The Princess Diaries (2 page)

Grandmère showed up at the loft today with Dad in tow. Dad wanted to find out how things went at the dance.

About the Author

Tuesday, September 23

Sometimes it seems like all I ever do is lie.

My mom thinks I’m repressing my feelings about this. I say to her, "No, Mom, I’m not. I think it’s really neat. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy."

Mom says, "I don’t think you’re being honest with me."

Then she hands me this book. She tells me she wants me to write down my feelings in this book, since, she says, I obviously don’t feel I can talk about them with her.

She wants me to write down my feelings? Okay, I’ll write down my feelings:

I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE’S DOING THIS TO ME!

Like everybody doesn’t
already
think I’m a freak. I’m practically the biggest freak in the entire school. I mean, let’s face it: I’m five foot nine, flat-chested, and a freshman. How much
more
of a freak could I be?

If people at school find out about this, I’m dead. That’s it. Dead.

Oh, God, if you really do exist, please don’t let them find out about this.

There are four million people in Manhattan, right? That makes about two million of them guys. So out of TWO MILLION guys, she has to go out with Mr. Gianini. She can’t go out with some guy I don’t know. She can’t go out with some guy she met at D’Agostinos or wherever. Oh, no.

She has to go out with my Algebra teacher.

Thanks, Mom. Thanks a whole lot.

Wednesday, September 24, Fifth Period

Lilly’s like, "Mr. Gianini’s cool."

Yeah, right. He’s cool if you’re Lilly Moscovitz. He’s cool if you’re good at Algebra, like Lilly Moscovitz. He’s not so cool if you’re flunking Algebra, like me.

He’s not so cool if he makes you stay after school EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY DAY from 2:30 to 3:30 to practice the FOIL method when you could be hanging out with all your friends. He’s not so cool if he calls your mother in for a parent/teacher conference to talk about how you’re flunking Algebra, then ASKS HER OUT.

And he’s not so cool if he’s sticking his tongue in your mom’s mouth.

Not that I’ve actually seen them do this. They haven’t even been on their first date yet. And I don’t think my mom would let a guy put his tongue in her mouth on the first date.

At least, I hope not.

I saw Josh Richter stick his tongue in Lana Weinberger’s mouth last week. I had this totally close-up view of it, since they were leaning up against Josh’s locker, which is right next to mine. It kind of grossed me out.

Though I can’t say I’d mind if Josh Richter kissed
me
like that. The other day Lilly and I were at Bigelows picking up some alpha hydroxy for Lilly’s mom, and I noticed Josh waiting at the checkout counter. He saw me and he actually sort of smiled and said, "Hey."

He was buying Drakkar Noir, a men’s cologne. I got a free sample of it from the salesgirl. Now I can smell Josh whenever I want to, in the privacy of my own home.

Lilly says Josh’s synapses were probably misfiring that day, due to heatstroke or something. She said he probably thought I looked familiar but couldn’t place my face without the cement block walls of Albert Einstein High behind me. Why else, she asked, would the most popular senior in high school say hey to me, Mia Thermopolis, a lowly freshman?

But I know it wasn’t heatstroke. The truth is, when he’s away from Lana and all his jock friends, Josh is a totally different person. The kind of person who doesn’t care if a girl is flat-chested or wears size-ten shoes. The kind of person who can see beyond all that into the depths of a girl’s soul. I know because when I looked into his eyes that day at Bigelows, I saw the deeply sensitive person inside him, struggling to get out.

Lilly says I have an overactive imagination and a pathological need to invent drama in my life. She says the fact that I’m so upset about my mom and Mr. G is a classic example.

"If you’re that upset about it, just
tell
your mom," Lilly says. "
Tell
her you don’t want her going out with him. I don’t understand you, Mia. You’re always going around, lying about how you feel. Why don’t you just assert yourself for a change? Your feelings have worth, you know."

Oh, right. Like I’m going to bum my mom out like that. She’s so totally happy about this date, it’s enough to make me want to throw up. She goes around
cooking
all the time. I’m not even kidding. She made pasta for the first time last night in like months. I had already opened the Suzie’s Chinese take-out menu, and she says, "Oh, no cold sesame noodles tonight, honey. I made pasta."

Pasta! My mom made
pasta!

She even observed my rights as a vegetarian and didn’t put any meatballs in the sauce.

I don’t understand any of this.

THINGS TO DO

1. Buy cat litter

2. Finish FOIL worksheet for Mr. G

3. Stop telling Lilly everything

4. Go to Pearl Paint: get soft lead pencils, spray mount, canvas stretchers (for Mom)

5. World Civ report on Iceland (5 pages, double space)

6. Stop thinking so much about Josh Richter

7. Drop off laundry

8. October rent (make sure Mom has deposited Dad’s check!!!)

9. Be more assertive

10. Measure chest

Thursday, September 25

In Algebra today all I could think about was how Mr. Gianini might put his tongue in my mom’s mouth tomorrow night during their date. I just sat there, staring at him. He asked me a really easy question—I swear, he saves all the easy ones for me, like he doesn’t want me to feel left out or something—and I totally didn’t even hear it. I was like, "What?"

Then Lana Weinberger made that sound she always makes and leaned over to me so that all her blond hair swished onto my desk. I got hit by this giant wave of perfume, and then Lana hissed in this really mean voice:

"FREAK."

Only she said it like it had more than one syllable. Like it was spelled FUR-REEK.

How come nice people like Princess Diana get killed in car wrecks but mean people like Lana never do? I don’t understand what Josh Richter sees in her. I mean, yeah, she’s pretty. But she’s so
mean.
Doesn’t he
notice?

Maybe Lana is nice to Josh, though.
I’d
sure be nice to Josh. He is the best-looking boy in Albert Einstein High School. A lot of the boys look totally geeky in our school’s uniform, which for boys is gray pants, white shirt, and black sweater, long-sleeved or vest. Not Josh, though. He looks like a model in his uniform. I am not kidding.

Anyway. Today I noticed that Mr. Gianini’s nostrils stick out A LOT. Why would you want to go out with a guy whose nostrils stick out so much? I asked Lilly this at lunch and she said, "I’ve never noticed his nostrils before. Are you gonna eat that dumpling?"

Lilly says I need to stop obsessing. She says I’m taking my anxiety over the fact that this is only our first month in high school and I already have an F in something, and transferring it to anxiety about Mr. Gianini and my mom. She says this is called displacement.

It sort of sucks when your best friend’s parents are psychoanalysts.

Today after school the Drs. Moscovitz were totally trying to analyze me. I mean, Lilly and I were just sitting there playing Boggle. And every five minutes it was like, "Girls, do you want some Snapple? Girls, there’s a very interesting squid documentary on the Discovery channel. And by the way, Mia, how do you feel about your mother starting to date your Algebra teacher?"

I said, "I feel fine about it."

Why
can’t I be more assertive?

But what if Lilly’s parents run into my mom at Jefferson Market or something? If I told them the truth, they’d
definitely
tell her. I don’t want my mom to know how weird I feel about this, not when she’s so happy about it.

The worst part was that Lilly’s older brother Michael overheard the whole thing. He immediately started laughing his head off, even though I don’t see anything funny about it.

He went, "
Your
mom is dating Frank Gianini? Ha! Ha! Ha!"

So great. Now Lilly’s brother Michael knows.

So then I had to start begging him not to tell anybody. He’s in fifth period Gifted and Talented class with me and Lilly, which is the biggest joke of a class, because Mrs. Hill, who’s in charge of the G & T program at Albert Einstein, doesn’t care what we do as long as we don’t make too much noise. She hates it when she has to come out of the teachers’ lounge, which is right across the hall from the G & T room, to yell at us.

Anyway, Michael is supposed to use fifth period to work on his on-line webzine,
Crackhead.
I’m supposed to use it for catching up on my Algebra homework.

But anyway, Mrs. Hill never checks to see what we’re doing in G & T, which is probably good, since mostly what we’re all doing is figuring out ways to lock the new Russian kid, who’s supposedly this musical genius, in the supply closet so we don’t have to listen to any more Stravinsky on his stupid violin.

But don’t think that just because Michael and I are united against Boris Pelkowski and his violin he’d keep quiet about my mom and Mr. G.

What Michael kept saying was, "What’ll you do for me, huh, Thermopolis? What’ll you do for me?"

But there’s nothing I can do for Michael Moscovitz. I can’t offer to do his homework, or anything. Michael is a senior (just like Josh Richter). Michael has gotten all straight A’s his entire life (just like Josh Richter). Michael will probably go to Yale or Harvard next year (just like Josh Richter).

What could
I
do for someone like that?

Not that Michael’s perfect, or anything. Unlike Josh Richter, Michael is not on the crew team. Michael isn’t even on the debate team. Michael does not believe in organized sports, or organized religion, or organized anything, for that matter. Instead, Michael spends almost all of his time in his room. I once asked Lilly what he does in there, and she said she and her parents employ a don’t ask, don’t tell policy with Michael.

I bet he’s in there making a bomb. Maybe he’ll blow up Albert Einstein High School as a senior prank.

Occasionally, Michael comes out of his room and makes sarcastic comments. Sometimes when he does this he is not wearing a shirt. Even though he does not believe in organized sports, I have noticed that Michael has a really nice chest. His stomach muscles are extremely well defined.

I have never mentioned this to Lilly.

Anyway, I guess Michael got tired of my offering to do stuff like walk his sheltie, Pavlov, and take his mom’s empty Tab cans back to Gristedes for the deposit money, which is his weekly chore. Because in the end Michael just said, in this disgusted voice, "Forget it, okay, Thermopolis?" and went back into his room.

I asked Lilly why he was so mad, and she said because he’d been sexually harassing me but I didn’t notice.

How embarrassing! Supposing Josh Richter starts sexually harassing me someday (I wish) and I don’t notice? God, I’m so stupid sometimes.

Anyway, Lilly said not to worry about Michael telling his friends at school about my mom and Mr. G, since Michael has no friends. Then Lilly wanted to know why I cared about Mr. Gianini’s nostrils sticking out so much, since I’m not the one who has to look at them, my mom is.

And I said, "Excuse me, I have to look at them from 9:55 to 10:55 and from 2:30 to 3:30 EVERY SINGLE DAY, except Saturdays and Sundays and national holidays and the summer. If I don’t flunk, that is, and have to go to summer school."

And if they get married, then I’ll have to look at them EVERY SINGLE DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, MAJOR HOLIDAYS INCLUDED.

Define set: collection of objects; element or member belongs to a set

A = {Gilligan, Skipper, Mary Ann}

rule specifies each element

A = {
x
|
x
is one of the castaways on Gilligan’s Island}

Friday, September 26

LILLY MOSCOVITZ’S LIST OF HOTTEST GUYS
(compiled during World Civ, with commentary by Mia Thermopolis)

1. Josh Richter
(agree—six feet of unadulterated hotness. Blond hair, often falling into his clear blue eyes, and that sweet, sleepy smile. Only drawback: he has the bad taste to date Lana Weinberger)

2. Boris Pelkowski
(strongly disagree. Just because he played his stupid violin at Carnegie Hall when he was twelve does not make him hot. Plus he tucks his school sweater into his pants, instead of wearing it out, like a normal person)

3. Pierce Brosnan, best James Bond ever
(disagree—I liked Timothy Dalton better)

4. Daniel Day Lewis in
Last of the Mohicans
(agree—stay alive, no matter what occurs)

5. Prince William of England
(duh)

Leonardo in
Titanic
(As if! That is so 1998)

6. Mr. Wheeton, the crew coach
(hot, but taken. Seen opening the door to the teachers’ lounge for Mademoiselle Klein)

7. That guy in that jeans ad on that giant billboard in Times Square
(totally agree. Who IS that guy? They should give him his own TV series)

8. Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman’s boyfriend
(whatever happened to him? He was hot!)