The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl (7 page)

If it weren’t for YouTube, I would be extremely pessimistic, but I’m not anymore. YouTube has revolutionized content creation. If it weren’t for YouTube, I would still be at studios trying to convince executives that Awkward Black Girls really do exist. If it weren’t for YouTube, I would have been indefinitely discouraged by the network executive who suggested that actress/video girl/Lil Wayne’s baby’s mother, Lauren London, would be a great fit for the title character of a cable version of Awkward Black Girl. If it weren’t for social media, I don’t know that black women would even be a fully formed blip on the radar. If it weren’t for internet forums and fan pages, communities of dark women wouldn’t be empowered by their natural hair in a media society that tells them their hair should be straightened and their skin should be lighter.

Online content and new media are changing our communities and changing the demand for and accessibility of that content. The discussion of representation is one that has been repeated over and
over
again, and the solution has always been that it’s up to us to support, promote, and create the images that we want to see. Ten years ago, making that suggestion would have required
way
more work than it does now, and my love of taking shortcuts probably wouldn’t
allow me to make any dents on that front. But with ever-evolving, new accessible technologies, there are so many opportunities to reclaim our images. There’s no excuse not to, and I’ve never felt more purposeful in my quest to change the landscape of television.

At the time I came up with the concept for ABG, I was just a clumsy, frustrated, socially inept, recently graduated adult, looking for confirmation that I wasn’t alone. No, I didn’t think I was a monster or vampire, Junot; it wasn’t that deep. But at some level, as each new model for social media strives to connect us in new, paradoxically estranged ways, there exists a consistent core, the human desire to feel included. Whether you’re an awkward black girl or an irritated disabled stripper, everyone should have the opportunity to feel represented in some way.

ABG Guide: Connecting with Other Blacks

T
he gamut of “blackness” is so wide. So very, very wide. Luckily for you, I have encountered almost
every
type of black, and as the self-appointed representative of the “Awkward” Black, I am taking it upon myself to not only introduce other Awkward Blacks to each type of black, but also to give them guidance on appropriately dealing with each type. Take note: some blacks are a hybrid of two or even
three
blacks, though statistically that group is very small. In such cases, more than one interaction in more than one environment is required to determine the appropriate approach. Many blacks have been
all
of these blacks at one point in time. So as not to place the importance or value of one black over the other (that’s what real life is for!), I have (more or less) organized them alphabetically. If you’re not an Awkward Black, you may still find the information useful when attempting to engage other blacks.

The 10% Black:

W. E. B. Du Bois only added fuel to the fire for these blacks. The self-proclaimed talented tenth, these blacks feel as though the intellectual integrity of all blacks rests on their shoulders. Many are outwardly bitter that they have to carry this responsibility, but secretly appreciative that they have been called out as the Chosen Few. Usually the validation of one’s tenthness comes from white acceptance. The 10 percent are both grateful for and resentful of this. The 10 percenters feel it is their duty to redeem blackness in the eyes of all.

THE APPROACH:
Feign ignorance. You don’t know as much as they do. If they deem you worthy, they will try to keep you at length and flex their knowledge, speaking
at
you. I’ve been caught for hours, listening to these blacks lecture. The key is to appear disengaged and dumb. It will save you time.

KEY PHRASES:
“I don’t know”; “Really?”; “Where’s the chicken?”; “Cast down your bucket.”

The Ambitious Black:

Race isn’t a barrier for this black; it’s either an asset or not a concern at all. This black is a chameleon, able to turn it on and turn it off in any environment in the name of advancement. This black acknowledges his or her blackness to other blacks, but will quickly renounce race in front of “others.” The Awkward Black and the Ambitious Black are very compatible.

THE APPROACH:
The Awkward Black can find a potential friend and/or lover in this black. The Ambitious Black is the perfect partner to help the Awkward Black adjust in his/her own skin. For general interactions, be friendly and keep an eye open, because this black is studying and will take your job.

KEY PHRASES:
“Let’s hang”; “Teach me”; “Want to be my friend?”; “Love me.”

The Awkward Black:

You Are Here.

THE APPROACH
: See entire book.

The Basic Black:

Many confuse being “basic” with being “regular.” That is false. “Regular” implies that there is a black norm, and I would argue that there is not. Barring strong innate familial traits and twins, blacks are not the same. The Basic Black, however, is the closest you can get to regular. The Basic Black is minimalist art in human form. People in this category are proud to be black, but don’t flaunt it. They enjoy chicken and watermelon just as much as they enjoy steak and persimmons. Though goal-oriented, they are not complicated, and that is all there is to that.

THE APPROACH:
Don’t overcomplicate them. Talk to them as you would talk to your neighbor.

KEY PHRASES:
“How are you?”; “How’s the fam?”; “Have a nice day”; “Where’s the BBQ?”

The Hustling Black:

These blacks are a subcategory of the Ambitious Black, though they aren’t quite there yet. Always “on the grind,” this black has tried it all, has ridden every wave in an attempt to make ends meet. This black is on the move constantly, so don’t ever try to ask him what he does, specifically. The answer will always vary. A Jack-of-all-trades but master-of-none, this black is still figuring everything out in his attempt to find a place in this world.

THE APPROACH:
Encourage this black to find a focus, but show your support along the way.

KEY PHRASES:
“Sure, we can do lunch”; “Yes, I’ll listen to your new idea”; “Fine, I’ll donate to your Kickstarter.”

The Insecure Black:

Constantly concerned with how race plays a factor in their everyday life, these blacks get really uncomfortable when race is brought up, fearing that all eyes will be on them.
Does everything have to be about race?
they ask. They don’t offer opinions about Obama for fear of appearing biased. They listen to
all
genres of music, but generally try to stay away from hip-hop and R&B, as they don’t want to be categorized. Their biggest fear is the return of slavery or a mutiny against blacks.

THE APPROACH:
This black doesn’t want to rock the boat, so broach general subjects, like academia and pop culture. But make sure the references aren’t too loaded. So don’t ask if Miley Cyrus is appropriating black culture when she twerks. Also avoid hip-hop in general, and Kim K.

KEY PHRASES:
“What’s the latest in
Popular Science
news?”; “Aren’t babies cute?”; “The weather has been great/not so good.”

The Know-It-All About Blacks Black:

You might think I fall into this category, but I can assure you I don’t. These blacks insist they know all there is to know about blacks, where they came from and where they’re going. You may let it slip that you want to take swimming lessons. Mistake! The KIAAB Black will be quick to tell you that “black people don’t swim.” Do you have an idea that may progress the state of intra-racial relations? Don’t bother. KIAAB Blacks tends to be super-pessimistic
about our future and resist anything new. They are happy to list everything that black people
don’t
do.

THE APPROACH:
The Awkward Black is too outside-the-box for the Know-It-All About Blacks Black to comprehend. If you’re black and say something a Know-It-All disagrees with, be prepared to be called white or whitewashed. For the general population, the KIAAB Black probably doesn’t want to associate with you. He/She is content with sitting back and judging you. There’s literally nothing you can do about it. Nothing.

CONVERSATION TIPS:
Avoid talking and don’t bother trying to change this black’s mind about anything.

The LGBT Black:

Just like blackness itself, the scope of the LGBT Black varies. Often torn between allegiances to two worlds, the LGBT Black finds him/herself at the bottom of the priority totem pole in both cases. Undervalued, unappreciated, and dismissed, many LGBT Blacks have a razor-edged chip on their shoulders. Others are perfectly content with who they are and are especially content with telling all of their business to anyone who will listen.

THE APPROACH:
Don’t bring up their sexuality if they don’t. If they do, engage. Don’t pry. Don’t judge. Don’t try to set them up with your friends. Don’t assume gender. Don’t show your privilege. Don’t be misogynistic. Don’t be homophobic. Don’t be transphobic. Don’t be cissexist. Just STFU, STFU, STFU.

KEY PHRASE:
“I value you.”

The Militant Black:

Extremely proud to be black. For the Militant Black, everything is about race. This black experiences both pride and paranoia. This
black has experienced racism at every turn and refuses to let you succumb to the same. Some militants are very hostile toward whites. Some are even bigoted where other ethnicities and nationalities are concerned. This black is often a Muslim convert and typically celebrates Kwanzaa and scoffs at you for celebrating white Jesus’s Christmas.

THE APPROACH:
In your attempts to appear tolerant, be wary of what comes out of your mouth to this black.

CONVERSATION TIPS:
Hold back—everything you say can and will be used against you and misconstrued.

The Nerdy Black:

Not to be confused with the Awkward Black, though some elements are interchangeable. The Nerdy Black is often socially hopeless. Where the Awkward Black constantly questions the social elements, often uncomfortably, the Nerdy Black is oblivious to any social cues whatsoever. Nerdy Blacks generally appreciate the crevices of pop culture. Science fiction, fantasy, fan fiction, reddit, conventions, video games—these things are all associated with nerd culture. Never underestimate the potential of the Nerdy Black.

THE APPROACH:
Don’t be judgmental of this black. For the Awkward Black, a beautiful friendship can be formed if you take the time to listen and learn. Awkward Blacks may find themselves the love interest of the Nerdy Black. You needn’t be afraid. These blacks understand what it’s like to be considered an outcast. Be gentle. For the general population, try not to confuse the Nerdy Black with hipsters. Nobody cares about hipsters and they don’t even deserve a category.

KEY PHRASES:
“I get you”; “No, I haven’t heard of ______; please inform”; “I’m not making fun of you, I promise.”

The Not-Black Black:

They’re quick to say, “Oh, I’m not black.” My favorite type of Not-Black Blacks claims to be Native American. “That’s why my hair is so good,” they’ll say. But ask them what tribe and they’ll either fall short or claim “Cherokee.” Oftentimes, the Not-Black Blacks are international. They tend to dissociate themselves from the shame associated with being “Regular” Black, unaware that there is no such thing. The stigma of being “black” is too much to bear, so they would rather not. These Not-Black Blacks are typically Caribbean, African, not American, and/or mixed Americans.

THE APPROACH:
Don’t make jokes. This black is serious. Play along or back away.

KEY PHRASES:
“Your nose looks so European”; “Your hair is so silky and curly”; “I would never have thought you were black.”

The Position-of-Power Black:

This black is typically a hybrid. Unfortunately, however, the wee bit of power granted to this black eclipses all other personalities. Positions of Power can range from security guards/police officers to executives. Many times, the POP Black relishes the ability to turn other blacks away, dripping with condescension at every opportunity. The POP Black’s asshole tendencies do not discriminate; power is power, and they will make you aware of this at every turn. However, POP blacks
do
tend to be harder on blacks so as to demonstrate that they are not discriminating.

THE APPROACH:
Keep your words to a minimum and do NOT smile.

CONVERSATION TIPS:
They don’t enjoy conversations. Keep it moving.

The Ratchet Black:

Previously known as “The Ghetto Black” or “The Hoodrat Black,” these blacks are always pitted as black embarrassment. They are generally referred to as the Bottom-of-the-Barrel Blacks. Shaped by their environment, they are frequently feared and misunderstood.

THE APPROACH:
Put on your Black-cent, if you have one. If your Black-cent isn’t natural, don’t force it; Ratchet Blacks will sniff you out. Make eye contact; don’t act superior, because you’re not. Don’t be intimidated; just be yourself. If they don’t sense an immediate connection,
they
will walk away from
you
, because you are weird.

KEY PHRASES:
“Okay, girl”; “I know that’s right”; “For real”; “I love Beyoncé.”

The Strong Black:

This black is tired from carrying the world on his or her shoulders. The Strong Black typically comes from a single-parent household and is used to getting things done on his or her own. Public emotions are rarely emitted from this particular black. Movies, in particular, love to exhibit and portray the Strong Black. One doesn’t question what they’ve been through to make them so strong; we just accept their emotionless state as is.