The Mince Pie Mix-Up (8 page)

‘Who’s Mandy?’ Richie asked.

‘Met her on Tinder.’ Pierce took a sip of his pint. ‘When I said I worked with cars, she got it into her head I was some big shot car salesman. She thought I was minted so it was a bit of a disappointment when she found out I’m actually a mechanic at the village garage.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with being a mechanic,’ Judy said. She couldn’t help it. Poor Pierce looked crushed, but that could have been because he’d just shoved thirty quid in the fruit machine and lost the lot.

‘
I
know that. Mandy not so much. She only dates “successful” guys, apparently.’

‘You’re better off without her. You deserve somebody who will truly appreciate you for who you are.’ Judy took a sip of her wine, closing her eyes to truly savour it. Man, that tasted glorious after the stress of the past couple of days.

When she opened her eyes, three sets of eyes were upon her.

Too flowery advice, perhaps? Judy needed to rectify the situation, and fast.

She gave Calvin’s bollocks a good scratch. ‘So, um, you didn’t shag her then?’

While Judy had been freezing on the football pitch, Calvin had been sweating in the kitchen. It had taken all morning and several attempts, but he finally had four dozen mince pies (minus one. They needed testing before Calvin could bestow them on the public – he couldn’t risk body swapping the entire village, either!). The mince pies were cooling on racks, ready for the Christmas lights switch-on that evening. After all the baking, Calvin didn’t have time to make a full-on roast so he made sausages and chips instead, which was just as good. Judy wasn’t impressed when she shuffled through to the kitchen, aching and miserable after her morning playing football. She hadn’t enjoyed the experience one bit and she now had mud lodged in unmentionable places.

But Judy was too exhausted to complain and simply sat at the table and ate the food provided.

‘How was it?’ As proud as Calvin was of his baking efforts, he’d missed seeing his mates that morning. He enjoyed being part of a team, the camaraderie that came with it. You didn’t get that with a mixing bowl and a pre-heated oven.

‘Cold.’ Judy glared at her husband.

‘Oh?’ Calvin feigned ignorance but Judy’s expression soon lightened.

‘By the way, your friends have given you a new nickname. They dragged me to the pub after the game and I ordered a glass of red wine instead of your usual pint. So now they think you’re a great big sissy girl and have started to call you Gal-Vin.’

Fantastic. Calvin would have to do some serious damage control when he got his body back.

The family gathered around the table and, while it wasn’t the roast she felt she was owed, Judy was so ravenous she ate the sausages and chips without a word.

‘Did you get the baking done for Enid?’ Judy asked once everybody had eaten. Scott had gone for a final practice before his band’s debut gig and Charlie was occupied with her
Frozen
DVD. Again.

The kitchen was either surprisingly or suspiciously clean.

‘Yep, it’s all done and packed in boxes ready to go.’ Calvin leaned back in his chair, emitting smugness into the air. ‘And I’ve cleaned up after myself and everything.’ Or rather Scott had, for a fee. ‘Are four dozen mince going to be enough? I could eat most of those on my own.’

‘Enid’s making some too and you can always knock out a few more batches if you start to run low,’ Judy said. ‘Did you manage to make the stained-glass snowmen?’

‘Whoa, wait a minute.’ Calvin held up his hands, palms out. ‘Nobody said I had to do anything fancy with glass.’

Judy rolled her eyes. Even that movement hurt after her morning on the pitch. ‘They’re biscuits. I left the recipe for you and asked you to bake three batches. They were quite popular last year.’

Calvin shook his head. ‘I forgot.’

‘You’d better get your apron back on then.’ Judy rose painfully to her feet. ‘I’m going for a bath. You’d better hurry up with those biscuits. We have to leave in a couple of hours. Besides. I can’t risk any baking. Just look at what happened with the last batch of pies I made!’

Hauling herself upstairs, Judy peeled off her football kit, placing the muddy clothes in the laundry basket. Calvin didn’t own a dressing gown so she squeezed his body into her own and was about to head into the bathroom when she realised her mistake. Pulling the dirty kit from the basket, she dumped it on the floor and left it for Calvin to deal with.

The warm bubble bath felt heavenly as Judy slipped underneath the water, allowing her aches and pains to be sluiced away with the grime. Her bones ached from the cold despite sitting in the warmth of the pub all afternoon but she finally began to thaw. She didn’t want to think about the fact that she’d have to repeat this process next week – she’d deal with that later. For now she would make the most of the peace and quiet while enjoying the knowledge that she didn’t have to work tonight. Maybe she would have felt guilty about Calvin taking over her role in The Green Teapot while she had fun with the kids, but that was before he tricked her into running around a freezing cold football pitch in a pair of shorts and a flimsy T-shirt.

Judy emerged from the bath feeling like a completely new Calvin. This Calvin was refreshed and ready to face the challenges ahead. She dried herself off before folding the towel and placing it on the heated towel rail.

‘Silly me.’ Judy grabbed the towel and dumped it on the bathroom floor.

Yes, the gloves were most certainly off. Let the games well and truly begin.

Chapter Nine:
It Isn’t (Christmas) Fair

The village green was buzzing with excitement and anticipation as the residents waited for the annual Christmas lights switch-on. A prominent figure in the village was always chosen for the all-important switch-on, and this year it was Mrs Ephron, the headmistress from Charlie’s school, who had been given the honour. The headmistress had taken on celebrity status for the evening and was being treated accordingly by her fans. A sizeable group of children had gathered around the teacher, firing questions at her as they reached out to touch her bright red duffel coat.

‘Can I go and see Mrs Ephron? Can I go and see Mrs Ephron?’ Charlie was bouncing up and down on the spot, tugging on Calvin’s hand. She saw Mrs Ephron practically every day but it was of paramount importance that she get a glimpse of her
right now
.

‘Go on then,’ Calvin replied. His hand was dropped instantly as Charlie tore off across the green.

‘Make sure you stay where I can see you.’ Judy kept an eye on Charlie as she bounded away to the small crowd of children that had gathered around the bemused head teacher. ‘Right, you need to get these pies and biscuits over to The Green Teapot.’ She turned to Calvin but the spot beside her was empty. Her husband had disappeared, leaving her with a pile of boxes filled with baked goods. Trying to spot him on the crowded green was impossible, especially as it was already growing dark.

Holding in a sigh, Judy trudged towards Charlie and began the arduous task of prising her away from the celebrity teacher while juggling a tower of boxes.

‘Please, Charlie. We’ll come back. I just need to drop these off with Enid and then find your mum.’ She flashed her best pleading eyes at Charlie. They had about as much effect on Charlie as they’d had on Calvin during the kids’ night feeds: none at all. ‘I’ll get you a hot chocolate.’

Charlie slid her eyes away from Mrs Ephron. ‘With whipped cream?’

‘Yes.’

‘And marshmallows?’

Judy shifted the boxes in her arms. They were becoming increasingly uncomfortable. Quite how she’d ended up with them instead of Calvin was a mystery to her.

‘Fine. Whipped cream and marshmallows.’

Charlie skipped ahead of Judy, stopping at the edge of the green so they could cross the road together. The Green Teapot was toasty warm when they stepped inside, the air filled with the smell of freshly baked mince pies, which Enid had just pulled out of the oven.

‘Judy isn’t here, is she?’ Judy asked as she dumped the boxes on the counter. It was a long shot, Judy knew, but worth a try.

‘I haven’t seen her yet,’ Enid confirmed.

Damn it. ‘Do you mind if I leave Charlie here for a minute? I need to find Judy.’ She had a fair idea where ‘Judy’ would be and, if ‘she’ was there, Judy was going to wring ‘her’ neck.

‘Of course not.’ Enid held out a hand for the child. ‘You can help me put the icing sugar on top of the mince pies if you’d like.’

‘Thanks, Enid. I won’t be long.’ Judy rushed out of the tea room and headed across the green, bypassing the craft stalls and tombola and heading straight for the beer tent.

‘Calvin!’ Judy placed her hands on her hips as she stood in the entrance of the tent. She caught a few funny looks from its patrons and shook her head. ‘I mean Judy! What are you doing here?’

‘Enjoying the fair.’ Calvin lifted his pint, half of which had already been slugged. ‘Isn’t that why we’re here?’

Judy stomped towards Calvin and snatched the pint from his hands, slamming it down on the makeshift bar. ‘You’re supposed to be working.’

‘What, now?’

‘Yes, now.’ Judy grasped her husband by the hand and started to tow him out of the tent. ‘I’ve dropped the mince pies and biscuits off already. We’ll pop in for a cup of tea later.’

‘This isn’t fair,’ Calvin grumbled, looking around at the packed green. The school choir was singing Christmassy songs by the unlit tree while stalls had been set up around the perimeter. There was everything from face painters and balloon modellers to crafts stalls and catering vans, not forgetting what to Calvin was the pièce de résistance – the hog roast. People milled around, stuffed into winter coats and hats while they cradled hot chocolates or mulled wine. Calvin wanted to join in the festivities. Or at least finish his pint.

‘I’m going to be stuck working while you lot have fun,’ Calvin grumbled. ‘Can you at least bring me a hog roast bap?’

Dropping Calvin off at The Green Teapot was similar to when Judy had left Scott at nursery for the first time. She was filled with guilt as Calvin eyed her desolately, but at least he didn’t throw himself on the ground and wrap his arms around her ankles while begging her not to leave him.

‘Judy,’ Calvin hissed, grabbing her by the sleeve as she made to leave with Charlie and her hot chocolate. ‘Don’t forget the hog roast bap.’

Judy couldn’t remember the last time she’d been able to enjoy the Christmas lights switch-on with her family. She usually had to make do with hearing about it afterwards from the animated children as they made their way home. Trade at The Green Teapot was brisk during the annual festive event so Enid needed all hands on deck and Judy could never turn down the opportunity to earn some extra cash.

But this year Judy was Calvin, which meant she got to enjoy the whole evening. She was going to make the most of this precious time.

‘What do you want to do first?’ Judy checked her watch. They had just over an hour before the big event.

‘We don’t have to spend the evening in the beer tent like last year, do we, Daddy?’ Charlie asked. She’d taken a sip of her hot chocolate and now the tip of her nose was foamy white.

‘Absolutely not.’ Judy rummaged around in her pocket for a tissue but, as she was wearing Calvin’s coat, there was nothing but an empty chewing gum wrapper in there. They passed a stall selling festive cupcakes so she asked if she could take a napkin.

‘We can do whatever you like, sweetie,’ she told Charlie as she wiped the whipped cream from her nose.

‘Can I get my face painted?’

‘Sure.’

‘And can I win a prize at the Ebola thing?’

‘The tombola? We can certainly give it a go.’

‘And can we get some sweeties from the sweetie stall?’

Judy looked back at The Green Teapot and couldn’t help feeling a slight twinge of guilt. But it passed quickly. ‘We certainly can but let’s go and join the queue for the face painting first, before it gets too long. What design would you like?’

‘Judy, thank goodness you’re here.’ A frantic-looking Enid handed Calvin an apron before picking up a tray filled with tea paraphernalia. ‘Kat isn’t feeling well so it’s just going to be the two of us tonight. I’ve already had to knock up another batch of cranberry raisin bars – I had no idea they’d be so popular. There’s already a second batch of mince pies in the oven. I’ll deal with those while you get yourself sorted.’

Enid placed the tea tray on a table of waiting customers before scuttling through to the kitchen while Calvin hung up his jacket and tied the apron around his waist. The white apron had the body of an elf printed on to it, ending at the elf’s ruffled collar so that Calvin’s – or rather Judy’s – face completed the look. Could Calvin look any more ridiculous?

Yes, it transpired that he could.

‘Don’t forget your hat!’ Enid bustled out of the kitchen, grabbing a green-and-white-striped felt hat, complete with an oversized jingling bell.

Enid was kidding, right?

‘Come on, Judy. Get into the Christmas spirit!’ Enid was wearing a Mrs Claus apron along with a red, fur-lined hat. Calvin thanked his lucky stars that nobody knew it was really him underneath the hat as he shoved it onto his head. At least none of his mates would venture into the Green Teapot that evening. Whether they knew it was him wearing the silly apron and hat or not, he didn’t think he’d be able to face them. If Curtis got even the slightest hint that he’d been decked out like an elf, he’d never hear the end of it. But Calvin’s mates wouldn’t be drinking tea and scoffing Christmassy baked goods. They’d be spending the evening in the beer tent and scoffing hog roast baps.

Lucky bastards.

‘Everything all right out here?’ Enid poked her head out of the kitchen door. ‘Blimey, there’s a bit of a queue forming. Give me two minutes and I’ll give you a hand.’

Calvin was kept busy as he served customers takeout teas and cakes as well as waiting on the tables for those wishing to eat and drink in the warmth of the tea room. He was rushed off his blistered feet for what seemed like hours but luckily Enid took over the baking duties as Calvin doubted he could rustle up a rice krispie cake without one of Judy’s detailed recipes.