it's their right of way.

LE TOUQUET (n.)

A mere nothing, an unconsidered trifle, a negligible amount. Un touquet is often defined as the difference between the cost of a bottle of gin bought in an off-licence and one bought in a duty-free shop.

LIFF (n.)

A book, the contents of which are totally belied by its cover. For instance, any book the dust jacket of which bears the words. 'This book will change your life'.

LIMERIGG (vb.)

To jar one's leg as the result of the disappearance of a stair which isn't there in the darkness.

LINDISFARNE (adj.)

Descriptive of the pleasant smell of an empty biscuit tin.

LISTOWEL (n.)

The small mat on the bar designed to be more absorbent than the bar, but not as absorbent as your elbows.

LITTLE URSWICK (n.)

The member of any class who most inclines a teacher towards the view that capital punishment should be introduced in schools.

LLANELLI (adj.)

Descriptive of the waggling movement of a person's hands when shaking water from them or warming up for a piece of workshop theatre.

LOCHRANZA (n.)

The long unaccomplished wail in the middle of a Scottish folk song where the pipes nip around the corner for a couple of drinks.

LONGNIDDRY (n.)

A droplet which persists in running out of your nose.

LOSSIEMOUTH (n.)

One of those middle-aged ladies with just a hint of a luxuriant handlebar moustache.

LOUTH (n.)

The sort of man who wears loud check jackets, has a personalised tankard behind the bar and always gets served before you do.

LOW ARDWELL (n.)

Seductive remark made hopefully in the back of a taxi.

LOW EGGBOROUGH (n.)

A quiet little unregarded man in glasses who is building a new kind of atomic bomb in his garden shed.

LOWER PEOVER (n.)

Common solution to the problems of a humby (q.v.)

LOWESTOFT (n.)

(a) The balls of wool which collect on nice new sweaters. (b) The correct name for 'navel fluff'.

LOWTHER (vb.)

(Of a large group of people who have been to the cinema together.) To stand aimlessly about on the pavement and argue about whatever to go and eat either a Chinese meal nearby or an Indian meal at a restaurant which somebody says is very good but isn't certain where it is, or have a drink and think about it, or just go home, or have a Chinese meal nearby - until by the time agreement is reached everything is shut.

LUBCROY (n.)

The telltale little lump in the top of your swimming trunks which tells you you are going to have to spend half an hour with a safety pin trying to pull the drawstring out again.

LUDLOW (n.)

A wad of newspaper, folded tablenapkin or lump of cardboard put under a wobbly table or chair to make it stand-up straight. It is perhaps not widely known that air-ace Sir Douglas Bader used to get about on an enormous pair of ludlows before he had his artificial legs fitted.

LUFFENHAM (n.)

Feeling you get when the pubs aren't going to be open for another fortyfive minutes and the luffness in beginning to wear a bit thin.

LUFFNESS (n.)

Hearty feeling that comes from walking on the moors with gumboots and cold ears.

LULWORTH (n.)

Measure of conversation. A lulworth defines the amount of the length, loudness and embarrassment of a statement you make when everyone else in the room unaccountably stops talking at the same time.

LUPPITT (n.)

The piece of leather which hangs off the bottom of your shoe before you can be bothered to get it mended.

LUSBY (n.)

The fold of flesh pushing forward over the top of a bra which is too small for the lady inside it.

LUTON (n.)

The horseshoe-shaped rug which goes around a lavatory seat.

LYBSTER (n., vb.)

The artificial chuckle in the voice-over at the end of a supposedly funny television commercial.

LYDIARD TREGOZE (n.)

The opposite of a mavis enderby (q.v.) An unrequited early love of your life who still causes terrible pangs though she inexplicably married a telephone engineer.

MAARUIG (n.)

The inexpressible horror experienced on walking up in the morning and remembering that you are Andy Stewart.

MAENTWROG (n. Welsh)

The height by which the top of a wave exceeds the heigh to which you have rolled up your trousers.

MALIBU (n.)

The height by which the top of a wave exceeds the height to which you have rolled up your trousers.

MANKINHOLES (pl.n.)

The small holes in a loaf of bread which give rise to the momentary suspicion that something may have made its home within.

MAPLEDURHAM (n.)

A hideous piece of chipboard veneer furniture bought in a suburban high street furniture store and designed to hold exactly a year's supply of Sunday colour supplements.

MARGATE (n.)

A margate is a particular kind of commissionaire who sees you every day and is on cheerful Christian-name terms with you, then one day refuses to let you in because you've forgotten your identify card.

MARKET DEEPING (participial vb.)

Stealing one piece of fruit from a street fruit-and- vegetable stall.

MARLOW (n.)

The bottom drawer in the kitchen your mother keeps her paper bags in.

MARYTAVY (n.)

A person to whom, under dire injunctions of silence, you tell a secret which you wish to be fare more widely known.

MASSACHUSETTS (pl.n.)

Those items and particles which people who, after blowing their noses, are searching for when they look into their hankies.

MATCHING GREEN (adj.)

(Of neckties.) Any colour which Nigel Rees rejects as unsuitable for his trousers or jacket.

MAVIS ENDERBY (n.)

The almost-completely-forgotten girlfriend from your distant past for whom your wife has a completely irrational jealousy and hatred.

MEATH (adj.)

Warm and very slightly clammy. Descriptive of the texture of your hands after the automatic drying machine has turned itself off, just damp enough to make it embarrassing if you have to shake hands with someone immediately afterwards.

MEATHOP (n.)

One who sets off for the scene of an aircraft crash with a picnic hamper.

MEETH (n.)

Something which American doctors will shortly tell us we are all suffering from.

MELCOMBE REGIS (n.)

The name of the style of decoration used in cocktail lounges in mock Tudor hotels in Surrey.

MELLON UDRIGLE (n.)

The ghastly sound made by traditional folksingers.

MELTON CONSTABLE (n.)

A patent anti-wrinkle cream which policemen wear to keep themselves looking young.

MEMPHIS (n.)

The little bits of yellow fluff which get trapped in the hinge of the windscreen wipers after polishing the car with a new duster.

MILWAUKEE (n.)

The melodious whistling, chanting and humming tone of the milwaukee can be heard whenever a public lavatory is entered. It is the way the occupants of the cubicles have of telling you there's no lock on their door and you can't come in.

MINCHINHAMPTON (n.)

The expression on a man's face when he has just zipped up his trousers without due care and attention.

MOFFAT (n. tailoring term)

That part of your coat which is designed to be sat on by the person next of you on the bus.

MOLESBY (n.)

The kind of family that drives to the seaside and then sits in the car with all the windows closed, reading the Sunday Express and wearing sidcups (q.v.)

MONKS TOFT (n.)

The bundle of hair which is left after a monk has been tonsured, which he keeps tired up with a rubber band and uses for chasing ants away.

MOTSPUR (n.)

The fourth wheel of a supermarket trolley which looks identical to the other tree but renders the trolley completely uncontrollable.

MO I RANA

Imagine being on a vacation, and it's raining all the time, you are driving and the kids are making you a nervous wreck. Well you are definitive in Mo i Rana.

MUGEARY (n. medical)

The substance from which the unpleasant little yellow globules in the corners of a sleepy person's eyes are made.

MUNDERFIELD (n.)

A meadow selected, whilst driving past, as being ideal for a picnic which, from a sitting position, turns out to be full of stubble, dust and cowpats, and almost impossible to enjoy yourself in.

NAAS (n.)

The winemaking region of Albania where most of the wine that people take to bottle-parties comes from.

NACTION (n.)

The 'n' with which cheap advertising copywriters replace the word 'and' (as in 'fish 'n' chips', 'mix 'n' match', 'assault 'n' battery'), in the mistaken belief that this is in some way chummy or endearing.

NAD (n.)

Measure defined as the distance between a driver's outstretched fingertips and the ticket machine in an automatic car-park. 1 nad = 18.4 cm.

NANHORON (n. medical)

A tiny valve concealed in the inner ear which enables a deaf grandmother to converse quite normally when she feels like it, but which excludes completely anything that sounds like a request to help with laying the table.

NANTWICH (n.)

A late-night snack, invented by the Earl of Nantwich, which consists of the dampest thing in the fridge, pressed between two of the driest things in the fridge. The Earl, who lived in a flat in Clapham, invented the nantwich to avoid having to go shopping.

NAPLES (pl.n.)

The tiny depression in a piece of Ryvita.

NASEBY (n.)

The stout metal instrument used for clipping labels on to exhibits at flower shows.

NAUGATUCK (n.)

A plastic sachet containing shampoo, polyfilla, etc., which is impossible to open except by off the corners.

NAZEING (participial vb.)

The rather unconvincing noises of pretended interest which an adult has to make when brought a small dull object for admiration by a child.

NEEN SOLLARS (pl.n.)

Any ensemble of especially unflattering and particular garments worn by a woman which tell you that she is right at the forefront of fashion.

NEMPNETT THRUBWELL (n.)

The feeling experienced when driving off for the frist time on a brand new motorbike.

NETHER POPPLETON (n. obs.)

A pair of P.J.Proby's trousers.

NOTTAGE (n.)

Nottage is the collective name for things which you find a use for immediately after you've thrown them away. For instance, your greenhouse has been cluttered up for years with a huge piece of cardboard and great fronds of gardening string. You at last decide to clear all this stuff out, and you burn it. Within twenty-four hours you will urgently need to wrap a large parcel, and suddenly remember that luckily in your greenhouse there is some cardb...

NUBBOCK (n.)

The kind of person who has to leave before a party can relax and enjoy itself.

NOTBOURNE (n.)

In a choice between two or more possible puddings, the one nobody plumps for.

NYBSTER (n.)

Sort of person who takes the lift to travel one floor.

OCKLE (n.)

An electrical switch which appears to be off in both positions.

OSBASTON (n.)

A point made for the seventh time to somebody who insists that they know exactly what you mean but clearly hasn't got the faintest idea.

OSHKOSH (n., vb.)

The noise made by someone who has just been grossly flattered and is trying to make light of it.

OSSETT (n.)

A frilly spare-toilet-roll-cosy.

OSWALDTWISTLE (n. Old Norse)

Small brass wind instrument used for summoning Vikings to lunch when they're off on their longships, playing.