The No Cry Discipline Solution (9 page)

in front of me making it impossible. Giving her the little bit

of attention she needed right then, not waiting until it was

convenient for me, removed her as a physical obstacle to my

mopping job. But more important, it changed her in my mind

from an obstacle into a little person who really needed her

mommy to be with her for just a few moments.”

—Sarah, mother to Axa, age 2

28

The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

Of course you play with your children, but far too often you

probably feel guilty for that playtime—something “more impor-

tant” is waiting to be done. If you were to make a list of all those

oh-so-important things that have interfered with playtime in the

past, I’m sure the list would appear just a little bit foolish now. The

important things all got done, I’m sure, although you probably

can’t remember them all. And I’m certain that a bit more playtime

wouldn’t have caused chaos. And once your child is a busy teen or

a young adult moving out of your home, you’ll realize that the most

important thing of all was that playtime spent with your child.

Parent and child playtime
is
important. Not only for building

children’s skills and knowledge of life, but for building relationships

between parent and child, too. So, plan for, carry out, and enjoy

more playtime with your children. They won’t be little forever, you

know, and you won’t regret the time you spent with them.

Give Yourself More Credit for What You Do

Right and Don’t Examine So Intently the

Things You Do Wrong

We all make mistakes and life is never perfect. Even when we
don’t

use our parenting skills, even when we are too stressed, and even

when we don’t take enough time for playtime, life is usually plenty

good enough because we’re probably doing more things right than

we realize. Family bonds truly can fi ll in any gaps with a love that

transcends mistakes. A caring heart and a warm embrace can make

up for less-than-perfect moments. And if you try to be a good par-

ent, the odds are defi nitely in your favor that you will succeed.

Dedicated parents read parenting books, so I know that if you

are reading these words you are a parent who truly cares about

Building a Strong Foundation

29

doing the best job you can. I also know that the more you read

and the more you learn, the more self-critical you may become.

It would take a God-like superhuman being to put into practice

every single idea that you learn, every moment of every day. The

fact that you learn, and do your best to apply what you learn, is

commendable.

Do your best, learn from your mistakes, and appreciate that you

are doing a grand and important job. Give yourself a pat on the

back, and give credit where credit is due. You are doing a better

job than you think.

Mother-Speak

“ Why do we mothers all feel compelled to be Supermom and

then feel let down when we can’t do it all?”

—Romi, mother to Carter, age 4, and Brinley, age 19 months

Let Your Heart Win Out Over Voices of

Insistent, Insensitive, and

Unwanted Advice

When it comes to child-rearing, nearly everyone has an opinion

and most people adamantly defend their own beliefs. Not only

that, but many people judge other approaches harshly. They often

feel compelled to convert others to their way of thinking.

Make decisions about how you want to raise your children.

Read books that align with your beliefs, and spend time with other

30

The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

parents who think as you do. Be open to new ideas, but sift them

through your moral strainer before you apply them to your own

family. Once you make thoughtful decisions, move forward with

confi dence.

Be Willing to Break the Rules

Throw caution to the wind and follow your heart more often.

Cherish every single moment with your children—even the not-

so-perfect ones. Loosen up a bit and know that you don’t have

to be the serious, dull, authoritative boss every single moment of

every single day.

Maybe this comes from my experience (raising four children),

maybe it comes from being an older mother (age fi fty is within

striking distance), or maybe it comes from the confi dence of being

viewed as a parenting expert. Probably it’s a combination of all

these things, but I have learned to let my hair down a lot more

often.

Lately I’ve been brave a little more often and have risked break-

ing the rules in favor of good, old-fashioned family bonding. I’ve

taken my teenagers to rock concerts that end at midnight—on

a school night. I’ve let my six-year-old join me in my bed in the

middle of the night (and enjoyed every single snuggle). I’ve let

the kids order pizza when no one feels like cooking and eat des-

sert before dinner so the ice cream won’t melt. There’s something

almost decadent about purposely going against the norm. And

there’s something very fulfi lling about doing it anyway, when it’s

defi nitely the right thing to do for your family at that moment.

Of course I don’t break every rule, and the ones I selectively

break I don’t do so every time. But when my heart says
yes
, I’m

willing to be a little bit less of a stuffy grown-up and more of a

carefree kid. And everyone benefi ts from that.

Building a Strong Foundation

31

If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again

by Diana Loomans

If I had my child to raise all over again,

I’d fi nger paint more, and point the fi nger less.

I’d do less correcting, and more connecting.

I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less, and know to care more.

I’d take more hikes and fl y more kites.

I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fi elds and gaze at more stars.

I’d do more hugging, and less tugging.

I would be fi rm less often, and affi rm much more.

I’d build self-esteem fi rst, and the house later.

I’d teach less about the love of power,

And more about the power of love.

—From
100 Ways to Build Self-Esteem and Teach Values
.

Copyright 1994, 2003 by Diana Loomans.

Reprinted with permission of H J Kramer/New World

Library, Novato, CA; newworldlibrary.com.

See the World Through Your Child’s Eyes

Children are . . . childish. Their actions, thoughts, and words orig-

inate in a place of innocence and from an egocentric understand-

ing of the world. If a child wants a cookie, he is thinking only of

the rich taste of chocolate and the pleasure it will bring him. He’s

not thinking about how it affects his appetite for lunch, how it fi ts

into his overall diet, or how the cost fi ts into the family grocery

budget. He’s not even thinking if asking fi fteen times will make his

mother mad. He purely and simply wants a cookie.

If we can avoid evaluating our child’s motivation from an adult

perspective, but rather view his behavior at face value—as an

32

The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

innocent and undiluted need or want—it will help us choose how

to respond in the most effective ways. It will prevent tears and

anger—from both you and your child.

Remember that your child is a child and has a lot to learn about

life. Keep in mind that he isn’t out to get you, he isn’t trying to

anger you, and he doesn’t have a master plan to drive you crazy.

He’s just going about life in his blissful little world.

Discipline Doesn’t Have to Be Unpleasant

to Be Effective

There are times when our children teach us more about parenting

than any expert documents and research that we could study. One

such moment of insight recently occurred for me. I was walking

down a busy street with my son, Coleton. As typical of a kindergar-

tener, he was curious about every leaf and bug along the way and

he kept lagging behind. Being in a hurry (as we adults too often

are) and being concerned about Coleton wandering off, I shouted

at him to keep up and quit dawdling. He did catch up with me and,

with tear-fi lled eyes, said, “Next time you feel like being mad at

me, why don’t you just hug me instead and then tell me what you

want me to do.” So, we did hug, I explained that he needed to stay

close, and we held hands and continued on our way.

Don’t be too quick to jump into unforgiving or harsh discipline.