The Optician's Wife (17 page)

It dawned on me that from now on I would be a single mother. The realisation hit me hard. Three kids, a husband in prison for murder, no close family around. It wasn’t looking good.

Flopping down on to the bed I’d shared with Larry for years I inhaled. His scent lingered on his pillow and I felt close to him there. I wondered how he was coping. I needed to be strong for him.

Shaking myself free from self-pity, I dropped my towel and got dressed. I knew we were sitting on some money and an idea started to brew. If we could get a good solicitor, then maybe Larry would be OK. After all, he only did what any man would do to someone who had hurt his wife. It was almost self-defence. As long as the focus remained on the fact that Mark had raped me, then maybe Larry could get off. It seemed feasible.

I went downstairs and removed my mobile phone from it’s charger. My hair was still dripping wet. Flicking through my address book I found Carol Winter-Bottom’s number and pressed dial.

‘You’ve reached the voicemail of Carol Winter-Bottom. Please leave me a message with your phone number and I’ll call you back. Thank you.’

Damn. I hung up. I didn’t want to leave a message.

My stomach started rumbling so I made myself a couple of fried eggs on toast. It was so much nicer than the food down at the station. When I’d finished I put my plate into the sink and stood watching the forensics people come and go. They carried bags of evidence back and forwards, via the side entrance, to their van that was parked out on the street and I wondered what it was they were collecting. Bones? I decided not to think about it any longer. The kids would be home soon and it was important I showed them I was together. It wasn’t only the kids that were going to probe me. Before too long I knew more press would show up. Vultures always hovered around whenever there was the scent of death in the air. It was only a matter of time before more came out of the woodwork.

In that moment I realised I was so angry and full of hate that I hardly recognise myself. What was happening to me?

‘I just wish he wasn’t so angry all of the time.’ Dawn sipped her tea and cradled her daughter with her free arm. The little girl was nearly two years old. She had changed so much and was growing so fast that I barely recognised her.

Since becoming a mother Dawn suddenly had found the desire to spend time with me. Perhaps it was just that she wanted the company of another woman who understood how challenging parenthood could be. Since Daisy was born she would drop in for a natter every couple of weeks.

‘He shouts all the time. I can’t bear it. Even when Daisy is asleep. It’s like he doesn’t care.’

I watched my younger sister anxiously twiddling a lock of her long hair between her fingers and I found myself enjoying her unhappiness.

‘He’s probably just stressed with work or something.’ I tried to play it down. Dawn was prone to overreaction.

‘It’s not that. Things are getting worse and worse between us. I feel like I’m losing him.’ Her pretty eyes filled with tears. ‘I don’t know what to do.’

‘Talk to him.’

‘He doesn’t want to talk and if I ever suggest it he just tells me that I wouldn’t understand.’ Daisy, who had woken from a nap, was sucking her little fingers. ‘It’s all since Mark disappeared.’

‘Strange business.’ I shifted in my seat. ‘How long ago was that?’

‘Nearly two years.’

‘And no one has ever heard from him since?’

‘No.’ She looked miserable. ‘That’s half the problem. They were thick as thieves, those brothers. Ian has never been the same since Mark vanished.’

I munched thoughtfully on a digestive biscuit but said nothing.

‘Sometimes I’m scared of him. He gets this look in his eye and I think he’s going to hurt me.’

‘Dawn,’ I moved closer to her and put my hand on her shoulder, ‘has he ever done anything?’

‘No, no. But it’s as if he wants to. I don’t know I’m probably being silly.’ She did her best to convince herself but it wasn’t working on me.

‘You know, if he ever lays a finger on you then you pack a bag and you come here with Daisy. Larry and I will take care of you both.’

Dawn gave a small grateful smile and tipped her head to one side slightly, looking at me strangely.

‘You’ve changed,’ she said, thinking out loud.

‘What do you mean?’

‘You’re so different from how you used to be before you met Larry and had the kids. I hardly recognise you sometimes.’ I looked down at my expanding baby bump and rubbed my tummy.

‘I’ve grown up, that’s all.’

‘No,’ Dawn cut in sounding very serious, ‘it’s more than that. You used to be so shy, so awkward and now you’re sitting here giving me relationship advice. I would never have believed this day would come.’

Her back handed compliment felt like a slap to the face.

‘I finally worked out who I am. I’m happier now.’

‘And so much more confident.’ Dawn sat Daisy upright on her lap and handed her a biscuit. ‘It’s funny how things change. A few years ago I was the popular one. Now I spend all my time being a housewife and trying not to piss off my husband. It’s like I’m walking on eggshells. That’s how you used to be. It’s as if we’ve swapped lives.’

‘In those days you didn’t really want to talk to me. You thought I was an embarrassment.’ I looked across at her, dead in the eye.

‘We were just so different. We didn’t have much in common then.’ Dawn did her best to sweep the past under the carpet but I hadn’t forgotten.

‘And now we are even?’

‘Yes. I suppose.’ Dawn was not comfortable admitting it.

‘Well, getting back to you and Ian, if I were you I’d go out and buy some nice underwear. When I want to help Larry relax that’s what I do. It works every time. Get a babysitter to have Daisy for the night and look after your man. You’ll see, I bet things will improve after a bit of bump and grind.’

‘Deborah!’ Dawn looked horrified.

‘What? You don’t think the stork delivered my kids do you?’ I couldn’t believe she was being such a prude. Out of the two of us she was always the slutty one. ‘Men are simple creatures. Learn how to stroke them right and your life will be a piece of cake.’

‘I tell you that I’m worried Ian is going to batter me and your answer is what, a blow-job?’

‘Why not? Give it a go at least. Unless you want to give up on your marriage before it’s even begun.’

There was silence between us for a while and I could see that Dawn was angry. In the background Roxette played on the radio.

‘I don’t think you understand how much the family were affected. When Mark disappeared it upset everyone really badly. Ian’s mother is a wreck. She doesn’t know where her son is or why he left without saying a word. Every day she thinks about him, wondering where he is and if he’s all right. It’s the same for Ian, except it’s worse because he has her to worry about, too. It’s like time stopped when he went and now all the people left behind are stuck in limbo. It’s not right anyone should have to live with not knowing what happened to a loved one. Imagine if Dad just disappeared one day.’

‘If only.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘We wouldn’t be that lucky.’

‘That’s exactly what I was talking about earlier.’ Dawn got up and held Daisy against her shoulder and looked at me with disappointment. ‘You’ve changed.’

‘Why don’t you get down off your high horse.’ I stood up and shoved my face closer to Dawn’s. ‘You think you’re the only one with problems?’

‘Oh yeah, sure. You’re really struggling. You have the perfect husband, two lovely kids and one on the way. You’re secure in this house and you don’t want for anything. Don’t try and tell me you’ve got it hard.’ Dawn picked up her handbag and prepared to march out. ‘I came here for some sympathy and this is what I get.’ Her cheeks were flushed.

‘Sit down, you silly cow.’ I backed away putting space between us in an attempt to defuse the situation. ‘I’m sorry. OK?’

Dawn stood looking at the door deciding whether to walk through it or not.

‘I’m sorry. Come on, have another biscuit.’ I held out the packet of digestives as a peace offering and watched as a small smile crept on to her face. I really didn’t want her to leave.

‘Go on then.’ Dawn dropped her bag to the floor and sat back down. ‘You know I’m a sucker for a biscuit.’

I went into hospital in the early morning of May 14
^th
and by lunchtime had given birth to a baby boy. Owen Miller was born by emergency caesarean section. I was hospitalised for over a week. The complications of the operation left me with a damaged womb. The junior obstetrician who performed the surgery later told me that I would never be able to have a child again.

Although I was not that upset by the news I understood what it meant to Larry. He was devastated. Secretly, I was strangely relieved. I hadn’t bonded with my other children very easily and didn’t imagine that changing in the future. It was a twisted blessing. But that’s not how Larry saw it. He was livid. He blamed the doctor in charge and talked about suing the hospital.

Although I wasn’t upset by the news I was infertile I was angry that the operation led to me being hospitalised and severely unwell for over a week. I should have been at home with my newborn and my older kids. Not stuck in a hospital bed suffering from fevers and bleeding from my uterus.

By the time I was released and able to return home I felt awful. I’d been unable to breastfeed Owen. I was too weak. The nurses had taken over his care and did everything for him. When I took him home I felt as if I was holding a stranger. He didn’t feel like my baby.

I still needed bed rest and thankfully Dawn was there to help. She came every day and looked after the children and the house. I think she liked having an excuse to get away from Ian. The irony of it all was that the house was in a far better state than it would have been if I’d been running it. The kids had clean, ironed clothes and the kitchen was spotless. She even managed to cook for us all, as well as keeping an eye on Daisy and nursing me. She was superwoman and I hated her for it. It only added to my feeling of being unworthy and to make matters worse, my kids loved her. Sue-Ann and Robbie loved their Aunt Dawn far more than they had ever loved me.

Lying in bed that evening after Dawn had put the kids to bed and gone home, I waited for Larry to come up to bed. He had been in a foul mood ever since Owen was born. I knew it wasn’t directed at me but I felt as if I had disappointed him. I needed to get better and show him that our life could still be good.
EastEnders
was just coming to an end when he came into our bedroom. He’d kindly arranged for a television to be delivered so that I had something to do while I lay in bed. As the bedroom door opened I turned the volume down and propped myself up. I still felt sore. Owen was asleep in a little Moses basket next to me. He was a good baby and so much easier than the previous two. Still I struggled to feel close to him.

‘How was work?’ Suddenly I was aware that I looked a mess.

‘Fine.’ Larry started to unbutton his shirt but didn’t look at me. I had never felt so distant from him.

‘Owen is doing well.’ My enthusiasm was strained.

‘Good.’ I was growing frustrated by his monosyllabic answers.

‘Maybe we could take the caravan to Norfolk soon. The weather is nice at the moment.’

‘If you want.’ He threw his shirt and trousers over the back of a chair and sat down on the bed to remove his grey socks.

‘Come on,’ I started rub his shoulders, ‘things are not that bad.’

‘That fucking bitch.’ He shrugged himself free. ‘How can you be OK with this?’ I knew he was referring to the doctor who had operated on me.

‘Mistakes happen.’

‘She’s taken away my chance to be a father.’

‘Now that’s not true. You have three kids Larry. Some people can’t ever have any.’

‘But I wanted more.’ He sounded like a petulant child.

‘Be thankful for what you’ve got, that’s what my mum used to say.’ I needed her words of wisdom to get me through.

‘But she’s dead, Dee. I doubt she feels that bloody thankful.’ His words were delivered like a punch to the face.

‘Don’t speak to me like that.’ I swung my legs out of bed and stood up. ‘What’s the matter with you?’ I was tired of trying to make him feel better. Nothing I did was working. ‘I’m going to sleep on the sofa. I don’t need this shit from you.’ Slipping my feet into my old battered slippers I made my way towards the bedroom door.

‘What about Owen?’ Larry sat on the bed in his underpants looking sheepish.

‘You fucking deal with him.’ I pulled the door closed loudly behind me and made my way gingerly down the stair. My stiches still throbbed when I walked.

In the darkness I made my way into the lounge. The house was quiet since all three children were sleeping. Carefully lowering myself on to the couch I sat in the blackness thinking about what to do. I couldn’t stand any more of Larry’s self-pity. It was my body that had suffered the injustice but all he could focus on was his own pain.

Sitting there for a while I contemplated getting up and looking for a book to read. I wanted to escape into something nice and cosy. But the effort of getting up and searching was too much so I stayed put looking at the moonlight filtering through the net curtain on to the wooden floor. Looking around the room but not really taking it in I suddenly noticed how different it looked. The furniture had been reorganised. On the floor in the far right hand side beneath some shelves were three plastic boxes that hadn’t been there before. Squinting in the darkness I could see they contained all the children’s toys. I was used to finding building blocks and doll’s accessories all over the place. Dawn had worked her magic and in doing so had only added to me feeling useless.

I wish before I’d walked out of our bedroom I’d remembered to get a blanket. It wasn’t that warm in the house and I didn’t like the idea of sleeping on the couch without a cover but I was not prepared to back down. Larry was being unreasonable. It was as simple as that.