The Pleasure Series: Complete Box Set (75 page)

We fuck
.

I was still staring at him, trying to wrap my head around two words that I'd heard before, but never imagine used in the context of Zeke and myself. Him telling me to go fuck myself, yes. Him wanting to fuck me, not so much. In fact, not at all.

“Are you stoned?” I asked when I found my voice. “Or maybe drunk?”

“It's the best way to convince him to move on. I tell him I came over here and you seduced me.”

“And you don't think he'll be a little annoyed that, when you found me, you slept with me rather than telling him where I was?” I still wasn't entirely sure I was comprehending what he was saying. I had to have misunderstood.

“He won't be pissed at me, if that's what you're thinking,” he said. After a moment's pause, he added, “Or, at least not as much as he'll be pissed at you.”

I narrowed my eyes, studying his face. I could read people pretty well and I was usually very good at figuring out what people wanted. I might've found it difficult to trust people with good intentions, especially when they were directed towards me, but when it came to sex, I was rarely wrong about what someone wanted. I'd seen lust for me displayed in all sorts of different ways. Denied. Overt. Hidden behind other things.

I'd gotten absolutely none of that from Zeke. I'd felt jealousy coming off of him in waves. Rage. Hatred. All sorts of passionate emotions. But I'd never sensed any sort of lust directed at me. His negative emotions had never seemed to hide desire. Or at least that's what I'd thought until he'd just propositioned me. As I looked again, however, I knew my first impressions had been right.

Zeke didn't want me.

Which meant he genuinely believed that the best way to make sure Rylan didn't continue looking for me was for the two of us to sleep together.

The worst part of it was, I was pretty sure he was right. I'd tried to convince myself that Rylan would move on because there was no way he felt as strongly for me as I did for him. That he'd forget about me soon enough. The thing was, even if he did fall out of love with me, I did know Rylan, despite what Zeke had said. He was a man of honor, a man who wanted to protect people. Protect me. It didn't matter that I'd left. He'd come for me because he'd want to make sure I was okay. He knew me and knew that I wasn't the woman Zeke and his family thought I was.

Unless I did something so horrible that it violated his trust and proved that I was, indeed, that other girl. I'd told him I was broken, but I had to show him.

But there was no way in this life I was going to have sex with Zeke Wesson.

“Um, no.” I shook my head.

“No?”

“I'm not sleeping with you.”

A flash of what I thought was relief crossed his face, then disappeared. “Well, then I think you should leave. Move away. And make sure he knows you've left the state, so he stops looking for you.”

“I might,” I said. “But I haven't decided yet. There are other factors I have to consider. What about you?”

“Me?”

“Why don't you just tell him that you caught me having sex with someone else?” I hated the thought of him telling Rylan that, but if it meant Rylan got to live the life he deserved, it would be worth it.

“Because he'd never believe me,” Zeke said. “He'd say I was lying because I didn't want the two of you together.”

“No.” I shook my head. “He'd know that you were trying to make him angry at me and stop looking, but he'd think it was because you didn't want him hurting. He doesn't know how you feel about me.”

He couldn't hide his surprise.

“Come on, Zeke. It's just the two of us. No reason to pretend that you haven't been hiding your real feelings from Rylan.”

“My real feelings?” His eyes narrowed.

I rolled my eyes. “Skip past all the shit and just tell me what you're thinking. If Rylan won't believe that you found me with someone else, what's your bright idea now since there's no way we're having sex?”

“I tell him we did,” he said.

“What makes you think he'll believe that if he wouldn't believe the other?”

Zeke gave me a wry grin that actually didn't have his usual anger in it. I could almost see what Rylan saw in him. Almost. There was still something a little wild in his eyes. “Because you're going to give me some information that only someone who slept with you would know.”

I balked at the idea of having to share intimate details of my sex life with Zeke, but after a moment, I realized that wasn't what he meant. He didn't want to hear about my likes and dislikes. He just needed something that would convince Rylan that I'd been naked.

“And you're willing to risk your friendship with Rylan like this?” I asked.

Zeke's expression hardened. “If it means he moves on and stops mooning over you, I'll do it, and damn the consequences to me.”

I almost frowned, trying to figure out what exactly was going on with him, but I pushed it aside. He wasn't my concern. Even though I wasn't with Rylan anymore, wasn't planning on being with him again, he was still my concern, and I would do whatever it took to make sure he got the life he wanted.

“All right,” I said. I didn't let myself think too deeply about what I was doing. That would be for later, when I was alone and could curl up in bed and cry.

“All right?” Zeke asked.

He sounded like he didn't quite believe me and I realized that he'd thought I was going to come up with an excuse. He still didn't believe that I wasn't going to try to get Rylan back.

“I have a scar,” I said. I put my hand on my side, over where the scar was. “It's a burn from when I was a kid. Hot grease.”

Zeke nodded. “Unlikely I would've seen it before, but he might not take just that. You could be in a bra and I'd see it.”

He was right.

“Do you...shave?” His eyes flicked down and then back up again, his ears turning red.

I could feel the heat rising to my face and I wanted to slap him, but I could see the embarrassment in his expression. He wasn't asking to hurt me or anything like that, which I supposed was something in itself. He genuinely thought he needed to know.

“Not completely.” I forced myself to answer. It wasn't the first time I'd had to talk to someone about things like that, and if it would help Rylan, I'd bear it. “Trimmed, but not shaved.” I tucked some hair behind my ear. “And this is my natural color.”

He nodded. “I'm hoping it wouldn't come to that question, but I don't think the scar will be enough.”

“I have a tattoo,” I said. “Here, on my right hipbone. It's a lily. It's not like my scars or other tattoos that you could've seen depending on what I was wearing. The lily barely shows when I wear lingerie.”

Zeke's ears were bright red now and I felt slightly smug. He wanted to act all cool and in control, but this wasn't like before, when he'd had me in places where I wasn't comfortable. I could handle talking about my body and sex like this.

“That should do it,” he said. He met my eyes only for a second and then looked away. “You really mean it, don't you? You're not going back to him?”

“No.” My already broken heart shattered even more with the admission. “If you don't mind, I think I'd like to be alone now.”

He nodded without a caustic remark, which surprised me, but I didn't say anything. If he was going to be preoccupied with what he planned to say to Rylan, that was fine with me. He walked out, not saying anything else. I counted to ten after the door closed and let go of everything I was holding together.

I crumbled to the floor as a sob escaped. I pressed my hand to my mouth, afraid that if I made any loud sound, I would scream and not stop screaming. The last thing I needed was someone to think I was being hurt and send someone busting in here. I was hurting, but not because of anyone else. It was me. All my fault. And there was nothing the cops or a hospital could do about it.

I squeezed my eyes closed as I drew my knees up to my chest. I pressed my face against my knees to muffle my sobs and tried not to think about what would happen when Zeke got back to Rylan.

As much as I'd told myself that Rylan didn't care that much, I knew better. He was hurting now, but he still believed in me. The lie would crush him, and that hurt me more than I could say. Almost more than I could bear.

I could see it all. The way his face would fall. The pain in his eyes. How Zeke would apologize over and over again. Rylan would forgive him, of course, because he wouldn't want to lose me and Zeke in the same day. They'd go out to some strip club or something. Get Rylan a lap dance...

I lay on the floor, images flashing through my mind as I cried, one after another, each worse than the last. I hadn't planned on going back to Rylan, but I'd always thought I'd at least leave him with decent memories. He'd be hurt, but believe that I was just scared. Now, all of that was gone.

I was alone and I knew I'd stay that way. The future held nothing for me.

Chapter 9

Monday was definitely not my best day or night, but I did eventually manage to pull myself together enough to get off the floor, shower and get into bed. I slept late on Tuesday, but I at least didn't stay in bed after I woke up. I got up and made myself eat something. Then I made the call.

Agent Matthews didn't really seemed surprised to hear from me and I wondered if he'd already known I wasn't working at Archer Enterprises anymore. He was FBI, so I wouldn't have exactly put it past him to have checked up on my current employment. Since he didn't mention it, however, I wasn't going to press the issue. I didn't want to talk about it, especially my reasons for leaving.

“My bosses said they were fine with you working freelance for a bit to see how you fit in,” he said. “You'll need to come by for your company computer and passwords, but billing and things like that can be done online.”

I almost asked him why bother with a company computer or passwords since I could get into the servers with relatively little difficulty, but I figured it probably wasn't the best time to point out flaws in FBI security. Or remind him that I could get into it anytime I wanted. While I wished I could've just stayed at Archer Enterprises, I knew that was a dream and this was a real. A solid job, with a paycheck and benefits. And I'd be helping people, kids like me.

“Can I come in tomorrow?” I asked. “I'd like to get started as soon as possible.”

“You'll have to come to Denver,” he said. “I won't be back to Fort Collins until next week. Things are still in flux with Christophe's case and my boss wants me starting on some paperwork.” He paused, and then added, to my surprise, “Plus my kid's got a ballet recital on Friday.”

“Married?” I hadn't seen a wedding ring, but that didn't always matter.

“Divorced.” He didn't sound bitter about it. “Two kids. Seven and twelve. A boy and a girl. I'm away a lot, so when I can get to one of Abby's soccer matches or one of Steven's recitals, I do my best.”

My estimation of Agent Matthews went up again. Not many men, especially men in an occupation like his, would even admit to his son being involved in ballet, much less say it without a hint of apology or embarrassment. I could excuse the gruff exterior if it covered a good heart, and his obviously did.

“I can come to Denver,” I said. “Mid-morning okay?”

“That'd be great. It'll give me enough time to get your things together, including your first assignment.”

My stomach flipped and I regretted having eaten my meager breakfast.

“We want you to take a look at our imaging software,” he said. “We try to use it to focus on specific images and find everything we can, one child at a time. You can imagine how time consuming that is.”

I could. “You want me to improve it?”

“As much as possible,” he said. “For the last couple years, we've been trying to find ways to not only arrest the perpetrators and rescue the kids, but to also start cleaning up the mess online.” His voice softened. “I know you understand, better than anyone, what it's like knowing this shit's out there.”

“I do,” I said softly.

“You'd mentioned doing some damage to the online videos made of you,” he said. “That's the kind of thing we're looking for. That's why we need someone like you. We're struggling to keep up with technology, but we're losing.”

“I'll see what I can do to level the playing field,” I said.

For the first time since I'd left Rylan, I felt a purely positive emotion. Even if this was all the work I did for the FBI – being able to improve their software and give them the means to hit these perverts, hard – I'd be making a difference. I'd be giving others hope that what they went through wasn't going to be some easy thing to find online, that their pain and humiliation meant something and we were going to do our best to erase as much of it as we could.

I spent the rest of the day writing out my old virus program as well as my image search program. Even though I had them on my laptop, I wanted to see them in a different way. Sometimes, for me, having them spread out on a table or floor allowed me to see things in a different light. I knew both of them worked, but they would need to be tweaked if they'd fit into the parameters of what the FBI could use.

By evening, I was satisfied that I had a pretty good idea of what to do, and I'd decided that I needed to go back to my apartment. I was sure Zeke'd had enough time to tell Rylan what we'd supposedly done, and for Rylan to accept it. That meant my apartment was safe. Relatively speaking, anyway. Christophe was still out there, but I did have a restraining order in place. And new locks. Besides, I couldn't live in fear of every nutcase who'd seen my movies. Sleep was going to be hard enough once I settled back into a routine.

The next morning, I checked out, took a cab back to my apartment and left a note for the landlord, saying I'd be staying a bit longer. I still wasn't sure if I wanted to renew my lease, but by the time I had to make that decision, I'd most likely know if I wanted to move to Denver or DC to work with the FBI.

The bus ride from Fort Collins to Denver wasn't exactly fun, especially in the lovely winter weather we were currently experiencing, but I reminded myself that it was better than having to drive myself in this shit. I knew how to drive, of course, but that had pretty much all been done in Florida. While I knew, in theory, how to drive in the snow, I wasn't looking forward to putting it into practice.