The Offer (27 page)

“I’ll just
say, whatever you’re doing—”

“Which is
you,” he interjects. “Over and over again.”

“—keep doing
it.”

“And
tonight?”

Now I feel a
bit guilty. “I’m actually kind of tired.”

“Same,” he
says, propping up his pillow. “But that doesn’t mean I won’t wake
you up in the middle of the night the only way I know how.”

I smile at
that and let this absolute feeling of peace settle over me. The
moment, as simple as it is, is pretty much perfect. It is perfect.
I’ve got my daughter in her own room, responding well to the
insulin and shots, taking the whole thing like the trooper she is.
I’ve got a wonderful apartment, more than just a roof over my head.
I’ve got the opportunity to really get my life on track, to start
over and end strong, and I’m doing just that. And now I’ve got
Bram, this wonderful beast of a man who keeps my brain guessing and
my body coming.

I do catch
myself on that last thought though. Because as much as I have him
in the moment, as much as his arms are around me, keeping me calm
and warm as the cool night air wafts in through the open window,
and as much as I had him earlier tonight, I don’t really know what
the future will bring. I don’t even know what we are. He said he
wouldn’t date or fuck anyone else and I believe that, just as I
wouldn’t even think of it myself.

But what does
that mean? Are we in a relationship? Does he do relationships, like
boyfriend and girlfriend, or am I just some sort of a monogamous
fuckbuddy? I want to say that I don’t mind just being a fling,
especially if I’m the only one he has. But the truth, the damn
scary truth, is that I’m falling for him. It’s not love, I know
it’s not. It’s not hitting me over the head, it’s not stealing my
heart.

But he is
stealing my thoughts. He’s training my body to want him and only
him and all the time. He’s making my heart beat faster when he’s
around, he’s making me smile like an idiot when I even hear his
name. He’s making me look forward to each and every day because I
know he’ll be in it and when I imagine a day without seeing his
handsome face, there’s this strange sensation in my chest, like my
heart is bereft.

My heart can’t
be involved though, it’s too risky, it’s too soon. I don’t want
love to swoop on into my life and turn it upside down, not now when
everything is starting to go right. In my experience, love is a
destructive force, tearing hearts to shreds and forcing people to
pick up the pieces. Even the best love stories are violent
tales.

I have to
wonder if Bram has ever been in love. If he’s actually gone that
distance and bid farewell to his heart. If he’s been serious enough
about someone else to share a part of his life with them to move
in, to have something that has a label attached. I wonder if he’s
ever been down this road and if it’s something he’s even open
to.

“Have you ever
been in love?” I ask, my voice sounding far away, as if in a dream.
I can’t believe I’m actually asking those words out loud, but there
you have it. If my brain doesn’t turn off, stuff will eventually
come out my mouth.

I can feel him
flinch beside me so that cancels out any hope that he was already
asleep. Sometimes I have no idea how long I get lost in my
thoughts. Is it moments? Minutes? I tilt my head to see his sharp
gaze in the hazy darkness. “Don’t worry,” I go on. “I’m not in love
with you,” I assure him.

“Oh,” he says,
clearing his throat. “That’s too bad.” He swallows and then rolls
on his back so he’s staring up at the ceiling. “Yes. I was in love.
Only once. I had it pretty bad too but…I was young. Shit happened.
I panicked and I fucked up. I fucked up big time. I was just such a
bloody idiot. It’s a real fucking shame, you know? Because I think
love is the sort of thing you should reflect on and feel good
about. That’s what love is, isn’t it? A good thing? But I can’t
look back on her, on what happened, and feel anything but shame.”
His chest rises and falls with a deep breath. “What I wouldn’t give
sometimes for that chance again to just fix things…make them right.
But we rarely get a second chance, do we?”

I know it
shouldn’t bother me, but the way he’s talking about this woman is
making my heart cower, like an early frost has stormed on in.
“What’s her name?” I ask.

He hesitates
for a moment then says, “Taylor.”

So, Taylor did
a real number on him. I hoped that whatever we were – whatever we
could be – would be enough to erase her from his mind.

“That’s a nice
name,” I tell him, feeling stupid as I say it.

“She was a
nice girl,” he says. “But that’s all in the past and in the past is
where it will stay. What about you? Your baby daddy?”

I chew on my
lip for a moment. “Was I in love with Phil? You know what? I don’t
know. I guess so. Maybe it was just infatuation? Stubbornness? Like
I’d become so determine to love him I thought I did. Is that
possible? Anyway, whatever we had, it still ruined me in the end so
maybe it was love or maybe it was just loss. I don’t know.”

“Maybe it was
love or maybe it was just loss,” he repeats slowly. “I like that.
That makes sense to me. Because sometimes you don’t know, you just
know what you had is gone and you know how that makes you
feel.”

“Yeah,” I say
through a heavy breath, remembering how damn low I felt after Phil
left. How scared. Now, I don’t know if my heart itself was breaking
because love was lost or if it was just what Phil was to me that
was gone. “I guess you know if you know.”

“That’s true,”
he says. His arms tighten around me. “Now, why are you getting all
philosophical in the dark, huh? Do you need a spanking to set you
right?”

I giggle and
push his face away from my neck as he attempts to kiss me. “No, I’m
good.”

“You’re the
opposite of good and you’re going to be punished.”

He suddenly
flips me over and climbs on top of me, his hand smacking the side
of my hip, his mouth all over my neck and shoulders. I can’t help
but laugh as he kisses my worries away.

Three
weeks pass by in a flash. Three glorious, beautiful weeks. There
are some more shifts at work, I’ve bought a sewing machine and some
fabric with the extra cash, the weather is starting to get warmer
and Ava has become obsessed with bugs (thank you
A Bug’s
Life
). But for the most
part, these three weeks have been one naked, hazy, sweat-slicked
sex fest.

Bram is
insatiable and the more he screws me every which way, the more
insatiable I’ve become in return. Every single moment that we’re
alone, he’s inside me – cock, tongue, fingers – and I’m starting to
feel like the sexual goddess he keeps saying I am. It makes me
wonder how I’ve even survived for so long without this in it. I
understand now why sex is so goddamn important to people – it gives
us life, it makes us feel more alive.

And it brings
us connection. It’s not just a fuck or a shag. It’s not just
orgasms and exploring each other’s bodies. We’re exploring each
other’s souls as well. I know that’s a cheesy way to think about
things, but it’s true. The more I sleep with Bram, the more we
talk, the more we don’t even need to talk. We just feel each other
on this other level, this current of intimacy that’s scary as hell
but addicting all the same.

Naturally, I
don’t know if he feels the same way that I do. That I’m falling.
Bit by bit. That I feel like I understand him on levels I didn’t
think possible. But I at least know that sometimes I catch him
looking at me and it’s like he thinks I’m magic.

I keep
thinking back to what my mother said about that, to never let it go
once you’ve found it. God forbid anything from trying to derail
what we are and where we might be headed, but I have no intentions
of ever letting go.

The only
hiccup in the last few weeks is that while I’ve been busier with
more shifts, Bram has been busier with more meetings with the city,
organizations, and investors. It’s great that his idea is going
full-steam ahead, but it does mean we don’t see each other as much
as we used to. It’s usually just nights and that’s probably why we
cling to each other in the sex-soaked fog like we do.

Tonight
though, it’s Monday and I don’t have to work. Bram’s free this
evening, so he’s bringing over some Thai takeout for us. Even
though takeout food is the worst thing for Ava, he goes out of his
way to make sure she has steamed rice and vegetables with no msg
and nothing but a little soy sauce, just so she won’t feel left
out.

The three of
us are sitting around my kitchen table and I’m currently fanning my
mouth with my hand because I think I got a load of chilies in my
bite of Pad Thai. Bram is watching me with amusement, perhaps even
more amused than normal.

“Sorry I don’t
have a tongue of steel,” I tell him, slurping back a gulp of white
wine to cool the burn.

He lets out a
small laugh. “It’s hot even for me.” He looks at Ava then back at
me. “Do you girls want to hear something fun?”

“Yes!” Ava
says enthusiastically.

Since he
included both of us in that question, I figure it can’t be
perverted. And so, I’m intrigued.

“What?” I ask,
putting my chopsticks down.

Now he’s
grinning to himself, like he’s about to tell a joke and is already
laughing at the punchline.

“Bram,” I
remind him, “what’s fun?”

“Okay, okay,”
he says, biting his lip. He’s so damn handsome sometimes I forget
my own name. He goes on, “How would you two like to go on a little
adventure together?”

“Are we going
to IKEA?” Ava asks.

“
We
are
never
going to
IKEA again,” I tell her. “That’s a bad word in this house
now.”

She pouts a
little but eyes Bram expectantly.

“Definitely
not going there,” he says. “But we are going somewhere that Ava has
probably dreamed about going. I must warn you though, little one,
you must be brave.”

Her eyes
widen, but she nods, serious. “I can be brave. I get the ouchies,
I
am
brave.”

He leans
closer to her and whispers, “There are giant bugs there.”

“Bugs!” she
cries out. “Oh, I want to see the giant bugs.”

Okay, I
have no idea what he’s talking about but I totally don’t want to
see
any
giant
bugs.

“Are we going
camping?” I ask him, trying not to shudder.

“No,” he says.
“But before you say anything, just know that I’ve booked you off
the next four days from work.”

“
You
did
what
?”

“Don’t worry,”
he attempts to placate me, “I’ve already talked to James, it’s not
a problem.”

“Yeah, but
it’s still money lost!”

“I said don’t
worry.” He reaches out and puts his hand on mine, giving it a
squeeze. “Please. You deserve this trip. You both do.”

“I’m not sure
anyone deserves a trip to giant bug land.”

“Even if it’s
located in,” dramatic pause, “Disneyland?”

Oh my
God. Did he dare say the word
Disneyland
around Ava? That’s like conjuring up Beetlejuice, except
instead of Michael Keaton appearing, Ava turns into a rocket of a
child, like she’s fueled by one million tons of sugar.

“Disneyland!”
she shrieks. It’s ear-piercing. “Disneyland!”

I eye Bram who
is clearly enjoying himself. “Please tell me you’re serious,
because if you don’t take her to Disneyland now—”

“I am
completely serious. And I’m glad you’re all for it.”

“Well, of
course, I am. Who doesn’t want to go to Disneyland?”

He shrugs.
“I’m sure most adults don’t. Didn’t you see Louise CK’s sketch?
Personally, I think those adults are no fun, but I’ve got to say,
sweetheart, I’m glad you’re not one of them.” He looks at Ava who
is practically bouncing out of her seat. “And I can’t imagine a
better place for Ava to have some fun too.”

I try to go
back to eating my food but I can’t. I’m just so overwhelmed. Giddy.
Maybe just as excited as my daughter. Later, when Ava is playing in
her room and we’re in the kitchen putting the dishes away, I turn
to him, grabbing him by the wrists and pulling him close.

“You didn’t
have to do that,” I tell him, my guilt seeping in.

“I know I
don’t have to do anything.” He kisses me on the forehead. “I want
to. I can’t wait to see you act like a kid.”

And I
can’t wait to have him there with me. “How did you know that I’ve
always wanted to go to Disneyland with someone I’m…with?”
Eep
, almost said
something else there, got to keep going. “The last time I was there
I think I was eighteen and with a girlfriend and everywhere you
looked there were couples making out. I’ve
always
wanted to be one of those annoying
couples.”

“We can annoy
the shit out of the whole park,” he murmurs, kissing me lightly on
the lips. “But, perhaps, I need some practice first.”

I sink into
his kiss, letting it fuel me, feeling the need swarm over my bones.
I nearly forget that he was being a cheeseball. I break away,
placing my hands on his chest, feeling his hard muscles underneath.
“Thank you,” I tell him softly. “Ava has always wanted to go…I’ve
never been able to take her.”

He nods. He
knows. “Good thing is that, by waiting, she’ll not only remember it
more but she’ll enjoy it more too.”

“So when are
we going?”

“Tomorrow
morning,” he says. “Bright and early. So get your arse packing.” He
places a wide hand on my ass and squeezes. “Or I’ll get your arse
spanking.”