The Princess of Egypt Must Die (4 page)

We talk about Egypt, and I even confess my dream that one day I would become Pharaoh. Cassander doesn't laugh at me and that makes me like him even more.

When we reach one of my estates, Styx breaks into a gallop over the field. I let her run. Cassander gives chase on his own brown stallion. The hooves of our horses crash against the ground even as my heartbeat pounds inside my own breast. I feel giddy as we ride and delighted when we stop in an orchard. Cassander and I pluck apples from the trees, and we're both breathless and laughing.

"That's my favorite sound," Cassander says, biting a juicy chunk from the fruit.

I listen, but hear only the wind, the chirp of a bird. "What sound?"

"Your laughter," he replies.

I blush hotly. With Cassander I'm always blushing.

"He's very handsome isn't he?" Bunny asks one night when she finishes teaching me a Thracian dance.

"Hmm?"

"Cassander. He's a stable boy now, but one day soon he will join my father's cavalry. He'll make a fine warrior, don't you think? And if he fights well, the king may grant him lands and a wife."

A
wife
. The thought of some girl in Cassander's arms is so horrible that I close my eyes.

"It's better if he marries," Bunny chatters on, oblivious to my distress. "I think it will ease his pains."

"His pains?" I ask, instantly alert.

"Surely you've noticed that Cassander is sick with love. He sighs dreamily. He doesn't eat with the rest of the lads. And whenever anyone asks him if there's a girl he fancies, he stammers and stares at his feet."

My breath seems to catch in my throat. "I didn't know."

"He's not likely to show it before his father’s queen. But I hope the girl he loves is suitable. As the king's bastard, he must choose wisely. If he fell in love with the wrong girl..."

"What?" I ask, still breathless. "What would happen?"

She motions over her throat with one finger. "If the girl is unsuitable, she'll lose her head and Cassander will be strangled."

"Oh!" I clap my hand over my mouth. It's too terrible to contemplate.

Bunny continues. "If he's in love with a shepherd's daughter, that poses no threat. But if he fell in love with a noblewoman...people would think he intended to make a play for the throne."

These are the kinds of things my mother always tried to teach me. My mother wanted me to see rivals. To unravel court intrigue. I never wanted to think that way. I never wanted to listen to it before and I don't want to hear it now, either. But I can't close my ears to it. Not if it has to do with Cassander.

"Do you know the name of the girl he loves?" I ask, reassuring myself that she cannot know my feelings for him. Surely, I have kept them hidden.

"I think you should ask him," Bunny replies. "Then you could warn him if the girl is unsuitable. You might save his life!"

I don't have the courage to ask Cassander about the girl he loves. I don't go to the stables that day or the day after. I avoid the feasting hall too. When I see Cassander in the palace, I turn the other way and disappear. I wish my mother was here. I wish there was a woman of
any
experience I could turn to. Even Lysandra. If she were here now, I would humble myself before her and ask her advice.

It takes more than a week before I am brave enough to face him.

"Your Majesty!" Cassander says, smiling to see me. "Styx has missed you."

"I've only been away a few days," I say, my eyes turned away so he cannot see how I love him.

"It seemed much longer than that," he replies.

I clear my throat. "I'm told you're unwell."

"Just an aching heart," he says, his words filled with unspoken meaning. "Nothing fatal."

I wince and my courage abandons me. If he loves another girl, it will destroy me. If he loves
me
, it will destroy us both. I must know, but the knowing will ruin our happiness. Better we never ask anything, never admit anything. I could be happy with Cassander's friendship. But what if Bunny is right and he loves an unsuitable girl?

"Cassander, is there—is there anyone you would marry? If you could?"

His gaze drops to his feet. He is silent for some time. Then he says, "Yes...if I could."

"Who is she?"

He glances up, only once. "I think you know, Arsinoë."

Arsinoë
. He should never use my name like that, without a title. He does it because he loves me, I think. I never believed Prince Agathocles when
he
said he loved me. Cassander has not said it, and yet, I believe.

He loves me!

I had given up hope that I would ever be loved by anyone. To be loved by Cassander... The joy brings tears to my eyes. But the tears are for other reasons, too. He
cannot
love me. He should not love me. This is a dishonor. It's also dangerous. Cassander was wrong when he said his aching heart was nothing fatal.

"If the king knew, he would kill us both!" I cry.

This time, Cassander's gaze is steady. "We all must die someday."

It's a torment, but I must stay away. Every moment of every day, I think of Cassander. From the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep, he haunts my every thought. But I won't go to him, even though being without him makes me miserable. All I wish to do is sleep, because I see Cassander in my dreams. It is only when I awaken that I remember, with a horrified start, that it would be better for us both if I never saw him again.

I repeat the facts to myself, over and over, as if it will help me to accept them. I'm the Queen of Thrace. I'm married. Cassander is my stepson. Even if he weren't, he is a bastard. He is a stable boy. To love him is to bring dishonor upon the house of Lysimachus, and to shame my father and Egypt besides.

One evening, Bunny climbs into bed next to me, whispering, "I've a note from Cassander."

"How puzzling," I say, desperate to disguise my aching heart. "Why should a stable boy send a note to the queen?"

It's no good. I can't fool her. Bunny sees through me. She must sense the way I go hot all over. Then cold. Then hot again. "I'm your sister here in Thrace. I'll keep your secrets."

All my life I have longed for a sister. Lysandra and I never found a way to go back to the way it was between us when we were little, but Bunny is different. She has never been cruel to me. She tells me stories and teaches me dances and makes me laugh. My heart fills as I look into Bunny's big eyes and when she clasps my hand warmly in hers, I nod in surrender.

"Take the note, and I'll tell no one," Bunny says.

So I do.

Unfolding the little piece of papyrus, I see the words etched in a spidery lettering.

Why won't you see me? I've been thinking of Plato. I care nothing for reason. I care nothing for lofty honor. My soul is made up of appetite and if I do not feed it, I'll die. I love you. Meet me somewhere. Anywhere. — C

This note is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever written to me.

It's also treason.

I want to press this paper to my lips. I want to sniff it and catch the scent of him. Instead, I throw it on the fire. Bunny gasps, trying to catch it before it lands in the flames. But she's too slow and we both watch it burn.

"Will you meet him?" she finally asks.

"No." But I can't leave him with silence. I call for a pot of ink and a sheet of papyrus to write upon. Bunny swears she'll deliver my message as soon as it's written and I know she will keep her word, but I take my time, laboring over each word.

I am the Queen of Thrace. I am married. You are my stepson. Even if you weren't, you are a bastard. You are a stable hand. To love you would be to bring dishonor upon the house of Lysimachus and to shame my father besides. I will not do it. I will not meet you. The only favor I can bestow upon you is my silence. For your own sake, I implore you to burn this letter and never write to me again. — Queen Arsinoë

Writing those words, those horrible words, opens a gaping wound in me. It hurts. It pounds behind my eyes, giving me headaches that keep me in bed for days. It churns in my stomach so that I eat very little, and what I do eat, I can't keep down.

Cassander sends another note. Then another. I burn them all.

I'm so sick, so often, that the king believes I'm with child. In a fit of exuberance, he sends midwives to prod at my belly. They swear that I have good hips for birthing and that I'll one day have sons who will be kings. Like my mother, they think this is the greatest protection a woman can have.

Even Prince Agathocles brings me a congratulatory basket of pomegranates. "In case I'm not here to give you a gift when you
are
with child..."

"Why wouldn't you be?" I ask. "Where are you going?"

"To war," Prince Agathocles says stoutly. "I'm going to lead the cavalry into the mountains against the tribesmen."

"May you win a great victory and return home safely," I say.

I mean it, too. Since the day Prince Agathocles apologized for his behavior, he's treated me with respect as his father's wife. Since that day, he and his sister have been my friends. I would be sorry if he died at war. I am genuinely worried.

He notices and tries to reassure me. "I'll have Cassander with me. That boy knows the mountain passes as if he were a native tribesman himself."

My voice comes out as a distressed squeak. "
Cassander
is going with you to war?"

"He must grow up sometime," Prince Agathocles replies. "He knows how to use a spear. Now he must wield it for our father."

By the gods, Cassander could die in battle and I might never see him again! I've been so foolish to stay away from him. Now I regret every moment we've been apart.

When Prince Agathocles is gone, I nearly dash the basket of pomegranates to the floor in my haste. "Where are you going?" Bunny asks.

"To the stables."

"No!" she cries, grabbing at my arm. "Someone might see you."

"What does it matter? I've visited the stables a hundred times before."

"This time you aren't going to see your
horse
," Bunny argues. "You're going to see
Cassander
."

She knows my secret heart. She's carried messages for Cassander. She carried one from me, as well. But before now, I've behaved honorably. I've
done
nothing shameful. That is about to change. Even though I know it is wrong that Cassander loves me and I love him, I must see him. I am ashamed of myself, but it will not stop me. "I must see him, Bunny. Before he goes to war. I must!"

She pauses only for a moment, biting her lower lip in that exaggerated way she has. "Stable lads tend the horses at all hours and might overhear you talking there, but nobody goes to the garden after dark. It's better you meet him beneath the mulberry tree when everyone is asleep."

It is as if she's given me permission to do the thing I most want to do. "Yes," I say, a tingle of thrill in my blood. "Surely, you're right. Tell Cassander to meet me under the moon and the mulberry tree."

A servant undresses me for bed. The moment I hear her footsteps in the distance, I slip out of my room. In bare feet, I race down the back stairs. All I can think of is Cassander. To see him again. To hear his voice. To be warmed by his shy smile. I don't even feel the ground beneath my toes. It is as if I float through the moonlit garden to the mulberry tree, where I see him silhouetted in the darkness.

"Arsinoë?" he whispers.

The sound of his voice makes my heart leap with joy. "Yes! Cassander. It's me."

"You came," he says, reaching for my hands. I let him take them. His hands are warm, his fingertips rough on my own. "Have you come to say goodbye?"

"To wish you luck," I say hurriedly, not wishing to give him cause for worry.

"I intend to become a great warrior," he says.

"And then?"

His eyes glisten. "Who knows...the world turns in strange ways."

We're silent a moment, holding hands.

"I'm not afraid to die in battle," Cassander whispers. "I am only afraid to die without ever having heard you say it."

I blush. I
burn
. I know what he wants to hear. I can't deny it anymore. "I love you."

He smiles. It's a beautiful, dazzling smile. "Will you say it again? I think it has become my new favorite sound."

"I love you, Cassander. I
love
you."