The Mystery of Silas Finklebean (13 page)
Theodore thought quickly. “Yes, but under the United States Constitution, I’m allowed one phone call to my lawyer. Can you go and find one for me, please?”
“Absolutely, sir, I’ll be right back.” As soon as the robot left Theodore scampered away.
Meanwhile, Howie and Freddy were cornered by three robots.
“You must surrender,” said one of them. “It is against the law to aid a prisoner to escape.”
“Never! We’ll fight to the death,” declared Howie.
Freddy grabbed Howie by the shirt. “Will you shut up before you get us killed?”
Freddy turned back to the robots. “This is all a misunderstanding. We’re not even from this time.”
“We know,” said one of the robots. “You came here to learn about the future so you can profit from it in your own time, just like Silas Finklebean did.”
“He’s got us there, Freddy,” said Howie. “We’re guilty, guilty, guilty!”
“Will you keep quiet, Howie,” said an exasperated Freddy. “Okay, guys, I think after I explain what happened, everything will be cool. See, I’m Freddy and I’m an inventor. And …”
One of the robots pulled out what looked like a crossbow and fired. A big net sailed up and then started to fall on top of the boys.
“I don’t think they’re buying your explanation, Freddy,” said Howie.
Right before the net closed over them it was yanked away. They watched as Curly rose over them, the net in hand. He threw it over the two robots and they dropped to the ground.
“Gee, thanks, Curly,” said Freddy.
“Noproblemgladtodoitbutwe’restillinalotoftrouble,” mumbled Curly.
“What did he say?” asked Howie.
“You don’t want to know,” answered Freddy.
Freddy and the gang were surrounded now and the robots were closing in.
“I’m sorry, Freddy,” said Finklebean. “I should never have gotten you into this.”
“It’s okay, Mr. Finklebean,” said Freddy. “It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I should have left time travel alone.” He turned to Howie. “If these guys lock us up we’ll never see our families again. Heck, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ll even miss my nutty sister.”
The robots readied to fire nets over all of them when they heard the voice.
“This looks like a job for PURPULIS ENORMOSIS!”
They turned and saw Wally strolling up to one of the robots. “Have you got any of those little food thingie-wingie, pillsies-willsies?” he asked. “You know, to give a condemned Fry his last meal?”
The robots pulled a bunch of pills out and handed them to Wally.
“Wally,” scolded Ziggy, “this is no time to eat.”
“Little yellow papoosie, it’s always a good time to eat.”
“Don’t eat them all at once,” advised the robot.
Wally smiled and then swallowed every last one of them. “Take cover, guys,” yelled Wally. “This is gonna be purpulis enormosis like you’ve never seen him.”
Freddy, Silas Finklebean, and the other Fries dropped to the ground.
“YYYEEEAAAHHH!” One pill had made Wally grow two feet in the gut. Now, with a handful of pills, he was busting out twelve feet in all directions.
Next he started twirling around on his tiptoes like a top, and his enormous body mowed down every single robotic policeman in sight. Then he let out a huge burp and returned to normal size.
“Purpulis enormosis, you rule!” cried Howie.
They all raced to the time machine and climbed in. As soon as Finklebean set the time dial, Freddy hit GO.
The time machine blasted off at the speed of light, and flashes of color streaked past the windows. A minute later the time machine slid to a stop. Freddy opened the hatch and they were all staring at the Burger Castle. Well, it wasn’t the Burger Castle now; it was Castle Finklebean.
Freddy said, “Mr. Finklebean, if you could invent a time travel machine, you can invent lots of useful inventions that’ll work right here in your own time. So forget the curvy car and the candy bar and focus on something really useful.”
“Hey, that candy bar was really cool!” exclaimed Wally indignantly. “And I should know since I personally ate 1,165 of them.”
Finklebean patted Freddy on the shoulder. “You’re right, Freddy.”
Finklebean climbed out and now there were tears in his eyes as he looked at his home. He turned back to Freddy. “I can’t thank you enough for everything.”
A little girl ran out from the Castle. “Daddy!” she cried.
Finklebean lifted her up and gave her a kiss.
“I missed you so much, Daddy.”
“I missed you too, honey.”
Freddy looked at the little girl and said to himself, “I was right. The picture on the mantel.”
Freddy and the gang waved good-bye to the Finklebeans.
“Let’s go home, guys,” said Freddy as the hatch closed and he hit the GO button.
ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS FUNKY
Adam was still screaming foul. And Nancy had single-handedly beaten up the Spanker gang using her baton, a fire extinguisher, and lots of dialogue from Shakespeare. And the purple goop-covered Stewie Spanker was still trying to wash himself off in the Burger Castle moat. That’s when the time machine reappeared.
Freddy opened the hatch and they climbed out. Everyone crowded around them.
“Where did you
go
?” asked a reporter from the
Pookesville Tattler.
“We traveled into the future,” said Howie.
The crowd laughed.
“Do you have proof of that?” asked one of the judges.
“Sure, we can tell you everything that we —” began Howie, but Freddy quickly kicked him in the shin.
Freddy said, “No, we don’t have any proof, sir.”
Stewie Spanker climbed out of the moat and came waddling up. “You ruined the Patty Cakes restaurant and I’m gonna sue you for that.”
“I didn’t!” said Freddy. “Adam aimed it at the
Burger Castle.
You two planned it.”
“How can you accuse us of something dirty like that?” exclaimed Stewie Spanker. “I’m the mayor and the chief of police and a darn nice guy.” Then he roared, “So after we take every dime you have, I’m going to string you up by your thumbs and make you drink every last drop of that purple junk, you little jerk!”
“You had it aimed at the Burger Castle,” insisted Freddy. “All I did was move the directional control so it would shoot straight up.”
“That’s a lie, because it didn’t shoot straight up!” roared Stewie.
“Then someone else must have changed it after I did. I bet it was Adam.”
“A likely story,” sneered Stewie.
“Yeah, that’s right,” said Adam. “Harold Pumpernickel did all the work. I’ve never even been on that stupid volcano.”
“Yes, he has,” said a voice. “And I can prove it.”
All heads turned. There was Harold Pumpernickel holding a video camera.
“What?” asked an astonished Freddy.
“I filmed it with my spy camera,” said Harold. “Here, see for yourselves.”
He turned on the video camera and they all watched as Adam snuck in the volcano mouth and aimed the directional control.
“Only instead of moving the control clockwise so it would hit the Burger Castle,” said Harold, “Adam moved it
counter
clockwise so it hit the Patty Cakes.”
“I know what clockwise means, you little moron,” yelled Adam. “It means to the
left.
AND THAT’ THE WAY I TURNED IT”
“Actually,” said Alfred Funkhouser, “clockwise means to the
right
”
Adam’s eyes bugged out and he swallowed hard. “Whoops!”
Stewie looked at his son. “Adam, I’m ashamed of you. Why, I can’t imagine a son of mine doing something so underhanded and dirty. As punishment you get no more chocolate tornado milkshakes for a whole hour.”
“But, Dad! You were the one —”
“Not another word,” roared his father as he stalked off, still covered in purple goop.
The judges had all been huddled together while this was going on. Then one of them stepped forward. “We don’t exactly know where Freddy disappeared to, and he has no proof that he went into the future, so in the interests of fairness we can’t give the prize to him. And since Adam Spanker just admitted that Harold did all of the work on that fabulous volcano, he’s out too. So we’ve decided to declare Harold Pumpernickel, who
did
do all the work, the winner of the science competition.”
The crowd cheered and Freddy clapped louder than anyone as Harold received the trophy and check for a hundred dollars. Harold’s father put his son on his shoulders and paraded around.
Alfred came over to Freddy and put his arm around him. “Well, Freddy, how
was
the future?”
Freddy gulped as he stared at his father. But his father was the smartest person Freddy knew. As absentminded as he appeared at times, Alfred Funkhouser seemed to know
everything.
“Let’s put it this way, Dad. Traveling into the past and future sounds cool, but it’s a lot smarter to stay in your
own
time.”
As Alfred Funkhouser left to congratulate Harold, Mildred Maraschino came up to Freddy.
“Oh, Freddy,” said Mildred, “I can’t thank you enough.”
“For what, Ms. Maraschino?”
“For bringing Silas back.” She handed him a book. It was a copy of
The Entire History of Pookesville in 31 1/2 Pages.
It was open to a particular page. Freddy read it quickly.
“It doesn’t say here that Silas Finklebean disappeared! It just says that he was a very successful inventor and a great father.” He paused and said, “He was your father, wasn’t he?”
She looked surprised. “Yes, he was
my
father.
Before my marriage my name was Mildred Finklebean. How did you know?”
“When we went to your cottage I saw a picture on your mantel of two people. One looked a lot like you as a young girl and the other looked like Silas Finklebean. That’s why I thought he might have left the gyroscope with you. And the little girl who ran out to see him when we brought Silas back to his time
was
the little girl in that photo, meaning you.”
She smiled kindly at him. “You
are
one smart young man.”
“I saw you over near the time machine before we went into the future. Were you the one who set the time dial to 2206?”
She nodded. “When I was a little girl I thought I heard my father talking to me. He said the number 2206 over and over. I thought I was dreaming.”
“He was sending you a message from the future using the QUIT.” Mildred looked puzzled and Freddy quickly added, “It’s sort of complicated.”
“Well, I never told anyone because they would have thought I was crazy. But when I saw your time machine today I recognized it from some plans that I saw in my father’s lab. I knew he was working on some sort of time travel thing, and it struck me that the number
2206
might actually be the
year
where he was. So I snuck into the machine and set the time dial. I could only hope that it would take you to him.”
“Well, that clears that up,” Freddy said, but then he looked puzzled. “But since we changed the past, the ’future’ never happened in the way it did before. So how did you even know about us?”
“Easy. Silas told me when he got back. Just like you remembered what happened.”
“Well, I guess that’s the mystery of time travel that we’ll never completely understand.”
Mildred took something out of her pocketbook and handed it to him. It was the “wishing” mirror her father had given her. “I wanted you to have this, seeing as how you helped make my wish of having my father back come true.” She gave him a hug and then left.
As Freddy watched her go, he heard a scream behind him. Storming out of the Burger Castle was his sister Nancy. She was covered in paint and carrying what looked to be pieces of torn canvas. Behind her came a photographer and reporter from the
Pookesville Tattler,
laughing their heads off.
“Freddy Funkhouser, I am going to cream you, you little rat,” she screamed.
“What did I do?”
“You know very well what you did, or should I say,
didn’t
do. The Nancy S. Funkhouser Imperial Theater and Museum? There’s nothing there, you little jerk!”
Freddy looked at Si. “What did you do?”