The Novels of Nora Roberts, Volume 5 (172 page)

“She’s moving in tomorrow. I need to pack up a few more things I’ll need with me now. Ella’s been helping her do the same—pack up what she’ll need—and pack up what she wants to take with her when she goes.”

“It’s a big step she’s taking. A lot of big steps. Leaving Missoula, leaving her husband, her friends, her job.”

“I think she needs it. She looks better than she has since this all started. Once she decided what she needed to do for herself, for the baby, I think it took some of the weight off.”

He took a long, slow drink. “Speaking of decisions, big ones. I won’t be moving back into the house. I’m going to live with Ella.”

“Jesus, are you going to marry her?”

He didn’t choke, but he swallowed hard. “One step at a time, but I think that one’s right down the road.”

“I’m just getting used to you dating her, now you’re moving in together.”

“I love her, Rowan. We love each other.”

“Okay, I guess I’m going to sit down for a minute.” She chose the side of the bed. “Her place?”

“She’s got a great place. A lot of room, her gardens. She’s done it up just the way she wants it. Her house means a lot to her. Ours?” He let his shoulders lift and fall. “Half the year or more it’s just where I sleep most nights.”

“Well.” She didn’t know what she felt because there was too much to feel. “I guess if I’d known that would be our last dinner in the house together, I’d’ve . . . I don’t know, done something more important than skillet chicken.”

“I’m not selling the house, Ro.” He sat beside her, laid a hand on her knee. “Unless you don’t want it. I figured you’d take it over. We can get somebody to cut the grass and all that during the season.”

“Maybe I can think about that awhile.”

“As long as you want.”

“Big changes,” she managed. “You know how it takes me a while to navigate changes.”

“Whenever you got sick as a kid, we had to dig out the same pajamas.”

“The blue puppies.”

“Yeah, the blue ones with puppies. When you outgrew them there was hell to pay.”

“You cut them up and made me a little pillow out of the fabric. And it was okay again. Crap, Dad, you look so happy.” Her eyes stung as she reached for his face. “And I didn’t even notice you weren’t.”

“I wasn’t unhappy, baby.”

“You’re happier now. She’s not the only one who loves you,” she told him, and kissed his cheeks. “So consider I’ve got my blue puppy pillow, and it’s okay.”

“Okay enough that you’ll take some time when you have it to get to know her?”

“Yeah. Gull thinks she’s hot.”

Lucas’s eyebrows winged up. “So do I, but he’d better not get any ideas.”

“I’m running interference there.”

“You’ve had some changes yourself since he came along.”

“Apparently. This is the damnedest season. Gull’s got it into his head that somebody on base might be responsible for what’s been going on, instead of Brakeman.”

“Does he?”

“Yeah, and in his Gull way he’s got all the data and suppositions organized in a file. I think it’s whacked, but then I start wondering, once he’s done laying it out. Then I go about my business and decide it’s whacked again. Until he points out this and that. I end up not sure what to think. I hate not knowing what to think.”

Gently, he skimmed a hand over her crown of hair. “Maybe the best thing to do is keep your eyes, your ears and your mind open.”

“The first two are easy. It’s the last that’s hard. Everybody’s edgy and trying to pretend they aren’t. We’ve jumped nearly twice as many fires as we did by this time last season, and the success rate’s good, injuries not too bad. But outside of that? This season’s FUBAR, and we’re all feeling it.”

“Do me a favor. Stick close to the hotshot, as much as you can. Do it for me,” he added before she could speak. “Not because I think you can’t take care of yourself, but because I’ll worry less if I know somebody’s got your back.”

“Well, he’s hard to shake off anyway.”

“Good.” He patted her leg. “Walk me out.”

She got up with him, chewing over everything they’d talked about while they walked outside. “Is it different with her, with Ella, than it was with my mother? Not the circumstances, or rate of maturity, or any of that. I mean . . .” She tapped a fist on her heart. “I’m okay with however you answer. I’d just like to know.”

He took a moment, and she knew he sought out the words.

“I was dazzled by your mother. Maybe a little overwhelmed, a lot excited. When she told me she was pregnant, I loved her. And I think it was because I loved what was inside her, what we’d started without meaning to. Sometimes I wonder if she knew that, even before I did. That would’ve been hurtful. I cared about her, Rowan, and I did my best by her. But you were why.

“I can say Ella dazzled me, overwhelmed me, excited me. But it’s different. I know what I didn’t feel for your mother because I feel it now, for Ella.”

“What is it you’re supposed to feel?” she demanded. “I can never figure it out.”

He cleared his throat. “Maybe you should ask another woman about this kind of thing.”

“I’m asking you.”

“Ah, hell.” Now he shuffled his feet, the big man, the Iron Man. “I’m not going to talk about sex. I did that with you once already, and that was scarier than any fire I ever jumped.”

“And embarrassing for both of us. I’m not asking about sex, Dad. I know about sex. You tell me you love her, and I can see it all over you. I can see it, but I don’t know how it feels—how it’s supposed to feel.”

“There’s a lot that goes around it. Trust and respect and—” He cleared his throat again. “Attraction. But the center’s a reflection of all of those things, all your strengths and weaknesses, hopes and dreams. They catch fire there, in the center. Maybe it blazes, maybe it simmers, smolders, but there’s the heat and the light, all those colors, and what’s around it feeds it.

“Fire doesn’t only destroy, Rowan. Sometimes it creates. The best of it creates, and when love’s a fire, whether it’s bright or a steady glow, hot or warm, it creates. It makes you better than you were without it.”

He stopped, colored a little. “I don’t know how to explain it.”

“It’s the first time anyone ever explained it so I could understand it. Dad.” She took his hands, looked into his eyes. “I’m really happy for you. I mean it, all the way through. Really happy for you.”

“That means more than I can tell you.” He drew her in, held her tight as Ella drove up. “You were my first love,” he whispered in Rowan’s ear. “You always will be.”

She knew it, but now let go enough to accept he could love someone else, too. She nodded as Ella stepped out of the car.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Ella smiled at Lucas. “Am I late?”

“Right on time.” Keeping his hand in Rowan’s, he leaned down, kissed Ella. “How’d it go with Irene?”

“Packing up, organizing, deciding over the contents of a house a woman’s lived in for twenty-five years is a monumental project—and you know I love projects. It’s helping her, I think, the work, the planning. Helping her get through the now.”

“Did Jim’s parents . . .” Rowan trailed off.

“They’re leaving this afternoon. I met them, and they’re lovely people. Kate’s asked Irene to come stay with them if and when she goes to Nebraska. To stay until she finds a place of her own. I don’t think she will, but the offer touched her.”

“Don’t be sad,” Lucas said, sliding an arm around Ella’s shoulders as her eyes filled.

“I can’t figure out what I am.” She blinked the tears back. “But I called my son, asked him to bring the kids over later. I know how I feel after a few hours with my grandchildren. Happy and exhausted.”

Grandchildren, Rowan thought. She’d forgotten. Did that make her father kind of an unofficial grandfather? What did he think about
that
? How did he—

“Oh, hell, I forgot I need to run something by L.B. Two minutes,” he promised Ella, and loped off.

“So,” Ella began, “are we okay?”

“We’re okay. It’s . . . strange, but we’re okay. I guess you’ve told your son and daughter.”

“Yes. My daughter’s thrilled, which may be partially due to hormones as she’s pregnant and that was just great news.”

Another one? she thought. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks. My son’s . . . a little embarrassed right now, I think, at the distinct possibility Lucas and I do more than jigsaw puzzles and watch TV together.”

“He shouldn’t be embarrassed that you guys play gin rummy now and then.”

Ella let out an appreciative laugh. “He’ll get over it. I’d like to have you over for dinner, all the kids, when you can manage it. Nothing formal, just a family meal.”

“Sounds good.” Or manageable, she decided, which had the potential for good. “You should know, straight off, I don’t need a mother.”

“Oh, of course you do. Everyone does. A woman who’ll listen, take your side, tell the truth—or not, as you need it. A woman you can count on, no matter what, and who’ll love you no matter how much you screw up. But since you’ve already got that in Marg, I’m happy to settle for being your friend.”

“We can see how that goes.”

The siren shrilled.

“Hell. I’m up.”

“Oh, God! You have to go. You have to—Can I watch? Lucas told me how this part works, but I’d like to see it.”

“Fine with me. But you have to run.” Without waiting, Rowan tore toward the ready room.

She breezed by Cards, so he kicked it to keep pace.

“What’s the word?” she asked.

“Laborious. Got one up in Flathead, tearing down the canyon. That’s all I know.”

“Are you spotting?”

“Jumping.”

They rushed into the controlled chaos of the ready room, grabbing gear out of lockers. Rowan pulled on her jumpsuit, checked pockets, zippers, snaps, secured her gloves, her let-down rope. She shoved her feet into her boots and caught sight of Matt doing the same.

“How’d you get back on the list?”

“Just my luck. I checked back in twenty minutes ago.” He shook his head, then snagged his chute and reserve off the speed rack. “I guess the fire god decided I’d had enough time off.”

Rowan secured her chutes, her PG bag. “See you on the ship,” she told him, and tucked her helmet under her arm.

She shuffled toward the door, surprised to see Gull, already suited up, standing with her father and Ella.

“That was quick.”

“I was in the loadmaster’s room when the siren went off. Handy. Are you set?”

“Always.” Rowan tapped her fingers to her forehead, flashed her father a grin. “See you later.”

“See you later.” He echoed the good-bye they’d given each other all her life.

“I asked if it was allowed, and since it is, I’m going to say stay safe.”

Rowan nodded at Ella. “I plan on it. Let’s roll, rook.”

“I know you told me it all moves fast,” Ella said as Rowan walked with Gull toward the waiting plane, “but I didn’t realize just how fast. There’s no time to think. The siren goes off, and they go from drinking coffee or packing boxes to flying to a fire, in minutes.”

“It’s a routine, like getting dressed in the morning. Only on fast forward. And they’re always thinking. Kick some ass,” he told Yangtree.

“Kicking ass, taking names. And counting the days. Catch you on the flip side, buddy.”

He spoke to others as they waddled toward the plane, some he’d worked with, others who seemed as young as saplings to him. He slipped his hand in Ella’s as the plane’s door closed.

One of them might be a killer.

“They’ll be fine.” She squeezed his fingers. “And back soon.”

“Yeah.” Still, he felt the comfort of having her hand in his as he watched the plane taxi, rev, then rise.

AFTER THE BRIEFING IN FLIGHT,
Rowan huddled with Yangtree and Trigger over maps and strategy.

Gull plugged his MP3 in, slid on his sunglasses. The music cut the engine noise, left his mind free to think. Behind the shaded glasses, he scanned the faces, the body language of the other jumpers.

Maybe it felt wrong, this suspicion, but he’d rather suffer a few pangs of guilt than suffer the consequences of more sabotage.

Cards and Dobie passed some time with liar’s poker while Gibbons read a tattered paperback copy of
Cat’s Cradle
. Libby huddled with Matt, patting his knee in one of her there-there gestures. The spotter got up from his seat behind the cockpit to pick his way through to confer with Yangtree.

When the call came out for buddy checks, Gull walked back himself to perform the ritual with Rowan.

“Yangtree’s dumping us,” Rowan told him.

Yangtree shook his head with a smile. “I’m going to work for Iron Man the first of the year. I’m going to take the fall off, buy myself a house, get my other knee fixed, do some fishing. I’ll have a lot more fishing time without having to ride herd over the bunch of you every summer.”