The Mother Garden

The Arrival

Lost and Found

Where Nothing Is

The Egg Game

The Tilt

The Beads

A Romance

No Small Feat

Weight

Celia's Fish

The Mother Garden

Family Epic

M
Y MOTHER'S GOING TO DIE.
T
HIS IS FACT.
A
ND
there are things that must be done. Last week she instructed us to donate her retirement savings. My father hedged and I cried, but she remained firm. “These sorts of things shouldn't be left to the last minute,” she said. She wanted to know where that money would end up, and she was too tired to make the calls herself. We diligently obliged, taking notes until we'd compiled an exhaustive array of possibilities. Now she's furious. After glancing at the list, she's decided we're ready to bury her.

“It's too much reality for me,” she says. When she cries, the oxygen tubes get clogged and she has to pull them out. Then she can't breathe. My father's gone out for a walk, as he always does right before she breaks down. I'm left watching the ocean out the window, trying to arrange the problems into something we can talk about.

“We don't have to do this now,” I say. (Or ever. You were the one who sent us on this absurd mission.) I want her to look strong, to stand up and start putting the dishes away.

My mother shakes her head.

“I don't want to die,” she says. She's been wearing the same blue fleece zipper robe for days. She pulls a Kleenex from the box, yanks the tubes, and looks like she's strangling. I stand dumbly next to her, staring at the top of her head.

I've been visiting my parents at their beach cabin all week. It's warm for early spring. I can sit on the deck without a jacket and watch the waves hit rocks. Sometimes flocks of birds land on the craggy outcroppings. Sometimes a fishing boat appears on the horizon.

The cabin rests on a bluff outside Yachats, a small Oregon beach town. The few neighbors keep their distance, not knowing what to say to a hairless woman who puts an oxygen canister in the seat of her wheelchair, tottering alongside it, tubes pulsing and hissing. A new house is being built up the road; someday soon the dune grass will be filled with houses. They'll obscure the ocean view. Families will park cars on sparkling cement; kids will scatter toys on new lawns. But now there's only sky and sea and a handful of graying wood cabins. Crab nets hang from porches. Driftwood mobiles clatter in the wind. If you jump down the rocks, you are almost always alone with the crash of waves, the cry of gulls, the hard ridges of sand under your feet.

“Do you want some lunch?” I ask my mother. She's calmed down a bit, her eyes focused on the bright lights of the television. Lately, when she sits in the chair, staring at the screen, she looks childlike—it's in the downward pull of her bottom lip, the way her cheeks have puffed out from steroids.

“No thanks,” she says. I root around the fridge and find a large container of yogurt. From the deck, I see my father and the dogs walking back to the cabin. His bad knee makes his gait recognizable from a distance. Rhythmic and slow, he veers perpetually left. He's taken to wearing a news cap, like an old man.

A few minutes later, the dogs, Pico and Lila, bound up the stairs. They wag and drool, slide around the wood floors. My mother ignores them. My father lopes up, sets his coat on the banister, and goes into the bedroom. He'll take a nap now. And the dogs will calm down and follow him. And my mother will block out the world. And I will stare at my feet and feel so quiet it could be a spell that was cast over me.

Yesterday the three of us were sitting quietly on the deck, trying to feel the sun through the wind. No one spoke. My mother closed her eyes. My father gazed at the water. I noted how the deck wasn't made of real wood; it was a weird synthetic wood, gray like all the real wood on the rest of the house, not brown like the wood would have been when the house was new. And I wondered whether the deck was an add-on, built to match the gray wood, or whether at one point the brown house stood on the grass with a gray deck attached like a prosthetic limb. Then my father shot up, his spine a dart. “A whale!” he cried, delighted or distressed, it was hard to tell; he pointed at the blue-black expanse.

My mother nodded vigorously as I squinted out into the blueness. “Look at the roof to the right,” she said, pointing her manicured nail toward the vastness. “Then look straight out.” I couldn't see it.

It was just the spouting they saw; water in the distance emerging from more water in the distance, but it seemed to make them cheerful for a while. Now, sitting here on the deck with my bowl of yogurt, I think I see something moving. It could be a small log straying from one of the mills up the coast. It could be a large piece of foam. Maybe it's a sea lion?

“Hey!” I call into the house. “There's something in the water!” My mother turns. “Maybe a little whale?” I want it to be a whale. Please God, I know you don't like us, but if you're listening, let it be a whale—

“Really?” My mother hoists herself up and tugs at the tubing. She lumbers over to the deck. I point straight ahead.

My parents' bedroom window looks over the opposite side of the deck, and my father, unwilling to miss large life events like this, appears at the screen door with his binoculars.

“Where?” he says. We sit in silence. And then, close to the shore, the thing bobs again. This time it's gangly, struggling. It's not a whale.

“Oh God,” I say. My father sets his binoculars down.

The person glides on a wave and crawls onto shore, collapsing a few feet from the tide line.

“Go down there,” my mother says. “David, go see what's going on.” My father adjusts his binoculars and puts them back up to his face.

“It's a woman,” he says.

“Well, go down and see if she needs help!”

My father grips the railing.

“I'll go,” I say.

A strong breeze blows the brownish grass toward the water, making it look silver. Despite the proximity of the beach, it's hard to get to the sand from here. Steep, sharp rocks jut from the bluff.

The woman is sprawled facedown on the sand, palms open, her blond hair darkened by the water. She wears dirty white capri pants and a pink sweater.

“Hey!” I call from the top of the rocks. My father approaches. Without his hat, his bald spot shines in the sun. I squat, dangle one leg toward the beach, and jump. My father stays firmly planted on the grass above.

She's about my age, late twenties, early thirties and pretty, with freckles across her tanned face. A thick silver bracelet peeks from the ripped sleeve of her sweater. She's missing one shoe; the toenails on her bare foot shimmer with purple polish.

“What's happening?” my father calls.

“Nothing,” I yell back. She twitches slightly, props herself up on an elbow, and jerks her head like she has water in her ear. A trickle runs from her nose, gets caught right above her curvy lips.

“Hey!” my father yells. We turn to look at him. He waves.

I take a tissue out of my pocket and hold it out to her. She grabs her curls, wrings them out.

“What the hell,” she says, looking down at her body.

“Go get a towel,” I call up to my father. He stands there for a moment like he wants to say something, then he turns, glancing back over his shoulder, and veers left toward the house.

She shakes her head, turns away from me, and looks into the sky. Mist rolls slowly in off the ocean, bringing with it a slow, cold wind. She moves uncomfortably for a moment, writhing in her skin. Then she grabs the sleeves of her sweater and yanks it over her head. She holds it away from her, twists the water out, and sets it neatly beside her on the sand. Her sexy lace camisole matches the purple of her toenails.

“It would be nice of you to tell me what's going on here,” she says. She's snarling slightly, giving me the same lip-of-disdain the blond chemo nurse always gives my mother, as if putting the needle in the port is going to damage her nails, as if no one in nursing school had warned her that for this particular job, you were going to have to
touch
the sick.

My father trots back with the towel.

“Here you go!” he calls, and tosses it down to us. It lands on the rocks a few feet away.

She glares at me, waiting.

“I have no idea what's going on,” I say to her. It's one of the old brown dog towels from the garage and I'm embarrassed to give it to her. “Do you want to dry off?” She snatches the towel.

“Whatever,” she says and pats at her hair. She looks at me as if
I've
just washed up on
her
beach. “Where's my other shoe?”

Her name is Gracie and she has no choice. She has to come back to the house. We have a shower, a phone. She can figure out what to do. She scrapes her foot on the rocky incline and then walks stiffly next to my father and me, across the prickly grass.

“Are you all right?” my father asks her, his voice grave.

“I'm fine,” she says. It's a doorstop of a tone.

My mother stands by the top of the stairs, waiting. The oxygen hisses a little tune up her nose. Gracie looks at my mother and freezes. It's always difficult, this moment—watching strangers assess and absorb my mother's display of bodily decline.

Gracie drips water onto the wood floor.

“Mom, this is Gracie. Gracie, this is Ellen.”

“Hello,” Gracie says, taking the final few steps toward her. She's visibly uncomfortable, shivering, and I can see her reservation as she extends her hand. “Sorry to intrude.”

My mother takes Gracie's hand in both of her own. “You look how I feel, dear,” she says, smiling the bright smile my father and I haven't seen in months. Gracie smiles too. Her teeth are obviously capped.

“I'm putting up water for tea,” my mother says, shuffling toward the stove. “Why don't you hop in the shower and Nina'll get you some dry clothes to put on.” She doesn't look at me when she says this. “There are towels under the sink. And if you need to use the phone, go ahead. There's one in the bedroom.”

Gracie disappears into the bathroom.

“What happened?” my mother whispers.

“I have no idea,” I whisper back. “She wasn't exactly forthcoming. In fact, she's kind of bitchy.”

My mother turns away from me. “For God's sake, Nina. I can't imagine you'd be Pollyanna if you were wet and cold. What do you expect?” I turn to my father for backup, but he's vanished back into the bedroom with the dogs.

My mother goes to the fridge and starts taking out sandwich food.

“I can do that,” I say, reaching for the cucumber. She swings it away.

“Contrary to popular belief,” she says, raising her eyebrows, “I'm not dead yet.” Her oxygen tube gets caught on the stool by the bar. I unhook it. She yanks the slack toward her and gets out the peeler.

“Go get Gracie some clothes,” she says again, whacking the cucumber with the blade.

I take the stairs slowly. Is this just jealousy? That I can't make my mother stand up for lunch? That she hasn't called me “dear” in ages? The water from the shower rumbles. Every time Gracie flips her hair up there, I can hear the slap of water against the floor.

It's been months since I've seen my mother animated. In the last months she'd turned dour and brooding, yelling at my father and me for our worried looks, our bad taste in movies, our overeager willingness to be quiet. Or worse, she'd sit at the table and stare at the newspaper. If you talked to her, she would pretend not to hear. She was made of granite, she was waiting us out.

I didn't pack much for this trip. I sit beside my suitcase and finger my red shirt. I should have taken a pair of ugly, paint-stained sweats. Some dirty socks. A turkey costume.

Back upstairs, I set the clothes on the kitchen bar.

“Go knock and give them to Gracie,” my mother says. She's cutting a peeled cucumber for the cream cheese sandwiches and she looks different—a few inches taller, her neck straight, shoulders square.

I stand in front of the bathroom door. It's quiet in there. My knock sounds loud.

“Yes?” Gracie sings. “Come in!” I open the door. She turns toward me, wrapped in one of my mother's red luxury bath sheets. She runs my mother's wooden brush through her hair—my mother's brush? Where did she dig that out from? My mother's eye shadow and foundation are on the counter as well.

“Thanks,” she says, plucking the clothes from my hands. She takes the door and, with a smile that's tight-lipped and all eyes, gently shuts me out.

Back in the kitchen, my mother sets the little sandwiches on her nicest platter. She's cut up oranges, placing them around the sandwiches like little sun rays. A cup of mint tea steams beside it, for Gracie.

“That's pretty,” I say.

“Go set the table,” she says.

I set out the plates, heavy silverware, tall striped glasses. A woman in my mother's support group made the place mats. They're laminated copies of pastel parrots. Gracie emerges looking like she's hatched from the center of a flower, an oversized Thumbelina. Her blond curls hang heavy, towel-dried into damp ringlets. Her lanky body does something new to my clothes. The pants hang on her, suggesting long, shapely legs. The shirt gathers where she's pushed up the sleeves. She glides to the table.