The Orchid House (30 page)

‘You had no choice, Kit, surely? For Milla’s sake and yours.’

‘That was certainly what the professionals told me, yes,’ agreed Kit. ‘And that was the last good moment, really, when she came out of the rehab centre. We had three glorious months when I got my Milla back. She even talked of returning to drama school and I looked in to restarting my medical studies in London.’ Kit shrugged. ‘It was normal, and wonderful because of it.’

‘But it didn’t last?’

‘No.’ Kit shook his head wistfully. ‘By then I knew the signs: the mania, the purple shadows under her eyes, the weight loss … I may have given up my university course, but by this time I had a PhD in Milla and addiction. Milla denied it, but I knew she was using again. So, I carried out my threat, hoping it might jolt her into realisation. God, Julia, it was dreadful. She screamed and cried, begged me not to go, said she’d kill herself if I left …’ Kit put his head in his hands. ‘It was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do. I loved her so very much, but I knew nothing would change if I didn’t leave her and, by this point, I knew I was being dragged down with her.’

Julia instinctively reached out a hand to comfort him. ‘Kit, I can’t imagine …’ she whispered. ‘Did it help?’

‘No! Of course it didn’t.’ He gave a short, despairing laugh. ‘I stayed away for a week, literally having to stop myself going to her twenty times a day, then went back to find the flat deserted. I alerted the police, of course. And, eventually, two weeks later, they found her in the squat of a renowned dealer. She was dead.’

‘I’m so sorry, Kit,’ Julia whispered, finding the words as useless as when the phrase had been repeatedly said to her.

‘Yup, well … so was I.’ He raised his head from his hands. ‘She’d said she’d kill herself if I left her and, in essence, that’s what she did. The autopsy showed she died of a massive overdose, but there was worse: it also showed she’d been raped repeatedly before she died. She’d obviously turned to prostitution to get her fix. I’d seen bruises in strange places on her body before, which I’d tried to ignore, but I had to accept she’d probably slept with men for money when she was with me.’

As Kit paused and stared into the fire, she could see in his eyes he was reliving the pain.

‘I – oh, Kit, I don’t know what to say,’ she whispered.

‘As you know so well, Julia, it’s always best to say nothing, because there’s nothing to say. After that – well, I lost the plot. I felt so bloody guilty for leaving her, so angry she’d wasted her life and, actually, most of all, bitter she had chosen heroin and subsequent death over me. I simply lost my faith in human nature. All that stuff about “doing the right thing”, that “love will win through” … well, it hadn’t worked. There was no “happy ending”, just the dead, broken body of a young woman and the wreck of a man still alive.’ Kit smiled bitterly.

‘You mean, you had to accept you had no control? That sometimes it doesn’t matter what you do, how much effort and love you pour into life, it makes no difference to the outcome? That’s what I’ve learnt in the past few months, anyway,’ Julia said quietly.

‘Yes, that’s about the size of it,’ Kit agreed. ‘And it’s taken me years to learn the flip-side; that sometimes it
does
make a difference and one mustn’t lose belief
.
Of course, in the long run, these tragedies do make you wiser, more accepting of the frailty of human nature. But, my God, it took me a long time. I suppose I had a breakdown of sorts, afterwards.’

‘Is that where Annie came in?’

‘Yes. She was amazing. When she heard, she zoomed down to London and carted me back to Edinburgh, where she proceeded to give me the kind of TLC one reads about in books. She explained over and over again that Milla had always been fragile mentally, that there was nothing more I could have done, how I’d loved her and cared for her, and that I mustn’t feel responsible for what happened to her. I, of course, ignored her,’ Kit chuckled, ‘and carried on down the road to destruction and self-inflicted isolation. Let me promise you, Julia,’ he looked her straight in the eye, ‘you have nothing on me. I wallowed in self-indulgence. For years, actually. I was so angry!’

‘Hardly self-indulgence, Kit. You’d been through hell. So, how did the anger stop?’

‘I had what I suppose one would call an epiphany a couple of years ago. On my travels, I did a three-month stint teaching English to a camp of orphaned Burmese children on the Thai border,’ Kit explained. ‘Even though I’d seen some pretty horrific things before, this particular scenario really got to me. Most of the kids had simply the clothes they stood up in. Their parents were gone, shot in Burma or escaped into the Thai countryside, desperate to find work. These kids were stranded in no-man’s land. They weren’t in a place of safety – the Thai government refused to let them in, but they’d face death if they went home. There was literally no future for them. And yet –’ for the first time, Kit’s eyes glinted with tears – ‘they were all so grateful for the smallest thing you gave them. A new football was like handing over World Cup Final tickets. Each one of them had hopes and dreams for the future, even if they had none. They didn’t give up on life, even if life had given up on them.’ He wiped his eyes harshly. ‘It’s a cliché, I know, but seeing those kids, who’d suffered the kind of pain in their short lives that I couldn’t even begin to imagine, yet still arriving each morning with smiles on their faces and anticipation for the day ahead … it gave me the kick up the backside I needed. To put it bluntly,’ he added, ‘I realised I was a self-indulgent shit, who’d wasted the past ten years feeling sorry for myself. If these kids could look to the future
and
, more importantly, still trust in the goodness of human nature, then surely, with the advantages I’d been given, so could I?’

They sat in silence, deep in their own thoughts.

‘When I was little,’ Julia eventually cleared her throat and spoke, ‘my mother told me about the “Glad Game” in a book called
Pollyanna
. You have to think of what you have, not what you don’t. It’s trite and simplistic, I know, but it’s true.’

‘Yes, it is. That’s exactly how those Burmese kids looked at life.’ Kit smiled suddenly. ‘Blimey, we’re a right pair, aren’t we? Although you’ve had such –’ Kit searched for the words – ‘dignity throughout. Yes,’ he confirmed, ‘dignity. And I’m sorry if my recent actions have added to your distrust of human nature. I swear I’m not what you thought I was. Believe me, I was trying to protect you.’

‘It’s okay, Kit. I do believe you, really,’ said Julia, surprised to find that she did.

‘You see?’ shrugged Kit. ‘There’s the difference between you and me; in the old days, I wouldn’t have been generous enough to even listen to an explanation. I was looking for an excuse to push them away. I promise, I’m different now. Especially with you, Julia.’

‘Don’t be so hard on yourself. You cared for Annie too, when she needed you.’

‘I think I’m improving, yes. At least …’ Kit paused and looked at her, ‘it’s the first time I’ve actually wanted to race round to a woman and explain my actions, before she sailed off into the French sunset.’

‘I appreciate it, Kit.’

‘Are you really leaving, Julia? I don’t want you to. I really don’t,’ he blurted out suddenly.

There was a pause as Julia digested what Kit had just said. She felt suddenly hot and uncomfortable.

‘Don’t, Kit, please don’t,’ she whispered. ‘I … can’t cope.’

‘Mistrust has crept in, hasn’t it? Because of Annie and the baby?’

‘Sorry,’ Julia muttered.

‘Christ!’ Kit stood up and paced about the small room. ‘Bloody typical! The first time since Milla that I actually
feel
for a woman, and look how I’ve managed to mess it up. Sorry,’ he waved an arm at Julia, ‘what did I tell you about my tendency to self-indulgence? Apologies, but look, Julia, I have to tell you this …’ Kit was still pacing, faster now, his words tumbling out. ‘I have to tell you I think I’m in love with you. I knew it when I was looking after you and not resenting it at all. I loved the fact you needed me, after all these years of running in the opposite direction from any woman that did. And it felt – amazing!’

Kit smiled at her then, such an open smile of genuine joy that Julia wanted to react spontaneously and throw herself into his arms. But she stopped herself. Neither of them was a teenager, embarking on their first taste of romance. They were both at least a third of the way through their life’s journey and damaged irreparably by it.

She opened her mouth to speak, but Kit was there first, into his stride.

‘Of course, it was Annie who spotted it, saw the signs, grinned when I talked about you constantly,’ Kit was pacing again, ‘made herself scarce that night you came to supper at Wharton Park. Which, of course, subsequently added to your suspicions, I’m sure … and begged me to come clean about how I felt. I said you weren’t ready, she said you’d cope.’

‘I’m not ready, Kit.’

The words were out of Julia’s mouth before she could stop them. ‘It’s been such a short time since … I thought I was …’ Julia bit her lip, ‘but I’m not.’

Kit looked as if he was physically diminishing in front of her. ‘Right,’ he said eventually. ‘Okay. Well then,’ he cleared his throat, ‘serves me right, I suppose. And that
isn’t
self indulgence, it’s a fact. Shit! Anyway, I’ll leave you be.’

‘I’m sorry. I … just … can’t.’

‘No. I understand. Really, I do.’ Kit dug his hands in his pockets, walked towards the door, then walked back and took a deep breath. ‘What I want to say is that, if –
if
you ever feel in a position to, well, make the leap of faith and take a chance on me again, I promise I’ll be there for you. I really am very good at it. Or, at least, I was once. I’d never hurt you, not intentionally, anyway.’

‘Thank you, Kit.’

‘And the weird thing is,’ Kit stopped at the door, ‘
you
were always there.’

Julia could not look up at him as tears were flooding her eyes.

‘You know where I am,’ said Kit. ‘Try and take care of yourself for me, won’t you? Goodbye, sweetheart.’

The door closed behind him.

30

The following morning, wan and exhausted from a sleepless night, Julia came down the stairs to wait for her taxi. Cradling a mug of coffee, she stared into the now dead, ash-filled fireplace. Her brain was numb, unable to compute what Kit had said to her last night. And the intimacies he had shared …

No.
Julia stopped herself. Perhaps, when she was back in France, she could take the time to work it out and come to terms with the feelings he stirred in her, but not now.

She simply could not allow herself to love again.

Hearing footsteps coming up to the front door, Julia rose and walked towards it, picking up her holdall in anticipation of her taxi waiting outside. In fact it was the postman. Putting down her holdall, she said, ‘Glad I caught you. I’m leaving for France. I’ve redirected the post, what there is of it, mainly bills, usually …’ Her voice tailed off. She didn’t have the energy to make small talk.

‘Right-ho, Miss Forrester, I’ll take any post back to the sorting office and see it gets on its way to France for you.’ He handed her one obvious bill and one cream vellum envelope, addressed to her in a hand Julia didn’t recognise.

‘Thank you.’ She smiled at him weakly.

‘
Bon voyage
, Miss Forrester.’

Julia closed the door and sat down on the sofa whilst she opened the cream envelope.

Heathrow Airport

Monday 16th March

Dear Julia,

In haste!

My name is Annie. We met once a few weeks ago. I’ve heard from Kit what pain you’ve been through. He’s been through pain too. He understands and he will do all he can to mend you, because, for the first time in years, he’s fallen in love. Once he has (and, trust me, it’s rare!) you never need doubt him. I promise, he’s yours!

I’m now off to a new life, mostly because of Kit. He’s been wonderful – there for me when no one else was. He’s a truly good person. Before I left, I wanted to do something for him in return. As you know so well, life is short. We all think too much these days and analyse everything. Forget thoughts, just go with your heart – I have, God help me, and I’ve never felt happier than I do at this moment!

Pain can only be cured by love. I get the feeling you both need that.

Everyone deserves a second chance.

With very best wishes,

Annie

x

Julia heard the knock at the door. She stood up to open it.

‘Hi,’ she said numbly to the taxi driver, ‘be out in a second.’

‘Okay, Madam. I’m up the hill to the left. Bit of a walk, I’m afraid. Parking’s terrible around here.’

‘Thanks.’

Julia did a swift double-check to make sure everything electrical was turned off before taking her holdall and locking up the cottage. She trudged slowly up the hill towards the taxi that would carry her away from Norfolk … and from Kit.

‘There you go, Madam. Let me take that from you.’ The taxi driver held the door open as she climbed inside, then stowed her holdall in the boot. ‘All set?’

‘Yes.’

‘Should do the journey to the airport in a couple of hours, if we’re lucky.’ The driver set off back down the hill, along the narrow road towards the harbour. Julia gazed out of the window, watching the bobbing boats for the last time. The place was deserted, apart from a figure sitting on a bench, staring out to sea.

‘Stop! Sorry, can you just pull over for a second? I – wait here.’

Julia opened the door and walked back towards the figure. As she drew closer, she saw she hadn’t been mistaken. She stopped just short of the bench, knowing he hadn’t seen her.

‘Kit. What are you doing here?’

He turned in surprise and stared at her.

‘Oh. Thought you’d gone. I went up there just now – the cottage was deserted.’

‘I had to walk right up the hill to the taxi. We obviously just missed each other,’ she explained.