The Ministry of SUITs (32 page)

Jack tried to get to his feet but fell back down instantly. His right ankle had twisted under him and he felt rods of pain shoot through his leg. Jack grimaced and bit his lip. He turned back to where the steam dinosaur had been and saw Trudy lying half-unconscious and bleeding. A shard of dinosaur bone had gone straight through her shoulder. Considering she had been wounded in the shoulder by a mole only a few days ago it definitely wasn't a good week to be Trudy's shoulder.

Jack's world darkened. He looked up to see that Blackbeard Junior was casting a shadow over him.

“You've destroyed my steam dinosaur. No matter. I only built it to see off anyone who tried to stop me and it seems to have done that when it exploded.”

Jack should have felt more triumphant, but his shoulders sagged and the only thing he really felt was tired.

Blackbeard Junior kicked Jack's ankle. Jack's face contorted in pain. “Why did you do that?”

“I used to be a P.E. teacher, Jack. So I'm pretty much pure evil.” Blackbeard Junior laughed to himself. “And you folks at the Ministry would put me in a Piratorium, if you caught me. So you have to expect a little bit of gloating.”

“Well, what if we didn't? What would you do then?”

Blackbeard shrugged. “Kill people. Steal treasure. Sink boats. Just normal piratey things, I suppose.”

Although Jack felt that this sounded less evil than the kind of things that the average P.E teacher did, he still knew he had to stop Blackbeard Junior. “So what happens now?”

“Do you see the digging equipment over there?” Blackbeard Junior indicated a range of machines, excavators, trucks, and drills. “Do you see the large black tube in the middle?”

Standing in the middle of all the modern construction equipment was something that looked like a relic from a bygone era. It was an enormous cast-iron tube fifty feet high. It flared out slightly at the top, where a long wire was attached. Jack traced the length of the wire with his eyes. It ran down to the ground and across the floor of the cavern and finished in Blackbeard Junior's hand.

“What on earth is that?” asked Jack.

“It's beautiful is what it is. It's the world's largest gunpowder cannon. I call her
Queen Anne's Revenge
after Great, Great, Great, Great, Great-Granddad's old ship.”

Jack should have been formulating a plan of escape, but as usual, his curiosity was making him focus on entirely the wrong issues. Instead of thinking
Can I stand and run?
he was far too interested in Blackbeard Junior's cannon.

“Is it pointed at the ground?”

Blackbeard Junior winked. “Bright lad—it is indeed. And it's loaded with a cannonball stuffed with explosives. When I light this fuse it'll burn to the cannon and set it off.”

“You're going to shoot the earth? You really are insane.”

“Not at all. The explosive cannonball will cause a series of shockwaves to spread across the ground. As the shock waves move they will become more powerful and faster. When they hit the edge of the country they will rip it free from the final few pieces of land that hold Northern Ireland in place. And then the reign of the greatest pirate ship in the world will begin!”

Blackbeard Junior turned to walk away. Jack realized it was all over. Trudy was unconscious and he could barely stand. The Speed was of limited use when you couldn't even get yourself into a vertical position. Grey was nowhere to be seen with the reinforcements.

They had come so close to winning, the children were freed, Blackbeard Junior's plot had been exposed, and Trudy and Jack would only have had to smash the earthquake cannon to be victorious. However, there was little chance they could achieve that now.

Jack looked at Blackbeard Junior, who was struggling to light the fuse. It was difficult to strike a match when one of your hands was a hook. The matches dropped and spilled on the ground. Blackbeard Junior glared at Jack as if daring him to say something.

Jack didn't say anything. But the look had made him decide to do something. Even with a twisted ankle. Even with eight pirates and Blackbeard Junior to fight. Even with the odds impossibly stacked against him, Jack wasn't going to give up.

From somewhere far away he heard a deep rumbling noise. Was it Grey with the cavalry? Maybe if he could just delay Blackbeard Junior for a few more minutes.

Jack slowly rolled over onto his knees.

Blackbeard Junior looked up from the matches. “What are you doing, boy? It's over; give it up.”

Jack shook his head and pushed up. His ankle felt like it had a dozen red-hot skewers stuck though it. But he could do this. He could do it for David, for Trudy … for Grey … maybe even a little for Cthulhu and the Misery.

“It isn't over, Blackbeard Junior. It isn't over until you kill me. And if you know anything about the Ministry, you know that one determined operative using The Speed is more than a match for eight mangy pirates.”

The mangy pirates looked slightly disgruntled at being described in such disrespectful terms. Mr. Rackham clacked his pincer in an indignant fashion.

“You reckon you can beat eight pirates, lad?”

Jack was pretty sure that even if his ankle had been broken he wouldn't have been able to beat the eight pirates with their hooked hands and cutlasses. However, it was something that he certainly wasn't going to admit to Blackbeard Junior.

“I reckon I can. You fancy giving up? I'll go easy on you.”

Blackbeard Junior wobbled his head from side to side as if he was weighing his options. “The thing is, lad, it's a kind offer. But I'll be getting on with lighting the fuse here. Lads, finish the pip-squeak off.”

The eight pirates, led by Mr. Rackham, advanced on Jack.

MINISTRY
OF
S.U.I.T.S
HANDBOOK

BEING SAVED

I
N
THE
N
ICK
OF
T
IME

Many people ask what the key skill for a Ministry operative is. Probably the most important to practice and cultivate is “being saved in the nick of time.”

Of course, there isn't actually any other way to be saved than in the nick of time. If you get saved
before
the nick of time, then you weren't really in danger and so it doesn't count as being saved. However, if you get saved
after
the nick of time you probably haven't been saved and therefore all that anyone can do is order a wreath and inform the next of kin.

Therefore, if you are being saved, it is essential that you try and arrange it to be as close to the nick of time as possible.

 

49

ABOVE STANDARD CAVALRY

 

Blackbeard Junior had somehow managed to get a match stuck to the end of his hook and was attempting to strike it against the edge of a matchbox.

Jack could still hear the rumbling noise close by. Although it didn't seem to be getting any closer—were Grey and the reinforcements lost in a nearby passage? He needed some way of signaling them so they knew which direction to take. However, with the eight pirates advancing on him it didn't seem as though he would get the chance.

“I never liked you, Jack,” sneered Mr. Rackham. “You were awful at rope climbing.” Rackham dropped the chalkboard that he normally carried and drew a cutlass with his one good hand.

And then Jack had an idea. He knew how he could signal Grey. The idea made him feel elated; however, he focused on how sad he would be if the pirates killed him. How sad he would be to never see Trudy again. How sad he would be to miss future adventures with the Ministry. The Speed descended on him and, with fire burning through his damaged ankle, he sped toward the pirates. The Pirates could barely believe their eyes
88
as Jack streaked toward them.

Jack dived and rolled before anyone could stop him. He reached out and grabbed the chalkboard Rackham had dropped. Blackbeard Junior lit the match and applied it to the fuse, which started to burn toward the cannon. “Got her lit, lads!” he bellowed. The pirates let out an enormous cheer.

“Bon voyage, Jack. Me and the crew will be going topside now. I'm afraid the two of you don't have tickets. I imagine you'll be blown to smithereens when the cannon goes off.”

Jack looked at Blackbeard Junior. “Just one more thing.” Jack dragged his fingernails across the chalkboard. The screeching noise echoed loudly across the cavern, setting everyone's teeth on edge.

Blackbeard Junior seemed puzzled. “Well, it's a very unpleasant noise, but we're still going to leave you here until the cannon goes off. So I don't…”

The screeching sounds of Jack's fingernails on the chalkboard were still echoing around the cavern.

“… think that you should be…” Blackbeard Junior was interrupted in his gloating by the low rumbling noise getting louder—it was beginning to blot out the echoing chalkboard screech. Blackbeard Junior looked around but couldn't figure out where the rumbling was coming from. He strode back over to where Jack lay. The pirates stayed where they were and chattered nervously.

“What on earth is that?” Blackbeard Junior asked. “What's that noise?”

Ignoring Blackbeard Junior, Jack squinted into the dark of the cavern and saw something that made him want to cry with happiness.

“It's my friend Grey … with the cavalry.”

Jack pointed into the darkness. Blackbeard Junior turned to look. His jaw dropped.

There are many amazing and beautiful sights in the world. Northern Ireland has the beauty of the Giant's Causeway and the picturesque North Coast, America claims the awe-inspiring size of the Grand Canyon, London has the architectural gem of the dome of St. Paul's cathedral, Paris has the industrial engineering masterpiece that is the Eiffel Tower.
89
These are all wonders of the world and amazing to behold. However, none of these stunning sights could have filled Jack's heart with as much joy as what he saw coming lumbering through the enormous cavern.

Dozens of fully grown dinosaurs.
Stegosaurus
,
Tyrannosaurus
,
Triceratops
,
Diplodocus
,
Iguanodons
, hovering
Pterodactylus
,
Velociraptor
weaving in and out between the feet of their larger companions. And many, many others. And the colors! Bright reds, silvers, gold and orange, vivid purple. It was a veritable rainbow of dinosaurs.

“This isn't possible!” yelled Blackbeard Junior. The dinosaurs did not seem worried about whether people thought they were possible or not; they kept thundering across the floor of the cavern getting nearer and nearer. Blackbeard's eight pirate henchmen started shuffling their feet nervously.

Jack decided it was time to get out of the way as the dinosaurs were close to full stampede mode after being excited at hearing what they assumed was a mating call. While Blackbeard Junior was distracted by the oncoming dinosaurs Jack managed to stand and hobble his way over to Trudy.

The bone splinter was still embedded in Trudy's shoulder, but he was relieved to see that it had stopped bleeding. It was right in the same spot where the mole had hit her earlier, but on the bright side it meant that she would have only one scar. When she woke up Jack was fairly sure it was going to sting a bit.

Jack hauled Trudy over to the relative safety of the alcove and helped her into a sitting position.

“Trudy? Are you okay?” He had to speak loudly to be heard over the sound of dinosaurs stampeding across the enormous cavern.

Trudy's eyes flicked open. “Okay? Am I okay? What kind of a question is that? I've got a piece of dinosaur in my shoulder. Of course I'm not okay.”

“What I meant was…” Jack trailed off when he realized that (a) he wasn't really sure what he meant and (b) even if he had been sure what he meant, now was not the time to start an argument about it.

“Has Grey arrived yet?”

Jack looked over at the thundering herd of dinosaurs. Blackbeard Junior had placed himself between the dinosaurs and the enormous cannon. The other pirates had decided that their best option was running and screaming and occasionally getting trampled by a dinosaur.

The dinosaurs kept on running. Jack could now see that Grey was riding on the back of a particularly large purple
Brontosaurus
, urging it onward with his umbrella.
90
Grey also seemed to be carrying an iPhone connected to a set of Sonos speakers out of which was blasting Wagner's “The Ride of the Valkyries.”

“I think you could most definitely say that Grey has arrived.”

“Your plan worked, then?” Trudy smiled.

“It seems so. Obviously Cthulhu agreed to use his evil powers to destroy the stalagmites at Marble Arch caves. Grey seems to have managed to have the dinosaurs stampede quite effectively.”

“And the map?” asked Trudy.

Jack shrugged. “I think they might have gotten a little lost. But I managed to get a message to them using this.” Jack held up Mr. Rackham's chalkboard.

“But you don't even have any chalk,” said Trudy, confused.

Jack thought about trying to explain to Trudy how he had remembered Grey saying that a dinosaur mating cry was a high shrieking noise. But then he thought better of it, and decided there would be time later for full explanations.

*   *   *

The dinosaurs were almost directly in front of Blackbeard Junior now—the other pirates had fled long ago. Blackbeard Junior threw his hands up in the air and roared at the dinosaurs to stop. It was a ridiculous thing to do. For a start, dinosaurs, as has previously been stated, don't respond well to instruction. Once they had started stampeding they clearly weren't going to stop until they came to something they couldn't trample. Additionally, even if they had understood what Blackbeard had been saying, they were moving so quickly that they wouldn't have been able to stop if they had wanted to.