The Price of Butcher's Meat (19 page)

Like I said—takes real style to get away with that kind of schmaltz!

We stood smiling at each

other—his smile sort of sophisticated

ironic—mine more idiot grin—& I thought—hes the one—definite!

Then Ted the Bart came out of the door onto the terrace—& stood alongside Sid—& suddenly I wasnt quite so sure. Hard to compare—but I did my best! Teds all macho hunkiness to Sids elegant smoothiness—depends

whether your taste runs to chalk or cheese. On the beach I guess the bart would have edged it. 20 points to 19+ for sex appeal. Here it felt the other way round. & then there was the Maz. Definitely worth twice as much as the battered old Range Rover—or even the Beast.

Ted looked a lot less shell-shocked than I anticipated. In fact he looked rather pleased with himself. How had he survived?—I wondered.

Then the answer came to me—diversionary tactics! Before she could quiz him about this business meeting with Sid—hed told her that her toy-boy Feldenhammer was having a party at the Avalon that she wasnt invited to!

I thought—shit—should have kept your gob shut girl—

Ted said—sorry youve got to dash off Charley—well do that mobike ride another day eh?—

I thought—if you imagine Im going to risk getting frostbite in my crotch by putting it where the Ice Queens has been—youve got another think coming!

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The withering look accompanying this thought was wasted however—as hed turned to Sid—put his arm round his shoulder—& drew him away.

But as they walked back into the house—Sid turned his head—& winked at me—tho the way he did it—so languid & sexy & full of promise—calling it a wink is like calling his Maz a jalopy!

I drove away very slowly—to sort out my thoughts—& pretty soon I reckoned Id cracked it! There was something going on here—& it was going on behind Lady Ds back. Had to do with money—Teddy desperately needed it—& it was Sids profession. Teds one remaining asset—far as I could tell—was Denham Park. He could do anything he liked with it—except sell it—wasnt that what Mary had told me? So what might he & Sid have been talking about? Turning it into another hotel in competition with Brereton Manor? Possible—but you needed something else to hook in investors—some activity that had nothing to do with health & exercise & country recreation.

A gambling casino—I thought. Possible—except access wasnt great—& not even the sweet smell of money could mask the stench of the Hollis pigs.

What about a retirement home? Do old folk lose their sense of smell sis?

But I couldnt see Ted & Ess as your jolly carers!

Whatever they were up to—clearly Lady D—& Tom too—werent in the loop.

Could see Sid might not mind pulling a fast one on Lady D—but I couldnt see him going behind his brothers back—just to make a quick buck.

Whatever the game

was—Id given it away to Lady D—with malice aforethought—but I resolved not to say anything to Tom—both for his sake—& also cos I didnt want to get any further up the noses of the 2 dishiest guys in town!

Now I decided to compensate for my bad behavior by getting back to Kyoto in time to save Tom from the bicycle!

Neednt have bothered—Franny Roote had just turned up—& hed offered Tom a lift to the Avalon—so he told me to drive myself over for the lunch as planned. Tom was even more bubbly than usual—full of confidence his meeting was going to go well—& also chuffed cos hed rung Godly Gordon—& he was definitely going to attend!

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I made some comment about his powers of

persuasion—& I caught

Franny grinning at me—as if he knew—which he couldnt—that Id put in my little twopennorth. I gave him the test.

Wealth—4 at most Id guess.

Wheels—only 1 for his mini ambulance. Social Skills—this was hard—Im sure hed have no problem smoothing a girls path—dealing with all situations—

keeping the talk bright & stimulating—but I get the feeling that from time to time hed enjoy dropping a handful of grit into the works! So 8 out of 10

there.

As for Sex Appeal—impossible to give points without more info. It could be like giving Sid 10 out of 10 for Wheels—then finding the Maz had no engine!

Hard—you say? Well—I remember who it was knocked 5 points off the vicars son after you found he had diabetes! The thought he might be pulling out his needle before he pulled out his dong—your words!—was a real

downer!

Tom & Fran went off—leaving me with a good hour before I needed to make a move—so I thought Id bring you up to date.

Better dash now. Looking forward to seeing inside the famous clinic. Got a feeling at some point Big Bum may try to crash the party. If she does—I hope it doesnt come out who big mouth was!

Wont take Sherlock Holmes to guess that—I hear you say—not when your little sister has a mouth makes Julia Roberts look like shes whistling Dixie.

Youd better be careful—sis! When you come home with your bronze trophy doctor in tow—youre going to need all the friends you can find.

Love you

Charley xxxx

17

Well, Mildred, here I am, back from my first official outing, squatting
on the khazi, and defi nitely not feeling like singing I could have danced
all night!

First thought when I saw there were nowt but fizzy wine on offer
was, Mean bugger! Thought these Yanks always lashed out the hard liquor. My first guv’nor, old Wallie Tallentire, used to say, Bubbly’s good
for nowt but getting a girl’s knickers round her ankles.

Certainly got my trousers round mine!

Talking of trousers, remember to thank Cap. When I pulled mine on
for the first time since she brought them, I were surprised how well they
fit. Then I checked and realized they were brand new and three sizes
down from my old ones, which would have hung around me legs like a
mains’l in a dead calm. Bright lass! Dalziel, my man, you certainly
know how to pick ’em!

So while I’m sitting here like patience on a fucking monument, I
might as well make a note of Festerwhanger’s little “do” while it’s still
fresh. Always prided myself on not needing to be taking notes when I
were running a case. If I can’t remember it, it’s not bloody worth remembering! Big boast. Let’s put it to the test.

Yon clinic’s a fancy place. Makes our old Central Hospital look like
a heritage center. Bet most of your common bugs and viruses turn tail
and head back for town soon as they get a glimpse of what’s waiting for
them there. One look at the car park tells the story. There were enough
high-emission gear out there to punch its own small hole in the atmosphere. If the treatment fees match, then I reckon the patients will feel
like they’ve paid for full privacy.

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Pet led me to this lounge where there was a handful of people with
glasses in their hands. I only recognized two of them. One was the landlord from the pub. He were talking to Stompy Heywood’s lass that I’d sat
next to when I broke out of the Avalon. I went up to them and said,

“How do, lass? How’s thy dad?”

She looked puzzled for a moment, then said, “Oh, it’s Mr. Deal, isn’t
it? Didn’t recognize you with your clothes on. You’ll have met Alan Hollis from the Hope and Anchor.”

“Aye,” I said, laughing. I like a lass with a bit of spirit. “Nice to see
you again, Mr. Hollis.”

The landlord said, “You too, Mr. Dalziel. You’ve not been back in.”

“Doctor’s orders,” I said. “But he’s letting me off the hook today so I’ll
be down there shortly, you can bet on it.”

Pet came with a glass of fizz which I drank right off.

“Best get me another, luv,” I said. “In fact, why not bring a bottle over
here so’s to save you getting in a sweat running between me and the
bar?”

She gave me a glower but she went off again.

I said to Hollis, “Left your missus looking after the pub then?”

He said, “I’m not married, Mr. Dalziel. But I’ve got good staff. Just as
well with the hog roast on Sunday.”

I’ve noticed this before—folk out in the sticks always talk like everything happening locally’s so important, complete strangers should know
about it!

I said, “What’s that?”

“Don’t you know?” he said, surprised. “Lady Denham’s big do at
Sandytown Hall. Everyone will be there, everyone important, that is.

Sort of thank you from the consortium to everyone who’s helped in putting the town on the map. I’ll be organiz ing the drinks, so the pub will
have to look after itself.”

I thought, When buffalo woman snorts, every bugger jumps!

Pet came back with a bottle. I took it from her and filled all the
glasses. Mine fullest ’cos I were catching up.

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I said, “Lady Denham sounds real important. She’ll be in this meeting then?”

Pet and Hollis looked at each other, then Hollis said, “No, I don’t
think so.”

I said, sort of poking around, “Oh? Didn’t strike me as the kind of
lass you could keep away, her and Dr. Feldenhammer being such good
mates.”

Pet gave a kind of snort, and Hollis looked at the ground, and even
young Heywood grinned. But before I could probe harder, the door
opened and the folk from the meeting poured in. I saw Franny Roote in
his chair. He gave me a wave, I gave him a glower. Then I spotted
Parker, so I excused myself, and went to pay my debts.

He were talking to a bearded guy in baggy pants and one of them
fleecy jackets hikers wear. Either a tramp who’d strayed in off the road
or an eccentric millionaire patient, I decided.

“How do, Mr. Parker,” I said. “Here’s that twenty quid you were kind
enough to loan me. Many thanks.”

He recognized me straight off, or mebbe Festerwhanger had warned
him.

“Delighted I was able to help, Mr. Dalziel,” he said, beaming at me.

“And how nice to meet you again.”

He sounded like he meant it too and not just because of the money.

“May I introduce you to Gordon Godley?” he said. “Gordon, this is
Mr. Dalziel who’s convalescing here at Avalon. Mr. Godley’s a healer
whom I have persuaded to bring his ministry to Sandytown.”

Wrong twice. Neither a tramp nor a patient but one of the weirdos
Roote had been talking about!

I stuck my hand out. Godley didn’t seem mad keen on taking it, and
when he did it were barely a touch before he let go. Mebbe he were
scared I were convalescing from summat contagious.

“Healer, eh?” I said. “What’s that about then? Charming warts in a
moonlit churchyard or sticking lepers’ noses back on?”

I were just being friendly, but I wished I’d not said it when he looked
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at me with his big gray eyes like a spaniel told he’s not going walkies today. I were just going to pour a bit of oil when a voice behind me said,

“I’m sure Mr. Godley could help you with your warts if they’re bothering
you, Mr. Dalziel. Which part of your anatomy are they affecting?”

It were the Heywood lass, giving me the kind of look her dad used
to give before clattering your goolies in a line-out. Godley, who was
looking more confused and unhappy than ever, mumbled something
and moved off.

Heywood looked at me angrily and said, “Now see what you’ve done.

Tell me, were you always a bully or did you do a course on it at Hen-don?”

I had to laugh. These kids. Know everything, understand nowt. But
I liked her style.

Parker didn’t seem to have noticed she were in a tizz.

Still smiling he said, “I’m so glad Gordon decided to come to the
meeting, Charlotte. He’ll be such a valuable acquisition. All the other
therapies are based on physical interactions. He provides a purely spiritual dimension. Charlotte, why don’t you introduce Mr. Dalziel to some
of the others while I have a quiet word with Dr. Feldenhammer?”

“Meeting must have gone well,” I said as he moved off. “He seems
happy.”

“Tom is always happy,” she said. “He believes everything is for the
best in the best of possible worlds. Pretty well the opposite of your worldview, I’d guess, Mr. Dalziel. Now, who’d you like to be rude to next?”

I got myself another drink, or rather, another bottle as the fi rst
seemed to have emptied itself. Then Charley whipped me round some of
the others—a chunky Chink lass who stuck needles into people; an
herbalist you could have sprayed green and sold as a pixie in a garden
center; and a woman who looked like she’d been invited to a Halloween
party and got her dates mixed. Didn’t catch what she did, ’cos while we
were shaking hands, I was hoping her black nails weren’t painted with
owt toxic. I began to wonder how come old Fester had got mixed up
with this bunch of oddballs. If I’d found them setting up camp on my
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patch, I’d have escorted ’em politely to the Lancs border and pushed
them across. They’re more used to loonies over there.

When Charley finally introduced me to a woman she said was
Parker’s sister, I thought, Thank Christ I’m back with the sane buggers. Some hope! Took all of ten seconds to realize she were dotty as a
Frenchman’s jock strap. Woman with her seemed okay, but. Name of
Sandy something. Gave me an odd stare when Charley introduced
us—or mebbe that’s just how she always looks at big sexy men. I
wish!