The Pregnancy Secret (Harlequin Romance Large Print) (8 page)

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

P
ERHAPS
, K
ADE
THOUGHT
, he was not the man he had wished to be or hoped to be, but still, he was better than he had been. Because of her, and because of the love they had shared.

Was there a way to honor that before they said goodbye? What if tomorrow, Sunday, he wasn’t going to go to work after all?

Kade could tell something had shifted. Her head fell against his chest heavily, and he heard her breathing change.

And he knew he should get up and move, but there was something about this moment, this unexpected gift of his wife trusting him and being with him, that felt like one of those best moments ever, a moment just like sitting on the front step with her watching thunderstorms.

And so he accepted that he was reluctant to leave it. And eventually he fell asleep, sitting up, with Jessica’s sweet weight nestled into him and the feel of the silk of her hair beneath his fingers.

* * *

Jessica woke to the most luxurious feeling of having slept well. The sun was spilling in her bedroom window. When she sat up and stretched, she saw that through the enormous windows of the bedroom, she had a view of the river and people jogging down the paths beside it.

Had she dreamed Kade had come into her room and they had talked about thunderstorms? It seemed as if she must have, because things had not been that easy between them for a long, long time.

And yet, when she looked, she was pretty sure the bedding beside her had been crushed from the weight of another person.

Far off in that big apartment, she heard a familiar sound.

Kade was whistling.

She realized she was surprised he was still here in the apartment. She glanced at the bedside clock. It was after nine. Sunday was just another workday for Kade. Usually he was in the office by seven. But not only was he here, he sounded happy.

Like the Kade of old.

There was a light tap on the door, and it swung open. Jessica pulled the covers up around her chin as if she was shy of him.

“I brought you a coffee.”

She
was
shy of him. She realized she had not dreamed last night, because she had a sudden and rather mouthwatering picture of him in his underwear. Thankfully, he was fully dressed now, though he was still off the sexiness scale this morning.

It was obvious that Kade was fresh out of the shower, his dark hair towel roughened, a single beautiful bead of water sliding down his cheek to his jaw. Dressed in jeans, he had a thick white towel looped around his neck, and his chest and feet were deliciously bare.

She could look at that particular sight all day: the deepness of his chest, the chiseled perfection of his muscles, the ridged abs narrowing and disappearing into the waistband of jeans that hung low on slender hips. Her mouth actually went dry looking at him standing there.

He came in and handed her the coffee. It smelled wonderful—though not as wonderful as his fresh-from-the-shower scent—and she reached out for it. Their fingers touched, and the intensity sizzled in the air between them.

She knew that no part of last night had been a dream. He had slipped onto the bed beside her, and they had talked of thunderstorms, and she had fallen asleep with his big shoulder under her head.

She took a steadying sip of the coffee. It was one of those unexpectedly perfect moments. Kade had always made the best coffee. He delighted in good coffee and was always experimenting with different beans, which he ground himself. It had just the right amount of cream and no sugar.

He remembered. Silly to feel so wonderful that he remembered how she liked her coffee. The luxury of the bed, the sun spilling in the window, the coffee, him delivering it bare chested—yes, an unexpectedly perfect moment.

“I just talked to Jake,” he said, taking a sip of his own coffee, and eyeing her over the rim of it.

“Who?”

“Jake. The contractor who fixed the door at your shop. He’s over at your house.”

“He’s at my house at, what is it, seven o’clock on Sunday morning? How do you get a contractor, especially a good one, to do that?”

“I used my substantial charm.”

“And your substantial checkbook?” she asked sweetly.

He pretended to be offended. “He’s going to do the list of all the things that need fixing—the leak in the roof and the toilet handle and the floors, which really need refinishing now. And he’ll fix the new smoke damage on the ceiling, too. That’s the good news.”

“Uh-oh, there’s bad news.”

“Yeah. There always is, isn’t there? It’s going to take him the better part of a week to get everything done. And he says it will go a lot smoother if you aren’t there.”

She concentrated hard on her coffee. “Oh,” she finally squeaked out. A week of this? Coffee delivered by a gorgeous man whom she happened to know intimately? Who had joined her last night in bed in his underwear? She’d be a basket case. “Look, obviously I can’t stay here. I’ll call a friend. Or get a hotel.”

“Why is it obvious you can’t stay here?” he asked.

“Kade, we’re getting a divorce. We’re supposed to be fighting, not setting up as roommates.” Certainly she should not be feeling this way about the near nudity of a man she was about to divorce!

“‘From where the sun now stands, I will fight no more forever,’” he said softly.

“I hate it when you quote Chief Joseph.” No, she didn’t. She loved it. She loved it as much as she loved that he had made her coffee exactly as she liked it, without even having to ask.

She loved that he remembered she had once bought a piece of art—that they couldn’t afford—with a part of that quote as its name. She remembered that he hadn’t been mad. He’d turned the piece over in his hands—a shard of gourd, burned with an Appaloosa galloping across it toward the sun—and he’d smiled and said, “Worth starving for a few weeks.”

And, of course, they hadn’t starved.

But of course, that had been at the beginning, when her staying home and having a house of her own and a husband to look after had been so novel. Later, it seemed as if Kade was nothing but annoyed when she bought things for the house. She thought of reminding him of that.

But it seemed too petty. She slid him a look now. Was he quoting that because they were turning over a new leaf? Because they were not going to squabble anymore?

Everybody squabbled when they got divorced.

“You want to do something fun today?” he asked. “Since fixing the house has been removed from our list?”

No, she did not want to do something fun! She wanted to get a divorce. She wanted to sell the house they had shared. She wanted to cut ties with him. She wanted to adopt a baby and get on with her life, without him. Fun? Who had fun in the middle of a divorce?

“I thought I took the fun out of everything,” she said. She put the coffee down and folded her arms over the largeness of his shirt, which she suddenly wished was at least a little sexy. She recognized the treachery of her thoughts.

He looked bewildered. “You took the fun out of everything?”

“That’s what you said. The day you left.”

Kade looked genuinely shocked. “I didn’t say that.”

“Yes, you did.” The words, in fact, felt burned into her, as if they had become part of who she was.

“Are you sure?”

“Oh, yeah.”

He looked genuinely distressed, but she found she couldn’t let it go.

“So,” she said, trying for a bright, light note, “what do you do for fun? You’re probably an expert at it, now that the dead weight isn’t around your neck anymore.”

“Jessica, I don’t remember saying that. It must have been one of those mean, in-the-heat-of-the-moment things. I’m sorry.”

She shrugged, as if it didn’t matter one little bit, as if she had not mulled over those words every single day for a year.

“So if we
were
going to do something fun today—and I’m not saying that we are—what would you suggest?” Did it sound as if she was forgiving him?
Was
she forgiving him? “Remember, I have one arm out of commission. Skydiving is out. Ditto for rock climbing. And bull riding.”

“I said that? That you took the fun out of everything?”

“Yes! And then you packed your bag, and you left, and you never looked back.”

“I thought you’d call, Jessica.”

“Why would I call? You were the one who left.” She hesitated. She tried to strip any hurt from her voice. “I thought you’d call.”

“I didn’t know what to say.”

“Neither did I. I wasn’t going to beg you to come back.”

“Why would you beg me to come back?” he asked wearily. “And I guess that’s why I didn’t call, either. We had reached a complete impasse. We were utterly and exhaustingly miserable. We just seemed to go in endless circles. You wanted a baby. I’d had enough.”

She could see the very real pain in his face. For the first time? Had she really been so wrapped up in herself and what she wanted that she could not see what it was doing to him? She’d accused him of being insensitive to her, but she saw now it had been a two-way street. She felt an odd little shiver of awareness go up her spine.

“So,” Jessica said carefully, trying to navigate the minefield between them without getting blown up, “answer the question. What do you do with a one-armed woman for fun?”

His eyes fastened on her lips.

“Stop it,” she said.

“Stop what?” he asked innocently.

“Looking at me like that. I think
that
would be quite a challenge one armed.”

“What?” he asked innocently.

“You know.”

He smiled wickedly. “I think
that
could be quite a lot of fun.

“I think it would be darn near impossible.”

“I don’t. I like a challenge. I like figuring things out.”

Good grief, she could not stay here for days with this kind of delicious sensual tension in the air between them.

“I could start by offering to help you shower,” he said, his voice a low growl.

She threw the pillow at him. It was a clean miss, but he dodged anyway, managing to save his coffee. He laughed and made a face at her. “So are we agreed? We’ll do something fun today?”

“I suppose, if you promise to be good,” she said warningly, reaching for the other pillow.

“Do I have to? Okay, okay.” And then he backed away from her, closed the door and was gone.

She freshened up in the bathroom and put on the maternity dress. When she saw her reflection in the full-length mirror of his opulent guest bathroom, she felt she had succeeded just a little too well in her goals.

She had wanted to look as if she didn’t care! She was not sure she had wanted to look quite this bad! She looked like a waif abandoned outside an orphanage. Still, defiantly, refusing to give in to the temptation to win his approval in any way, least of all by trying to make herself attractive to him, she stepped out of the bathroom.

The truth was she hadn’t brought anything else anyway. She had thought her stay here was going to be brief. Given the shakiness of her resolve, looking pathetic seemed as if it could only be a good thing.

He was behind the kitchen counter putting croissants—obviously freshly delivered—on a plate.

“Wow. Excuse me while I pluck out my eyes. I’d forgotten the full ugliness of that dress. Or maybe I blocked it. Trauma.”

“It is not that bad.” He still had not put on a shirt. In the “life was unfair” department, this seemed to rate quite high: that he wanted to pluck out his eyes and she wanted to gaze at him endlessly.

“It is. That bad. Believe me. At least its awfulness helps me figure out the agenda for the day. We need to go shopping first.”

“I am not going shopping. I love this dress.” She didn’t actually. She thought it was quite hideous. “I’m sorry you’ll be embarrassed by me, but that’s the way it is.”

“I’m not embarrassed by you. But in the ‘find something to be grateful for’ department—”

She squinted at him suspiciously. He was not a “find something to be grateful for” kind of guy.

“I’m just glad you didn’t bring the camo one. If we end up in the woods today, I don’t want to misplace you.”

“What are the chances we’ll end up in the woods?”

“Anything can happen when you just let the day unfold.”

She should not feel nearly as thrilled by that as she did! But spontaneity had not been part of her world for a long time, and Jessica suddenly felt eager for it.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

O
NE
THING
THAT
Jessica remembered about Kade with complete fondness was that he always seemed open to what the world could bring him.

They had a simple breakfast at his apartment. He had had the still-steaming croissants and preserves delivered, and they sat out on the terrace and ate in the new warmth of the spring light. What was it about spring that brought hope to even the most wounded heart?

He seemed to forget she looked ugly. She seemed to forget he looked gorgeous. The old comfort rose up between them.

They talked as if nothing had ever gone wrong between them. It was like the old days, when spending time with him felt as if she was spending time with her best friend. The conversation flowed easily and naturally, words spilling out of them, as if they were anxious to catch up. They talked about mutual friends, his aunt Helen and her cousin Dave. They talked a bit about their businesses.

And then they left his place and walked downtown. Jessica became self-consciously aware of the ugliness of her dress again as she walked beside him. Kade was dressed casually in a sports shirt and summer khaki pants, and yet she could not help but notice how he got
that
look from women. Interested. Admiring. Hungry for a taste of that particular delight. They would glance at her, too, and then dismiss her.

When he came around to her good arm and his hand found hers, her own sense of hunger deepened. She was so aware of how much she had missed this, the small intimacies that made a relationship, the feel of his hand, strong, closing possessively around her own, sending that message to all who passed:
taken
.

She was determined to make a go of it on her own, but that simple thing, him taking her hand, filled her with a longing that felt physical in its intensity, like a shiver going up and down her spine that would not go away.

If she was smart, she would drop his hand and turn and run.

But smart seemed to have abandoned her. She wanted these moments. It felt as if she was stealing them to store away, as a part of her, for when she did not have him anymore. She actually felt thankful that
these
memories might overlay the old ones. Their history, leading up to the separation, was so filled with bitterness and anger and frustration that it had become as if the dark colors of a new painting had completely obliterated the light of the old painting that existed right underneath it.

They entered the downtown. It was a beautiful day so they avoided the Plus 15 Skywalk and instead strolled the pedestrian mall on Stephen Avenue. Downtown did not have its weekday bustle, the throngs of men and women in business attire, but there was still a colorful conglomeration of shoppers and activities on the streets.

A cowboy-hatted busker had set up close to Stephen Avenue Walk and was singing lustily. They stopped and watched for a few minutes. Kade dropped a five into his guitar case and they moved on.

They enjoyed the historic sandstone buildings of one of Canada’s few designated National Historic Sites. Calgarians had been conducting their commerce here on Eighth Avenue for over a hundred years. They passed the building where Kade worked, in the heart of Calgary’s financial district, and then walked along the column-fronted arcade of the very impressive Hudson’s Bay Company building. The building had always anchored Calgary’s downtown core.

“How about there?”

She looked at the store Kade had paused to point out. It was a tiny but very upscale boutique called Chrysalis, which Jessica knew of but had never set foot in. “I can’t go in there.”

“Why?”

Mostly because of how she was dressed right now! “I can’t afford anything in there.”

“I can.”

“No.”

“Come on. It will be fun. Remember that scene we liked in that movie?”

“Pretty Woman?”
she guessed.

He nodded happily. “Let’s reenact that.”

“I’m no Julia Roberts,” she said, but she could feel herself being drawn into his playfulness. Where had all the playfulness gone between them?

“You are way better than her,” he said, and he looked at her with such genuine male appreciation that she nearly melted.

They went into the shop. It was understated and tasteful. But the salesclerk was a very chic young woman with an outrageous purple streak in her blond hair. She rushed at them, probably, Jessica thought, to get rid of her, the same as in the movie.

“My first customers of the day,” she said gleefully. Then she eyed Jessica with the look of a seasoned fashion aficionado. Rather than judgment or snobbery, Jessica sensed friendliness and very genuine concern. “What is that you are wearing?”

In a tone that should be reserved for “I’m so sorry to hear about the death in your family.”

“I’m having a little trouble with my arm,” Jessica said defensively.

“Even so, you’re lovely! And just a little bit of a thing. You have to show off your assets!” She cast Kade a look that clearly said, “Especially if you are with a guy who looks like that,” and that she clearly considered him an asset worth keeping.

“Thank you. We’ll just have a quick look around,” Jessica said.

“No, no,
no
. I am going to guide you through your Chrysalis experience.”

“Oh, dear,” Jessica mumbled, and sent Kade a pleading look.
Get me out of here
. But Kade folded his arms over his chest and shrugged slightly.
Let’s just go with it
.

“I will have you fixed up in no time. In fact, I will love working with you. Caterpillar to butterfly, as our name suggests. I’m Holly, by the way.”

The girl’s enthusiasm was so genuine that Jessica could not even stir herself to annoyance at being called, basically, an insect pupa.

“Usually, I would ask about your lifestyle, but today I think you’re looking for some things that are easier to get in and out of, aren’t you?”

Kade frowned at Holly. “We were hoping for someone more like the salesclerk in
Pretty Woman
. You know? If you could just be snotty, and then I flash my gold card at you and you fall all over yourself trying to help us out.”

Holly laughed. “Well, I like the gold card part. And I always fall all over myself trying to help people out.” She looked at Jessica. “How would you feel if I just put you in a change room and found some things that I think would work for you?”

Jessica should be insulted. She was obviously being told she could not be trusted to pick out her own things, but given the dress she had on, could she blame the girl?

“I like to encourage everyone to let me pick some things for them,” Holly said. “You know, people get in shopping ruts.”

Out of the corner of her vision, Jessica saw Kade roll his eyes at the near religious fervor Holly apparently had for the shopping experience.

Undaunted, Holly went on. “They pick variations of the same thing for themselves over and over. Sometimes a fresh eye can be amazing. And then, you can model what I pick out for you for your extremely handsome boyfriend.”

“Husband,” Kade said. “Though I like the handsome part.”

“Oh, sorry. No rings,” Holly said. She squinted at him. “Though you look as though you’ve had one on recently.”

Jessica’s gaze flew to Kade’s ring finger. Sure enough, a white band of skin marked where his wedding ring had been. The band had been there recently, obviously, since such marks faded rather quickly. What did it mean that he had worn his ring so recently?

Stay in the moment
, she ordered herself sternly. She had one mission today. To have fun. To let go. To be free. And if she ended up, with Holly’s help, looking a little bit better than she looked right now, she’d go with that, too.

For once, Jessica felt no desire at all to hide behind their upcoming divorce.

She followed Holly obediently to the back of the store. There was a classy sitting area there for Kade, complete with a comfy deep upholstered chair and a huge flat-screen TV. Holly handed him the remote, and then shooed Jessica into an opulent change room.

Minutes later, she was back. “I don’t mean to be presumptuous, but I brought you this.” She held up a bra. “Front closing.”

And sexy as all get out. Jessica took the bra with her good hand and suddenly ached to put it on. To give herself permission to be feminine and beautiful.

She had not felt like a beautiful woman since her husband had left her. Despite career success, somehow she carried loneliness and defeat within her.

A thought, unwelcome, came out of nowhere.

Had she been planning on using a child to combat her pervasive feeling of inadequacy? She shook off the shadow that passed over her. Today was just about fun. She had given herself over to introspection quite enough in the past year.

“You are a lifesaver,” Jessica told Holly, and then surrendered to the process. She allowed herself to be spoiled completely. Holly did have an exceptional eye for fashion, and along with the bra, she had soon provided Jessica with a stack of clothing topped by a filmy jade silk top.

None of it was anything Jessica would have chosen for herself. She had become the master of understated. Almost all her clothes were in neutrals, grays and taupes, as if, she realized with a start, she was trying to make herself invisible.

Jessica fingered the silk and felt a pure and simple longing. To be pretty.

It occurred to her she had not cared about being pretty since long before Kade had left her. Since she had lost the second baby.

“This will be amazing with your eyes. And look—Velcro fasteners!”

“You found a top with a Velcro closure? Is this really silk? Where’s the price tag?”

“Your Prince Charming out there told me to take the price tags off.”

“Humph,” she said, but she didn’t feel nearly as annoyed as she should have. She didn’t have to buy it, she reminded herself. She just had to have fun with it.

Soon, the ensemble was completed with an easy-to-pull-on skirt with a flirty hemline and a delicate pair of sandals that Jessica could just slip her feet into.

“You look awesome,” Holly said. “Go show him.”

Jessica stared at herself in the mirror. “Um, I think I look a bit too young.” Plus, the blouse was extremely sheer, which explained Holly bringing a sexy bra with it.

“Nonsense.”

“This looks like something a teenager would wear. Don’t you think the skirt is a little, um, short? Not to mention the blouse is a little, er, see-through.”

“When you have legs like that? Show them off, girlfriend. Same with your other assets. Now go show him! He’ll let you know how right that look is for you.”

Feeling strangely shy about sharing this oddly intimate moment with Kade, the same as she had felt this morning sharing space with him, Jessica exited the change room. Kade had found a football game on TV and didn’t even look impatient. He looked content.

And then he noticed her. He flipped off the sound. His eyes darkened. She suddenly didn’t care how short the skirt was or if the blouse was see-through. She did a saucy little spin.

“Wow,” he said, his voice hoarse. “You look incredible. Two thumbs-up to that one.”

Jessica didn’t just feel beautiful for the first time in a long time. She felt sexy. It felt unbelievably good to feel sexy with no agenda, no calendar lurking in the back of her mind, no temperature to take. It felt, well, fun. And after that, she just gave herself over to the experience completely.

It was fun, having Holly help her in and out of outfits, and then modeling them for Kade, who was a great audience. He raised his eyebrows, and did low wolf whistles and louder ones. He made her feel as if she was not only sexy and beautiful, but as if she was the only woman in the world he felt that way about.

But even so, Jessica had to draw the line somewhere, and she drew it at an evening dress Holly hauled in.

“I have absolutely nowhere to wear such a thing,” she said. Still, she touched it wistfully. Like everything in Chrysalis, the cut and the fabric were mouthwatering. “I won’t be able to get it on over my arm.”

“Sure you will,” Holly said. “It’s back fastening, so I’ll just drop it over your head, like this, and poof. Ooh, butterfly.”

It took a bit more work for them to get her arm out the sleeve, but then she was standing there looking at herself, stunned.

Her hair was flyaway from all the in-and-out of trying on clothes, but somehow that added to the sense of electricity in the air. The dress, the color of licking flame, fit her like a glove, then flared out at the bottom in a mermaid hemline.

“Here.” Holly crouched at her feet. “Let me slip these on you.”

As if in a dream, Jessica lifted one foot and then the other. She stared at herself in the mirror. The heels had added three inches to her height. The cast and sling on her arm might as well have disappeared, the outfit was so attention grabbing, especially with a very deep, plunging neckline.

Holly stood back and looked at her with satisfaction. “
This
is exactly what I envisioned from the moment you walked through the door. Go show him.”

Should she? What was the point? It didn’t feel fun anymore. It felt strangely intense, almost like the moment she had walked toward him down that long aisle in her wedding dress.

She was going to protest, but when Holly held open the door for her, Jessica sucked in her breath and walked out. Holly slid away.

Kade didn’t look right away. “Don’t drop it!” he yelled at the TV. And then he turned and saw her. Without taking his eyes off her, he turned off the remote. The television screen went blank. He stood up. His mouth fell open and then he shut it, and rocked back on his heels, looking at her with eyes narrowed with passion.

This
was what she had missed when that moment she had glided down the aisle toward him had been replaced by the pressures of everyday living, by disappointments, by hurts, by misunderstandings.

“Jessie,” he whispered.

This
was what she had missed. She leaned toward him.