The Opposite of Me (44 page)

I wasn’t the girl Bradley loved anymore, either. I had to keep telling myself that as often as possible and hope the pain would dim. Maybe if that elevator hadn’t broken, or if Alex’s engagement photographer hadn’t canceled at the last minute, or if a million other little factors hadn’t fallen into place just so, I would’ve ended up with Bradley after all. Maybe.

A troublesome thought squirmed into my brain. I’d tried to push it away before, but it kept returning: I hadn’t thought about Bradley much while I was living in New York. So what had finally sparked my interest in him? Could it have been knowing that Alex liked him?

I rolled the thought around in my mind, testing it out, but I already knew the answer: No. That wasn’t the only reason I wanted Bradley, I realized with a rush of certainty. He wasn’t some prize in a competition; he was too good for that. My feelings were real and complicated and deep—but maybe, just maybe, they’d been ignited because of Alex’s interest. I had to concede that possibility.

But in the end, what did it matter? A life with Bradley wasn’t the one that was waiting for me, either.

So how did I find the right life? I wondered, watching a white-haired couple pass by, the man throwing a stick for his
golden retriever, and his wife watching and smiling. How did I know which way to move from here? How did
anyone
?

I loved my job with May, but if I were being brutally honest, deep down it still made me feel like a bit of a failure. I made less than a quarter of my old salary. My title wouldn’t impress anyone. Was the happiness I felt enough to compensate for losing all that? Or a few years from now, would I have regrets? Not knowing what to do was one of the hardest things I’d ever faced. I’d always known what to do, how to fix problems, which way to go. And I’d liked that part of myself, the part that was always certain of what to do next.

The day was beginning to warm up. I pulled off my fleece and tied it around my waist, then I resumed walking. Ahead of me the path curved. Even though I couldn’t see beyond another hundred yards or so, I knew that if I kept moving, I’d reach my favorite point on the whole trail, an old covered wooden bridge. I’d turn around there, I decided. Then I’d walk back along the shady path until it abruptly ended and spilled into the heart of Bethesda, where the sun shone brightly over the coffee shops and bookstores and galleries that crowded every inch of streetfront. Where people milled around, eating ice cream cones and clutching green plastic bags from Barnes & Noble and nursing glasses of wine under the awnings of sidewalk cafés.

Funny how you could be in one place and, a split second later, be in another place entirely, I thought, pushing my hands deeper into my pockets as I picked up my pace.

Twenty-eight
 

 

“SO NOW YOU’RE THE pretty one, and Alex is the smart one?” May asked. She was sitting across from me in her favorite overstuffed chair, and she’d put on a new Andrea Bocelli CD for us to listen to as we worked. Normally this was my favorite time of day: The sun streamed in through the big picture window behind us, the dogs were curled up by our feet, and I had a cup of warm, sweet-smelling tea in my hand. But for one of the few times in my life, I hadn’t been able to keep my mind on work. Whenever I tried to read through a client’s file, I saw the words on those IQ tests flash by instead.

“I don’t know what to think anymore,” I said. I sighed and looked away from the file I was resting on my knees. “Alex is going to be beautiful again, but she might not be able to lose all the weight. Some people don’t. Her hair might come in looking different. I feel like she’s not going to be happy until she looks exactly the same, but that might not happen. Ever.”

“That would be hard for anyone,” May said. “But especially someone like Alex.”

“And I can’t help feeling like I was duped,” I said. “It’s not as bad for me, but I kind of know how Alex feels. Only you can’t
see what I lost. My whole life was a fraud. Everyone kept telling me how smart I was. My parents, my teachers—they kept talking about my
potential
like it was this amazing thing without any limits. But I’m just kind of ordinary.”

“You’re a very smart woman,” May said loyally.

“But nothing”—I paused—“special.”

“I’d disagree with that,” May said. She got up, sliced the loaf of banana bread she’d taken out of the oven a few minutes ago, and brought a generous piece over to me. I breathed in deeply; there isn’t anything that smells better in this world than fresh-baked banana bread.

“Mmm,” I mumbled through a greedy mouthful. “If you’re trying to distract me, you should know I’m not that cheap. I require at least two pieces.”

May smiled at me. “Have you told Alex about the IQ tests?”

“Not yet,” I said. I swallowed my mouthful. “I was going to, but now I think I should wait until she feels a little better. She’s dealing with so much already right now.”

May nodded, then her forehead wrinkled in thought.

“There’s another way to look at all this,” she said slowly.

“Tell me,” I said. “My brain is exhausted from everything that’s happened. Of course, my brain is a lot smaller than it was rumored to be.”

May shook her head at me. “What I was going to say is, you could believe that you have unlimited potential, even more now than you had before. Look at where you got in life based on sheer hard work and willpower. What else could you do with your gifts? Where else could you go?”

I looked at her in surprise. I had never thought about it that way.

“Reinvent yourself again if you want to,” May said. “I think you can do anything you set your mind to.”

“My parents still don’t know I was fired,” I said after a mo
ment. “Can you believe that? I probably would’ve told them by now, but with everything going on with Alex . . .” My voice trailed off.

“I don’t think you need to tell them,” May said. “Just tell them you were offered a job as a full partner in one of D.C.’s top dating services.”

“Yeah, but . . . ,” I started. Then I stopped speaking and looked at May. “Full partner?”

“Do you have any idea how badly I want to go to India?” she asked. She wrapped her arms around herself and gave herself a squeeze as her eyes grew dreamy. “I’ve been fantasizing about it for years. I want to see the Taj Mahal, and sleep in a tent under the stars. It’d be so nice to know the agency is in your hands while I’m gone. Besides, you deserve it. Do you know business is up more than thirty percent since you started working here?”

“I don’t know what to say,” I said. To buy myself some time, I started picking crumbs of banana bread off the couch, which made Bonnie, the black Lab, who was trying frantically to lap them up, stare at me with wounded eyes. Suddenly panic engulfed me. I couldn’t look at May. If I did this—if I accepted the partnership—my life wouldn’t be the same, not ever. There would be no turning back; I’d be officially tossing my dreams into a bonfire. I’d never have a house in Aspen. I’d never have a car and driver, or an unlimited expense account. I’d be trading all that for a lifetime of dog hairs on my jeans, of laughing with clients in old diners, of babysitting and fixing chopped-off bangs. Of skipping out of work early on warm summer evenings. Of helping hope spring into people’s eyes.

Jump,
Matt’s voice said again.

Matt’s voice was getting kind of bossy.

“Lindsey? Are you okay?” May asked, pressing a tissue into my hand.

“I’m . . .” I searched for the word and finally found it. “Happy,” I said. “I’m happy.” I put my arms around May and hugged her, and felt her solid, comforting warmth.
“Thank you,”
I whispered as I wiped the tears from my eyes. And I realized I’d spoken the truth. Mixed in with everything else—the confusion and worry and panic—there was happiness, too, growing up as straight and true as a flower.

“What can I do?” Bradley ran both hands through his hair and paced his living room. “She won’t read my letters. She won’t answer the phone. She won’t see me. What can I
do
?”

He’d called my cell phone that morning while I’d been at work. For just a second, before I remembered, my heart had leapt up when I saw his name flash on my caller ID. But that only meant my heart had further to crash back down. It’ll get easier, I reminded myself for the hundredth time, and I answered the phone.

I’d never seen Bradley like this. He looked like he’d lost ten pounds overnight, and his face was seamed with worry.

“It isn’t just you,” I told him. “Alex doesn’t want to see anyone.”

“I just wish I could make her understand,” Bradley said. He sank down onto the couch beside me. “The way I feel about her has nothing to do with how she looks. Why can’t she understand that?”

“I know,” I said. “I’m going to talk to her. I’ve been worried about upsetting her even more, but this has gone on long enough.”

“Thanks,” Bradley said. He sighed and turned to me and seemed to truly focus on me for the first time since I’d been there. “God, is it weird that I called you? I just didn’t know who else to talk to.” He swallowed and looked away. “And I know we never finished talking—”

“Bradley.” I cut him off firmly. “There isn’t anything to talk about. Everything’s fine.”

“You mean it?” His face grew hopeful. Bradley hated to see anyone hurt, I remembered. It was one of the things I’d loved about him.

“Of course,” I said. “Look, I was kind of confused when I moved back home and switched jobs and everything got muddled. You’re right; we’re much better off as friends.”

Alex was right; I’d become a really good liar.

Bradley let out a breath. “I’m so glad,” he said. “
Good
friends.” He reached over and hugged me. He still hugged the same way; tightly, and with both arms. I’d always loved the way he hugged, too. When would I stop counting the things about him I loved? I blinked hard and pushed away the thought.

“Alex is going to need you,” I said briskly, pulling back. Pulling away from him. If he kept his arms around me for another second, I’d burst into tears. I clenched my hands behind my back, where Bradley couldn’t see, and dug my nails into my palms.

“I’m going to talk to her,” I promised. “I’ll do everything I can. And if she still won’t see you . . . then we’ll figure something out. I promise.”

Bradley nodded, and I saw tears glistening in his eyes.

“Thank you,” he said. In his face I could see gratitude and something more. Maybe even love. Just not the kind of love I’d wished for so desperately.

But it would have to be enough. I’d forget about the longing I’d felt when his arms had closed around me and I’d inhaled his faintly woodsy smell and had to force away the sob welling up in my throat. He’d chosen my sister. This would have to be enough.

Twenty-nine