The Muse (14 page)

Yes, we flirted a bit beyond friendly the other day. This flirting reshaped my world. I would bet my condo that Eva, having already experienced many flirty romps through Twitterland, thought little of it. She’d get over me just as quickly as she discovered me.

I couldn’t bear to have her be disappointed in the real me. How long could I keep up the charade of being an athlete myself, running marathons like they were romps through the city park? I couldn’t compete with this gorgeous lady, and I certainly didn’t want to be the fool in the end assuming she’d actually enjoy life with someone like me, the real plain Jane who worried about things like whether words would stay trapped in the back of my throat when I opened my mouth to speak.

I wouldn’t know what to do with her.

The flirts probably didn’t even mean anything to her. She was just a nice person who liked to have fun. She could walk up to anyone in real life and flirt. She didn’t need a computer screen and keyboard as her crutch. She’d get tired of this quickly, no doubt, and beg to meet me.

I couldn’t imagine the scene. I couldn’t very well get drunk on sangria every time I wanted to date her. I’d surely climb to a size twenty in no time.

I faced a hopeless fork in the road.

So, I made another one of those promises with myself. If I opened my Twitter and had a message from her, I’d take that as a sign to have a bit more fun with this before putting it to rest. If there was no message from her, I’d cut myself off and walk away from the addiction.

I opened Twitter, and she beckoned me right away with her mysterious force, luring me back into this land of flirts.

We bantered back and forth a little and then as if fate sat above my keyboard and started messing with me, she asked me if I worked out. Of course I was like, “Oh my gosh, yes, of course. All the time.” And I even threw in another ‘babe.’

“Fitness is so sexy. I admire when people honor their bodies and treat them like the temples they are.”

“Oh, yeah, absolutely.” I sucked in my gut, willing it to go away.

“Do you run?”

Oh, yes, sure. From situations like this typically.
“I do a little light jogging from time to time. It clears the mind.”
Shut up, Jane!

“I’m coming to Maryland next week. Do you want to join me for a run?”

My heart drummed way too much. “Next week you say?”

“I checked the weather and it’s going to be blue skies and sun every day.”

I treaded in water much too deep. “Are you kidding?” I tossed in a frown. “Seriously next week?” I could lie and tell her I was heading out of town for a friend’s wedding. She’d want to see pictures for sure. I could say I faced a strict deadline for a work project that would require me to focus the entire time on just that. Then, she’d ask me where I worked and my CarefreeJanie cover would be blown and all the fun would vanish as quickly as it arrived. Better she continued to believe I earned my living writing short stories about passionate kisses.

“You’re not going to be there are you?”

I waited for my garden of insights to grow something I could use here, but nothing, just rich topsoil with no growth this time around. When in doubt, vague always worked best. “No. I’ve got a prior commitment.”

“Next time, I guess.”

Thank God. “What a shame. Maybe I’ll surprise you and get up to see you first.” I just had to keep the ball rolling.

“Come and I’ll take care of you.”

I could just see her, bending over me with a blanket, tucking me into her couch, kissing my forehead with her petal soft lips and brushing a few strands of my hair away. “I bet you will.”

“Mmm. I really like you, CarefreeJanie.”

My core filled with sweet joy. “Likewise (wink).”

“I hope you have a great rest of the day. I’m off to get my motorcycle serviced.”

I had seen her straddled over her shiny blue motorcycle in many of her pictures on Facebook. Of course, I couldn’t tell her that. “Oh, you ride a motorcycle?”

“Yup. So much easier than dealing with a car in the city. I’ll give you a ride one of these days.”

“I’d like that.”

“Me too.”

# #

I ran over to Larry’s condo and stole his precious Insanity DVDs. He had praised this Shaun T guy for getting him into respectable shape the past summer. For three months, Larry dedicated himself to spending every morning with Shaun T and the gang, sweating and pumping his muscles full of life and vigor. He glowed. He walked taller. He even managed to turn more heads.

I needed that.

Within fifteen minutes, water bottle filled, sports bra in place, couch moved back, and Larry’s yoga mat front and center, I began jogging in place as Shaun T, with his gleaming bald head and rock hard body, instructed me to breathe and dig deeper and follow his lead. I watched the timer at the bottom of the screen. It hadn’t even moved a minute and my heart already raced, my face burned, the sweat already sprang up on my forehead. I felt great. I broke into jumping jacks and mountain climbers and ski abs like I’d been doing this workout my whole life. I inhaled, exhaled, and tore through the workout, proud of myself for pushing myself into this frenzy where my heart beat faster than it had in years. Then Shaun T instructed me to get a swig of water so we could go into stretching now that our muscles were nice and warmed up.

Apparently, I had just endured the warm-up.

Before I knew it, I jumped into full workout mode. About half way into the first set of circuit exercises, I quit. I couldn’t take one more squat. I sprawled out on Larry’s yoga mat with my arms and legs spread wide, panting, willing breath to once again enter my body and relieve me of the nagging pull on my lungs.

Half an hour later, I climbed to my feet and sat in front of my laptop again. I peeked at the pictures of Eva I had downloaded from her Facebook, the ones of her covered in mud, clothes clinging to her muscles. Yup, I turned from innocent twenty-nine-year-old virgin to creepy stalker overnight.

She was so healthy and vibrant.

I wanted to be just like her.

I wanted for once not to be embarrassed about the way I looked. I wanted to be able to snap a photo of myself and be proud of the image I captured.

I could start slowly. I didn’t need to kill myself with Shaun T and the gang.

I would start out with a walk the next day.

Yep, I could take charge of this exercise life. That woman powered me with something far greater than any junk food could. She made me want to be a better version of myself.

# #

In the days that led up to Eva’s visit to main headquarters, I talked to Larry about Eva coming to town. He told me I was absolutely nuts not to walk up to her this time, smile, and congratulate her on wearing the same shoes.

When the meeting day arrived, she tweeted me. “What a shame you aren’t around today for that run. I’ve never seen the sky so blue.”

“You sure know how to tempt a girl, don’t you?”

“We could take a ride on my motorcycle after and get lost somewhere on the open road.”

I pictured the two of us together on her bike. My body cradled up against hers, smiling into the wind, hair blowing around us. I swam around in this scene, lingering in its sweet wake when I boldly typed back, “A girl on a bike. Can you be any hotter?”

“Come for a ride with me today.”

“Oh, how I wish.” I needed to stop this before she peeled back the corners of CarefreeJanie. “Hey babe, I’ve got to run. Safe travels.”

# #

I dressed extra nicely that day, even though I’d avoid her at all cost. I even blew dried my hair smooth and wore a light coating of foundation to smooth out my freckles. I drove in and when my building rose on the horizon, my throat clenched. In just a few short minutes I would see my beautiful Twitter crush.

I imagined the scene. She’d be pouring herself a cup of coffee, most likely wearing a pencil skirt and a fitted button-down dress shirt that hugged her waistline. She’d lean forward to ensure the coffee landed in her petite mug. This would cause her calf muscle to flex, and I would undoubtedly walk right past the collaboration room and back to my cubicle, beet-faced and choking back a giggle. Doreen would have to come out of her cubicle and ask me what happened. I would back down and tell her I just tripped, and Doreen would be kind enough to walk away with all questions squelched and swept away out of sight.

I would try to get close to her again once she slipped into the bathroom. I would enter a good thirty seconds after she did so as not to appear like I was, in fact, stalking her. I’d just go in and pretend to wash some ink off of my hands. She’d be in the stall, and I could once again examine her shoes, her shapely ankles, maybe even her cute, painted toes. My heart fluttered imagining myself only a few dozen feet away from her again. She’d walk out and over to the sink next to me, smile, then her face would blossom into a sneaky grin, knowing I had been the one to catch her the first time in that precarious situation. This would relieve all pressure from me and impose it on her. Of course, she’d take it in stride and continue to smile coyly at me, her head bowed, her eyes shadowed by a hint of embarrassment, and then a twinkle as she glanced up and saw me watching her. Our eyes would lock in an intense moment of recognition that something just sparked between us. I’d break the silence with Larry’s suggestion of her well-matched shoes. We’d both have a hearty laugh over this and end with a friendly tap on each other’s arms.

Sadly, my fantasies would always remain that way. I would never follow her into the bathroom. I would never watch her as she lathered warm soapy water between her delicate hands. I would never brave a sly smile. I would most certainly never face her and tell her ‘oh by the way, I’m CarefreeJanie.’

I enjoyed the mystery. I wouldn’t ruin this precious intermission in my boring, reclusive life. For the first time since seeing Rhonda’s hollow eyes stare at me through her tears, guilt lifted in the presence of Eva’s beauty. I relished in some fun finally. I deserved a chance to flirt, to fantasize, to kiss this girl, if only in my dreams.

I yanked open the door to the office building on an empathetic yes, absolutely I deserved all of this and so much more. I blew into the foyer with a determination to keep this charade going as long as possible. I would gift myself with this. The universe would gift me with this. Eva would undoubtedly view this as a gift, too, and would not be ready to face what reality dealt her just yet. I couldn’t disappoint her that way. We both benefited from this. I would not destroy that for her. Not now. Not yet. Perhaps not ever. She’d never have to find out the real me.

This could totally work as a virtual fling.

Yes. Of course it could.

I strolled in staring down at the brown carpeting, struggling to keep my laptop strap balanced on my shoulder, hiding a goofy grin brought on by musings of suds and sensual kisses in my steamy bathtub fantasies.

I waved to Ron the mailman who perched up in the receptionist booth. “Hey Jane,” he yelled out. I cringed, scanned the open foyer for her, suddenly worried she’d hear my name and connect me with CarefreeJanie.

As I rounded the corner to my department, muttering to myself what an idiot I was, I slammed right into her.

I slammed right smack into Eva Handel and her coffee mug.

Her coffee flew straight up in the air, spraying us both, splashing right down the front of her cream, fitted blouse. Coffee also spilled down the front of my taupe capri pants and into my sandals. My laptop fell to the floor, as did the box of donut holes I brought in for Doreen. Balls of dough rolled around Eva Handel’s perfectly matched shoes.

To my horror, her mouth hung open in shock. She patted the front of her blouse and looked down on herself as if she’d been shot. Her dark hair, swept to the side in a sexy, low ponytail, even dripped. My hands flew up to my mouth, and I just kept repeating “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry” over and over again.