The Mill House (11 page)

'And I bet your dad wasn't like him. I bet you could stay out late and go out with as many boys as you wanted.'

Julia's eyes moved to the middle distance. 'My dad left around that time,' she said, letting her thoughts drift - then finding herself tumbling towards some kind of abyss, she drew herself sharply up again.

'Why did he go?' Dan asked.

'I don't know,' she answered.

'If he had you and Aunt Pam, he shouldn't have left, should he?'

'No, but sometimes there are circumstances we

know nothing about that make it impossible for someone to stay.'

'Like what?'

'I don't know. Lots of people have secrets, and they don't always share them with their children.'

'You don't have secrets from us, do you?' Dan said, starting to look worried.

'No.' she smiled, touching his face.

'Does Dad?'

Though she didn't mean to, she hesitated.

'Dad's not going to leave us, like yours left you.' Shannon said defiantly, though her expression was full of concern.

'I hope not.' Julia responded.

Shannon's eyes widened.

Suddenly realising it hadn't been a firm enough answer, Julia said, 'No, of course he won't leave us. He loves you both far too much.'

'I don't want him to leave us,' Dan protested.

'He's not going to, silly,' Julia assured him.

'But you said you hoped not,' Shannon cried. 'That means you think he might.'

'No it doesn't.'

'Yes it does.'

'That's enough,' Josh barked from the door. 'I'm not going anywhere.'

They all swung round, and Julia's heart turned over to see the expression on his unshaven face.

'What the hell are you telling them?' he demanded.

'Nothing. They misunderstood .. .'

'Don't leave us, Dad,' Shannon wailed, springing up from the bed and running to him. 'I'm really, really sorry I was late last night and

that I cheeked you back, I won't do it again. I promise.'

'I told you, I'm not going anywhere,' he responded, holding her tight and glaring at Julia.

Julia felt light-headed. From one thoughtless remark this was escalating way out of control.

'Are we friends now?' Shannon said, looking up at her father.

'Of course,' he replied, kissing her forehead.

Not quite knowing what to say, while sensing a dreadful row on the horizon, Julia turned back to Dan. In a split second everything else was forgotten. 'Oh my God!' she gasped, grabbing him. 'Dan! Dan!'

His eyes were rolling back in his head, and his teeth were clenched as his small body started to convulse.

Josh was there in an instant, taking him. 'It's OK, son,' he said firmly. 'I've got you. It's going to be all right.' Quickly they turned Dan on his side and held him as the seizure gripped his small frame. It was only a matter of seconds, but to Julia it was an eternity of terror, as she tormented herself with the fear of him not coming out of it at all; or emerging with brain damage. Could he stand to go through all those dreadful tests and hospital visits again? Could she?

At last he was still, and as he blinked and started to look around for her she gathered him up in her arms.

'Mum?' he said groggily.

'I'm here, darling,' she soothed, still trembling. 'Are you OK?'

His answer was to bury his face in her neck.

'There,' she said weakly, holding him close. 'It's all right now. Everything's all right.'

Josh turned to Shannon who was standing at the door, hands clasped over her mouth in horror.

'Is he all right, Dad?' she asked shakily.

'He's fine,' Josh assured her, going to comfort her.

'What happened? Why did he do that?'

'You know what happened,' Josh answered gently. 'We just haven't seen one in a while.'

'He's going to be all right though, isn't he?'

'Of course.'

Julia was rocking her son back and forth, her face pressed to his head as she fought back the tears. Almost two years with nothing, the longest spell they'd ever had, so why now? What had triggered it? In her heart she feared the worst, and the guilt she felt was only made worse by Dan's hand reaching up to her face.

'Shall we ask Dad to carry you back to bed, and I'll come and lie down with you?' she whispered to him.

He nodded.

As Josh took him from her their eyes met, and she saw instantly that he blamed her too. However, now wasn't the time to discuss it, Dan needed to rest, and after she'd called the doctor she wouldn't leave him until he woke up and she felt certain it wasn't going to happen again.

So it wasn't until the middle of the day, after the doctor had assured her it didn't sound serious, and Josh had taken Shannon to his health club for a swim, that she and Josh were alone in their bedroom and able to talk.

'You know very well,' Josh said through his teeth, 'that distress can bring on an attack, so what the hell were you thinking? Just what is going on with you, that you can let him think I'm leaving? You scared him half to death, Shannon too. Jesus Christ, Julia,' He clapped his hands to his head, his rage so profound that he barely knew how to contain it.

'I didn't tell him you were leaving,' she cried, trying to keep her voice down.

'I heard what you said! And you heard how they interpreted it. What's the matter with you, can't you see what's happening? Your paranoia is getting through to them on levels you don't even seem to be aware of.'

'It just came out that way. It wasn't meant.. .'

'You've got to get yourself sorted out,' he snapped. 'Something's going on with you, and using Shannon's age as an excuse just isn't good enough,'

Julia blinked. 'What do you mean?' she demanded, trying to remember when she'd mentioned that to him.

For a moment he seemed startled too, then recovering quickly, he said, 'You've got some kind of projection going on here, but whatever happened with your father has nothing to do with me. I'm not going to walk out on my children, I've never even thought about abandoning them, but I'll tell you this, if it weren't for them, then frankly there have been times lately .. .'

Her eyes flashed with fury. 'Go on,' she challenged. 'Finish what you were saying.'

He stared at her hard, clearly sorely tempted.

'You were about to say, if it weren't for them you wouldn't even hesitate,' she seethed. 'Well don't let me stop you. We can manage just fine without you.'

She saw the pain cut through his eyes, but was in no mood to back down now. He knew damned well she hadn't misled Dan on purpose, and though she blamed herself too, to lay into her like this was going too far.

In the end he was the first to turn away. 'I'm not going to let you screw up my children,' he snarled, and tore open the door.

'Our children!' she shouted.

Turning back, he slammed the door closed and took a step towards her. 'Then I suggest you start behaving like someone who gives a damn about anyone other than yourself,' he said coldly.

'How dare you? I've given everything to this family, and the problems I seem to be having now aren't going to go away just because you don't like them.'

'No, they won't go away until you start facing up to what your father was, and what happened back then.'

Her eyes were bright with fury and despair. 'That's easy for you to say, Mr Perfect Son from perfect parents,' she cried. 'You've never known a moment's doubt or insecurity in your life ...'

'Try standing where I am right now.'

'It's not the same thing, and you know it.'

He was staring at her so hard she could almost feel herself backing away, then quite suddenly he seemed to let go, and looking at her with something close to contempt, he said, 'I don't know why

I bother,' and pulling open the door he walked out of the room.

A few minutes later she heard the front door close, and looking down into the street she saw him getting into the Porsche with Shannon. She guessed they'd go to his mother's, as they often did on a Sunday, usually with Dan, though not her if she could avoid it. She wondered how much of what had happened this morning he'd confide in his mother. With a horrible sinking feeling she realised how much easier he would find it to cope without her, thanks to Emma, than she would without him. There was probably nothing her mother-in-law would relish more than to step into Julia's shoes to take proper care of Josh and his children - which would happen over her dead body, Julia was thinking, as she went off to check again on Dan again.

She found him ransacking his bedroom, looking for a lost CD-Rom. How easily children forgot, she couldn't help thinking, and felt only relief for it. 'I can't find the wrestling one Dad gave me,' he exclaimed as she came in. 'It was in my computer, but it's gone.'

'Was it with the ones you took over to Tim's?' she asked, catching a flying trainer.

He stopped. 'Oh yes, I didn't think of that,' She looked down at his handsome little face and smiled. 'How are you feeling?' she asked. 'OK. Can I go over to Tim's this afternoon?' Not wanting to let him out of her sight, never mind the house, she said, 'Why don't you invite him round here?'

He shrugged. 'All right.'

'You need to get dressed and have something to eat first though,' she told him, going into his bathroom to turn on the shower. At the threshold she came to an abrupt stop. 'Daniel Thayne, how do you manage to make such a mess?' she demanded, taking in the upturned linen basket with clothes all over the floor, toilet rolls heaped in one corner, shoes half-tucked under rugs, a wet flannel hanging over the bath, a bar of soap on the floor, while the bath itself was littered with toys, shampoo bottles and the trainer that matched the one she'd caught.

'It's hard work,' he informed her chirpily as he came in behind her.

Laughing, she stooped to plant a resounding kiss on his cheek, and began the clearing up. Today he could get away with anything, which Shannon would probably proclaim was much like any other day, but then Shannon would.

'It scared me witless,' she confessed to Sylvia on the phone later. 'Fortunately it was only a mild attack, and he seems perfectly all right now ...' 'Where is he?' Sylvia asked, 'in his room with a friend, playing on the computer.' 'And Josh?'

'At his mother's, I think. We had the most awful row. He was absolutely furious. He even said if it weren't for the children he'd be gone.'

There was a pause before Sylvia said, 'That was just the heat of the moment. I'm sure he doesn't mean it.'

'But if there is someone else, and I carry on behaving like this .. .'

'He just needs you to make love with him,' Sylvia said. 'Is that so much to ask when you love him?'

Julia's heart sank as she sat down at her desk and dropped her head into one hand. 'It might not seem so to you,' she said, 'it doesn't to me, when you're putting it into words, but if you knew what happened to me ... How it feels when he's ... The only way I can describe it is, it's like I'm being sucked into a vacuum of nothingness. Everything seems to go dark, like it's swallowing me up, or closing in on me, or smothering me ... I know it sounds crazy, but it's so ghastly that I just can't bear to go on, and quite frankly I'm starting to wonder if I'm more in need of an exorcist than a therapist.'

'Now that would be interesting,' Sylvia responded humorously.

Julia laughed, but a moment later unease was coming over her again. 'If he is having an affair I think I might kill him,' she declared.

'Julia, honestly ...'

'No, I'm serious. And the same goes for her, whoever she is. I actually fantasise about it - catching them together and blowing out their brains. So how's that for nuts?'

Sylvia took a moment before saying, 'Most women feel like that when they're afraid they're being cheated on. Have you mentioned it to Josh?'

'No. I think he really would leave me and take the children with him, if he knew I was having those kinds of thoughts.'

Sylvia sighed, and Julia heard the slap of clay going onto the wheel. 'If you ask me,' she said,

'Hamish Kincaid's book couldn't have come at a better time.'

Julia felt puzzled, and slightly unnerved by her loss of memory. 'I told you about that?' she said, trying to remember when. 'Anyway, yes, you're right, but it's not due for a few more weeks.'

'Then why don't you offer to do some reviews in the meantime? Or look into setting up some more writers' workshops. The last ones were a great success.'

'You're starting to sound like Josh,' Julia complained, 'and the trouble is, you're both right. I need to involve myself in something, or I really am going to drive myself nuts. And on that note, I'd better ring off, because I've promised to take the boys over to the park for a kick around.'

'OK. Before you go, I'm presuming there haven't been any more mystery calls from your father?'

'No. None, but I've promised Josh I'll do something about that once Kincaid's book is done. Any other developments I'll let you know.'