The One I Love (18 page)

“I can still orgasm apparently, but haven’t tried it yet. Obviously I can’t get anyone pregnant and I’ll need to inject hormones every few weeks.”

“Ah, it’ll be pretty much the same for me.”

“I see you’re thinking about reconstruction,” he said, looking at the pamphlet.

She nodded.

“They offered me fake balls,” he said.

“Really? Did you take them?”

“No, too weird.”

“I don’t know what to do,” she said.

“Then just take one step at a time,” he said.

After a pause she said, “Mark?”

“Yes?”

“Are you married?”

“Divorced.”

“Kids?”

“Two boys, twelve and ten.”

“Is the cancer gone?”

“That’s what they tell me,” he said.

“Would you like to go to an art exhibition with me tomorrow night?”

“I’d love to,” he said.

“Good,” she said. “Excellent.”

They swapped numbers and soon after that she was called into her doctor’s office. He couldn’t help but wonder why she had a stupid grin on her face while he was talking her through the radical procedures she was facing.

*

Tom fought with Jeanette on the phone in his car. She was pissed off that he wouldn’t allow her to attend the Missing Exhibition and he couldn’t understand why on earth she’d want to be there or how she thought her presence appropriate.

“It’s appropriate because I’m the one sleeping beside you in bed.”

“That is why it is so very inappropriate, Jeanette.”

“It’s not like I’m going to advertise myself. I’ll stay quiet, I’ll bring Davey and I’ll pretend you’re my friend and he’s my boyfriend.”

“No.”

“So that’s it?”

“Yes,” he said, “that’s it.”

“Don’t expect me to be waiting for you when you get home.”

“Okay.”

“Bastard!”

She hung up and Tom drove on, wondering how he had allowed himself to get into such a dangerous situation with a young girl who had a stupid crush on him.
I’m so sorry, Alexandra. If only you’d come home to me, this nightmare would end
.

He pulled up outside his parents-in-law’s house and beeped. Breda appeared at the door and he got out, ran up the path and put his arm around her shoulders. “You look beautiful,” he said.

She smiled at him. “You’re a liar but I appreciate it.”

Alexandra’s father had decided not to attend the exhibition. He didn’t feel comfortable in arty circles. Instead he would spend the evening as he always did, with his friends
in the pub avoiding his new reality. Alexandra’s sister Kate and brother Eamonn were attending with their spouses and travelling separately.

Tom helped Breda into the car and walked around to his side, sat in and took off down the road.

“It’s very exciting,” Breda said, “all this good work in Alexandra’s name.”

Tom agreed. Jane had been very pleased with the media interest, and when Elle had insisted that any proceeds would go to the National Missing Persons Bureau it was a major coup for them and a news story worthy of reporting. The fact that Jack Lukeman was taking time out of his busy touring schedule to come and play led to further interest, including a TV magazine show that wished to film a song from Jack and an interview with Tom. He was pretty sick at the notion of having to talk to a camera, but Breda assured him he would be great and that Alexandra would be so proud.

Jane was waiting at the door. She greeted Tom and Breda with hugs and ushered them inside. They were early enough to see the pieces hanging from the wall without interruption. Breda stood in front of the painting of her daughter for the longest time. Silent tears rolled down her hollow cheeks. Tom took her hand.

“I still feel her,” she said. “She’s still with us.”

“I know,” Tom said, but he didn’t know, and every time he ventured into the dark place, he left it hoping she was gone rather than enduring ongoing torture.

A few minutes later Leslie appeared with a man. She introduced him to Jane, who welcomed them both, then asked Mark to excuse Leslie for a minute. Leslie followed her into the back room.

“What is it with you and bald men?” Jane said.

“Is that why I’m back here?”

“No. Elle’s missing. I was hoping you’d talked to her today.”

“No. I haven’t. I don’t believe it.”

“The press is relying on her being here.” Jane was starting to freak out. “I can’t let everybody down now.”

“You’re not letting anyone down – bloody Elle is. I’ll kill her.”

Just then Elle appeared in her short dress and thigh-high boots. “Kill who?”

Jane let out a sigh of relief. “Where were you?”

“I have no idea. On a boat and a long way from land, if that helps.”

“You nearly gave Jane a heart attack,” Leslie said.

“Sorry, Jane. Sorry, Leslie.”

“Don’t be smart,” Leslie said.

Elle hugged her. “I met a boy and I liked him. Of course he’s gone now, sailing away on the high seas as we speak.”

“Well, good,” Leslie said, “good for you. Now go home, change out of the dominatrix gear and have a wash while you’re at it.”

Elle saluted and Tom was given the job of driving her home to wash and change before the exhibition.

Jane introduced Breda to Leslie and explained who Leslie was and what she had done to help them find Alexandra. Breda was very grateful, Leslie humbled and Mark incredibly impressed by his altruistic new friend.

Then Eamonn, Kate and their spouses arrived and Jane offered them wine and watched as they migrated towards the picture of their sister. Eamonn and Kate stood together,
shoulders touching, looking into Alexandra’s eyes. When they turned to face the crowd, Kate’s eyes were damp and Eamonn looked as if he was in physical pain.

Mark wasn’t drinking so Leslie merely sipped a glass of wine. She asked him if he felt well enough to stay and he said he did. She told him she wouldn’t ask him again so if he wanted to go he had a mouth and could tell her. He liked that she didn’t fuss over him.

Dominic appeared with Kurt and Irene in tow. Jane felt more than a little awkward around Dominic after the night in the car when he’d clearly attempted to seduce her, so his insistence that she invite him to Elle’s Missing Exhibition had made her extremely uncomfortable, especially in light of Kurt’s recent revelation that things were weird at his dad’s house. She managed to put her discomfort to one side and concentrated on Kurt. She was delighted to see her son and wondered what had brought about his sudden interest in one of Elle’s exhibitions.

“What you and Elle are doing for your friend, well, it’s really cool, Mum,” he said.

“Yeah, Jane,” Irene said. “Every girl could do with a friend like you.”

“Thank you.” She was still a little miffed because Kurt had known about the show for months and he’d never seemed particularly interested or impressed before.

“Dad showed us pictures of you and Alexandra when you were our age,” Kurt said.

“Can’t believe you were a Megadeth fan,” said Irene. “I love Megadeth.”

Jane looked at Dominic. “What’s this?” she asked, feigning a smile.

“Your mother wasn’t half sexy in her day,” said Dominic.

“Too much, Dad,” Kurt said. “Seriously too, too much.”

Irene explained that Dominic had shown them the pictures of the Megadeth concert in Antrim that they’d gone to a year before Kurt was born. Jane remembered the pictures: she was smoking and straddling Dominic, and Alexandra was drinking from a bottle of cider and giving the camera the finger.

Kurt nudged his mother, grinned at her, then followed Irene to the drinks counter. They picked up a glass of wine each and raised them to her. She turned to Dominic and shook her head. “What were you thinking?” she said.

“What do you mean?”

“Showing them those pictures.”

“Why wouldn’t I? They’re part of our past.”

“Kurt sees me and you and cigarettes and booze and –”

“And he’ll run off and get his girlfriend pregnant?”

“Don’t make fun of me!”

“I would never do that. Look, all I’m saying is your life isn’t his life so just relax.”

“It’s not him I’m worried about.” Jane pointed to Irene, who was rubbing the back of Kurt’s neck and whispering in his ear. “It’s her.”

“What will be will be, Janey.”

“Easy for you to say,” she said, and went to talk to a representative of the National Missing Persons Bureau.

Jack Lukeman arrived on schedule. He was dressed from head to toe in black and his long coat swung behind him. Leslie greeted him with a hug and introduced him to Jane. He put his hand out and she shook it. He cupped her hand, tipped his head to the side and viewed her as though she
was a painting. She blushed. He grinned and let her hand go. “Nice to meet you, Jane.”

Jane told him how lovely it was to meet him and then she told him about the many times she’d seen him play, the where and when, how she’d got there, who she’d been with and how fantastic each show was. Jack nodded as though he cared.

Leslie sighed. “Jesus, Jane, as if he gives a shit.”

Jack laughed a giddy, dirty laugh and put his arm around Leslie.

“Sorry,” Jane said.

“You’ll have to excuse her,” he said. “She doesn’t mix well.”

Later Jack and his guitar player played an acoustic set surrounded by paintings of the Missing to a captivated crowd. They sat on chairs under the painting of Alexandra. The guitar player strummed gently and Jack leaned forward, closed his eyes and sang “Metropolis Blue” into his microphone.

“
Sometimes I ask myself how did I get here?

Country boy with no change for his fares and city girls are so expensive
.

I wanna go back to the girl that I love, I would go back there if I could
.

I know I should. I need you. My lips ache for your kiss
.

I need you and not this hungriness
.

I just spend my time hanging around here with the boys, drinking whiskey drinking beer
,

Fool I was thought adventure was near, those easy thrills are so elusive I fear
.

“My heart sings for the one that I love. I would go back there if I could, I know I should
.

I need you, my tune lacks your melody
.

I need you, my eyes no longer see
.

I am floating like an autumn leaf, on the whim of a breeze I float

I would give almost anything, a thousand jewels, an enchanted view, a billion poems but I’m a fool
.

I can barely write a note but we live in hope. I need you for all eternity
.

I need you, you are my destiny. I need you. I need you
.”

The audience were silent as though they were in church and they only clapped and cheered when he opened his eyes and smiled. Tom wiped away tears. The TV cameras rolled.

Elle was back, clean and in a subdued black outfit, standing quietly and respectfully to the side with her sister. When Jack had finished his set – the photographers were snapping and the crowd were clapping – she leaned in towards Jane and whispered, “We’ve done well, Janey.”

Jane looked at Alexandra’s mother smiling a genuine smile, her sister and brother clapping and charmed by the talented Mr Lukeman, who had managed to make them forget their loss if only for a few minutes. She caught Tom’s eye and they smiled at one another. She turned to Leslie, who was laughing with the latest bald man in her life, and felt happy.

Jane was about to go to bed when the doorbell rang. She looked through the peephole, which revealed Dominic. She thought about ignoring him but then he pushed the buzzer again and held it down. She opened the door.

“Go away.”

He held the door open. “Please let me in.”

She let him in.

He sat on the sofa and hugged a cushion. “I think my marriage is over.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“The bitch just kicked me out of my own house. I mean, is that even legal?”

“Well, it’s her house too.”

“Is it tits! I’ve had that house ten years – we’ve only known each other five minutes.”

“Which begs the question as to why you married her in the first place.”

“She was pregnant. She lost the baby at eleven weeks.”

Jane was shocked. She hadn’t guessed.

“As soon as I found out I proposed because I didn’t want to be the same fucker I was to you. I wanted to be a good dad, a good man, but I suppose it wasn’t meant to be.”

“I’m really sorry.” She sat down beside him.

“Don’t say anything,” he said. “Just kiss me.”

“Dominic.”

“Please, Janey.”

And so she kissed him, and she straddled him like she had so many years ago at the Megadeth concert and they had sex on her recently re-covered sofa.

After he came and the condom was quickly disposed of, they sat together and he looked into her eyes and asked, “Do you think we should try for another baby?”

For a second she thought he was talking about him and her, but then the truth dawned. He was talking about his wife, the woman he had married, baby or no baby, and
something inside her died. She stood up, fixed her skirt and asked him to leave.

“But I’ve nowhere to go,” he said.

“I don’t care.”

“But I don’t understand.”

“I loved you for all these years. I was in love with you, but no more.” She walked him to her front door. She handed him his shoes. She bade him goodnight. She closed the door and she walked to her bedroom. In bed she covered her head. She didn’t cry because she had done that too many times before. Instead she just lay there and embraced the pain in her heart and told herself,
Enough now
.