The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass (19 page)

GRAND KENYAN

 

New Rule:
Never underestimate the ability of a tiny fringe group of losers to ruin everything. We’ve all been laughing heartily at the wacky antics of the “birthers”—the far-right goofballs who claim Obama wasn’t really born in Hawaii, and therefore the job of president goes to the runner-up, Miss California Carrie Prejean. And there’s nothing you can do to convince these people—you could hand them, in person, the original birth certificate, with the placenta, and have a video of Obama emerging from the womb with Don Ho singing in the background . . . and they still wouldn’t believe it. Hey, birthers, wanna hear my theory? My theory is Obama was born in America, and you were born with the umbilical cord around your neck. I don’t know what his mother was doing when she was pregnant, but I’m pretty sure yours was drinking.

Oh, I kid the birthers, and actually, there is one thing that makes me think they could be right: We’re Americans; of course we’re gonna hire an illegal alien to clean up. I’m joking, of course, and laughing it off has also been the reaction from Democratic leaders so far, proving that Democrats never learn: In America, if you don’t immediately kill arrant bullshit, no matter how ridiculous, it can grow and thrive and eventually take over, like crabgrass or Cirque du Soleil. This might be a deluded, time-wasting right-wing obsession, but so was Whitewater, and look where that ended up. Liberals said, “Oh, what’re they gonna do, keep expanding the case until they impeach the president over a blowjob?”

I’m telling you, in America, there is no idea so patently absurd that it can’t catch on. For example, have you ever met a Mormon? More recently, we had the Swift Boat allegations against John Kerry, making him, a genuine war hero, into a coward in a race against a guy who never left Texas—this was so stupid that Kerry refused to even discuss it. And we all know how well that worked out.

You may ask, how does something as inane as Whitewater or Swift Boats or the “birther” phenomenon gain traction? I’ll tell you how: the same way the story about Elton John almost dying from ingesting too much of Rod Stewart’s sperm gained traction in my high school: dummies talking to other dummies. It’s just easier now because of the Internet and because our mainstream media does such a lousy job of speaking truth to stupid.

Lou Dobbs said recently, “People are asking a lot of questions about the birth certificate.” Yes, the same people who want to know where the sun goes at night, and where to put the stamp on their e-mail. And, Lou, you’re their new king. That’s why it’s so important that we the few, the proud, the “reality-based,” attack this stuff before it has a chance to fester and spread. It’s not a case of Democrats vs. Republicans. It’s sentient beings vs. the Lizard People, and it is to them I offer this deal: I’ll show you President Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma.

 

 

—July 31, 2009

 

C TO SHINING C–

 

New Rule:
Just because a country elects a smart president doesn’t make it a smart country. A couple of weeks ago, I was asked on CNN if I thought Sarah Palin could get elected president, and I said I hope not, but I wouldn’t put anything past this stupid country. Well, the station was flooded with e-mails, and the twits hit the fan. And you could tell that these people were
really
mad, because they wrote entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Worst of all, Bill O’Reilly refuted my contention that this is a stupid country by calling me a pinhead, which (a) proves my point, and (b) is really funny coming from a doody-face like him.

Now, before I go about demonstrating how, sadly, easy it is to prove the dumbness that’s dragging us down, let me just say that ignorance has life-and-death consequences. On the eve of the Iraq War, seventy percent of Americans thought Saddam Hussein was personally involved in 9/11. Six years later, thirty-four percent still do. Or look at the health-care debate: At a recent town hall meeting in South Carolina, a man stood up and told his congressman to “keep your government hands off my Medicare,” which is kind of like driving cross-country to protest highways.

This country is like a college chick after two Long Island iced teas: We can be talked into anything, like wars, and we can be talked
out
of anything, like health care. We should forget the town halls, and replace them with study halls.

Listen to some of these stats: A majority of Americans cannot name a single branch of government, or explain what the Bill of Rights is. Twenty-four percent could not name the country America fought in the Revolutionary War. More than two-thirds of Americans don’t know what’s in
Roe v. Wade
. Two-thirds don’t know what the Food and Drug Administration does. Some of this stuff you should be able to pick up simply by being alive. You know, like the way the
Slumdog
kid knew about cricket.

Not here. Nearly half of Americans don’t know that states have two senators, and more than half can’t name their congressman. And among Republican governors, only three got their wife’s name right on the first try. People bitch and moan about taxes and spending, but they have no idea what their government spends money on. The average voter thinks foreign aid consumes twenty-four percent of our federal budget. It’s actually less than one percent.

A third of Republicans believe Obama is not a citizen, and a third of Democrats believe that George Bush had prior knowledge of the 9/11 attacks, which is an absurd sentence, because it contains the words “Bush” and “knowledge.” Sarah Palin says she would never apologize for America. Even though a Gallup poll says eighteen percent of us think the sun revolves around the earth. No, they’re not stupid. They’re interplanetary mavericks.

And I haven’t even brought up religion. But here’s one fun fact I’ll leave you with: Did you know only about half of Americans are aware that Judaism is an older religion than Christianity? That’s right, half of America looks at books called the Old Testament and the New Testament and cannot figure out which one came first.

I rest my case.

 

 

—August 7, 2009