The Nanny Diaries (40 page)

I pause to catch my breath, looking around at all the toys he's paid for and never once enjoyed with his son. "Therearepeople. nyourhome. uman beings. rowningintheirdesireforyoutolookthemin theeye.You madethisfamily.And all youhavetodoisshowup andlikethem. It's called 're-la-ting.' So get over whatever totally-absent-buying-your-affection parenting that you received and get here, man. ecausethisis yourLIFE andyou're justpissing itaway!" "Woof!"

Thepuppypushes thecloset door open, grippingthe bus-pass holder in her mouth. "Hey,give me that," I say gently, kneeling down to take it from her. She drops it, rolling onto her back to play. I stare at the dirty shredsof paperinsidetheplastic, all thatremains ofGrove's businesscard.

I blink, looking around Grayer's room, so familiar to me that it feels like my own. I see him sashaying down the imaginary runway of our Christmas fashion show, wassailing his heart out in the bathroom, fallingasleepagainstme asI finishGoodnightMoon.

"Oh, Grover." And then I am crying, curled tight in a ball by the foot of his bed. Waves of sobs rack through me at the fresh realization that I will never see him again. That this is it for us, Grayer and me. WhenI'm finally able tocatch mybreath, I crawl over tothe dresser andpress stop. I setthebearon the floor, leaning against Grayer's bed as I gently rub the puppy's soft belly. She stretches out, resting her pawonmyarm,her warmeyes soappreciativeoftheattention.

AndthenI know.

NothingI've saidsofarwill makethemlovehimthewayheneedstobeloved.

Orallowmetoleavewith anygrace.

I hearGrayer: "Besmart, Nanny.You'll besmart."

I rewindthetapebacktothebeginning.I press recordandreturnthebeartothecarpetinfrontofme.

"Hi. It's Nanny. I'm here in your apartmentand it's..." I glancedown atmywatch. "Five in themorning. I entered with the key you gave me. And I have all those possessions you value so highly within arm's reach.Buthere's thething.I justdon't wish youharm. If fornoother reasonthanyouhavetheprofound privilege of being Grayer's parents." I nod, knowing it to be true. "So I was just going to leave. But I can't. I really can't. Grayer loves you. I havebornewitness tohis love for you.And hedoesn't care what you're wearing or what you've bought him. He just wants you there. Wanting him. And time is running out. Hewon't loveyouunconditionallythatmuchlonger.Andsoonhewon't love youatall. Soifthere's one thing I could do for you tonight, it would be to give you the desire to know him. He's such an amazing little person. e's funny and smart. joy to be with. I really cherished him. And I want that foryou.For bothofyou,becauseit's just,well,priceless."

I reach out for the bear and press stop. I hold it in my hands for a moment. Looking over at the bottom shelfof thebookcase,I see asmall framedpictureofCaitlin tuckedbehindthePlayskoolgarage.

Right.

I hit recordandplopthebearbackdown.

"And if not, then at the very least you owe me, and whoever else you bamboozle into doing it, some fuckingrespect!"

I pickup thebearandejectthetape.

THE NANNY DIARIES

Wending my way back to the front hall, I turn off all the lights as I go. The puppy comes scampering into the foyer as I stand over the glass table once again. I set the tape down in between my palm prints andresttheirhousekeys ontopofitswhite label.

I pickup mybagsandpullopentheXes'frontdoorforthelasttime.

"Grover," I say quietly, willing with all my heart, as if I were standing over my birthday cake, making the most important wish of my life. "Just know that you are wonderful. abulously wonderful. And I hope somehow you'll know that I'll always be out here rooting for you, okay?" I flick the last light off andscoopupthepuppy. "Good-bye, Grayer."

The sun is just coming up as I lead her into the park. She pulls her string leash taut as we walk up the bridle path to the reservoir. The first joggers are already making their steady orbit around the water as the sky brightens and the last star disappears. Over the treetops the buildings framing the western skylinearebathedinthepinkdawn.

The water laps against the stones as I stand against the wire fence, taking in the beauty of this open vista inthecenterofthecity.

I reach into one of the bags and pull out the Xes' cell phone. I take a moment to feel its weight in my hand before lobbing it over the fence. She jumps up to press her front paws against the wire, barking as itmakes a satisfying splash.

I look down at her. "How do you like that for leaving with grace?" She barks in agreement, tilting her headupatme,herbrowneyes lookingaffectionatelyintomine.

"Grace."

Shebarks.

"Grace,"I sayagain.

Shebarksagain.

"I see.Well, then,Grace,let's gohome."

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

We wish to thank: Molly Friedrich and Lucy Childs of the Aaron Priest Literary Agency for their unflagging support. hould Nanny ever have to go head-to-head with Mrs. X, these are the women we'd want behind her! Christy Fletcher for seeing the potential. Jennifer Weis for letting us know when there was no there there. Katie Brandi for reading this book almost as many times as we have. Joel for taking Nanny on the honeymoon. George for keeping us going on the tough days, and Le Pain Quotidienforthesupplies.