The Other Man (The Other Man Series Book 1) (19 page)

Not me.

I had a feeling that song would break me. The way my skin felt like sheet glass, it wouldn’t take much to shatter me.

*You're breaking my heart, Blake. I thought you were my forever. Leave, do what you have to do. I'll wait for you, forever if I have to. You may believe that I don't own the other half of your soul, but you own mine.

I found myself at the fire station.

Don’t ask me how. Don’t ask me why. I couldn’t tell you.

When I left the house, I just knew that I couldn’t go to Zach, and I couldn’t be around people. So I found myself parking outside of the station, and I locked myself in the office.

I hurt
everywhere
. I had never expected that the end would feel so...final.

Realistically, I should have. I should have known how much it would hurt but I was too wrapped up fucking someone new, that I just didn’t, fucking, think. And so I sat in the silence of my office, calling myself every name I could possibly come up with.

I admit it. I’m was selfish bastard, no, a selfish
cunt
and I couldn’t take any of it back. In all the time I’d known her, I’d never seen or
felt
Carlie cry like that. She looked at me like I’d ripped her heart from her chest and stomped all over it.

I did that. I caused that pain. Only me.

I had to find a way to live with that guilt because right then, it was eating me alive.

Countless hours later, the guys had come into work and gone out on their jobs, without ever knowing that I was sat in the office. A knock sounded on my office door. I ignored it. It came again. Sighing, I stood from the desk and pulled open the door. With a sad smile, Zach walked by me.

“How did I know I’d find you here?”

I rubbed my face, “What are you doing here, Zach?”

“Rescuing you.”

“I don’t need rescuing. I need time alone,” I said, meaning it.

Zach shook his head and leaned on the edge of the desk. He crossed one booted foot over the other and crossed his arms, “You need to forgive yourself, Blake.”

He could say it, but it didn’t make it true. He wasn’t there at the end. He didn’t hear her words, he didn’t feel her tears. She wasn’t his wife and he would never, could never, understand. In fact, him being there at all was just making me feel worse.

“Please, Zach. Just give me this. Let me hide, let me do whatever it is that I need to feel. I’m not doubting us and I know that realistically, I’ve done the right thing. I just need to, I don’t know, hurt, for a while I guess.”

“If that’s what you really need, then ok, I’ll go. I’ll just say this. The pain isn’t going to fade overnight, Blake. I’ll be honest, I kept waiting for it to hit you but you seemed fine. Maybe you’re just better at hiding it than I expected but I wish you’d let me there for you. It hurts me to see you like this.”

I exploded, “Fucking hell! This isn’t some romance novel shit, Zach! This is my life and it’s my emotions. I can feel however I want to, for as long as it takes.
You hurt, I hurt
. That’s bullshit. You didn’t just leave your wife. You didn’t hold her all night while she cried in your arms. And you didn’t fucking literally
feel
her give up when you kissed her goodbye.”

His head jerked.

“That’s right. That’s how much of a good fucking person I am. I’m with
you
, and I kissed
her
. Fuck! I’m as bad as those people you see on shit daytime TV programmes!”

“It was an intense situation, Blake. She’s your wife, it’s to expect I guess…”

“Don’t you fucking dare make excuses for me. Yeah, it was intense and yeah, she’s my
ex
-wife, but it doesn’t make it ok. I cheated on her with you, and then I basically do the same the other way around. Who
does
that? I wanted to as well. I didn’t even hesitate. Her mouth was just...right there and I thought about everything we’d ever done together and our wedding and the honeymoon. The way she used to wear her hair, the colour she painted her toenails. Fuck! I thought about her body and the way she used to laugh. I thought about everything in that split second and I didn’t... fucking...
hesitate
to stick my tongue in her mouth.”

“Jesus,” Zach whispered. I winced, realising I hadn’t meant to say that much. “Are you purposely
trying
to hurt me?”

I groaned and rubbed my hand down my face.

“No, of course not. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry I told you that, but I’m even more sorry that it happened. It was the last time though, Zach. I let her go, and she did the same. I think, I think...I think we were saying goodbye?”

“Why do I feel like a fool to believe you?”

I shrugged, “You’re a lot of things, Zach, but a fool isn’t one of them. I swear to you, I promise, never again. You hold the other half of my soul.”

“Right,” his lips twitched. “I held the other half of your soul yesterday too, didn’t stop you kissing someone else. That’s not going to mean you get away with everything. Just giving you prior warning of that.”

I chuckled, rubbed the back of neck and glanced up at him. With a heavy sigh, I moved and leaned next to him on the desk.

“I don’t want to be on my own,” I admitted, watching him smile.

I meant right then, but when I said the words, I realised that I also meant ever. I didn’t want to be without him,
ever
.

“I love you, Zach.”

He didn’t respond with words, he brought his hand up to my face, stroked the backs of his fingers across my jaw and leaned forward. He brushed his lips across mine, then pulled my bottom lip between his teeth. I growled.

“I win,” he whispered. “I loved you before I even met you.”

“I know,” I returned, voice as low as his. “I just needed to catch up.”

Our mouths collided and we moved together in a twisted rhythm of lips and tongue. He stole my breath and gave me his. My hand gripped the back of his head, anchoring him to me. I pulled away, sucking air into my lungs. His eyes didn’t leave mine, his lips were still a whisper away from mine.

And the door opened.

My breath whooshed out and I scrambled away, standing and brushing down the creases in my shirt from Zach’s hands.

“Ian,” I spat. “I thought I told you not to come back here.”

Zach looked between the two of us. Only his eyes moved, like he was frozen in place. His lips were puffy and pink, his eyes were glazed and filled with lust. If I looked anything like he did, my secret wouldn’t be a secret for long.

Hiding his smirk, Ian stayed in the doorway, “I came to apologise for the way I spoke to you when I felt that you needed a break and the way I acted when you returned. I was wrong and I hope you accept my apology as a way of healing burnt bridges. I suppose that’s it really, but I can see that you’re
busy
. Maybe I’ll shall see you around another time. I’ll leave you to get back to your...um...meeting.”

He turned and left without another word, but not before I saw the spoils of victory written all over his face. My legs started to shake uncontrollably. It was bad. Really bad.

“What just happened?” Zach asked, sounding worried.

“Life just happened,” I sighed, “Fuck! He’s going to tell Carlie.
Fuck!
”

Zach stayed silent while I fumed, until he didn’t anymore.

“Um, Blake? Why is that so awful? She was always going to find out eventually.”

“Yes!
Eventually
! Not two days after she receives the divorce papers and
definitely
not before they’re even final. Fuck me, she’s going to take everything from me, then kill me. She’s actually going to kill me.”

“Calm down, he didn’t say anything. Maybe he didn’t see. You don’t know for sure that he’d even say anything anyway,” Zach suggested.

I paced. Then I stopped and hoped. Then I paced some more.

“You don’t get it! I’m addicted to you, Zach.
Addicted
. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt and even though the divorce is happening, I’m so consumed with guilt that I can’t even close my eyes at night without seeing the potential aftermath of every move we make,” I admitted. “I’ve never felt this full.
You
did that. You complete me in a way that I didn’t even know existed. She’ll see that when he tells her. And he
will
tell her. How do you think it’s going to make her feel knowing that the guy
she
wanted for one night, I’m keeping him for a lifetime? Is she not already hurting enough? Will we ever be able to live normally? Or is this shit going to keep popping up again and again every time we get to a good place?”

“God!” He shouted, losing his patience. “You are so dramatic! Of course this stuff is going to come up right now, it’s new! We’re talking about a couple of days here. In a couple of weeks, it’ll stop hitting you so hard and in a year, two, it’ll be a thing of the past. Yes, you have reason to feel guilty, I’m not denying that. I do too. That does
not
mean that you don’t deserve to be happy. So he tells her, it’s not the end of the world. She might call you all the names under the sun and tell her friends what a bastard you are, but she’ll get it out, and she’ll get over it. Just like you will.”

“I wish it was that simple,” I moaned, knowing full well how petulant I sounded.

“It
is
that simple, Blake. What’s done is done. There’s nothing you can do about it. If anything comes of it, you just deal. Same next time, and the time after that, you just deal. Until the time comes when things just stop happening, and then you don’t have to deal anymore. Most importantly, Blake. You are
not
going to have to do it on your own. Lean on me for fuck sake! You don’t always have to carry everything on your own. You’re such a…” he paused. “You’re such a
man!
”

I stopped, stared at him, then I threw my head back and howled with laughter. When I could control it, I sucked in a breath and joked, “We’ve got real problems if you want me to be anything different.”

“Oh yeah,” he raised an eyebrow. “What’s that? You not feeling being the woman in this relationship then, no?”

I cringed, “Don’t even joke about it. I happen to want to keep my cock.”

“Mmmm,” he hummed. “Me too.”

I tilted my head and studied him.

“How do you do that?”

“Do what?” He asked, confused.

“Every time I think the worst has happened, you just,” I clicked my fingers. “And everything is all good again.”

“Seeing as I’m usually directly involved in whatever sends you off on one, I’m going to go ahead and just say, it’s a talent?”

Forgetting that the door was still wide open, I slid between his legs and held his chin in one hand, stroking my thumb back and forth over his stubble. I let my eyes move around his face, trying to figure out how to word what I wanted say. Nipping at his jaw with my teeth, my mouth kissed the lobe of his ear as I leaned in.

“No matter what, Zach. No matter what happens, no matter who does what, no matter if the entire fucking world is against us, I will never regret you. Not even for a second. I might overreact about things and be a miserable bastard at times, but I will never turn away from you. If it had been an hour, day or week, doesn’t matter. You’re the most important thing in the world to me.”

He sucked in a shaky breath, “I’m a man,” he croaked. “And we don’t do this shit, right? But if we were allowed to, I would definitely be bawling like a little girl right now.”

He laughed, “Look at us. We need to go home, crack open a beer, watch some football and bitch about women.”

“In a minute,” I whispered, my tongue sneaking out to lick his ear lobe. I smiled when a shiver ran through his body.

I inched towards his mouth, kissing along his jaw. Someone coughed behind me and I tensed.

“Umm, Bossman?” Matt.

I didn’t move, but my eyes flew to the ceiling, “You have
got
to be fucking kidding me.”

“What’s up, Matt?” I asked, still not moving.

“Did you...um...err...did you know that you have an audience?”

My head whipped around and my hips and feet followed. Half my team, Matt, Marc, Harry and Dave stood just outside the office door. Their looks ranged from confused to downright humoured. I cleared my throat.