The Privileges (11 page)

When they were out on the sidewalk she turned around toward the bar’s façade and made the sign of the cross. It was only about ten blocks home but under the circumstances he thought they’d be better off in a cab. He watched her as they rode, eyes closed, head against the window. He hadn’t seen her this drunk in years; or maybe he had, but the difference was that he’d been that drunk too. She held her liquor like a champion, so if she was this far gone—and without him—it could only be because she wanted it that way. They got off the elevator and she went straight to the bathroom; Adam waited by the front door while the sitter, Gina, a round girl from Barnard about whom he knew absolutely nothing other than that she was from Minnesota, found her jacket and her shoes and wedged her textbooks back into her backpack. He counted out her
money, including a twenty for cab fare. “Is it okay if I don’t walk you out tonight?” he said.

“No problem,” she said. “It’s not like it’s a rough neighborhood.”

He waited until the elevator door closed. Walking back through the foyer he saw that Gina had written on a pad underneath the phone, “Cynthia—Your mother called,” and then underneath that, “2x.” He went to the bathroom to make sure she was okay, but the door was open again and she wasn’t in there. She wasn’t in their bedroom either. He found her in the kids’ room, sitting on the floor against the wall between their beds. Her eyes were wide open.

“We need a bigger apartment,” she whispered. “They can’t keep sharing a room forever.”

He nodded and reached out his hands to help her to her feet. When she was on the bed in their room he took her shoes off and brought her a couple of Advil and a glass of water. The room was lit only from outside but she lay back on the pillow with her forearm over her eyes.

“You okay?” Adam asked her. She nodded. Then, because her unguardedness was contagious, as drunk people’s often is, he said, “Hey, Cyn, can I ask you something?”

Without moving her arm from her eyes she gestured grandly with her hand, like, Knock yourself out.

“When you go to that shrink,” he said, “what do you talk about?”

She grinned. “Not supposed to ask that,” she said.

He nodded, though she couldn’t see him, and kept lightly stroking her hip with his fingertips. The radiator hissed softly.

“Now,” she said, lifting her arm from her face. “Time to show me what you’ve got. Come on, stud. I knew you’d be good when I saw you in that bar.”

She started struggling with her jeans. He stood up beside the bed to help her, and by the time he had them off, she was asleep.

The next morning he took the kids to school and let her stay in bed; he put the note about her mother’s phone calls next to the coffeemaker where she’d see it. She scowled; okay, two more Advil and
something to eat before I start to deal with that, she thought, but no such luck, at about five minutes to eight the phone rang again. Ruth sounded tense and offended, though that was pretty much par for the course.

“I called three times last night,” she said.

“We were out late. Which is why a stranger answered the phone. We got home way past your bedtime.”

“Well, anyway, I’m calling because I have a favor to ask you, and as I thought you might have gathered, it’s urgent. It’s about your sister.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Your stepsister, Deborah.” Before Cynthia could even think of what to say, Ruth pressed on: “You know she’s living in New York—”

“No, I did not know that. I thought she lived in Boston. How would I know where she lives?”

Ruth made a sound of exasperation with which Cynthia was very familiar. “Well, I don’t know how you manage not to know these things. Yes, she’s been living right there in the same city as you for two years. She’s been getting her PhD in art history at NYU.”

“That’s super for her,” Cynthia said, holding the phone with her shoulder as she poured water into the coffeemaker. “So why—”

“She has been,” Ruth said, and here her voice slowed down a bit as if she’d hit an obstacle, “she has been having some difficulties. Apparently. I mean we just found out about it. Apparently it involves a man, or anyway that’s where it started. A professor of hers.”

“How original,” Cynthia said. She sat on the windowsill, feeling the metal safety guards against the small of her back.

“But it goes beyond that. She has—there have been—well, she ended up in the hospital, more or less against her will, there were some sort of pills involved, she says it was an accident but apparently some doctor there refuses to see it that way.”

“Some doctor where?”

“In Bellevue,” Ruth said.

“In
Bellevue?”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds. The way it was explained to me, it’s just a formality. Warren says it’s a liability issue for them. They need to release her to someone, a family member, and so I need you to go down there and get her. The admitting doctor’s name is—”

“Whoa,” Cynthia said. “Whoa. I am not a part of this. Bellevue? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“She’s your
sister!”
Ruth wailed.

“She is not my sister. Jesus. We are leaving for Costa Rica in less than a week. Why the hell don’t you and Warren come get her?”

“Warren is in San Francisco. He’ll come get her if he has to, but it would mean another night in that place for her. Who knows what goes on? Even the doctor said she obviously didn’t really belong in there. He seemed so nice.” The thought of institutional niceness in such circumstances undid Ruth, and she started crying. “Please, Cynthia. Please. It’s his only child. Maybe you don’t care about her but surely you won’t just let someone you know keep suffering if you can stop it. You’re not that kind of person.”

Her head was pounding. She really needed to eat something soon. An egg sandwich, maybe. “God damn it,” she said. “God damn it. All right. Where the fuck is Bellevue exactly, anyway?”

Ruth gave her the address. “Just a night or two with you,” she said, “and she’ll be better, maybe well enough to go back to her own place, though they told us she shouldn’t try—”

“No way is that happening. She’s your problem. And don’t hand me that family shit. This is not some sanitarium. I have children here.” In the cab down to 27th Street she called Delta and booked Deborah on a flight to Pittsburgh that night. Some two hours later, after she’d filled out every form and then waited in the lobby, which was lit like an autopsy room, for somebody to find somebody else who would sign off on the discharge, the steel door to the ward clicked open and her stepsister walked through. They hadn’t seen each other in eight years, but Cynthia, remembering the old hostility in Deborah’s eyes, was surprised to see it gone, and nothing else in its place. Probably just the drugs, Cynthia thought. They’ve got to have some designer shit up in here.

She was thin and pale, and looked very much like someone who
had just spent a lot of time throwing up. Like a much more intense version of the hangover Cynthia herself was still fighting down. Her hair was in knots. The great unlikeliness of this moment was actually kind of compelling, but Cynthia tried not to let it show. “So you’re on a 7:32 flight to Pittsburgh,” she said, but Deborah didn’t even break stride, she was in such a hurry to get out of there. Cynthia fell into step alongside her. “They probably won’t even let you on the plane looking like this, though. You can come back to our apartment and clean up and borrow something to wear. Do you have to go back to your place for any reason?”

Deborah licked her lips and said hoarsely, “No.”

“Good. I don’t think there’s time, anyway.”

She sat in the kitchen while Deborah took a shower that lasted a good thirty minutes. Cynthia was torn between irritation—the kids had to be picked up at school at three-fifteen—and nervousness about whatever might be going on in there. Finally Deborah exited in a huge cloud of steam, looking flushed and a little more like herself, though still woefully skinny. Cynthia’s jeans barely stayed on her hips; she had a smaller pair but there was no way she was giving those up. “I can’t believe you live like this,” Deborah said. “That is the nicest shower I’ve ever been in. You should see my place.”

Cynthia looked her over, not listening to what she said. She didn’t trust her. In her state she might do anything, and if it happened here, it would become Cynthia’s problem. “Come on,” she said. “We have to go pick up my kids.”

Dalton’s lower-school building was a double-wide townhouse just a few blocks away; the early-arriving mothers went into the lobby, where there was a fireplace, to keep warm, but Cynthia and Deborah waited outside at the bottom of the steps for April and Jonas to emerge. Deborah seemed to have some awareness of herself as out of place; she stayed a step behind Cynthia’s shoulder and cringed a bit as if trying not to be seen, not just by the kids (whom she wouldn’t have recognized anyway) but by anyone. More than half the women out on the sidewalk were nannies, substantial and mostly dark-skinned and sober-looking, talking to one another with
their eyes on the door and occasionally laughing without smiling. When April and Jonas appeared on the landing, wrapped tightly in their coats, and walked smiling down the steps toward their mother, Cynthia heard from behind her, softly but unmistakably, a gasp.

“Kids,” Cynthia said; and then, just because it was the shortest available explanation, “this is your aunt Deborah.”

Their mouths fell open, but they also remembered their manners and held out their hands for Deborah to shake. “I’ve seen pictures of you,” April said, and for a moment Cynthia was surprised. “At Mom and Dad’s wedding. You were one of the bridesmaids.”

“That would be correct,” Deborah said. Cynthia rolled her eyes. Some people had no talent for talking to children at all.

At home the kids watched TV and had a snack, as usual; and Deborah, after sitting silently under the kitchen clock with Cynthia for a few minutes, stood up from the table and went into the living room to join them. Cynthia phoned her mother with Deborah’s flight information. “Yes, Mom, she’s fine,” she said, watching warily through the kitchen doorway. “Perfectly normal. I mean, if a grown woman sitting on the floor eating Goldfish and watching the Disney Channel is normal. Just be there when her flight gets in so she doesn’t go AWOL or whatever.” When Adam walked through the door, Cynthia stood up, kissed him, and grabbed her keys. “They’ve eaten,” she said to him. “Let me just get my coat and we’re out of here.” He went into the TV room, and the kids jumped all over him. “Daddy,” they yelled, “have you met Aunt Deborah?”

Deborah stood up, brushing crumbs off her shirt. She and Adam nodded to each other awkwardly. Jonas, holding both his father’s hands, walked up his thighs and flipped himself over.

“How’s your brother doing?” Deborah said.

Adam’s eyebrows went up. “Good,” he said. “He’s in Los Angeles. I guess I’d forgotten you knew each other. You want me to tell him you said hi?”

“No,” she said, as Cynthia reappeared in the doorway behind him and beckoned with one finger.

They hit traffic getting on the FDR at that hour and again once they were over the Triborough. Cynthia started looking nervously
at her watch. No way in hell they were missing this flight. Suddenly she felt a kind of shudder go through the seat beneath her, and when she turned she saw that Deborah was crying, and shaking with the effort not to make any noise while doing it.

“Oh please,” Cynthia said—not to Deborah, exactly, but that was how she took it.

“Please what?” Deborah said angrily, wiping her eyes on her borrowed shirt. “I’m sorry that unhappiness doesn’t fit in with your lifestyle. I know you don’t give a shit about me but I’d think I’d merit the sympathy a total stranger would, at least. Of course maybe the total stranger would get nothing from you either. I’d forgotten how easy everything’s always been for you. I just didn’t expect I’d ever feel so jealous of it.”

“As I understand it,” Cynthia said, “you banged some married professor and what do you know, it turns out he’s a liar. Wow, I’m sure you’re the first person that’s ever happened to. So you forget about it and you move forward. The rest of it is just drama, which should really be your middle name, by the way. You may not respect me but at least I’d respect myself enough not to wind up in the batshit ward.”

“What do you know about it? What do you know about anything? You have never suffered a day in your life. You’ve never not gotten anything you wanted. And now those kids of yours are growing up the same way. Like a little ruling class. It’s terrifying.”

“What did you say to them?” Cynthia said.

“Everything given to them. No idea how fortunate they are. Sweet and content and well bred. Everything as it should be and they have no idea how the other ninety-nine percent lives.”

“Hey, you’re right,” Cynthia said. “I really should try to ennoble them with some early suffering. I really should go back home and take some things away from them. Boy, it’s a mystery to me how someone as smart as you has never had a kid of her own.”

And when she said that, Deborah stiffened as if she’d been hit; she stopped talking and turned to look out the window; and just like that Cynthia had a pretty good idea what had really happened. They rode the rest of the way to LaGuardia in silence.

“Keep the meter running,” Cynthia said to the driver. Deborah, her hand on the door, turned to face her. “I know you only did this because you had to,” she said, “but thank you anyway.”

“I didn’t have to do it,” Cynthia said. “Why would I have to do it?”

“Because we’re quote-unquote family,” Deborah said.

But that’s what’s so fucked up about it, Cynthia thought when she was back in the city-bound traffic on the L.I.E. Everyone thought they could keep playing this family card with her to get her to do what they wanted; the irony was that they had no idea how deeply she bought into the idea they were so cynical about. She believed in it more than any of them. But you didn’t get to screw around with definitions, your own or anyone else’s. Just because Ruth found some rich guy to get old with, it didn’t follow that Cynthia was no longer an only child. And she hadn’t heard from her father in the last three years, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still her father, or that anybody else was. That was how you kept the whole idea meaningful, and powerful. You kept it small.