Authors: Madeleine L'engle
The Moon by Night (15 page)
That night after dinner Mother and Aunt Elena played two piano music. Rob, Suzy, and Maggy went to bed, but John and I sprawled on the couches in the living room and listened, half asleep ourselves. After a while Mother said, “Oh, Elena, I'm so rusty I can't make my fingers do a thing. You play for us.”
Aunt Elena played and suddenly I realized that I'd missed this kind of music. At home I never think much about it. It's always there in the background. Mother'd never get any housework done if she didn't play records, LOUD, to drown it out. And if I
did
think about it at home, it was to feel that it was longhair stuff, dull, nothing I liked much. But listening to Aunt Elena playing, the music from her big grand piano filling the house, I began to feel happy all over without really knowing why. It was as though a hunger I didn't even realize existed had been satisfied.
did
think about it at home, it was to feel that it was longhair stuff, dull, nothing I liked much. But listening to Aunt Elena playing, the music from her big grand piano filling the house, I began to feel happy all over without really knowing why. It was as though a hunger I didn't even realize existed had been satisfied.
Three days at Laguna and never a word from Zachary. I kept thinking maybe he'd called while we were out, because we were off on trips or at the beach most of the day. But he could have called in the evening, couldn't he? It wasn't like Zach to give up on something like that. And what about a letter? There's always mail. We had letters from some of the kids in Thornhill, and we wrote everybody postcards. But not a squawk from Zachary. I came to the sad conclusion that once he'd got back to Los Angeles and all the sophisticated, rich girls there, he didn't care any more about a doctor's kid from New England.
Then the fourth afternoon when we were walking up from the beach there was a red convertible parked by the house, and Zachary was sitting on the terrace steps, smoking a pipe. My hair was all wet and dripping, but I did have on a good-looking bathing suit, a hand-me-down from Aunt Elena, and Zachary himself had said my figure is okay. Uncle Douglas looked at Zachary and then he looked at me, and then his eyebrows went up in the same way that Daddy's do.
Zachary got up from the steps and came down and introduced himself to Uncle Douglas and Aunt Elena and said hello to the rest of us. He couldn't have been more polite or charming, but I thought there was a kind of glint behind it all, as though it didn't come really from inside him, but was some kind of an act. It's difficult to explain. It wasn't that he was phony. Zachary is lots of things, but phony is one thing he is
not
. It was just that there was somehow more to it than met the eye. He asked if he could take me out to dinner, but Uncle Douglas and Aunt Elena invited him to dinner instead. Mother and Daddy didn't say anything. They looked at each other. I didn't like it.
not
. It was just that there was somehow more to it than met the eye. He asked if he could take me out to dinner, but Uncle Douglas and Aunt Elena invited him to dinner instead. Mother and Daddy didn't say anything. They looked at each other. I didn't like it.
After dinner Aunt Elena and Mother played two piano, and then Aunt Elena played, and it turned out that Zachary knew a lot about music, he really did, and you could see that Aunt Elena thought he was just wonderful. At least
some
body besides me appreciated him.
some
body besides me appreciated him.
After he'd left and I was ready for bed and went to say good night to Uncle Douglas, where he and Daddy were sitting out on the terrace, Uncle Douglas pulled me to him and said, “That's quite a boy you picked up, Vicky.”
“I didn't pick him up,” I said. “He picked me up.”
“You don't think he's too old for you?”
“He's not that old. And I'm not that young any longer, Uncle Douglas.”
“He's an appealing kid,” Uncle Douglas said. “I'd like to paint him. Those planes to his face are a painter's joy. But do your old Uncle a favor and watch it, Vicky, will you?”
Zachary'd invited me to go to the theater with him the next night, where some group he knew was giving a performance of
The Diary of Anne Frank
. Aunt Elena invited him to come over in time for a swim and dinner. He looked very thin and white in his swimming trunks. Here he was living in California and he didn't have any tan at all.
The Diary of Anne Frank
. Aunt Elena invited him to come over in time for a swim and dinner. He looked very thin and white in his swimming trunks. Here he was living in California and he didn't have any tan at all.
The waves were rougher than usual that day, and Daddy just looked at Zach and said, “No swimming for you, Zachary, please.” The please was just courtesy.
Zachary scowled as though he were about to argue, but then he said, “I'm just going to sit on a rock for ten minutes and dangle my feet. I don't want to get brown. Come sit with me, Vicky. Don't be a muffin with a sun fetish like everybody else.”
You get a better sun tan if you're wet; also I didn't want to seem in too much of a hurry to do exactly what he wanted me to do, so I gave myself a good dunking, rode in once on the breakers, got tumbled around and a mouth full of pebbles for my hurry, and went to sit on the rock with Zachary.
We sat there silently, and then he asked me, sort of formally, as though we'd just met instead of having had all those talks in Tennessee and Colorado, and as though he'd never kissed me the way he did, “How d'you like California?”
“I like it.”
“I've got a couple of your aunt's records. Didn't know you had celebrities in the family.”
I suppose Aunt Elena
is
a celebrity if you know a lot about music. “Uncle Douglas says he'd like to paint you,” I said. I didn't want Uncle Douglas being left out.
is
a celebrity if you know a lot about music. “Uncle Douglas says he'd like to paint you,” I said. I didn't want Uncle Douglas being left out.
Sitting there on the rock Zachary gave a little bow, still all very formal. “I'd be honored.”
We sat there and then we didn't say anything. It was very uncomfortable. I knew I ought to be able to think of lots of things to say, but I couldn't. And Zachary, who'd always kept the conversation going before, just wasn't talking.
Finally I said, “I don't think the Pacific looks as big as the Atlantic, but John says it's bigger.”
He just nodded.
I'd started, so I had to go on. “Well, you see, the thing is, it doesn't
look
bigger. It looks smaller. The Pacific does. And I've figured out why. The reason it looks so small is that it doesn't go on stretching out and out to the horizon the way the Atlantic does.”
look
bigger. It looks smaller. The Pacific does. And I've figured out why. The reason it looks so small is that it doesn't go on stretching out and out to the horizon the way the Atlantic does.”
Zachary turned to me as though I were some kind of moron. “What're you talking about? Sure it does.”
I was stuck with it. “
No
,” I said. I guess I sounded kind of desperate. “You know how gently the Atlantic goes out to the sky? You can walk and walk and you're still not even knee deep. But here you take a few steps and you're practically over your head. The land just drops instead of reaching out. So when you look out to sea there's less of it to see.”
No
,” I said. I guess I sounded kind of desperate. “You know how gently the Atlantic goes out to the sky? You can walk and walk and you're still not even knee deep. But here you take a few steps and you're practically over your head. The land just drops instead of reaching out. So when you look out to sea there's less of it to see.”
Zachary laughed loudly. A rude laugh. “Oh, grow up, Victoria. The shape of the earth is the same everywhere.”
“Butâ”
He didn't even let me begin. He said, quite violently, “Sooner or later you're going to have to face
facts
. The Pacific's bigger than the Atlantic.”
facts
. The Pacific's bigger than the Atlantic.”
I said right back, “That's not the
point
â”
point
â”
Zachary cut in. “Give up, Vicky. I'm not interested.”
I suppose you could call it a quarrel. I felt awful. I put my head down on my knees and let my fingers trail in a small puddle in a depression in the rock. I didn't want to go to the theater with Zachary that night. I didn't ever want to see him again. He was different in California. I hated him.
Then I felt fingers gentle at the back of my neck. “Vicky. I'm sorry. It's not you. It doesn't have anything to do with you. I've been in a filthy mood. Get me out of my mood.” His voice was soft, cajoling.
“Why're you in a filthy mood?”
“Just one of the times I hate everybody. Except you. Don't let me drive you away, Vicky. I have a way of doing that. Driving away anybody I happen to love. Stick by me, Vicky, will you?”
What do you do when somebody speaks to you like that, particularly if that somebody is Zachary? Sure I'd stick by him. I'd do anything he wanted me to do.
“Let's go back up to the house,” Zachary said. “I don't want to get too much sun. And if we sit here much longer your father'll start bossing me around again. I saw enough of doctors when I was sick. I haven't seen one since in spite of my parents' yammering. I refuse ever to see a doctor again. I've had enough of their inept mucking about. C'mon.”
We started up the long, steep flight of steps that led from the beach to the street. I saw Daddy looking at Zachary, but Zachary took it very slowly, stopping every once in a while as though just to talk. But I knew it was to catch his breath.
“I guess everything seems pretty crowded here after New England, doesn't it?” he asked. I nodded. “All these expensive houses sitting on their little plots of ground. Pretty nice gardens, though. Nothing like these flowers in Connecticut. Nothing exotic about Connecticut.” We went up to the top of the steps and he stopped again.
“You don't want every place to be alike,” I said. “I like Connecticut, too.”
“When I get over my mad at Hotchkiss I'll probably agree with you. I'm going to Choate next year. We managed to wangle it. All kinds of recommendations from Hotchkiss about how I ought to be given another chance and all. I'm bright enough, they're quite right about that. If I put my mind to it I can pass any exam they care to fling at me. The point is, most of the time what's the point?”
“There's lots of point,” I said. I was glad he didn't ask me to explain what the point was. Maybe he was too winded.
When we got back to the house I fixed us a couple of Cokes, first picking an enormous lemon off the tree.
That
was something
you couldn't do in Thornhill. We sat in the kitchen, because I thought I might as well help get the dinner going. Aunt Elena and Mother'd already fixed fried chicken and potato salad, so really all I had to do was make salad dressing and throw in the greens and tomatoes and all. Aunt Elena has quite a kitchen, redwood and stainless steel and a built in oven and the burners sunk into one of the countertops, all terribly modern and tidy and completely unlike our wandery old kitchen in Thornhill. For instance, in Aunt Elena's kitchen you push a button and out comes a mixer and a blender. I wondered that Maggy hadn't broken it. She's always fiddling with things like that.
That
was something
you couldn't do in Thornhill. We sat in the kitchen, because I thought I might as well help get the dinner going. Aunt Elena and Mother'd already fixed fried chicken and potato salad, so really all I had to do was make salad dressing and throw in the greens and tomatoes and all. Aunt Elena has quite a kitchen, redwood and stainless steel and a built in oven and the burners sunk into one of the countertops, all terribly modern and tidy and completely unlike our wandery old kitchen in Thornhill. For instance, in Aunt Elena's kitchen you push a button and out comes a mixer and a blender. I wondered that Maggy hadn't broken it. She's always fiddling with things like that.
When I'd finished with the salad I made iced tea, and everything was very silent between Zachary and me again. I just went about my business, and he sat and drank his Coke and looked out the kitchen windows across the banana tree to the Pacific.
“Would you marry somebody if you knew he might die at any time?” Zachary asked me in a casual way.
At that point the others all came tumbling in to the house, and Aunt Elena was thanking me for fixing things, and people were taking showers, and Mother put the
Emperor Concerto
on the phonograph, and Aunt Elena sat down at the piano and began playing along with it, it was her own recording, anyhow, and everybody was noisy and usual.
Emperor Concerto
on the phonograph, and Aunt Elena sat down at the piano and began playing along with it, it was her own recording, anyhow, and everybody was noisy and usual.
After dinner Zachary drove me to the theater. It wasn't in Laguna, but a couple of towns further south. It was a gorgeous, modern little theater, and everybody in the cast was professional, Zachary said. He was very gay, and whistling that darned melody when he wasn't talking, but at least he wasn't the way he was before dinner.
I have to tell about the play,
The Diary of Anne Frank,
not just because it was a marvelous play, but because it got all tied in with the way Zachary had been that afternoon. I guess everybody knows Anne Frank, but anyhow the play's about this young girl and her family who were in Holland during the Second World War. They had to go into hiding because of the Nazi persecution of the Jews, and they spent two years up in an attic above the place where her father had been in business. During the day when people were downstairs working in the business offices Anne and her family couldn't talk or laugh or make any noise at all. They couldn't even flush the toilet.
The Diary of Anne Frank,
not just because it was a marvelous play, but because it got all tied in with the way Zachary had been that afternoon. I guess everybody knows Anne Frank, but anyhow the play's about this young girl and her family who were in Holland during the Second World War. They had to go into hiding because of the Nazi persecution of the Jews, and they spent two years up in an attic above the place where her father had been in business. During the day when people were downstairs working in the business offices Anne and her family couldn't talk or laugh or make any noise at all. They couldn't even flush the toilet.
You know how it is, in a book or a movie, or a play, when you suddenly
are
the person it's about? Well, all during that play I
was
Anne Frank. I felt that I understood everything about her, the way she kept getting into trouble with her family and the way she was right in the middle of growing up, not a child and not an adult, so she kept doing things all wrong, just like me. And then there was this boy, and the actor who played him looked like Zachary. And there they were, Anne Frank and the boy, hiding from the Nazis and everything, and discovering each other. But nobody really understood how she felt about the boy because they didn't think she was grown up enough yet.
are
the person it's about? Well, all during that play I
was
Anne Frank. I felt that I understood everything about her, the way she kept getting into trouble with her family and the way she was right in the middle of growing up, not a child and not an adult, so she kept doing things all wrong, just like me. And then there was this boy, and the actor who played him looked like Zachary. And there they were, Anne Frank and the boy, hiding from the Nazis and everything, and discovering each other. But nobody really understood how she felt about the boy because they didn't think she was grown up enough yet.
One evening the family had their Hannukah festival. This is a little bit like our Christmas, because it's a time of love, and everybody gives presents. Of course there weren't any presents when they were in hiding, but Anne had managed somehow to make something for everybody. Some of the presents were funny, and everybody was gay, and they were all laughing, and almost able to forget they were unhappy.
Every Christmas Eve in Thornhill we have a special candlelight service, and Mother always sings the solo part of “Lullay My Liking” and when we get home there are certain carols we always sing and Daddy reads
The Night Before Christmas
and
St. Luke
while we hang up our stockings. Well, the Hanukkah festival has traditions like that, candles in an eight-branched candelabra, and as part of the ritual the mother of the family says, “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills,” and everybody is full of joy and peace. Just the way we always are at Christmastime.
The Night Before Christmas
and
St. Luke
while we hang up our stockings. Well, the Hanukkah festival has traditions like that, candles in an eight-branched candelabra, and as part of the ritual the mother of the family says, “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills,” and everybody is full of joy and peace. Just the way we always are at Christmastime.
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