The Mothers (14 page)

“Mo, relax,” Aubrey said. “She probably wouldn't come anyway. Mrs. Sheppard said I might regret it if I don't at least invite her—”

“So you want her to come.”

“I don't know,” she said, although she had already imagined the reunion: her mother stepping off the train, carrying a small green suitcase, as the flaps of the past began to lift. Her hair would be shorter now, whipping around her head in curls tinted with silver. She would wear a coral cardigan buttoned all the way to her neck because the coastal breeze would chill her and she'd glance around the station, shielding her eyes from the sun, until she spotted Aubrey.
Then she'd smile, and at breakfast, Aubrey would notice all the little things her mother did, the way she sliced her muffin diagonally, how she folded her arms when she was listening, the way she always chatted with the waiter when he checked on them. She would feel like a little girl again, enraptured by her mother's face.

“Who cares what Mrs. Sheppard thinks?” Mo said. “She's not your mother.”

“Neither are you,” Aubrey said. She'd felt gratified at first, but later, she felt sick, picturing the way her sister's dark eyes had widened and filled. Her eyes weren't one of the features they shared, inherited from their mother. Aubrey's eyes were her father's, a man neither of them knew. When she was young, Aubrey had cried when she first learned that they were only half sisters. It's okay, her sister had told her, because I love you twice as much.

“Whose wedding is it?” Nadia had said over the phone that night.

“Mine.”

“And who gets to be the wedding dictator?”

“Me.”

“Thank you. If Mo doesn't want to talk to her, she doesn't have to. But it's your wedding and you should invite whoever the hell you want. Life is short and if you want to see your mom again, you should.”

Aubrey dug her fingernails into her palm. She used to do this often when she first moved in with her sister. A bad thought appeared, and she made a fist, squeezing as hard as she could. Her sister would always grab her hands and rub them between hers, like they were just cold. On the edge of her bed, she opened her palm, watching the tiny, clear crescents turn red.

“You there?” Nadia said. Her voice sounded farther away.

“I'm sorry,” Aubrey said. She hadn't even realized how insensitive it was to ask Nadia whether she should invite her mother.

“Why're you apologizing? You didn't kill her.”

“Still.”

“Don't, okay?”

“Don't what?”

“Treat me like some poor sad girl.”

“I'm not.” Aubrey paused. “I wish I could've known your mom.”

“Me too,” Nadia said.

Aubrey wondered if they were the only ones who felt they didn't know their mothers. Maybe mothers were inherently vast and unknowable.

“How's Michigan?” she asked.

“Cold as fuck. It's still snowing. Can you believe that?”

“That's what you get for wanting seasons.”

“Fuck that. Seasons are overrated.”

She liked listening to Nadia's adventures in Michigan, how that first winter, her friends from Chicago had taken her to a Von Maur to find a coat and boots, how they'd laughed at her for being so fascinated with the Midwestern department store where a live pianist played as she slipped her feet into fuzzy boots. She had only fallen on ice once, her sophomore year on the way to a party, and she was proud that she'd caught herself with the hand that wasn't holding the beer. Nadia had lived in other places too. Her summer internship in Madison at the state capitol, her semester abroad at Oxford, where she took weekend trips to Edinburgh and Berlin, how in Paris, she'd gotten caught by the Metro doors slamming shut on her backpack and a crowd of annoyed Parisians had to yank her free. Aubrey loved that story, the idea that the unflinchingly cool Nadia
Turner would be so awkward in one of the most sophisticated cities on the planet. Maybe you didn't know who you would be in the world. Maybe you were a different person everywhere you lived.

“Tell me your England story again,” she said, “about the boat.”

A punt, Nadia had explained when she'd e-mailed her. She and some friends had gone punting on the River Cherwell. She had been the only one brave enough to steer the punt because the other girls were intimidated by stories of the pole getting stuck in the mud along the riverbank and the boat overturning. So Nadia had steered while everyone drank Pimm's and champagne, herself drinking more than she probably should have because it was so hot. She was tipsy and tired from pushing the pole, but she'd steered the punt the entire time, passing under the leafy trees. She did not flip the boat once. It was, Nadia had written, one of the best days of her life.

Over the phone, Nadia let out a low laugh. Aubrey imagined her in her Michigan apartment, sitting by a window, watching the snow fall.

—

A
WEEK BEFORE
her best friend's wedding, Nadia came home.

She leaned toward the window as the plane descended through the springtime fog. Spiky tops of palm trees emerged, then the red Spanish rooftops that covered every home. The houses had been the first thing she noticed when she landed in Michigan—white with slate roofs, like the homes she'd only seen in movies, not tan stucco topped with wavy red. In the San Diego Airport bathroom, she fixed her hair while two women spoke Spanish beside her, and even though she could only understand snatches of words, she felt grateful for the familiar foreign sound.

When she stepped outside the terminal, her father waved from the curb. He was hard to miss—the only man nearby in a truck. She didn't wave back but she started toward him, dragging her suitcase and balancing her coffee. She was wearing huge sunglasses, even though the sky was cloudy, and she felt cheated by the overcast sky, as if the city had known the sunshine was one thing she was looking forward to and had denied her of it anyway. As she neared, her father climbed out of his truck to help her with her bag. They smiled at each other, tentatively, as if both were afraid the other might not smile back.

“Well, look who it is,” he said.

“Hi Dad.”

He reached out to hug her and she hugged him back, an awkward, one-armed hug so she didn't spill her coffee. He looked the same but a little older, his skin more wrinkled, his hair sprinkled with more gray. She wondered who cut his hair now.

“It's funny,” he said, pulling onto the 5. “You drink coffee now.”

He smiled a little, nodding at her cup. She'd never drunk coffee before college. She'd tried a sip of her mother's once but nearly spit it out. She'd expected it to be sweet, like hot chocolate, but it tasted bitter and gross. Now she couldn't even drink hot chocolate anymore—she'd bought a box of it last winter to lift her spirits but it was so sweet, she threw it out. Airport Starbucks was barely coffee, and she already missed the French press at Shadi's apartment, even though the first time he showed her how to use it, she'd rolled her eyes and said she wanted a cup of coffee, not a science experiment. But she didn't tell her father this. She didn't need him to know how many mornings she woke up at Shadi's.

“Your friend,” her father said, “he's flying in later?”

“On Friday,” she said. “I hope that's okay.”

At the Detroit Metro Airport, Shadi had kissed her good-bye. “I know you hate going home,” he'd said, rubbing the back of her neck where her hair met her skin. “You're a good friend.” She'd kissed him again because she wasn't a good friend, not even close. A good friend would not have to muster joy for her best friend's wedding, a good friend felt it naturally. She felt anxious about this whole trip and she couldn't decide if Shadi flying in to stay with her and her father made her feel better or worse.

“And your term?” her father said. “It went well?”

“It was fine,” she said.

“And you'll get your diploma and everything?”

“They're sending it here.”

“Okay. That's good.”

“You're not mad about that, right?”

He shrugged. “I would've liked to see you graduate,” he said. “But you gotta do what you think is best.”

She leaned against the warm windowpane as they passed the Del Mar lagoon. Shadi had called her selfish, but her father wouldn't even admit that he was upset, and somehow, that was even more frustrating.

When they pulled up to the house, she followed her father, who insisted on carrying her suitcase, to the front door. She stepped inside after him and suddenly stopped. The house felt different, smelled different even, as if it were a living organism whose basic chemistry had changed. Could a house change its smell in a few years? Or had she just forgotten what it was like to be home? She glanced around the living room and realized what had actually changed. Her father had taken down the photographs. Not all of the photographs—she inched forward and spotted one of her on the coffee table, her high
school graduation picture on the mantel. Just the photographs of her mother. Light rectangles marked the walls where she had been.

“How could he do that?” she asked Shadi later. “She's my mother.”

She had never cried in front of him and crying into the phone felt as embarrassing as if he'd been watching. She crouched on the carpet by her bed, dabbing her eyes with her tank top.

“Maybe it hurts him to look at her,” Shadi said.

“It's like she was never here. Like he never loved her.”

“I think he still loves her. That's why it hurts so much.”

“I'm sorry,” she said.

“Why? You didn't do anything wrong.”

“Still. You didn't call to hear all this shit.”

“It's your life,” he said, “I want to hear it.”

She closed her eyes, trying to remember the photos that had hung on the walls. She had passed these pictures every day, but now she only remembered them vaguely—her parents on their wedding day, her mother in a garden, her family at Knott's Berry Farm. How had she not memorized them? Or maybe she had once but she was beginning to forget. Did the house smell different because her mother's scent was gone? Or had she just forgotten how her mother smelled?

—

T
HE
S
HEPPARDS LIVED
in a sleepy, sedate neighborhood, one home in a row of identical houses with wavy roofs and canopies of arching palm trees. On the front porch, a brown welcome mat read
God Bless This Home—
a prayer or an order, anybody's guess. In the front entrance, tan walls were covered in paintings (two women playing lawn croquet, a funeral procession painting they had seen on
The Cosby Show
). A mahogany piano that looked too pristine to be played
rested against the staircase, and on top of it were carefully arranged family portraits. Pastor and Mrs. Sheppard smiling in front of a chapel on their wedding day, the proud parents posing with their newborn son, and toward the end of the piano, teenage Luke in a cap and gown, glowering at the camera, too cocky to smile.

The afternoon of the wedding shower, Nadia followed voices into the backyard, where round tables, covered in deep red tablecloths, clustered on the Sheppards' lawn. The catering crew, a passel of black teenagers in starched white shirts and aprons, ushered around the yard, pouring ice water and lemonade into glass goblets. She spotted Aubrey across the lawn, under a leafy tree surrounded by a circle of women. She wore a white dress swirled with gold that flowed to her knees, her curly black hair hanging to her shoulders, and she was laughing, her hand covering her mouth. It was striking, how perfectly she belonged here.

Aubrey beamed when she saw Nadia pick her way across the grass. She skipped over to her, throwing her arms around her neck, and their bodies collided, knees knocking.

“I can't believe you're back!” Aubrey said. “I missed you so much.”

“Me too.” Nadia laughed, feeling silly for hugging in the middle of the yard but unwilling to let go first.

Aubrey looped an arm through hers and guided her around the party, past women from Upper Room who seemed as shocked to see her again as if she'd floated out to space. Well, look who it is, they said. Others pulled her into hugs and said, more pointedly, well, look who finally decided to come back home. In their eyes, she was a prodigal daughter, worse than that even, because she hadn't returned home penniless and humbled. A prodigal daughter, you could pity. But she'd abandoned her home and returned better off, with stories
of her fascinating college courses, her impressive internships, her cosmopolitan boyfriend, and her world travels. (“Paris?” Sister Willis said, when she'd shared the story. “Well,
la-di-da.
”) Was she pretentious now? Or had leaving caused an irreparable tear between her and the other women at Upper Room? Or maybe that fissure had always been there and leaving had allowed her to see it. Halfway through the conversation, Mrs. Sheppard wandered over to the circle. She wore a pink skirt suit and heels that sank into the grass as she walked.

“Welcome back, honey,” she said, patting Nadia's shoulder.

Nadia wanted to tell Mrs. Sheppard about all that she'd done in the past four years. Her residence on the dean's list, her internships, her trips abroad. She'd gone away and made something of herself and she wanted Mrs. Sheppard to know. But just as quickly as she'd said hello, the first lady was gone, bustling around the yard, chatting with the other guests. She didn't care about anything Nadia had accomplished. Any interest she might have held in her had faded years ago, as soon as Nadia ceased working for her. So Nadia swallowed her stories. She allowed Aubrey to drag her to another group of women, and when the tour ended, she made her way to a table where Monique and Kasey were seated. She hugged both of them, grateful for their familiarity.

“Enjoying the spectacle?” Monique said.