The Muse (21 page)

“Ah, Janie. What are you doing to me?”

I moaned at her cuteness. I needed more. “I like your lips.”

“I like yours too. Both sets (wink).”

My body rose to her song. “And I'd like to feel your lips on both of them. Mmm, I just know you'd send me over the edge.” Yup, I reeled out of control and loved it.

“Your lips are wet and tasty.”

“If you keep tempting me like this, then I'm going to be forced to go 'relax.’” There, I said it, and the magic stirred in me like a well-mixed drink, smooth, balanced and tasty.

“Let’s both go and ‘relax’ and think of each other.”

I could’ve orgasmed on the spot thinking of her fingers getting naughty. I reached down into my undies and felt my wet vagina. Warm, slippery, and swollen, it pulsed under my touch. “Already started,” I managed to type with my left hand.

“Oh, you are too much, Janie. I’m joining you.”

I pictured her, feet up on her coffee table, sprawled spread eagle, her lovely swollen clit wide and smelling earthy and wild. Her fingers, dripping wet, flicking against her pink folds, toying with them, her moans and gentle strokes firing up a hailstorm of pleasure that caused her hips to grind and her mouth to open in a small seductive slit, her eyes at half mast, until finally, her whole body screamed out for me. I swam to nirvana again, my spirit merged with hers as I scaled the waves and rode them out to the open sea where I bobbed up and down climbing the walls of great water until I came upon the highest one, and up on top, Eva floated, holding out her hand, urging me to grab hers. When I did, she pulled me up and I flew to her lovely warm embrace, landing safely in her arms where I caved onto her in a heap of pleasure too great to confine. My legs trembled, my body buzzed, my lungs screamed out for breath to enter. “That was incredible.”

“You sent me over the edge, Janie.”

“Wow,” I wrote. “Wow. That’s all I’ve got.” I panted, heaving in and out, hugging myself wishing it were Eva.

# #

I sat across from Larry eating a salad splashed with oil and vinegar, something of an oddity for me. I typically smothered my rabbit food in thick, yummy ranch dressing, indulging and not caring one iota about the hundreds of extra calories I consumed. That all changed in a matter of one moment, one exciting, climaxing moment. I could no longer afford to consume useless calories, because I could no longer stand to grow my fat for reserve any longer. I would get fit. I would lose this extra twenty pounds I’d carried around since high school. I would fit into a size six one day soon. Maybe I might even expose myself to her one day. For that, I needed to prepare.

I forked another mouthful of tangy lettuce into my mouth and munched down on it as if chomping on a piece of delicious, juicy steak hot off the grill.

“You’re freaking me out. Why are you making love to Romaine lettuce?” Larry asked cutting into his chicken parmesan drizzled in decadent marina sauce.

“Eva and I shared an orgasm last night.”

His eyes flew open and before he swallowed, he spoke. “And, you’re telling me this in a crowded restaurant, why?”

“So you don’t go making a big deal out of it.” I squared off with him, squinting to match his squint, then remembering my new skin care regimen I started right after I pleased myself that morning. I could afford no more wrinkles. No more squinting. Sunblock every moment in the sun. When I laughed, I’d do so carefully so as not to cause my eyes to crease. I straightened, opened my eyes wide. I was a woman in love, and I wanted to keep it that way.

He leaned in, planting a silly grin on his face. “Did you zoom off to some other world?”

I leaned in, grabbed a hold of his hands. “I did.”

We erupted into a fit of giddy giggles.

“I could tell,” he said. “You’re glowing. You’re eyes are shiny. You even styled your hair.” He ran his fingers through my smooth ends. “You’re also not eating the bread.” He pointed his eyes to the basket of parmesan crusted Italian sweetness sitting next to the ketchup bottle. Looking back at me, he dropped his fork and knife and latched onto my hands. “Are you totally in love?”

“I don’t know what this is. I just know I love it.”

“Now you know what I’m going through.” He thinned his lips and tilted his head. A thin layer of pain stretched across the plain of his face. “We went out again last night and while standing under the moon in Centennial Park he cradled my face in his hands and whispered to me that he loved me.”

A mixture of envy and pride swelled in me. “Did you say it back?”

“I almost did until a group of runners sped by, scaring the crap out of us and ruining the moment.”

“Maybe just as well? I mean he’s married. How will it ever work, Larry?” I sat back now, crossed my arms over my chest ready to have this honest conversation with my friend now that I was all experienced in this thing called love. “Are you prepared to be that third wheel?”

He picked up his knife and fork again and cut into his chicken. He tore at it, dissecting layers of it as if operating and searching for a sign he could cut out and avoid. “I never intended to get in the middle of a marriage. That’s the last thing I want to do. Karma. What comes around goes around. It’s not his fault he fell in love with a man and is married to a woman. Is it?” His face blotched, sadness trailed his eyes. He stabbed some more at his chicken and then involved his green beans in the massacre. “I’m in trouble, aren’t I?”

“You are.” I dropped my arms from my chest and continued back into my laborious salad journey. I’d never tasted anything more flat and lifeless. “My problems are worse.”

“How so?”

“She loves CarefreeJanie, not plain Jane. I’m two people. I’m nothing like CarefreeJanie.”

He puffed his cheeks up and exhaled. “Tell her now while you still see the world in color. Otherwise, you’re going to get hurt and then I’ll have to go in and save your sad little ass from misery. I just don’t have that in me because I’m dealing with my own tragedy right now.” He bore into my eyes with a warning. “Seriously, tell her now before it gets too much more out of hand.”

His words landed inside me, but slipped right out as quickly as they entered. This thrill ride would not end just yet. “You’re probably right.”

We sat eating our lunches in silence, he sipping his iced tea, I downing my boring water with a slice of lemon that tasted too tangy. The restaurant cleared out aside from a group of three boys goofing off over heaping plates of burgers. They laughed and called each other assholes and dickheads and slapped one another upside the head for macho effect I could only guess. Larry rolled his eyes a few too many times over them, and I just tried to ignore their rants. Finally, as we paid our check, the boys paid theirs and left us to a few moments of peace before we had to circle out and get back to our jobs.

We walked out together, Larry cradling my shoulder and urging me one last time to confess myself to the girl or find someone more available who would care and love me the way I deserved. I assured him I would think on it, nodding on point, inflecting my words so convincingly I could’ve even fooled myself. As we passed the general store, he realized he had forgotten his notepad on the table. So, I waited, leaning against the storefront wall as he retraced back for it.

Meanwhile, the trio of boys sat on their bicycles blocking another boy from walking past them. The boy, timid and scared and clinging to his scrawny self, looked up at me with a plea in his eye. I froze, remembering how that felt to have to get past the bullies who laughed and toyed. I wanted to reach out, take the boy’s hand and assure him that one day he’d look back at this moment and not let it define him.

I sucked at lying. It would define him. It would stick to him like thorns poking him in the middle of the night, startling him whenever he ran into three or more people staring at him. He would look at himself in the mirror and question why he had to be born scrawny, born weaker to others’ strength, born with a sign above his head that said ‘go ahead, toy with me. Everyone else already does. It’s my purpose to be your personal punching bag.’

Stuck a moment too long into my trek down memory lane, Larry had run past me, and powered his way up to the group, saving the young boy from the misery I had already sentenced and locked him up into. The boy wept as Larry led him back to us. The boys on bicycles laughed and snickered calling him a faggot. I winced. The boy cried more. Larry turned to the group and chucked them the bird.

I stood frozen not even able to embrace this poor boy who looked like he’d been through three warzones and back. I saw Rhonda’s face, tear-stained and blubbering, looking to me for mercy. Just as I had failed her, I failed this boy, too, in a moment that really mattered.

# #

On the drive back, I stared out the window in silence, embarrassed and sad because of my weakness.

“Are you okay? You haven’t said a word and it’s freaking me out.”

I wished I could unleash the chaos that clamored me shut, but not even Larry could handle what I refused to confess. “I could use some cheesecake.” My chin started to quiver and the tears rolled. Larry reached out and held my hand and braved onwards.

“I’ll drop by the bakery on the way home and pick one up.”

“Isn’t tonight date night for you?”

“It is. He’ll just have to wait.”

I picked up his hand and kissed the back of it. “Thank God for you.”

I managed to get through the rest of the day without wallowing too much. I saved that for Larry. He knew what to do with bad feelings. He knew how to pile them up in one neat corner, organize them until they formed logic, and then tuck them away in a safe place far from my mind.

Doreen saved an extra blueberry muffin for me. “You look like you could use this.”

I went to toss it into my mouth, but then my conscious mind appeared, waving a finger at me reminding me how many hundreds of calories sat laden in that muffin. “You know, I’m still full from lunch.”

I handed back her muffin and she cocked her head. “Did that wench say something catty to you?” She balled her hand up into a fist and grunted. “Do I need to go punch her little beady face?”

I laughed out loud on that one. “I actually haven’t seen the wench at all today.”

Doreen backed down. “Then, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I turned my back to her and pretended to get to work. “I’m just irritable because I’m getting my period any day.”

“Okay, sweetie.” She patted my shoulder and walked away leaving me alone with my memory of the young boy with the panicked face looking to me for help, as I just stood there wallowing in my own self-pity and selfishness.

# #

When Larry arrived with cheesecake in hand, I wasted no time. I dove into it, knowing he had better things to do with his night than sit and help me figure out how to feel good about something that stunk of everything wrong.

I shoveled in a few bites and took stock in the situation. “I should’ve done something for that poor boy, but didn’t.”

“I knew it.” Larry sat back, kicked his feet up on the coffee table, folded his hands in his lap and that’s when I saw his new ring, a black opal surrounded in platinum.

I grabbed his hand. “When did you get this?”

“Two hours ago.”

The ring, polished to perfection, fit his ring finger perfectly. “From him?”

He nodded sleeplessly. “I know. It’s wrong. It’s all I’ve got right now, so leave it alone.”

“It’s gorgeous.” I dropped his hand and shoveled a piece of cheesecake in my mouth. “So does this mean you’re committed to each other in a non-ceremonious way?”

“This cheesecake session isn’t about me right now.” He arched his eye and bit into his. “What were you going to do? Jump in between the boys?”