The No Cry Discipline Solution (55 page)

and broccoli, so you need to provide healthy choices.

Messiness

My child leaves toys, socks, tissues, and dishes

lying around the house and expects me to clean up

after him.

Think About It

As parents, we set ourselves up for this one, I’m afraid. One day

we have a baby who requires our total care, and the next thing we

know we are still providing the same level of care to a six-year-old

who’s never had a compelling reason to want life any other way.

If you had a live-in maid who followed you around and tidied up

all your messes, I bet you’d be pleased to let her continue to do it,

too!

What to Do

• Be consistent.
If some days you encourage your child to

clean up but other days you ignore the mess, your child won’t have

a clear expectation of what you want him to do. Set a plan and

stick to it.

• Create a daily routine for cleaning up.
One day’s mess is

usually manageable, but a mess that adds up day after day becomes

insurmountable. Pick a scheduled time that you can adhere to

every day, such as after dinner or before putting on pajamas, for a

daily cleanup.

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• Join in during the cleanup time.
Cleaning up together makes

it more pleasant. Over time this cleanup routine will become habit

and your child will cooperate with little fuss.

• Get more organized.
Make sure there is a place for every-

thing, and teach your child to keep everything in its rightful place.

Use plastic bins, boxes, and shelves to stay organized.

What Not to Do

• Don’t constantly clean up after your child.
If your child

never participates in cleaning up, he won’t learn how to do it.

• Don’t complain about it.
If your child doesn’t have a cleanup

routine and you don’t have clear expectations, then it’s not his

fault that you’re unhappy. Instead of complaining, use your energy

to teach good habits.

Other People’s

Undisciplined Children

See also: Biting Other Children; Bossiness;

Playtime Behavior

I have a close friend I’ve always enjoyed spending

time with. The problem is that her children are

boisterous and disobedient, and she does nothing to

correct them.

Think About It

When you love your friend and she loves her children but your

parenting styles are very different, it becomes a very sensitive issue.

Chances are she doesn’t see her children the same way you do.

Tread lightly when you approach issues about other people’s chil-

dren because lifelong friendships can be broken over contrasting

parenting approaches.

What to Do

• Use distraction and redirection.
If you see a problem brew-

ing, step in and invite the children to get involved in an activity.

Keeping them busy may help avoid confrontation or problems.

• Focus only on the issue at hand.
Find a solution to the cur-

rent problem only, don’t address personality or lifestyle. Do what’s

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necessary to get through the visit. Make your comments about the

action or the group, not the individual child.

• Share parenting knowledge in a nonthreatening way.
Invite

your friend to accompany you to a parenting class or to attend a

lecture. Share a copy of your favorite parenting book—tell her that

you love it and you’re sure she will, too.

• Pick your battles.
Try to take pleasure in your visits and

overlook the petty issues. Focus on the things you enjoy about your

friend, and open your heart to fi nding some things to enjoy in her

children, as well.

• Have childfree visits.
If her children’s behavior affects your own children or causes too much stress for you, then schedule

mainly adults-only social events.

What Not to Do

• Don’t parent other people’s children.
Allow your friend to

deal with her children’s behavior (or not deal with it, as the case

may be). Get involved only when something involves your chil-

dren or your property.

• Don’t think you can change other people.
Don’t expend

energy thinking you can change your friend’s family life with a few

well-placed comments. Forcing change on others can make them

hurt, angry, or defensive. Furthermore, unless she asks for help she

may be content with things as they are.

• Don’t stop seeing your friend.
Friendships are precious

and important to your health and happiness. Children eventu-

ally mature and grow up, and you won’t be around her children as

much as they get older. Find ways to make this situation work for

you.

Playtime Behavior

See also: Biting Other Children;

Hitting, Kicking, and Hair Pulling; Other People’s

Undisciplined Children

I joined a play group with the idea that my

preschooler would have fun playing with other

children. But it’s usually not fun because they don’t

share, they bicker, and they all have crying spells—

my son included.

Think About It

Developing friendship skills takes time and experience. The only

way children learn social skills is by practice, so even though there

are plenty of bumps along the way it’s worth scheduling playtime

with other children.

What to Do

• Have realistic expectations.
Young and inexperienced chil-

dren will need guidance during playtime. Even with supervision,

children will get into tussles with each other—and if they didn’t

they’d never learn how to handle the disagreements that are a part

of life. Look at these moments as golden teaching opportunities.

• Watch for signs of hunger or tiredness.
Children lose

patience and good humor when they are tired or hungry. If hunger

is the issue, supply a wholesome snack to the group. If tiredness

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Treston, age 2

hits, either leave for home or pull out a quiet game or a favorite

movie for the children to watch together.

• Choose the right activities.
Sharing toys can be a challenge,

so avoid having just a few special toys to pass among the group.

Good choices for group play are things like building blocks, art

projects, and imaginative play supplies such as dress-up clothes and

toy kitchen supplies. Having several different activities to choose