The Paradise Trees (20 page)

And now here was Doug, and her body was responding to him in exactly the same way it had to Martin, but Doug was... boring, too. The realisation was both unexpected and appalling.

The spicy food turned tasteless in Alicia’s mouth and she laid her fork down. They had been together tonight for over an hour and it didn’t matter what they started out talking
about, they always ended up back at St. Joe’s with the old people. Oh, Doug had asked about Jenny, answered the questions she’d asked, but it really seemed as if his job was the only
thing he cared about. It was as if he defined himself by his job. There was no Doug apart from the work Doug. And all at once it just seemed terribly... superficial.

What would happen when, if, she bared her soul and told him about the flashbacks and her fears about what had happened to her young self? Would they still end up talking about some geriatric
experience in Ward Two? Look how he’d responded when she told him she hadn’t got on with her father. He hadn’t even asked why. And what on earth was she supposed to do now?

Alicia took a deep breath and picked up her fork. Okay, try again. Broaden the conversation, give the bloke a chance.

‘This is lovely, isn’t it?’ she said brightly, smiling as well as she could. ‘A perfect night out. Did you go to
A Midsummer Night’s Dream
? I hear it was
great.’

‘Yes, I did. We took a busful of patients from Ward Three, and they enjoyed it, though Derek said they’d enjoyed ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’ last year better. I
suppose Shakespeare isn’t for everyone.’

Alicia felt a sudden desire to laugh, and then pulled herself together. Doug had even dragged St. Joe’s into a conversation about Shakespeare. And now that she was looking out for it,
there wasn’t any substance, any depth in the man that struck an echoing chord in her. Except the sexual attraction. For a few moments there she’d felt lonely, sitting opposite Doug in
the middle of this busy little restaurant. Alone in a crowd. Or was she expecting too much here? Was this just the usual kind of man-woman Mars-Venus kind of thing?

To her relief he didn’t seem to notice anything of the turmoil going on in her head. She chatted determinedly all through the remainder of the meal – the curry ice cream was a real
talking point – and all the way home in the car. He didn’t suggest going to his home, and Alicia decided against inviting him in for coffee. She would have to think hard about what she
should do next. The eagerly-anticipated date had taken an unexpected turn in quite the wrong direction. Doug was good-looking, he was dedicated, he was attracted to her and she to him, but that
wasn’t enough.

‘Thanks for a lovely evening, Doug,’ she said warmly as the car stopped in the driveway. ‘I won’t ask you in, I know you have to be at St. Joe’s early tomorrow
morning.’

‘Yes. School night tonight,’ he said, smiling across the car at her in the darkness, but her heart didn’t beat any faster now. ‘I expect I’ll see you tomorrow on
the ward, then. Goodnight, Alicia. Sleep well.’

She stood in the doorway and waved as he drove off, then let herself in and collapsed on the sofa, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. Fortunately Margaret had gone to bed and Alicia, Conker
and Moritz had the room to themselves. Oh, well, she consoled herself, it was a lovely meal, and you’re not the first woman to think that an attractive, articulate man was automatically
interesting too. Doug was... well, what was he?

He was someone she was attracted to, physically, but wasn’t on the same wavelength as, emotionally. That was it exactly. The physical intimacy would probably be effortless, but she had to
be able to talk to her partner too, share her feelings and know that he would understand what she was saying.

Like Frank last night. He had talked about real, personal issues, he had reacted straightaway to what she said and how she sounded, in fact he always did. Why hadn’t she leapt at the
chance to go out with him? Was she really superficial enough to favour an attractive man over a less good-looking one? Frank was a real, caring friend to her.

Did she care for him, she wondered suddenly. She did, she liked him a lot, he was part of her past, too, but they had never had the opportunity to have a proper personal conversation. They were
either always talking about her father, or flashbacks and abuse, or else Jenny was there too.

And what about him? Did his caring extend to a wish for more than friendship? Was that why he’d been so awkward those couple of times? He was a shy man but he had asked her out, he had
tried to build on their relationship, and she had put him off. What an idiot she was. It had taken a date with Doug to open her eyes to what she already had with Frank.

She leaned back on the sofa and closed her eyes. Frank
was
her friend, he had said that himself yesterday. They could go for a meal next week sometime and have a good talk. And with
Frank she could be sure that they
would
talk.

But in less than an hour it would be Friday, and this time tomorrow Jenny would be fast asleep in bed upstairs, home safe and sound for the weekend. And it was high time she was in bed now
too.

Alicia

‘Have a caramel, Alicia dear,’ said Mrs Mullen, and Alicia accepted in amusement. Mrs Mullen must be single-handedly responsible for at least half of the tooth
decay in Lower Banford. Nobody ever said no to a sweetie.

‘Take one for Jenny, too, she’ll be home today, won’t she?’

Alicia nodded, chewing. Who on earth had supplied that information? The sound of choking behind her made her turn to see Kenneth Taylor spluttering into a large old-fashioned handkerchief.

‘Excuse me,’ he said, stuffing the hanky into his pocket. ‘Frog in my throat. Would Jenny like to come and see the cats later on, Mrs Bryson?’

Alicia made herself reply pleasantly. ‘She won’t be home until late this evening,’ she said. ‘I’m sure she’ll want to come tomorrow, though.’

‘Super. I’m going to be stocktaking over the weekend, but just ring the bell. You and Jenny are always welcome.’

Alicia made her escape. Now to take Margaret to St. Joe’s for the afternoon, then she would have some time to herself.

Half an hour later she was exiting her father’s room having sat for the duty five minutes with him and Margaret. Three o’clock, and now at last she could allow herself to start
counting the minutes until Jen came back – as if she hadn’t been doing that since Paul’s car had disappeared down the lane yesterday afternoon, but the wait was nearly over. A
blessed hour to herself, then she’d pick up Margaret, and by the time they’d had dinner and cleared up, Jen would be heading back home again. A happy thought if ever there was one.

‘Heard from Jenny today?’ Derek was on the computer at the nurses’ station.

‘She phoned earlier,’ said Alicia. ‘Treats all the way, I gather.’

She tried to smile but her face must have told a different story because he left his work and walked towards the ward door with her.

‘She’ll be fine, don’t worry. I’m sure she’s looking forward to coming home and telling you all about her trip, and playing with her cat and dog in the woods too no
doubt. She told us all about that the other day.’

Alicia grinned. The woods were one of the better things about this place. She even had her own happy memories of them.

‘She loves the woods. I’m glad she has such a good distraction so near to home, she’s within yelling distance all the time and God knows there isn’t much else for her to
do in Lower Banford.’

Except of course to visit the pet shop and Mr Taylor. There would be a big discussion about that tomorrow, but Alicia knew she would be so happy to see Jen home again that she would sit in the
pet shop for hours if that was what Jen wanted.

‘Say hi for me when she’s home,’ said Derek, opening the heavy double door for her. ‘I might not see you tomorrow, I’ve got masses of paperwork and at weekends I
can hole up in one of the offices downstairs for that. Ensures some peace and quiet.’

‘I hope you get it, then. Bye.’

She ran downstairs, glad that Doug wasn’t around today. Yesterday she’d have been aching to see him, how quickly things changed. And where the hell was her car key?

She stopped on the ground floor and was rummaging in her bag – she couldn’t have dropped the wretched thing, could she? – when the lift door pinged open and Frank strode out,
almost bumping into her.

‘Alicia! Hi, you okay?’

His face was one big grin at the sight of her and she smiled back. This was her friend Frank and she was bloody glad she had him.

‘Lost my car key,’ she said, giving up on the bag and patting her various pockets. ‘I went up with Margaret, and it’s vanished off the face of the earth... ’

She turned back to the lift, but it had disappeared upstairs. ‘I must have put it down somewhere. Usually I just chuck it into my bag, but it’s definitely not here.’

‘Maybe you left it in the ignition?’ he suggested, and she stared at him. The obvious answer, why hadn’t she thought of that?

‘Yes, of course. It was a pretty narrow space and I jumped out to stop Margaret opening her door too wide and bashing the car beside us. Heavens, my poor car could be halfway to Poland by
this time.’

Frank laughed. ‘Middle Banford to Poland in one afternoon? I don’t think St. Joe’s visitors are the car-trafficking types, somehow.’ He opened the front door and gazed
out over the car park. ‘Yes, look, it’s still there.’

He walked with her to the parking space. Alicia opened the driver’s door, reached in and emerged again, key in hand.

‘Excellent diagnosis, doctor!’ she said. And how obvious it now was that she and Frank could have fun together like this, laughing and being silly over nothing, like up in the woods
the other day.

She grinned across the roof of the car. ‘Got time for a coffee? I bought some chocolate chip cookies this morning.’

For a split second his face froze and then lit up. ‘I’ve never refused a chocolate chip cookie in all my life and I’m not going to start now.’

Alicia laughed. ‘Great. See you at my place in ten.’ And maybe this time they’d be able to have a normal conversation for a change. She sighed to herself as she drove the short
distance back home. There were no butterflies of anticipation fluttering round in her middle at the thought of coffee with Frank, but she definitely wanted him in her life, and probably it was too
soon after the Doug disaster to think about yet another potential relationship. So yes... it was another potential relationship... maybe.

He arrived in the kitchen while she was organising mugs and biscuits. The cookies were still unopened and Alicia looked at them unhappily.

‘Biscuits last longer when Jen’s not around. God, I’ll be glad to have her back tonight.’

‘I bet,’ said Frank. ‘How’s she enjoying her break?’

‘She phoned at lunchtime. I’m going to have to prise that mobile away from her, she just loves having her own phone. She’s having a ball, it was Daddy this, that and the next
thing. But she’s okay.’

‘She’ll be back soon,’ said Frank.

Alicia blinked back tears. She poured the coffee and sat down, sliding the biscuits across to Frank. ‘When I think of how much I love Jen, it makes it even more incomprehensible what my
father did to me.’

‘Have you remembered anything else?’ said Frank.

Alicia was silent for a moment. His voice had been apprehensive; did he really want to go into all this over coffee? She should make an appointment and see someone the usual way, this was
abusing their friendship and she’d actually invited him here to talk more about him for a change. But he was leaning towards her, an encouraging expression on his face, so he must want to
know, mustn’t he?

She sighed. ‘Sort of. I was awake in the night thinking about the two big fights I can remember when I was a teenager,’ she said, cradling her coffee mug in her hands. ‘The
first one I would’ve been twelve, that was the Valentine’s card thing. I only remembered about it when I was back living here. But that time he didn’t hurt me. The second time was
later. I was fourteen, I know that exactly, and it isn’t a new memory. I’ve never forgotten it, it was what made me decide to leave home as soon as I could.’

She looked across at him and smiled ruefully. ‘It was my own fault, I was really stupid.’

‘Alicia, abuse is never the victim’s fault,’ Frank said firmly, and she looked at him without speaking for a moment. She knew that of course, but knowing didn’t make her
feel any different.

‘Yeah, well. I’d told them I was revising geography at Alison’s, but actually I’d gone to the cinema with Patrick Sinclair. They found out and when I got home, Mum was in
the kitchen with the door shut and my father was waiting by the stairs. He pulled me up to my room and pinned me down on the floor and he cut my hair off. I was yelling but Mum didn’t come,
though she must have known what he was going to do... ’

Frank was staring at her. ‘Alicia. That’s terrible. What do you mean exactly, he pinned you down?’

She rubbed her face with both hands. ‘He pushed me down on my front and then he sort of knelt down with one leg across my back. I couldn’t move, it was horrible, I was jerking about
at first and then he nearly cut my ear off so I just had to stay still and let him get on with it. I had long hair, and he cut it off down to an inch of my scalp.’

She buried her face in her hands. For a moment Frank said nothing, she could hear him breathing hard, then he gripped her wrists so suddenly that she jumped.

‘Okay. Listen. One thing that strikes me about these memories and flashbacks is that none of them are sexual abuse. Your father was sadistic, yes, cruel, definitely, and his treatment of
you was damaging, there’s no doubt about that. But sexual abuse is usually continued until the victim’s able to remove herself, or is rescued. None of the abuse you do remember is
actually sexual, so you can probably discount it... but Alicia, you might never know for sure. The important thing is you survived.’

His voice trailed off, and Alicia sat back in the hard kitchen chair and looked at him. What he’d said sounded logical, it sounded right.