The Ongoing Reformation of Micah Johnson (17 page)

“That’s the team rosters, right?” Jack asked Micah in a nervous hiss.

“Think so.”

“Good luck.”

“You too, mate.”

There was a mad rush to get to the sheets, but Micah and Jack hung back, not wanting to appear so desperate. Boyd Davies had no such problem, and he pumped his fists in the air.

“What a surprise,” Jack sighed.

“Like a foul smell from a sewerage pit,” Micah agreed.

“Lucky us. What’s the bet I’m on his team?”

“Now you’ve jinxed yourself.”

Boyd gave Micah a triumphant look as he pushed past them. Micah shrugged.

But as he read the sheets, he knew the reason for Boyd’s look.

Micah’s name was only listed as part of a team—he wasn’t a captain.

And Boyd was—Micah also happened to be on his team.

“Fuck this,” Micah hissed.

Jack’s finger ran down the sheet. “Oh. Well, I knew I wouldn’t be a captain. I did think you would be, though.”

“This is bullshit. Absolute fucking bullshit. Okay, I’m not captain. But Boyd? Especially after what he tried to do yesterday?”

“I know,” Jack said. “But seriously, what can you do?”

“Quit.”

“You don’t mean that.”

Micah shrugged. He meant the words when he said them, but now they sounded hollow.

ONCE HE
was outside, he heard his name being called again. It was Dec. Micah, without hesitation, decided to keep going. Where he was going, he didn’t know. Maybe down to the lake to rescue Boyd’s boots so he could drown them again.

Dec caught up with him. “I was calling you.” He seemed pissed.

“Don’t care.” It sounded less like words than something a dog would hack up.

Dec’s hand on his shoulder was a death grip, stopping Micah and forcing him to turn around and face him.

“Listen to me now, and listen to me good,” Dec said. “Everything you’re thinking is on your face right now. And it can’t be that way. Otherwise you’ll
never
become a captain.”

“I would never become captain anyway.”

“Says who?”

Micah rolled his eyes.

“Don’t give me that, Micah. Talk to me.”

“It’s the Boyd Davieses of this world who become captains. The good old boys who fit every manly stereotype, don’t have a thought of their own, and are just fucking lunkheads.”

“What, not the gay guy?”

“Exactly.”

“You’re so pissed right now you forget who you’re talking to?”

The obvious dawned on Micah.

“How many years was I captain of my team?”

Micah didn’t answer.

“Three. On and off. And two of them were
after
I came out. So what’s the difference between you and me?”

“I dress better?”

Dec held up his hands in frustration, then put them on his hips, staring down at Micah. When Micah didn’t say anything else, Dec started walking off.

“Hey!” Micah yelled.

“What?” Dec turned back.

“That’s it? You’re not going to say anything else?”

“I talk and talk and
talk
to you, Micah, but it just as well should be
at
you, because you never listen to me or take anything in.”

“I’m listening now.”

Dec didn’t look as if he believed him. “Really? Then I’ll ask the question again. What is the main difference between you and me? Why would I get picked to be a captain, and why would you be overlooked right now?”

“Is this the teamwork thing again?”

“Partly.”

“But you don’t think it’s the main reason?” Micah asked.

Dec shook his head.

And Micah knew. He always knew. “My temper.”

“You got it.”

“I’ve seen other captains who have tempers.”

“Yours is all-consuming, Micah. You let it take you over, and it causes you to make mistakes on the field. A captain can’t work that way.”

“Well, there’s nothing I can do about that.”

“If that’s what you think, then there’s nothing I can do to help you. And you know what, Micah? I’m sick of having to fight you every day. You do something, we argue, you make promises, you break them, we argue. It’s endless.”

When Micah didn’t answer, Dec walked away.

Micah wanted to run after him and apologise, but he couldn’t. He just stood and watched him go.

MICAH HADN’T
even reached the building when he heard his name called out again. Was everybody in the fucking camp gunning for him right now?

“What?” he demanded as he turned around, almost smashing his head into Kyle’s.

“Watch it!” Kyle said.

“You’re the one who ran into me.”

“I didn’t think you were going to stop like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you were about to immediately take me out.”

“I thought you were someone else.”

“Who?”

“Boyd.”

“I thought maybe you would say Declan Tyler. That conversation looked pretty intense.”

“He was just telling me what all my faults are.”

“And he’s let you go already? I would think that convo would take another hour.”

“Oh, fuck off.”

But Kyle followed him. “Okay, you’re a little tetchy.”

“A little?”

“I take it this is about the captaincy?”

Micah stopped and stared at him. “How do you know everything?”

“Like I said before, I work here, and the coaches don’t notice me.”

“And what have you heard?”

“That this would probably be your reaction.”

“Why?” Micah spat. “Because, as Dec said, I’ve got a temper?”

“Kind of proving their point. They’re not wrong, are they?”

Micah had had enough. “Can’t you leave me alone?”

“Then stop talking to me.”

“I will.”

“You’re still here.”

“I’m going.”

“I’m waiting.”

Micah was ready to start yelling, and he was just as surprised when a laugh escaped him.

Kyle grinned. “See? You can work on your temper. That’s what the coaches want to see.”

“Well, it’s too late for that now.”

“You’ve still got a day left, and a whole other camp. That’s enough time.”

“No, it’s not.”

“That’s bullshit. You can work on it, but you either don’t want to or think you really shouldn’t have to. Which one is it?”

“I just don’t see why it’s seen as my overwhelming characteristic.”

“Because that’s what people see.”

“You don’t,” Micah pointed out.

“Because for some strange reason you let me in.”

“I don’t know why. I’ve known you two days.”

Kyle thumped his chest exaggeratedly. “It’s because you’ve got the hots for me.”

Micah laughed again. “Fuck off.”

“I can’t help it if it’s the truth.”

“You really are full of yourself.”

“Pot, kettle. Listen, do you really think you should have been captain?”

“Yes!”

“Really?”

“I’d be better than Boyd Davies!”

Kyle shrugged. “He’s a piece of shit as a human being in our eyes, but he’ll be a good captain.”

“Unless you’re gay.”

“The sad thing is, I know that fucking football on the field is more important to him in the moment. He’ll still pass to you if it gets a goal. He’ll still want you in play.”

“How fucking progressive.”

“Believe me, I’m not saying it’s right. Because he’d make your life a misery off the field.”

“And that’s not good for team morale either.”

“I agree with you on that. But the sad thing is, that’s the state of the world at the moment. Straight people don’t see homophobia as that bad because it doesn’t affect them personally. They think we should just shake it off. But when you have a chip on your shoulder—”

“I can’t believe you’re blaming the victim.”

“You don’t think I have to put up with this shit too? Baseball isn’t exactly a refuge for the gay, either. But you have to play the game just as well as they do, Micah. You have to work within the system.”

“And dismantle it from within? Yeah, that’s worked so well in the past.”

“What else can you do? Run Davies down in the dead of night to take him out of contention? There’ll be somebody else to take his place, and they could be worse. And you still won’t be captain. You go running and screaming, with a chip on your shoulder—”

“The size of Uluru,” Micah murmured, remembering Simon saying the exact same thing to him months ago.

“What?”

“Dec’s partner said that to me once.”

“I’d have gone with the moon, but Uluru is still pretty bloody big.”

“Yeah,” Micah agreed. “It is. I’m just sick of everything having to be such a fucking battle.”

Kyle nodded. “Then you’ve got to stop making it harder for yourself too.”

“I know.”

“But sometimes you’re right.”

“Thank you,” Micah said. “That was all I needed to hear.”

“Really?”

“Everyone tells me I’m wrong so often, it’s nice to hear occasionally.”

“You are such a drama queen.”

Micah felt the old flare rise within him again, but he bit down on his tongue to quell it. He could actually taste blood. Maybe that wasn’t the healthiest way to deal with it either.

“Maybe I am,” he said, finally.

“Thank fuck,” Kyle said. “I was starting to think again that you were entirely humourless.”

“I’m not.”

“Good. Now that you’re in a better mood, put on your big boy pants and go make up with Declan. Then you go out in that match and prove to those coaches you can be captain one day.”

Micah resisted the urge to salute Kyle. Or kiss him. Both were pretty bad options right then.

DEC WAS
sitting out on the veranda, his feet resting on the railing and his hands occupied with his phone. The guys were getting ready on the oval—some were doing stretches and some jogging in order to warm up their limbs in the brisk morning air.

“Writing your newsletter?” Micah asked from behind Dec.

Dec actually jumped. “Fuck, Micah!”

“Sorry. Did I scare you?”

“No, I’m jumping for fun. Are you here to argue some more? Or are you just going to kill me now?”

So Dec still wasn’t happy with him. And Micah probably wasn’t going to improve that anytime soon. “I just want to know one thing.”

“I’ll try my best to answer you. But if it’s anything to do with geography, you have to consult Google.”

“Remember what I said about Simon rubbing off on you?”

“So you say, so you say.” Dec finished his text and set his phone to the side, giving Micah his undivided attention. “What is it you want to know?”

“Did you support me when it came to choosing the captain’s list?”

Dec sighed. “It had to be
that
question. Can I answer something else than that?”

“No, I want to know. Did you?”

“Sometimes you can’t be someone’s friend, even when they are your friend. You have to make a hard decision. You have to make the right decision. That’s what a captain has to do.”

And Micah could see it in his eyes: the man Dec was on the field. Friendly Dec was gone, replaced with a cold logician with a steely gaze. Who did what was best for the team, regardless of individual feeling. Micah wasn’t sure if he respected him or hated him in that moment.

“Well, you see, I wouldn’t know. I’m not a captain.”

“Not right now you’re not.”

“Because you chose a bigot over me.”

“Actually, I didn’t,” Dec said. “I don’t think Boyd Davies should be captain either. But I was outvoted. I actually voted for your friend Jack.”

“Jack?” Micah didn’t want to sound so shocked, but Jack hadn’t exactly expected himself to be captain material either.

“Yes. He’s not the best player, granted. But the captain should never be chosen on the basis of who plays the best. They have to lead through example and be able to manage the team. I think Jack has those qualities, and he exemplifies what a captain is far better than you or Boyd at the minute.”

Micah couldn’t disagree with that, really. And at least Dec hadn’t voted for Boyd. It meant he still had integrity, although it didn’t help either of them much.

“Neither of you deserve to be captains for different reasons right now.”

“But they still voted Boyd in and overruled on the fag.”

“I can’t guess at their reasoning, except I know one thing. Boyd still thinks of the game. You don’t. You carry grudges. At the moment, Micah, I could see you going on the field and refusing to handball to Boyd when he has a clear shot at goal just because you dislike him. That’s not teamwork.”

“Neither is harassing one of your teammates.”

“No. But unfortunately he has enough going for him that I think he would still pass
you
the ball.”

Fuck, it was exactly what Kyle had said to him, even if he was only repeating what he heard the coaches say. “Even if he’s a heinous human being?”

“Yes. Even if he
is
a heinous human being.” Dec gave a small smile.

“You talk to me like I’m Simon sometimes.”

“Is that a bad thing? I’m just used to talking people down off the ledge.”

“I’m not on the ledge.”

“Micah, you have your toes curling over the precipice.”

“Okay.”

“Anyway, Simon does it for me too.”

“Really? When are you ever on the ledge?”

“A
lot
of the time. You think I like this bullshit any more than you do? You don’t think it was a punch in the gut to me when they chose Davies?” Dec glowered, and Micah could finally see that the obvious dismissal of Boyd’s homophobia burned him as well. “I’m still not going to say that I think you should have got it, because you’re not ready. But Davies isn’t ready either. Not until he can accept his teammates for who they are. Because divisions during the game will surface, no matter what. And a divided team will never win.”

“So what are you saying I should do? I obviously can’t change Boyd’s mind about me.”

“Maybe you can’t. Maybe you can. Maybe sometime in the future when he’s playing professionally, he’ll just have to suck it up. But you have to find a way to work with it right here, right now.”

“That’s what I’m asking you.”

“But maybe you have to discover that for yourself.”