The New Rector (Tales from Turnham Malpas) (18 page)

‘You want to see me?’

‘Yes, if that’s possible.’

‘Yes, it’s possible but why?’

‘Well, I can’t speak about it now, it’s just something I need to discuss with you.’

‘About Peter?’

‘In a kind of a way.’

‘They’re usually all in bed by eight at the latest so come round any time after then.’

‘I’ll come tonight if I may.’

‘Very well.’

Caroline knocked on the door by two minutes past eight. Suzy gave her a glass of wine and they both sat in front of the fire. Suzy waited to hear what Caroline had to say.

‘I saw you leaving. I knew from your face you’d heard. It was only the once, and entirely my fault. I was so shatteringly lonely that day. I needed comforting and before we knew where … well, anyway, you know what I mean.’

Caroline took another drink of her wine and tried hard not to mind about what Suzy had left unsaid. She had more important things on her mind.

‘I’ve given in my notice at the hospital.’

‘Oh, I didn’t know that. Whatever for? I thought you enjoyed it.’

‘I do – or rather I did. I gave my notice in because Peter and I have never had much time together. I’ve always worked long hours, ever since we were married, so I decided that I would spend some time at home and then perhaps go back to hospital work when I got fed up with keeping house.’

‘I see. Is that what you wanted to discuss with me?’

‘No – well, kind of. How are you going to manage with the twins?’

‘Do you mean financially?’

‘Well, yes – and also, how will you look after them? I mean, two babies and three little girls is an awful lot for one person.’

‘Are you fancying being mother’s help, Caroline?’ Suzy smiled when she spoke.

‘No, I’m not. Look – I find it hard to know how to say this.’

‘Well, say it and then I’ll tell you if you’ve done it well.’

‘Right.’

‘I wanted to say: if at any time you found you couldn’t face coping with the twins, I would be more than willing to … well, I would be more than willing to have them.’ Caroline gulped nervously.

‘Have them for the afternoon, you mean?’

‘No, I didn’t mean for the afternoon. I meant for – for always. To keep. That is, if you could part with them, if that was possible at all.’ Her voice trembled.

‘Caroline, has Peter not told you what I said to him?’

‘No. I didn’t know you’d spoken to him about them.’

‘The day you left, I told Peter that no one – and I mean
no one
– would ever know that these twins were not Patrick’s. I told him that I intended to have them both adopted, and that I had already chosen the parents.’

‘Oh, I see. Then there’s no more to be said. I’m sorry if I’ve caused you pain. I’ll be going.’ Caroline rose blindly.

Suzy took hold of Caroline’s hand and told her to sit down again.

‘I know I sounded as if I was being very difficult, but I wanted to hear it from you, absolutely and completely from you without any help at all, that you, Caroline Harris, wanted to have Peter’s children. I had to be sure, you see.’

‘But it’s no good! You’ve just said so. Oh please, let me go.’ The pain and disappointment were tearing her apart.

‘It is, that’s the point,’ Suzy insisted. ‘You’ve told me, with no help from Peter and no prompting from me, that you want to adopt them. That was what I wanted to hear! You and Peter are the parents I’ve chosen. I told him so in a roundabout way, but he was so upset about you leaving that he didn’t understand what I was saying.’

‘Yes. I’ve no love to spare for anyone at the moment, least of all for two new babies who’ll need loving attention for years. I’ve got to get back to work, Caroline. With three children to feed and clothe, the money Patrick left is rapidly disappearing. I’ve gone quite dead inside. I don’t want to know about obligations to anyone else at all. I just want to get on with working and looking after my three girls. As soon as the twins are born I’m leaving here, so there won’t be any worry about me billing and cooing over the pram. They’ll be yours completely.’

‘As long as I live I shall be entirely in your debt.’

‘I won’t tell you where I’m going. I shan’t want photographs – nothing at all, and I mean that.’

‘Suzy, how are you going to tell the girls?’

‘Daisy and Pansy can’t help but notice things aren’t quite what they were. I’ve explained to them that though I’m expecting two babies, we are not going to keep them because I have no money to feed and clothe them. So what better way is there but for us to give them to someone who has no babies at all? They’ve both cried about it and said could we keep one and let the lady with no babies have the other one, but I’ve said you can’t separate twins as that would be cruel. Bless their dear hearts, they do appear to understand. Rosie doesn’t even seem to have noticed that she can’t sit on my knee easily any more, so I’m leaving that till she says something. They won’t forget, but at least it will stop hurting after a while.’

Caroline stood up, put her arms round Suzy and kissed her. ‘Thank you, thank you so much, so very much.’

‘There aren’t any words to tell you how grateful I am.’

‘What about Peter?’

‘I’ll tell him in my own good time.’

‘We won’t let anyone else know what we’ve planned, Caroline. They gossip so much in this village that all kinds of stories will do the rounds.’

‘No, that’s right, we’ll keep it our secret. Good night. You may say you have no love left for anyone, but I think you must have.’ She closed the door and tried hard to walk normally into the Rectory, but it was so difficult, so very difficult. She wanted to skip.

Peter was in his study with a couple who were asking to be married in the church. She took coffee into them, then went off to have a bath. She lay there planning which room she would choose for the nursery and how she would need to buy a twin pram, as well as nappies and cots and … then a cold drip from the tap fell on her toe and seemed to chill her through and through. What if the twins were premature and didn’t survive? What if Suzy decided to keep them both? What if Peter didn’t want them?

She heard him coming up the stairs. He came into the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bath.

‘Someone else taking the plunge. They seem as if they’ll be very happy. Sometimes couples come and you want to say to them, “Look, it won’t work,” but it’s very difficult when they’re convinced they’re doing the right thing. Where have you been?’

‘Talking to Suzy.’

‘What about?’

‘About you not understanding what she was trying to tell you.’

‘I don’t know what you mean.’

‘I know – she told me.’

‘She’s going to have them adopted and she … I asked her if I could have them and she said that was what she had been waiting to hear, and that yes, I can –
we
can. Now I’m frightened they’ll die or something, or she’ll see them and change her mind. And I’m frightened in case you don’t want them.’

‘I don’t.’

Caroline sat up, startled at the vehemence of Peter’s reply. ‘You don’t? You can’t mean that!’

‘I do. I most definitely do.’

‘Peter, it’s what I most want in the world. Please don’t do this to me.
Please
. I have never pleaded with you in all the time I’ve known you, but I’m pleading now.’

‘I can’t face day in day out the evidence of my unfaithfulness. Do you hear me? I can’t do that! It would destroy me to watch you loving and caring for my children, ones that were mine and not your very own. I couldn’t bear it.’

Caroline stood up quickly, making the water surge over the edge of the bath onto Peter’s feet. She took the towel she’d propped on the edge of the washbasin and wrapped herself in it. When she’d climbed out she stood facing him and looked up at his face. He was in the deepest depth of despair.

‘Caroline, you don’t realise what you’re asking of yourself.’

‘Caroline, please don’t bring Suzy into it. This is for you and me to decide. We have to get things straight between us. Get dried and we’ll talk later when we’ve both calmed down.’

Peter turned and left the bathroom. He went down to his study and sat at his desk with his head in his hands. He’d suffered so much since that day with Suzy that he didn’t think God could ask any more of him. To have them here in this house and watch Caroline loving them was too much. No matter how he longed for children of his own, he mustn’t agree to adopt them just because of that need. He could only agree if he felt Caroline truly forgave him for his infidelity. If he knew that, then he could accept adopting them. But he’d no right to ask forgiveness of that magnitude from her.

She was in the kitchen making coffee for the two of them when he sought her out.

‘I’m deeply sorry for shouting like I did just now. It was unforgivable.’

‘I can understand, I was too precipitate. It must have been a quite dreadfully unexpected announcement.’

‘If I tell you that I had forgiven you when I came back home from Northumberland, would you believe me –
really
believe me? You see, I wouldn’t have come back if I hadn’t forgiven you.’

‘Caroline, I don’t deserve you.’

‘We must wipe the slate clean, Peter. You can’t spend the rest of our life together being grateful to me – it would turn me into the most insufferable person. Please don’t do it to me.’

‘Very well. It would make things very right, wouldn’t it, in all sorts of ways if we took the children?’

‘Yes, of course it would – and thank you.’

‘No, I need to thank you for the immense generosity of your spirit.’