The Panty Whisperer: The Complete Series (33 page)

I reach for my phone on the night stand and pick it up. There's a new text so I check it. Bridget. Fucking great. I click on the message and close it just as fast. "Chick is fucking crazy."

I need to find a way to get rid of her, but that can come later. Focusing on Quinn is the only thing that matters right now. I get up and walk around the room and notice shit is missing. Quinn's shit.
Fuck me.

I try to call her. Nothing. Everything is gone.

Call Tommy.

After dialing his number he picks up on the second ring. "Herbert, my bitch! You finally come up from the sea of pussy to take a breath?"

There's water and a loud engine in the background. Tommy sounds like he's getting smacked in the face with hurricane winds.

"Where the fuck are you?" My voice is loud and insistent.

"Jesus Christ. I'm on my way to Alcatraz. If you must know."

Fuck me. He's always wanted to go there. I should've known.

"Sorry for sounding like a prick." I sit down on the bed and scrub my free hand over my face and into my hair. Then I pull. Hard. "I've got a problem."

"Oh you're not doing this to me right now, you dick goblin. What did you do?"

"I'm not sure."

"How do you always fuck up and never know what the problem is? It's bad enough Episode 7 is going to suck Mother Teresa's taint. Now I'm going to miss out on Alcatraz? I planned on doing Connery's voice the whole day while you got your fuck on." He must cover up the phone because it sounds like he's farther away. "What? Watch my language? You gonna kick me out? We are in the motherfucking ocean. Go buy yourself a spray tan and a sense of humor, you pasty old fuck. I've got real problems here."

"Tommy. Focus." I chuckle a little and stand.

"Sorry about that. Someone always gets offended about
crude
language. Oversensitive pricks."

"Quinn is gone." I sigh. The words pummel my chest.

"What do you mean she's gone?"

"I mean she isn't here."

There's rustling and then the line clears. "Like she just went out for a bit? Or like gone, as in, never coming back, gone?"

I open a few empty drawers, praying her clothes are in them. They're not. "The second one. None of her shit is here."

He lets out a long, exasperated sigh. "Oh boy."

I walk over to the window and stare out at downtown San Francisco and the expanse of water behind it. "What are we going to do?"

"Well, she probably went home. Your bitch ass is going to go book us some flights. I'm going to find fucking Carmen Sandiego."

"I just—"

"Stop your goddamn thinking and let me do that. Get your shit together and get us a flight. I'll find out where she is for certain in the meantime. You owe me a blow jibber and a box of Krispy Kremes for this. I'm tired of being the goddamn marriage counselor in this motherfucker."

"Okay."

There is a long pause. I hear him breathing.

"Why aren't you getting us a flight,
Herbert
?"

"I don't know. I was waiting for you to hang up."

"I don't hang up! I wait until the other person does! Everyone knows that. Now hang up, bitch. We are on a schedule."

It gets a chuckle out of me. "Fine!"

I hang up the phone and saunter over to the bed. Opening my browser I start searching for flights and they're all full. "Fuck." I call and try to get us on any combination of flights possible. They're all booked for the holidays.

This cannot be happening.

My phone goes off, and it's the imperial death march. Tommy's picture flashes across the screen and he's holding Jar Jar Binks severed head by the ears, a decapitated body is on the ground below.

"What's up?"

"She's on her way home. You get us a flight?"

Why is she on her way home? What in the fuck could I have possibly done?

"No, they're all booked for the holidays." I wait for it.

"One thing, Sir. You were in charge of one thing!" There is a pause. "Let me make a call. Pack your shit."

About fifteen minutes go by, and I finally end my little pity party on the bed. I walk around the room, shoveling clothes and anything else of mine into my suitcases. It's almost noon and the grumbling in my stomach reminds me I haven't eaten anything.

Every time I think, breathe, take a step—it's like a dagger, ripping up through my guts. My entire life, the one I thought I was happy in, and had all figured out, is flipped upside down and full of regret. I can't figure out how it happened.

Tommy is an awesome wing man, but the person I really need right now, more than anything, is Mom.

It's still like I'm in a torture rack when I think about her, but the vise around my heart eases a little each day. I need her advice, her experience. A simple hug from her always solved any problem I had before, and now I'm in a tailspin that can't right itself no matter how hard I try.

I wheel my bags over and set them by the door. The silent, empty room does nothing to help keep my mind from racing. I comb through every detail, trying to figure out what I missed. At the same time, I hold my phone out, waiting for it to light up, vibrate—do anything.

Finally, Tommy calls and I answer.

"Got your shit packed?" He speaks before I can say anything.

"Yeah, what's up?" The phone vibrates against my ear from my hand constantly shaking.

"I rented us a car. Road trip mother bitch. I'm coming to get you."

"Dude, it's like a five-hour drive." My heart thumps. I guess anything is better than sitting around doing nothing. I'm sold on the idea by the time he responds.

"Well, maybe if you had your life together, we wouldn't need to be doing this goddamn shit."

"No, it's fine. I'm sold. Just hurry." Adrenaline is pumping through my veins now, and I'm pacing around the room.

"Oh, fuck you, mister first class. You ain't riding in this car now."

"I said it was fine, dickhead. Just come get me." My voice is desperate.

"Oh, look at me, I'm Herbert and I don't ride in cars like peasants do. Maybe you can put on a toga and I'll feed you some grapes, Caesar." His deadpan delivery has me wanting to laugh and strangle him simultaneously.

"Stop fucking around. I'm serious. Come get me."

"I've been in the lobby for five minutes, pussy. I'm not waiting much—"

I hang up and grab the bags before he can finish his sentence. When I get to the elevators, I punch the button with my finger like a woodpecker trying to cut down a redwood. The ride down is excruciating, and I may have called the elevator a few choice words like "tortoise cunt" and "fuck snail."

When the doors open, Tommy is standing in the lobby pointing at his watch. "Whenever you're ready, pussy."

I run past him with the bags and he follows out to the car. "Which one is it?"

"The white one."

I look around and the only white car I see is a hatchback that looks like it's built for circus clowns. My bags fall to the ground, and I flip around to see Tommy glaring.

"Say something about the car, Herbert. I dare you to say one goddamn thing, you pompous fuck." His nostrils are flaring and his cheeks are puffed out. It's an act, and we both know it. I play along.

"You got that shit on purpose." I grind my teeth for some effect.

"So what if I did." He holds out a hand and starts counting off all the great things about the car on each finger. "Great fuel economy, great price, and umm—"

"I don't care. Let's just go." I grab my shit and run over to the car, barely missing one of the valet drivers. "Give me the keys."

"No way. This isn't
The Italian Job
. You're not driving this bitch through all these hilly streets, Steve McQueen." He twirls the keys around his index finger and laughs as he walks over to the driver's side.

"Fuck that. You're not driving! Hand them over. We're in a hurry." I shove my suitcases into the tiny trunk area.

"Oh Sir, your name is not on this here paperwork." He holds up a few receipts, grinning his ass off. "Hop in, sweetie."

JOEL

W
E
ARE
TWO
hours into the trip, and I've been staring hate into the side of Tommy's head the entire drive. He has the cruise control set to the speed limit and seems to be enjoying himself far too much for my comfort.

"Keep staring. I can go slower." His lips curl.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm dying over here and you're making jokes. I'm about to get pissed off." The seatbelt locks up and nearly decapitates me before I spring back against the seat. "Fuck!" I yank it around trying to get it to loosen.

"Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you." He brakes subtly and the car starts slowing even more.

"What is your fucking deal, asshole?" Immediately, I regret yelling. Though I still want to rip his head off.

Tommy whips the car over on to the shoulder and slams on the brakes. Once again the seatbelt digs into my chest and then I fly back in the seat. "What the fuck? You fucking maniac!"

"Get out!"

I can see the whites of his knuckles on the steering wheel. He's never yelled at me like this before.

"Just, okay. Look—"

"Get. Out." Tommy's breath is labored, and his face turns red.

He turns the car off and unbuckles his seatbelt, then opens his door and gets out. Not before slamming it so hard I fear he may have busted something in it. I've never seen him like this before.

I unbuckle my own seatbelt slowly as he paces around the car. Veins are bulging in his neck and he rips my door open.

"I said get the fuck out!" He swings his arm out to the side, so that he's pointing to the field on the side of the road.

"Jesus Christ. You're going to leave me on the side of the highway?" I glare back at him. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because it's my job."

I stare at him like he's some kind of strange alien. "What the fuck are you talking about? This is your job? You're not making any sense."

He rolls his eyes and starts slow clapping. "Very good, Herbert. Jesus H Christ, man."

I'm still trying to figure out what he's talking about as I lean up against the car. He still looks like he wants to whip my ass on the side of the road.

"Well, explain. I'm so stupid I obviously don't get it."

I can practically hear his jaw grinding. "Have you thought about Quinn the entire trip?" He takes a step toward me.

I try to think. Actually, I haven't thought about her once.

"Or have you been pissed at me the entire time?"

I shove my hands in my pockets and look down at the ground.

"That's what I thought. You've been pissed off at me. Worried about how fast we're going. Do you know why I'm going slow? Because that girl that you supposedly
love
needs some fucking time to think. And god forbid she get more than just a couple of hours because the goddamned Panty Whisperer isn't getting what he wants at the moment." He takes another step toward me, and his eyes are bloodshot, haunting me as I look up at him. "Oh, you can blow her off for days, and she's just supposed to drop everything for you. When you decide to come around. When you just show up at the airport, and her fucking job, busting into the middle of meetings at her work. No, you're a fucking train wreck right now and I'm tired of watching you fuck it up. Tommy will take it from here. And if it means you being a pissed off little cry baby in the seat next to me, so be it, if it keeps you from being a little clingy ass stalker."

I look at him, knowing he's right, and the anger seems to have faded with his words. I give him a slight shrug. "I didn't stalk her."

A smile tries to fight through his now fake anger. "Yes you did. You stalked that poor girl all stalkily. Stalker Texas Ranger. You could write a short story about it if you want, William Stalkner."

I turn to get in the car as he walks around the front, still staying in character as he points two fingers at his eyes and then points them at me. He opens his door and gets back in the car. Turning the key, he looks over at me.

"Go ahead, I know you have at least one more." I chuckle.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He puts the car in drive and gets back on the highway.

I reach for my phone to check my messages.

"Don't you pull out that goddamn phone." He gives me a side eye. "Fuck around and Joffrey will cut your head off, Ned Stalk."

We both erupt in laughter.

After a few minutes have passed, I glance over to him. "Thanks, man."

"Not a problem, Sir. You just have to give her a little space. Just figure out why she left. And form some kind of plan, if you really want her."

"Well, my way didn't work. So whatever you think. Just feel like I'm missing something. Like it should be obvious."

"I don't know. Her flight should be landing soon. I'm sure she'll call Megan first. We'll find out what's up."